


Say You'll Stay

by myemergence



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Corporate, Alternating POV- Buck & Eddie, Anal Sex, Bottom Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Bottom Evan "Buck" Buckley, Buck Has The Biggest Heart, Buck is the best boss, Eddie is a self sacrificing idiot, Eddie is the best dad, Eventual Smut, Found Family, It all starts with a fire, Josh and Buck are best friends, M/M, Meddling Best Friends, Parental Bobby Nash, Top Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Top Evan "Buck" Buckley, Unconventional first dates, Vulnerability, misunderstanding on top of misunderstanding, one night stand with feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:15:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 87,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26802031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myemergence/pseuds/myemergence
Summary: Evan Buckley runs the west coast branch of his family's company, The Limitless Project. All he's ever wanted is to prove that he can make his own way. He throws himself into his meaningful work each and every day and that's been enough for him for the past three years. That is, until he meets firefighter Eddie Diaz at an unfortunate fire that burns the offices of The Limitless Project to the ground.Then everything changes.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz & Isabel Diaz, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Josh Russo, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 177
Kudos: 373
Collections: 9 1 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, I'm not even sure how I've even reached the point of posting this.
> 
> This was a prompt-fill for Kate on the Buddie discord that kind of spiraled into something else all together, but I hope you enjoy it all the same.
> 
> Huge thanks to my beta, Nicole, without her this probably never would have seen the light of day. To all of my people who kept me from giving up on this project, you know who you are.
> 
> (I'm also terrible at tagging, but will add tags as I post chapters)
> 
> **
> 
> Posting is planned for every Saturday, but eventually I may add in a second posting day ;)

Buck pinches the bridge of his nose, already an hour into the most recent conference call of the day. They have been talking about the financials of the company and at this point, he’s seeing figures and percentages floating behind his eyelids. He knows the importance of the figures and understands that the company needs to be in good standing to keep the West Coast branch not only afloat, but thriving. He’s at his limit of calls today though, and feels the first sign of a headache beginning to press down at the base of his skull. It’s the last conference call that he’s scheduled for the day and for that he’s thankful. “Is there anything else?”

“How is new enrollment looking?” Maddie asks and Buck almost chuckles at her familiar voice. She’s specifically looking at the growth at the West Coast branch in the last month, knowing that the curve has taken off in recent months for enrollment as opposed to the flagship of their family’s business back in Pennsylvania, where Maddie still resides.

“Up another seven percent this month,” Buck pauses. He knows that’s not all of the information that she’s looking for, but he’s not going to openly set himself up to be chastised. 

“New enrollment is up, so profits should be looking great, right?” 

Buck nearly groans. He understands that the numbers matter but if you ask him, he’ll always tell you that people matter more. Buck knows that his family understands and that they are compassionate people. When it comes down to it this was his grandparents’ dream company, created to help kids in the community back in Pennsylvania when Buck and Maddie were just kids. Their company offers amazing services geared towards helping the youth, which in turn helps the families, which helps the community. 

Despite knowing this, Buck realizes that Maddie isn’t going to like his answer even before he begins to speak.

“No increase in revenue last month.” Buck clears his throat, steeling himself for Maddie’s response.

“ _Evan_.”

She’s first-named him on a conference call, so he’s aware that they're going to have a repeat performance of testing which Buckley sibling is more stubborn. The rest of the staff knows where the conversation is headed too, as they hurriedly excuse themselves and drop off of the call. This isn’t the first time that they’ve had this particular type of conversation when talking about the financials. Maddie’s attention has been specifically on the growth of the newer branch as they want to mirror that growth and reach on the East Coast. “Maddie, I know what you’re going to say.”

“Oh you do?” She scoffs. “That doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that we talked about this at the end of last month, too?”

“Mads, we aren’t losing money.” Buck grabs the fidget spinner off of his desk and spins it anxiously between his fingers, eyes focused on the motion. 

“No,” Maddie says, “but we should be seeing an increase in revenue so that we can market better, and—”

“—I’d rather help the people that need it the most instead of worrying about marketing to or targeting a bigger audience. There are people that have been referred for services that can’t afford them. If they don’t set foot in the door because of finances then we can do _nothing_ to help them. We’ve had a few really solid months, so…”

Maddie sighs on the other end of the line and Buck can feel her resolve wavering. “I just don’t want you getting carried away, Ev. I know that the West Coast branch is your baby, but these aren’t decisions you can make completely on your own because they affect the entire business.” Maddie’s voice softens considerably when she adds, “you have a heart of gold, but this is still a business and it needs to be operated like one, not like a free-for-all. We don’t want to throw away what they’ve worked so hard for.”

Buck runs a hand roughly over his face. “I know, Mads. I would never throw away what Gram and Gramps have worked so hard for for so long. You should know that. We can talk about this more later, alright? I have an appointment with Mr. Olson in twenty minutes and I haven’t even had lunch yet. I’ll send you an invite for a call later.”

“Yeah, okay,” Maddie acquiesces.

“I love you, Mads.”

“Love you too, God help me,” Maddie laughs quietly. Buck ends the Skype call and sets his headset down with a clatter before he pushes away from his desk. 

Shit, he’s going to be late if he doesn't hurry. 

Buck quickly shuts down his computer before he grabs his things and locks the door to his office. “Hey, Josh,” He smiles at one of his most dependable employees who also happens to be his best friend since his move to L.A. a few years ago. “I’ve got an appointment with Jayden at three but I should be back here by four-thirty. Call me with anything urgent otherwise, you know the drill.”

Josh says goodbye to him and Buck hurries towards the elevators. He waits impatiently for the doors to take him to the ground level. Buck has thirteen minutes to make it a few blocks or else he is going to be late, and damn it if he is going to have the Riot Act read to him again. Buck takes off in a brisk walk as soon as he gets off the elevators, offering a quick wave and flashing a smile at the familiar faces that he passes in the lobby as he exits the office building.

He glances down at his watch as a light sheen of sweat begins to bead on his brow, before he enters through the familiar doors of The Limitless Project. Buck waves at the receptionist, Blair, wordlessly as he continues with long strides, opening the familiar door to the gym before stepping inside.

“You’re late.”

“I know,” Buck sighs. Jayden is such a hardass. “I just need two minutes alright?”

Jayden looks at Buck unamused, the basketball resting against the eleven-year old’s hip, radiating attitude from every inch of him. “Yeah. I’ll wait.”

Buck grins at the kid before he turns around and jogs to the locker room. A couple of minutes later, he emerges and makes his way back to the basketball courts where Jayden is waiting. The courts are empty except for Jayden, just like every Thursday afternoon, exactly as Buck had planned for.

Consistency.

Buck knows how important that is, especially for a kid Jayden’s age. Unfortunately, he also knows that Jayden doesn’t have any sort of consistency at home right now. From his knowledge of Jayden’s past he’s probably _never_ had any sort of consistency. So Buck does what he can and tries to give that to him at least once per week. 

“So how’s everything?” He asks as Jayden dribbles the ball a few times, passing the ball to Buck.

Jayden’s shrug is nearly undetectable. “Fine.” There’s a hard set to the eleven-year-old boy’s jaw as he answers, eyes not faltering from Buck with his stoic stare. Buck dribbles the ball a few times before moving to bypass him, the boy grinning instantly as he steals the ball from Buck in a swift motion. “You know if you’d practice once in a while I might not kick your ass.”

Buck feels his jaw tick slightly as Jayden curses. He’s _eleven_. “Then what would you have to harass me about?” He watches as Jayden connects an easy layup. “How’s the foster home with… Judy and Kevin, right?”

“Fine.” Jayden’s response is flat and so is his next shot, confirmation to Buck that it’s not all as fine as his one-word answer indicates. His responses give as little away as he possibly can and Buck wishes that for once Jayden would let his walls down; that he would let Buck in. He knows it’s not that simple and that it’ll take more than working with Jayden for a few months to get him to open up. 

So Buck uses basketball as his one way to bond with the kid. He’s able to steal the ball and he dribbles before making his first shot.

“Jay…” he tries.

“I thought we agreed we would just come here and play and you weren’t going to try to _shrink_ me.”

Buck huffs out a breath, looking at the boy with concern. Jayden has been coming to the center for months now, since before he even entered the foster care system. His mom had faced a sentence due to a drug charge and his father was never in the picture to begin with. The boy had been struggling in school and his behavior was all over the place. His last foster parents couldn’t handle the phone calls from the school anymore and they’d decided he wasn’t a good fit for their family, no matter how temporary it was supposed to be.

Buck could only imagine the hurt that must gnaw at Jayden’s gut, knowing that people gave up on him so easily over and over again. The knowledge that nobody believes in him, and that hurt takes on the face of anger and a nearly unshakeable exterior. 

“We did,” Buck answers with a nod. Buck made the agreement with Jayden so that he would at least agree to this one hour each week. He was the only kid that the staff felt like they were making no progress with and if Buck’s being honest, he felt like he could relate to Jayden in a lot of ways. “I just thought maybe you’d want to talk about things, since you haven’t had anything to say since—”

“Nah, I’m good.” Jayden smiles tightly as he makes the next shot. “Now maybe you should focus on the game?”

“Are you trying to insinuate something?” Buck jokes as the ball swooshes through the net, before retrieving it.

“I’m telling you that you already can’t keep up with me. Maybe kill the small talk so you at least have a chance, yeah?” 

Buck shakes his head in amusement. “You really think I can’t beat you?”

“You haven’t yet,” Jayden counters after a pause. “We’re on month three, grandpa. The odds aren’t in your favor.”

“ _Ouch_ ,” Buck whispers in mock hurt, holding a hand to his chest as a surprised chuckle slips past his lips. 

The kid isn’t lying. He has effectively kicked Buck’s ass every single week since they started three months ago. Buck’s not terrible at basketball but he probably should be better at it considering his height alone. Buck thinks back to his own childhood, to the endless hours spent at The Limitless Project and his avoidance of the basketball courts. If he’s being honest, if not for Jayden, he probably never would have never geared up to play himself. 

Jayden is gifted and Buck wishes that he knew that. Buck has tried talking to him about it before, but he’s been shut down every time. He’ll keep trying, but for now he’ll have to live with this eleven-year-old oozing attitude and talent that has no idea of his own worth.

* * *

The remainder of Buck’s afternoon is mostly quiet and because of a conflict in Maddie’s schedule, their call gets delayed until the next day. He’s able to leave the office before six, which is quite the feat. At least this gives him a little bit of time to think about what he’s going to say to her when they speak again. 

He doesn’t want to fail, _he can’t_ . He’s spent three years building the West Coast branch of The Limitless Project into something important, putting all of his effort and heart into making it matter. Buck sees the people that he’s helping —the kids and the families— the people that are struggling financially and can’t afford their services. He doesn’t think he can just stop the extra help when there are people who need them… that need _him_.

Buck can’t recall the days when his grandparents first started the company clearly. He was only only four when they started the process and when their big idea turned into something more. The reason they started it had always been clear and as pure as both of their hearts, to help kids in the community— kids like Buck and Maddie.

Buck thinks of Jayden as he grabs a beer from the fridge, twisting the top off and taking a long pull from it. Jayden would never have set foot inside if his foster parents had to pay out of pocket for the services. And then what? 

Buck hears a knock on his door and glances at the clock. He grabs a second beer from the fridge before he walks to the front door of his loft. “Hey, man.” He greets Josh, offering him the beer as he steps inside.

“We’re drinking already?” Josh laughs as he accepts the beer and takes a sip before toeing off his shoes. “Gonna be a long night, I guess.”

Buck shrugs. “Maybe.”

“One word answers are never a sign of good things with you, Buck,” Josh tells him as they step further inside. Buck already has the cards set out on the table along with some of their favorite card night snacks. 

“Yeah, I know,” Buck sighs. “It’s just—”

“Jayden?” Josh asks knowingly, pinning Buck with a serious look. 

Buck nods as he deposits himself into a chair and slouches down, taking a few more swigs of his beer before he sets it on the table. Josh is the only one who really knows what his appointment with Jayden Olson is. Everyone else thinks that they’re important business meetings, and they are important— to Buck. On a typical day it’s near impossible to get away unless his calendar is blocked with meetings. “Yeah, I just wish that I could get through to him. I wish I could help him more.”

“I know that it’s hard to feel like you’re not in control and I know you want to do everything for everyone because that’s just who you are. Shit, that’s how _I_ ended up where I am; because you knew that I was struggling and you offered me a job.” Buck nods as he lets Josh continue. “You’re doing more for Jayden than anyone else in his life is or _has_ , for that matter. You’re there for him, you try to take him away from all of the crap that’s been thrown at him, and that’s more than enough.”

Buck shuffles the cards absentmindedly. “I guess so, man. I just… I know what it’s like to be Jayden, to be that unwanted kid. Difference is I had people in my life that still wanted me and that were still there for me. Jayden doesn’t have that.” He deals out the cards, tapping his fingers anxiously against the table.

“So, been on any dates lately?” Josh asks, attempting to change the subject for Buck’s benefit, eyebrows raised suggestively at his best friend.

“Hah,” Buck lets out a loud laugh. “That’s funny, but no. You?”

“Still tragically single,” Josh admits then adds, “but you know, it’s not like you don’t have prospects. You’re _quite_ the catch.”

Buck smirks, “Is that why you dumped me?”

“ _No…_ ” Josh draws out slowly. 

Buck studies the cards in his hand with a mock-serious look on his face. He glances up as Josh takes a couple of long swigs of beer and prepares himself for the rest of the conversation. When he first met Josh a couple of years ago, he was a mess. Josh had just gotten out of an abusive relationship and he was struggling just to make it through the day. He’d lost his job with no hope of actually being independent.

Buck had just recently moved to L.A. and was getting the West Coast branch running when he’d met Josh at a bar. One thing led to another and they’d slept together that night.

“I don’t think I remember why you dumped me?”

“Buck, you’re my boss.” Josh deadpans. Buck lets out a hearty laugh at that. He obviously hasn’t forgotten why Josh broke things off with him only about four weeks into their relationship. They’re way better as friends anyway. Aside from Maddie and his grandparents there is nobody else that Buck trusts like he does Josh. If he had to choose booty-call Josh or best-friend Josh, he would choose his best friend every single time. 

“Ah, yes. That’s right.” Buck lays his cards down on the table. “I don’t have time to date, plus the dating scene in L.A. is a mess.”

“Cheers to that.” Josh chuckles as the necks of their beer bottles clink together. The last thing that Buck needs is one more thing to keep afloat.


	2. Chapter 2

Eddie stands outside of Christopher’s bedroom and gently knocks on his door. “Hey, mijo, time to get up,” He calls softly as he pushes the door open a bit further, noticing the complete lack of movement in his son’s bed. Eddie shakes his head and chuckles. 

Gone are the days when Christopher would bound into his bed before six in the morning and wake Eddie up. Although he does appreciate the extra sleep, there’s definitely a part of him that wishes waking him for school hadn’t become such a process. 

“Christopher,” he says as he steps further into the bedroom, smiling as he steps closer to the bed. Eddie looks down at Christopher and settles on the relaxed features of his son’s face, his boy still fast asleep.

Eddie wishes that his days off didn’t tend to fall, more often than not, on the weekdays when Christopher had to go to school. He truly feels like he needs a few days off with Chris with no work or school to worry about. Just him and his boy having a Dad and Chris Day, spending their day lounging in their pajamas on the couch playing video games, watching Netflix, and breaking all of the rules that Eddie normally enforces. 

He bends down slightly until his fingers are gently moving against his son’s back. “You have to get up, Christopher,” he gently shakes his shoulder until the boy finally starts to stir.

“Dad?” Christopher mumbles sleepily as he moves to sit up and rubs his eyes.

“Time to get ready for school,” Eddie tells him, placing a kiss on his forehead. “If we can get you ready in the next twenty-five minutes, I think we’ll have time for waffles.”

Christopher pauses as though considering what Eddie is offering, his face twisting in thought and sitting up a little. “With strawberries?”

Eddie nods knowing that the way to his son’s heart is through his stomach, like a true Diaz. Too bad that Eddie’s cooking can’t really support that appetite. “With strawberries.”

“And whipped cream on top?”

Eddie rolls his eyes and laughs. “Christopher, this is not a negotiation. Up.” 

Christopher grumbles something under his breath as Eddie steps out of the room and assumes that it’s probably in his best interest that he doesn’t hear what is said. 

He works on tidying up the living room before walking back down the hallway towards Christopher’s room. 

“Dad?” Chris calls. Eddie smiles at his son when he realizes that he’s chosen an LAFD shirt that Eddie bought for him a few months back through the department. “Can we do pushups first? So I can get strong and ready to be a firefighter.”

“Of course.” Eddie smiles ruefully, but the smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Christopher gets down on the floor beside Eddie and he does his best to show him the right form. Someday he won’t want to be like his dad anymore.

Eddie always thought that he’d want Christopher to be as much like him as possible, to follow in his footsteps, but every time Chris says that he wants to be a firefighter, Eddie wants him to choose anything else. It’s a risky job, one that carries the possibility of getting hurt—or much worse. Everyday he has to deal with the possibility of not coming home to Christopher in one piece, or at all.

As though that wasn't enough he struggles with the truth that Christopher can’t just _be_ anything that he wants to be. Christopher has restrictions and he knows that someday he’ll need to truly face that and make Christopher deal with that truth too. 

Today’s not that day though. He’s still young and should be able to imagine whatever future he wants. They’ll face the unfair realities of his condition on another day.

So they spend the morning Christopher mirroring Eddie’s actions: with push-ups, morning clean up around the house, and they’re even able to squeeze in Christopher’s stretches for physical therapy, although he’s not all that excited about doing his exercises. Christopher puts the waffles in the toaster once they’re finished since Eddie’s cooking is basically a hazard, while Eddie carefully slices the strawberries. Christopher grins as he squirts a generous serving of whipped topping from the can onto his waffles.

Eddie joins Chris at the table and sets a glass of orange juice in front of Christopher’s place setting while he sets a cup of coffee in front of his own.“I would be a terrible negotiator,” Eddie mutters in defeat as they sit down to eat.

* * *

Before long, it’s time for Eddie to drop Christopher off at school. He gives Chris a hug and a kiss at the end of the sidewalk in front of the school, away from the bus loop. “You have a good day today, okay, Chris?”

Christopher groans, wiping the kiss away from his cheek with his sleeve. “Just a fist bump next time, okay Dad?” He looks around as he braces himself on his crutches, as though afraid someone may have seen Eddie kiss him. Like he doesn’t want Eddie to kiss him goodbye. “It’s embarrassing,” he adds. A shot straight to Eddie’s heart.

Eddie sighs as he processes Christopher’s words before standing up from his crouched position in front of Christopher and nods. “I can live with a fist bump,” Eddie concedes. 

He watches Christopher make his way down the sidewalk to the front door of his school and runs a hand over his face. Christopher is getting so big now. There was a time when he couldn’t get enough of Eddie. He wanted all the hugs and attention that Eddie would lavish him with. Wherever he went Christopher was sure to follow right behind him, mimicking everything that Eddie did. It’s moments like these that force Eddie to realize that his son really _is_ getting older and would continue to want Eddie less and less. 

Though it wasn’t the norm for Chris to be embarrassed or annoyed with him, the moments were still there and if Eddie’s being honest with himself, it stings a little to realize that he’s not needed as much.

Eddie feels a hollow pang deep in his gut, thinking of all of the time that he lost with Christopher by _choice._ He watches Chris maneuver inside the building with his crutches and Eddie thinks of all of the procedures that he missed, all of the firsts that he wasn’t there for. All of those defining moments that a dad should be there for and he just chose to remove himself from the equation entirely.

He recalls re-enlisting when Christopher was barely more than a baby, after Shannon had made it clear that she needed his help at home. All because he was fucking scared. He was terrified of what a cerebral palsy diagnosis would mean and afraid that he would do everything wrong. Eddie had been daunted by the thought of failing at all of it.

Eddie didn’t think that he would be enough. He didn’t believe that with all of his shortcomings that he could ever be the dad Christopher needed or deserved. He thinks of all the ways that he failed his son and how he put all of the stress and parenting of Christopher’s early years onto Shannon’s shoulders. 

Eddie could have done so much better, been a much better dad for Chris if he’d just been there. To say that he has regrets about the early years in his son’s life would be a gross understatement.

Eddie’s always been called brave for devoting those years of his life to the army despite the family that he had at home, choosing to honor and defend his country. He had a Silver Star to prove his bravery to the rest of the world. That’s not how Eddie remembers it though. He earned his medal for saving lives which was his job as an army medic. For Eddie, it’s a reminder of his cowardice far away from enemy lines, back at home with his family. A reminder that he ran away from the one thing that scared him most of all— being Christopher’s dad.

Eddie swallows past the tightness beginning to build in his throat. He climbs into the truck and slams the door shut in frustration. 

Eddie drops his head into his hands for a moment, mentally shaming himself for going there. He’s been seeing a therapist to try and work through his shortcomings, trying to be better than his dad ever was to him, learning to talk about his feelings and let go of the past. In theory it seems so simple, but it’s proven to be much harder than he ever expected it to be.

One day at a time. He needs to prove to himself one day at a time that he can be better for Chris.

Eddie starts the ignition and heads towards home planning an evening that he hopes Christopher will love. He goes home and sets up an elaborate fort in the living room so that it’s one of the first things that Christopher sees when he comes home. He plans to order pizza for dinner and then they’ll camp out and sleep in the fort tonight. He may have had to work over the past weekend but they’re going to make the best of the time that they do have together. 

* * *

The following day Eddie arrives at the firehouse early for his shift. He’s had a good few days off despite the stiffness that he feels in his shoulders and throughout his back from sleeping on the floor of their make-shift fort the night prior. The days off were much needed, especially after three twenty-four hour shifts in six days. He hopes that they’re making some progress with their recruitment efforts because Eddie is wiped out more often than not, even though he does appreciate the extra money and overtime pay.

Trying to do it all is challenging at best and overwhelming at worst. Trying to be a single dad, working full-time as a firefighter, trying to be a good grandson to his abuela, keep up with all of Christopher’s appointments, trying to maintain a household, and be a good friend— all while trying to retain some semblance of sanity. 

Eddie quickly changes into his uniform before he jogs up the steps to the loft, inhaling the inviting aroma of coffee brewing. “Morning Cap.” Eddie moves towards the coffee pot to pour himself a cup of coffee; a man on a mission.

“Morning Eddie,” Bobby smiles, looking up from where he’s standing at the counter preparing breakfast for the team. “Looks like you beat everyone else in. Want to give me a hand?”

Eddie groans, there are few things that he dislikes more than cooking. Apparently every kitchen that he has stepped foot into in his entire adult life knows that because he is truly awful and some ridiculous kitchen-catastrophe is always left in his wake. He’s never left a kitchen after attempting a home-cooked meal without burning _something_ or setting off a smoke alarm. Which is exactly why he avoids cooking at the station whenever possible. The last thing that he needs is a reputation as the firefighter who set the station on fire.

He glances down from the loft, silently wishing he had the ability to summon Hen or Chimney to rescue him. Eddie definitely didn’t time his morning right. He walks over to Bobby, abandoning his cup of coffee on the kitchen island. “As long as it doesn’t _actually_ involve cooking,” he says reluctantly.

Bobby laughs. “I think if the last year of you being part of this house has taught me anything, it’s that you aren’t going to help me cook unless I force you.” Bobby slides a cutting board in front of Eddie, followed by a knife and a container of strawberries. “I’m not actually sure how that kid of yours is still alive.”

“Ha ha,” Eddie says dryly, punctuating each syllable as he rolls his eyes. He rinses the fruit and then begins to remove the stems and cuts the strawberries carefully. “He’s going to be a better cook than me in about a year or so.” Eddie says absently as he tries to keep a steady flow of conversation while he thinks about the way that Christopher reacted in front of his school the day before.

“You alright, Eddie?” Bobby asks.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be fine,” Eddie says dismissively. He pauses as he recalls the scene with Christioner before he turns his attention to Bobby. “Tell me this… at what age do kids start getting embarrassed of their parents?”

Bobby laughs. “Almost certainly by their fourth birthday.”

Eddie stops and sets the knife down as Hen and Chim make their way up the steps to the loft, laughing quietly amongst themselves as they move. “Oh good morning you two, nice of you to join us when all of the work is done.”

Chim raises an eyebrow. “Did you cook? If you did, I’m gonna have to say that I already ate breakfast.”

Hen glances between Bobby and Eddie, as if gaging the probability of Eddie cooking breakfast. “Cap wouldn’t subject us to that.”

“I hate you all,” Eddie says with a glare, pouring the strawberries into a bowl and walking it over to the table.

“That’s enough, _children_ ,” Bobby says with a shake of his head. “Let’s eat before a call comes in, shall we?” 

Eddie finally retrieves the cup of coffee that he left on the counter to help Bobby, taking a small sip of the luke-warm drink. Bobby brings the rest of the food to the table and the rest of the team joins, fixing their own plates.

The alarm bell sounds before they’re able to dig in and they all quickly hustle up from their seats. “Guess we know what kind of day this is going to be,” Chim mutters as he stuffs a strawberry into his mouth, following after the rest of the team.

* * *

Chimney isn’t wrong. Their shift starts off hectic right out of the gate and is littered with call after ridiculous call. First it was a kid with a lego jammed up his nose, which Hen had the pleasure of removing. Then, it was a woman calling because her cat was stuck in a tree. Which the team soon discovered wasn’t actually in the tree and was curled up, asleep underneath the dining room table. Next, there was the thirteen year-old that started a small fire from a match box. They found themselves wondering how many more nuisance calls they were going to get although they were grateful that none of them had been all too serious. 

It isn’t until four hours into their shift that they’re finally able to get back to the firehouse and grab some food, and the lack of nourishment shows. The entire team is starving and on edge, getting snippy with each other as the day drags on, so they manage to fix something quick in between calls before they end up completely snapping at one another. 

The calm is short-lived and only minutes after they’ve cleaned up the loft area after their meal, they’re heading out on another call.

Eddie leans his head back against his seat, trying to center himself with the little bit of quiet they have on the way to the call. Bobby tells them it’s an office building in downtown L.A. that they’ve been dispatched to and it’s sixteen stories. They have multiple fire engines responding. 

Eddie refocuses and sits on the edge of his seat as Bobby fills them in about the scene and about what to expect. They’ll be working alongside the other crew to clear the building as quickly as possible since their own crew has been short one amidst the recruitment efforts. 

There are countless businesses scattered through the sixteen floors of the building and Eddie knows that it’s going to be a challenge to clear each of them. Hopefully with as many engines as they have responding, they’ll be able to make it through before the building becomes unstable.

The fire truck pulls to a stop and their heads turn towards the building. “Holy shit,” Eddie mutters under his breath. They’d been told the blaze had only just begun shortly before they were dispatched and now the fire licks angrily up the building, the entirety of the sixteen stories engulfed in flames. 


	3. Chapter 3

One moment Buck is on a Skype call with Maddie and the next, he’s telling her he has to go. The sound emanating from the smoke alarms is sounding their warning across their office building and the noise is piercing. Buck moves swiftly and taps on the knob to his closed door, checking for signs of heat, and feeling thankful when it doesn’t scald his hand. When he pushes the office door open, he finds himself face to face with a wall of smoke where the hallway should be. Buck coughs bringing his shirt up over his nose and blasts out of his office into the unknown.

“Sheila? Josh?” Buck shouts loudly, continuing to call out the names of each of his employees. He’s effectively blind and deaf for a moment as he adjusts and feels along the wall to guide himself towards their cubicles. Anxiety claws at his chest but Buck does his best to push those feelings down for later. They don’t need someone who panics in the midst of disaster, they need a boss that can keep it together and help them get out alive.

“Buck!” Sheila’s voice cuts through the noise. “I-I can’t find Josh, he was just here. He has asthma.” 

Buck reaches Sheila as she sputters above the smoke. Hearing that Josh is missing sends off all kinds of alarms in Buck’s mind but he knows that Sheila is in front of him now and he needs to get her out first. He needs to get them _all_ out safely.

“We need to get down,” Buck tells her as he guides her down to the floor, beneath the densest plumes of smoke. “And we need to get you out of here, we’ll find Josh, alright?”

“No, Buck—”

“Sheila.” Buck swallows and blinks a few times as the smoke dries his eyes to the point of irritation. “We’ll find him, I promise, but we need to get you out first.” Buck's authoritative tone leaves no room for argument and she follows him blindly towards the stairwell, leading other personnel as they pass them in the direction of the emergency exit.

Buck has Sheila, often referred to as the office mom, by her elbow to ensure that she doesn’t slip away from his grasp. She’s been there since the very beginning of the West Coast branch and is one of the most caring people that he’s ever met. He knows that every part of her is screaming at her to go back in after Josh. If he’s being truthful with himself, so is he. Buck hates himself for needing to act responsibly and help everyone else out while his asthmatic best friend might still be inside choking on smoke.

As the chatter towards the ground floor continues, swarms of office personnel escape from the crowded staircase and emerge into the chaos of the early L.A. afternoon. When they finally step outside, Buck leads Sheila over to where a portion of his staff is already waiting. His eyes sweep over them once more, noticing the four employees that are not present, including Josh. Buck also observes that, although he can hear the approaching sirens, the fire trucks haven’t arrived yet.

Buck’s eyes drift back to the office buildings. He registers the fire that angrily blazes on, hot licks of fire climbing up and sending a billowing black warning to the sky above.

He can’t risk waiting those few extra minutes, especially when they could mean life or death for people that he knows and cares about. Buck takes a few shaky breaths into his aching lungs before he wordlessly slips back into the crowded staircase. He moves against the swarm of bodies that are trying to escape the smoke-filled staircase, pausing on the third floor’s landing and grips the railing for a moment. He coughs into the crook of his elbow before forcing his aching legs onward, up the staircase which continues to disappear into the thickening smoke.

Buck reaches their floor and as he moves forward he notices the fire has grown in the time that he’s been gone, bursts of orange dancing brightly against the usually pallor walls. “Josh? Sarah? Sam? Kendra?” Buck calls out to the four employees that were missing from the roll call in front of the high-rise inferno. Hearing noise, Buck moves forward, hissing out a breath as he moves too quickly and fire sears his delicate skin, gritting his teeth together to manage the pain. 

“Sam?” Buck squats down when he hears the noise again, coming from underneath Sam’s desk. “We gotta get you out—” He coughs fitfully into the crook of his elbow. “Come on,” he urges, reaching a hand down to help Sam out. 

When Sam emerges from beneath the desk, Sarah and Kendra are waiting behind them. Buck leads them to the stairwell and reminds the three of them to stay together, allowing a brief moment of relief to wash over him. He reminds himself that there’s one more employee he needs to help to safety.

“Josh?” Buck continues to call, flinching as he hears a snap when a beam comes down on the other side of their office. “Josh?” His voice is becoming more strained and frantic the longer that he searches without answer. He knows the fire department is coming and unlike Buck, they’re trained for this. But this is a high-rise and who knows how long it could be until they eventually recover Josh. It’s not a risk Buck’s willing to take. 

He hears a muffled voice and while he can’t hear what’s said, there is something distinctly familiar about it. “Josh Russo, if you don’t answer me _right now_!” Buck shouts desperately as his voice sways closer towards the edge of panic. His eyes are bloodshot and stinging without reprieve as he continues to move between the rows of cubicles.

“Buck,” he hears a raspy voice answer. _Josh_. Relief washes over him amidst the chaos, smoke, and the roar of fire that has turned office furniture into nothing more than blackened char around them. He moves in close when he finds Josh with his back propped against someone’s desk. Buck watches Josh’s chest rise and fall too rapidly, hearing each breath escape as a painful wheeze.

“Josh, we’re gonna get you out of here.” Buck rests his hand on Josh’s shoulder, wondering if he’s said the words for Josh’s benefit or for his own. Buck stays low to the ground with Josh as he squints, trying to mentally clear a path to the stairwell as he retraces the pieces of the broken maze in his mind. “We need to stay down. Can you crawl?” 

“Yeah, I can move,” Josh assures him, carefully moving forward to follow Buck’s lead. Since Buck’s been moving around avoiding the worst of the blaze, he knows which areas have been completely engulfed. He hopes that they’re able to reach the staircase before the fire blocks it off completely.

Buck’s forehead creases, swearing that he hears something sounding like radio chatter. Then it hits him — the fire department is searching for survivors. Buck and Josh continue their careful crawl until finally the door to the stairwell comes into sight. 

Buck hears a loud crack, the same as before and hears another beam come down. The crash that comes this time is louder and closer than before. He moves upright, watching as the fire licks through the ceiling of the sixth floor and into the seventh. 

“Diaz, I’m pulling everyone out—do you copy?”

There’s silence for a moment before Buck sees a firefighter closing the distance between them. He looks at Buck and asks, “Is there anyone else?”

Buck shakes his head as he coughs. “No, we’re the last two from this office.” 

Diaz leads them down the smoke-filled stairwell, away from the billowing fire and towards the safety of the makeshift triage in the L.A. streets below. Josh leans his weight more heavily onto his boss. Buck tries his best to focus on each and every step, but his legs are beginning to feel like they’re filled with cement. Buck stumbles a little and with Diaz’s help, he’s able to keep moving and they keep Josh upright between them. “You alright?” Diaz asks as he reaches around Josh and grasps Buck’s elbow. 

Buck pulls his elbow away and manages a nod. “Just… help him. I’m fine.”

The firefighter looks at him with what Buck thinks is disbelief, but he moves to Josh’s aid anyway, with Buck in front of them. Buck nearly trips again, but realizes they’ve reached the ground floor and he staggers out into the street. He coughs into the crook of his elbow several times, his lungs burning in his chest as they try to adjust. 

Diaz and Josh step out behind Buck, Josh still leaning on the firefighter for support. Buck’s coughing fit subsides and they continue to move carefully towards the firetrucks and ambulances that are scattered along the street. Buck hears Josh wheezing beside him, and Diaz says something into his radio again before he’s taking off his helmet. “We need to get you two looked over,” he says, concerned eyes flitting between the pair.

Buck is quiet for a moment, eyes combing over the features of the dark-haired firefighter in front of him. “I’m fine,” Buck chokes out as he uses the back of his hand to brush off some of the sweat on his brow. When he lowers his hand, he sees that the sweat is muddy and gray from ash and soot. “Josh has asthma,” he says by way of explanation, as though that explains his own condition. 

Thankfully a paramedic takes Josh aside immediately triaging his condition.

Buck is surprised when firefighter Diaz places a guiding hand on Buck’s arm. “You too.”

“I just told you that I’m fine,” Buck repeats before Diaz motions for him to sit against the back of a fire rig and Buck’s legs wobble beneath him as he hesitantly complies. He’s met with disbelieving dark eyes and Buck sighs. He’s used to being the one holding everything together and making the decisions, so being told what to do is a challenge for him.

Buck peers around the firefighter, trying to see where his team is gathered. He needs to see for himself that the three employees he sent out of the building together made it to the gathering area safely.

“You know, there’s a group of people over there.” Diaz motions in the general direction of where Buck’s staff is gathered. “Said some idiot went back into the building for them. Pulled out at least three or four people.” 

Buck feels his jaw tick at Diaz’s words. “They would’ve done the same thing for me.” 

The fact that it’s even being insinuated that he shouldn’t have gone back in after his employees makes him feel like he’s going to come out of his skin, especially as he thinks about the alternative. When the firefighters were pulled from the building —before it was fully cleared— how many people were still left inside? Buck tries to push the thought down as the worst case scenarios flash through his mind. He could have lost an employee, like so many other people here today. He could have lost Josh. Buck wonders how many families have someone to mourn. “Look, do you even know what you’re doing?”

Diaz rolls his eyes at Buck and he forces himself to bite back another snide response. That’s not the way you’re supposed to react after being rescued from a burning building, is it? He’s never been good at proper etiquette or at least, that’s what Gram always tells him. 

“Most people don’t run into burning buildings,” Eddie pauses, “and those that do are usually firefighters.” 

“I’m definitely _not_ a firefighter.” Buck says, wincing as Diaz begins to look over the angry red burn that’s blistering on his forearm. 

“Maybe you should be,” Diaz urges. “We’re always in need of great firefighters on our team, though maybe not someone _quite_ so reckless. But it would be unfair if I didn’t at least admit that you were kind of a badass today. _‘Office Worker turned Hero’_ , I can see the headline now.” He smiles at Buck and, for a moment, Buck feels a little lighter under the weight of today.

Buck laughs before it turns into a coughing fit and then finally the cough sputters to a stop. “I’ll take that into consideration, ya know, if I need a change of pace.” 

There’s a small smile that tugs at the corner of Buck’s mouth. Though he’s not quite sure why, the banter with the other man is so easy and takes Buck away from the gravity of the day. The firefighter was chastising him only minutes before and yet it all seems forgotten. Instead, Buck admires Diaz and tries to convince himself that the fact that he’s not hard on the eyes has nothing to do with his own smile. 

There’s a comfortable silence for a moment, then “I’m sorry for getting pissy earlier. I guess I'm just not great at being told what to do.”

“You might need to fix that before putting in your application at the LAFD.” Diaz pauses, “I’m Eddie, by the way,” he says, offering an outstretched hand to Buck.

“Buck.” He shakes Eddie’s offered hand, not missing the firm shake he receives in return. There’s a fluttering deep in his stomach, which is offset by the dull ache in his lungs. “Thanks for uh, getting us out of there.”

“I think you had it under control before I found you.” Eddie admits as he carefully bandages the burn on Buck’s forearm, his fingers moving slowly to not cause any additional pain. Swallowing hard, Buck tries to ignore the way that the light brush of Eddie’s fingers against his skin dulls the pain. “All in all, you aren’t too worse for the wear, but we’re going to need you to take a trip to the hospital to get cleared for smoke inhalation.”

“But I feel fine.” Buck urges, and he studies Eddie’s reaction. His brow is raised as though pondering whether or not Buck is going to start pushing back again.

“I don’t make the rules.” Eddie laughs quietly as a paramedic sidles up beside them. “Hey Chim, he’s about ready to go. Just needs his blood pressure and vitals checked before heading over to the hospital.”

“This one here’s the hero?” Chim asks as he chuckles and shakes his head. “The one in the ambulance is asking for him.” 

“Yeah, you got the right one.” Eddie assures Chimney before turning his attention to Buck. “It was nice meeting you, although other circumstances would’ve been nicer, I’m sure.”

Buck opens his mouth to say something, but stops when the paramedic speaks again. “Let’s get you out of here so you can hopefully get home before dinner, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah that sounds good.” Buck turns to Eddie briefly, searching for the right words to say. “Thank you again… for helping me get out of there and uh,” Buck lifts his bandaged arm awkwardly. “For this too.” 

When the hell did he lose the ability to speak coherent sentences? He sounds like a raging idiot.

 _Other circumstances would’ve been nicer_ . What does that even mean? Buck tells himself not to overanalyze it, although that’s exactly what he ends up doing as he tries to dissect what Eddie could have meant. Buck would definitely like to run into Eddie somewhere that wasn’t a burning building. He’d be lying if he said seeing him in the uniform didn’t do _something_ to him, though.

Buck walks with Chimney to the ambulance where Josh has already been loaded inside. Josh gives him a tired, lopsided grin that Buck can barely make out beneath his oxygen mask but he feels some of the tension ease of his shoulders for how much better Josh looks. The color is returning to his face, and he doesn’t look nearly so pallor. “Glad to see you won’t be outdone by a little fire. I’ll see you at the hospital.”

Josh pulls the mask down so that his words won’t be muffled as he talks. “Okay, but first I need to know, did you get the hot firefighter’s number?” Josh croaks out and Buck hears Chimney snort and a light cackle from the driver of the ambulance.

“God, no. I’m a professional, Josh,” Buck says defensively with a surprised shake of his head. Was Eddie trying to hint that he’d like the opportunity to call Buck? If so, it was an opportunity completely missed. 

Buck thinks back to his conversation with Josh only the other night, where he told his friend he didn’t need something else to juggle. Even if that thing came in the form of a very attractive dark-haired firefighter, who may as well have been pulled from the pages of a Firefighter of the Year calendar.

A strangled sound comes from Josh that causes him to cough and sputter a few times before his breathing settles. “Do I have to teach you everything?”

* * *

Buck’s phone dies while he’s waiting in the emergency room and he instantly feels guilty for it. He knows he should’ve sent Maddie a quick text to let her know that he was alright after ending their Skype call so abruptly, but there’s nothing that he can do about it while they run a battery of tests on him.

Despite all of his tests coming back normal, the doctor wants to keep Buck overnight and monitor him due to how long he was exposed. He momentarily considers being that patient— the one who knows better than the doctors and demands to be released— but decides against it. He gets roomed with Josh, which should at least make it bearable. 

It’s a lot easier to see with his own eyes that Josh is okay instead of having to call him repeatedly all night and check in on him. Being able to see firsthand that his best friend is breathing normally has certainly calmed that set of nerves.

“Can’t you make this call for me?” Buck fidgets with the neat fold of the bedsheet, sighing as he lays back on the uncomfortable pillow behind him.

“We’re not at work, Buck,” Josh tells him dryly.

“You barely even worked today,” Buck teases. He’s trying to make light of the situation, trying to deflect from the thoughts that he’s really at war with. 

The excruciating heat that surrounded him, fire licking around him as his pulse thundered relentlessly. He deflects so that when he looks at his best friend he can try to erase the image from his memory of Josh cowered helplessly on the floor, with no hope of escape. 

Josh looks at him closely, like he’s trying to figure out the last few pieces to a very complicated puzzle. “Why are you avoiding calling her anyway? You talk to your sister like three times a day.”

Buck runs both hands over his face. “I know that, logically. She’s just —she’s going to be worried, which is fine and I understand because I’d be worried if she had been in a burning building today.” 

“Okay,” Josh probes. “Then what’s the problem?” 

“She has spent the better part of her entire life worrying about me when she shouldn’t have to.” Buck pauses as he searches for the right words. “And when she realizes that I’m fine, she’s going to ask what happens next for the business —and I haven’t had the time to catch my literal breath, let alone get my bearings and figure out a long-term plan for the company.” 

Right now all he wants to do is close his eyes for a little while and not have the worry for all the days ahead creeping in.

“Okay, so _if_ she asks what the plan is, which I don’t think she will, you tell her you’ll figure it out but you need a few days to wrap your head around it. I think she just needs to know that you’re alright and not talking to her is just gonna make her worry even more.”

Buck nods. He knows that Josh is right and he needs to call her back. He takes a steadying breath before he dials Maddie’s number and closes his eyes as if that will shut out Buck’s worry, for what the silence has done to Maddie.

“Evan—” Maddie nearly chokes out his name before she’s able to continue. “God, you cannot hang up with smoke alarms blaring in the background and not call me back for _four_ hours.” Maddie’s voice trembles slightly and immediately Buck feels guilty for being the cause of her worry. 

“Sorry, Mads,” he whispers. “There was a fire in the building. Everyone’s okay.” Buck says as evenly as he can muster. He swallows and finds that his throat still feels raw. Shifting on the hospital bed, he reaches for the cup of water that the nurse left for him and takes a careful sip.

“Yeah?”

“Josh and I have to stay up at the hospital for the night, but they’re going to release us in the morning. I sent everyone else home for the day with strict orders to rest. I’ll call them tomorrow morning to check in.” 

“Are you sure you’re okay, Evan? Why do you have to stay?” Maddie asks with a wobble to her voice. She’s quiet for a moment as if she’s struggling with the words, then — “I can call them for you.” 

“Smoke inhalation. Everything looks fine, but they just want to monitor us in case there are any delayed symptoms. I don’t mind calling them,” he admits, thinking that if he can at least talk to his employees, he’ll know that they’re all alright after today. Buck saw each of them with his own eyes and he knows that logically they’re okay, but there’s a part of him that needs the extra reassurance.

Buck talks to Maddie for a few more minutes, his voice getting scratchier and more strained the longer that they talk. She makes Buck promise to take care of himself, to listen to the doctors and take it easy. She assures him that she’ll talk to their grandparents and tell them about the fire, about the business— about _Buck_. Buck is so thankful for his sister in that moment and while he knows that he’s going to need to talk to them later on, it’s a temporary weight off of his chest. That’s one less phone call he needs to make today.

His eyes are heavy and he glances over at Josh who’s been silent since he hung up the phone. He hopes that Josh is able to get some rest and that the treatments Josh has been receiving for his asthma since he’s been admitted continue to help. 

Buck closes his eyes as well, but is unable to sleep. Images from earlier today assault the quiet and calmness that he’s finally found in their hospital room. 

“Thank you.” Josh’s voice is so soft that Buck’s almost certain that he’s imagined it. He opens his eyes anyway and meets Josh’s teary-eyed gaze. “Thank you for saving my life _again_.”

“There’s no way I was gonna leave my ride-or-die behind.” Buck forces out an insincere laugh, his own eyes wet at the thought of what he nearly lost today. The business would recover, he would find a way to make it work, but if they hadn’t found Josh, Buck isn’t sure if he would ever recover from losing someone so important to him. He’s thankful that he doesn’t have to try.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Nicole for the beta on this chapter. Also, thanks so much for all the love so far on this story, I appreciate it so much and am glad you're enjoying it.

After a long shift, Eddie’s biggest reward is coming home to his son. He’s able to disconnect from all of the stress of the day and wrap his arms around all that is real and good in the world.

Today’s shift wasn’t a hard one but he aches to have his little boy in his arms just the same. He pulls his truck into the driveway and grabs his bag before stepping into the house. As soon as Eddie makes his way inside he registers the unusual quiet. He isn’t greeted at the door by the clicking of crutches against hardwood and doesn’t hear Christopher playing with his legos or cars from his favorite place in the living room. Eddie walks to the kitchen where he sees Carla sitting at the table. With an unopened bottle of beer on the table, at three in the afternoon. He eyes the bottle for a moment before turning his full attention to Carla. 

“Carla?” Eddie draws her name out in question.

Carla motions to the empty seat across from her. “Sit down.”

Eddie hesitates and sits with an uncertain sigh. “Carla,” he tries again. “What’s going on?”

“You’re gonna wanna twist that cap off and take a couple of sips before we start this conversation, sugar.” Carla pats his hand reassuringly. Eddie tries his best to not groan at her words and the indication that this is going to be anything but pleasant. In spite of that, he follows her instruction and takes a few long swallows before he sets the beer bottle down on the table.

“Better?” 

Carla barely nods. “So, I got a call from the school while you were working today.” She leads in, leveling him with a serious stare. “Christopher got called to the principal’s office.”

“He _what_?”

“Apparently he hit another boy in his class,” Carla stops then, her expression becoming unreadable. “Which in itself is obviously out of character for him, but he’s refusing to talk to me about it. He’s been holed up in his room for the last hour.”

Eddie runs both hands roughly over his face. “Fighting? He’s eight. He’s never hurt a fly in his life.”

“I know that.” Carla reassures Eddie as she places a hand gently on his forearm. Eddie expels the breath that he’s been holding for a few seconds. Eddie _knows_ Christopher —he’s the kindest, most level-headed kid— could something drive him to physically hit another kid? Eddie sits at the table silently, brings the beer to his lips and takes several more gulps.

“Okay, so he wouldn’t just do that,” Eddie says as calmly as he can muster. “Something happened that made him react like that.”

“I agree with you, Eddie, but you’re gonna have to talk to him to find out what happened. He’s made it clear as day that he’s not going to talk to me about it. Christopher is a great kid, we both know that. He wouldn’t just haul off and punch another kid without some reason behind it.” Carla pats his cheek affectionately before she gets up from the table before turning her attention back to Eddie. “I’m going to go and drink a couple tall glasses of wine after the afternoon that I’ve had. You get to the bottom of this. He trusts you.”

Eddie thanks Carla for handling things and says goodbye to her before draining the last of his beer. He braces himself on the edge of the sink with closed eyes, summoning for the strength and knowledge he needs to handle this.

Eddie hesitates outside of Christopher’s bedroom.

Finally, he knocks on the door. “Christopher, can I come in?’ Silence. Eddie mentally braces himself, then knocks on the door again. “ _Mijo_ , can I come in please?” He hears Christopher mumble something on the other side of the door though he can’t quite make out what he says, but takes the acknowledgement that he was at least heard.. “I’m going to open the door now.” 

He gently pushes the door open and steps inside, his heart stopping for a moment when he sees Christopher crumbled in a heap on his bed, ugly tears streaming down his cheeks. Eddie’s heart aches for him instantly, and he forces himself to keep his movements controlled as he strides over to the bed. Once he’s seated on the edge of his son’s bed, Eddie instinctively reaches out and gently brushes back his mussed curls. “Christopher, what’s going on?” 

Christopher sniffles loudly and lowers his eyes, refusing to look at Eddie, as though afraid of what he’ll find there. If there is one thing that they’ve always had, it’s the ability to communicate with each other. At least, that’s what Eddie thought. The fact that Christopher is afraid to look at him now makes him question his abilities as a dad, his ability to handle whatever _this_ is.

“Did Carla tell you?”

“About school? Eddie asks gently. When he sees Christopher’s head barely bob up and down, Eddie continues. “Yeah, she told me about what happened at school. Or, at least what they told her happened at school.” Eddie doesn’t miss the way that Christopher’s shifts uneasily on his bed or the fact that the boy still doesn’t lift his eyes to look at him. 

Eddie remains on the edge of Christopher’s bed in silence for a couple of minutes. When it becomes clear that Christopher isn’t going to talk to him without additional prodding, Eddie shifts his weight until his back is against the headboard and gently pulls Christopher up with him. “You gonna tell me what really happened?”

Christopher wipes at his wet cheeks and Eddie feels his son’s breathing begin to regulate. It’s a full minute later when Christopher breaks the silence and responds to him. “He said something mean.”

Eddie’s forehead creases and his lips press into a tight line as he thinks about it. He’s glad that Christopher is finally starting to talk to him about what happened, but he feels an overwhelming sense of worry hit him. Eddie thinks about the worst scenarios, the bullying that he’s always feared would become an issue. “What did he say?”

Christopher sucks in his bottom lip for a second. “We had a small group in class today, and… we read a story.” 

Eddie knows there should be a part of him that is upset with Christopher for hitting another kid, but he’ll have to deal with that at some other point. Right now, he’s too focused on the dread pooling in his gut at the thought of whatever pushed his sweet kid to physically hurt a classmate. He closes his eyes for a moment and thinks of those times in his own life when he’d been in trouble for fighting. He pushes aside those memories now and focuses on Christopher. 

“Then what happened?” Eddie prods gently.

“It was about a family and after the story, my teacher asked what we were doing with our families this weekend.” Christopher stops for a long moment, clamps his mouth shut as if he’s afraid to say the words aloud. Finally, he pushes forward and says, “my friends were talking about what they’re gonna be doing with their moms and some of them with their moms and dads.”

“Okay.” Eddie places a kiss against Christopher’s temple and rubs a hand over his back.

“So I told them what I’d be doing with you, and…” he trails off. Eddie feels like he’s still missing a big part of what happened and he hopes that being here with Christopher and remaining calm about all of this instead of being angry or upset will make his son open up. “Collin asked me why mom wasn’t doing things with us this weekend. I told him that my mom doesn’t live here with us., that I haven’t seen her since I was little and - and—”

Everything in Eddie wants to tell Christopher that it’s okay. He wants to remind him to take a deep breath but now that Christopher’s words are finally tumbling out, he doesn’t want to stop them. He doesn’t want him to think more about what he’s saying and have him close off again. “—and he told me that mom thinks I’m stupid and that’s why she’s not around.”

“ _Mijo_ ,” Eddie hears the shake in his own voice. He feels like a ton of lead has bottomed out in his stomach and he’s barely able to keep his composure as Christopher is on the verge of hyperventilating again in his arms. “That’s not true.”

Christopher surges on, ignoring Eddie’s words. “He said that my mom probably wishes I’d never been born.” He blinks past his tears and sniffles loudly. “So I hit him.”

Eddie sighs as his heart breaks for his son. He’s only in the third grade and the fact that there’s already someone mean and cruel enough to plant those seeds in Christopher’s mind makes Eddie’s heart ache.. 

He tugs gently at Christopher’s curls as he looks down at him, before wiping away his son’s tears. “Did you tell your teacher about what Collin said?”

Christopher shakes his head. “ _No_. I shouldn’t have hit him—because it hurt Collin and it wasn’t nice.” Eddie pulls back slightly as Christopher goes quiet. “Is it true, Dad? I think that… would it have been easier… if—”

“No.” Eddie stops Christopher’s train of thought abruptly. “Your mom and I got so lucky with you, kiddo. I wasn’t there for you a lot when you were little and I'm sorry that I missed out on that time with you,” Eddie admits honestly. “And you know your grandma, your mom’s mom got really sick, right? So your mom had to go away.” He feels the slight bob of Christopher’s head against his chest as he curls further into the comfort of Eddie’s arms. “She still loves you very much. Some families are just _different_.”

“I’m tired of always being different!” Christopher sniffles loudly and then wipes at his eyes. 

“Christopher.” Eddie feels all of his worry, all of the things that he doesn’t want his son to have to face surging to the surface. He’s sure that he’s going to mess this up. That he won’t have the right words to fix this for his son and say the wrong thing.

Eddie gently moves Christopher away from his chest, trying to search his face. “Are you just talking about your mom?” Christopher refuses to lift his eyes and shrugs. Eddie sighs and shifts him again, taking Christopher’s face in between his hands. “I need you to use your words. Is all of this about mom?”

“I’m the only kid in my class who doesn’t have their mom. The only one in my class that has stupid crutches.” Eddie swallows, not allowing his gaze to falter from Christopher’s face despite how hard it is to see him so broken. “I’m always different. I just want to be like everyone else,” he whispers.

“Being different can be really hard.” Eddie says, stroking his thumbs across Christopher’s cheeks. “Hey, look at me, okay?” he urges and Christopher sniffles, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose before his watery blue eyes focus on Eddie. “Being different makes you really special. You know there’s nobody like you in this entire world? Nobody who’s as sweet or caring as you, nobody who works as hard as you. You have the ability to do so many amazing things, Christopher. Don’t get caught up in what you have to do differently to get there.” Eddie places a soft kiss on Christopher’s forehead. 

He doesn’t want Christopher to have to worry about those things. Not yet. He’s only eight, he wants him to focus on all of the good around him, the way that Eddie tries to focus on all of the good that Christopher brings to his life.

That kid lights up his world on a daily basis. He decides that’s enough talking about what happened at school today, especially when Christopher is so drained. They can talk about everything else—the consequences— another day.

“Did you ever think of what you have that other kids don’t?”

“I guess… I never really thought about that.” Christopher whispers.

“What’s one thing you have that nobody else has?” 

Christopher is quiet for a minute as he thinks, finally lifting his head off of Eddie’s chest to look at him. “ _You_ ,” he says quietly.

“Of all the things you have going for you, I hardly think you should say it’s me. I make mistakes everyday.” 

“I make mistakes and you love me the same.” 

Eddie opens his mouth to say something before he closes it, thinking better of not saying anything. Christopher is right. Eddie’s not perfect and neither is Chris, maybe someday he’ll be able to see himself through the same lens that his boy is able to see him through.

Or at least, as being something more than the dad who made mistakes and went on to regret them.

* * *

Eddie notices the noise as soon as they walk through the doors. The second thing that he notices is the way that Christopher’s face lights up once they’re inside. It’s Harry’s birthday and Bobby set up a small party at the local arcade with the one-eighteen. He even managed to convince Chimney to come despite the fact that he’s the only one without a kid. On some days though, it can be debated that he’s the biggest kid that belongs to the one-eighteen. 

Christopher moves quickly to join Harry and Denny, his crutches clicking furiously against the hard floor. “Eddie, we’re glad you could make it,” Bobby greets, smiling as he watches the younger boys try to decide what they’re going to play first. 

“Wouldn’t miss it.” Setting the gift bag down on the table. His eyes scan the room slowly. “So, where are all the adults?” 

Bobby grins at him. “I guess that depends on what your definition of an adult is.”

Eddie follows Bobby’s gaze to where Athena is standing with a hand on her hip watching Hen and Chim arguing at one of the arcade games. He snorts. “Oh no, Mama Thena’s taking care of the big kids already?”

“They’re worse than the little ones.” Bobby squeezes Eddie’s shoulder, and Eddie’s thankful to have this distraction after the last couple of days. He wants Christopher to feel like the rest of the kids and Eddie hopes that he’ll have that today. In the company of the team and their families, Christopher has never been treated any differently. He’s always been just another one of the kids. “Eddie?”

Eddie clears his throat as he tries to shake the thoughts away. “Yeah?”

“Everything okay?”

Eddie’s gaze slides over to the three boys and he watches them happily play a game of Skeeball. “Yeah, everything’s alright, Cap.”

A silence falls between them as they watch from the sidelines of the birthday party. “You know that you don’t have to just say that everything is okay if it’s not?” Bobby prods in the way that only Bobby can. 

Eddie opens his mouth to argue, but decides against it. “I-I do know that.” A small sigh slips past Eddie’s lips and he pulls out one of the chairs and sits at the table, turning so he can still watch the kids play. Bobby sits next to him, positioning his chair so that he’s able to watch the kids too. Eddie drags a hand over the back of his neck. “It’s just been a rough week. Chris has been looking forward to this all week.”

Bobby is watching him intently when he says, “rough for you or rough for Chris?”

Eddie isn’t sure how to answer that so he stays quiet for a minute. The last thing that he wants is for Christopher to come over and hear them talking about his terrible week at school. Finally, he shrugs. “I just realized the other day when I was dropping Chris off at school how big he’s actually getting. I gave him a kiss at school and he was _embarrassed_. He’s becoming so independent, and I—”

“And you what?” Bobby urges Eddie to continue. Eddie struggles to talk about his own feelings; about Christopher, about his fears—about any of it. He’s never had someone like Bobby in his life before that was invested in him and his feelings. It’s the complete opposite of his own father who only wanted Eddie to fit in a certain mold. The last thing that was allowed was showing weakness or hinting at failure because failure wasn’t an option.

“I just think about the time that I chose to not be here when he needed me the most.” Eddie searches for the words, the weight of what he wants to say acting like a tightening vice around his throat. “When Shannon was trying to figure out the CP diagnosis, when Christopher was little and he needed his dad… I was a stranger to him. Now he’s getting older and he doesn’t need me in that way, not anymore.”

Bobby places a comforting hand on Eddie’s shoulder and offers him a smile. “Christopher is _always_ going to need his dad. Maybe not in the same way that he did when he was two, but I think there are a lot of ways that he needs you now that are a lot more important than a diaper change. He trusts you, Eddie. In a way that most kids that age don’t. He’s an amazing kid because his dad’s an amazing man. You weren’t missing from his life because you didn’t want to be there. You were fighting for your country.”

Eddie’s eyes close for a second trying to push aside the familiar wave of self-loathing. The dialogue in the back of his mind that has never slipped past his lips. His inner voice that knows the ugly truth. That Eddie was scared and that he didn’t want to be there, that he chose to be away from his family. Bobby is a good man, much more like a father figure than his own dad has been for the entirety of his life. But Bobby tragically lost his family—they were ripped away from him—how could he ever tell Bobby that he chose to lose time with Christopher because of his own fear?

“You’re right.” Eddie manages with a slight nod, his entire body feeling rigid, like he doesn’t belong in his own skin. “Just gotta remember that I’m here now, right?”

If Eddie thought his tight smile was convincing, Bobby shatters that pretense. “Eddie,” Bobby looks at Eddie closely. “You don’t need to do that.” 

Eddie feels himself putting those same walls up, the ones that protect him from the emotion of it all. With those walls erected and properly in their place he can be what’s expected of him. The doting father of an amazing kid. And he _is._ From the day that Shannon left, Eddie has been everything that Christopher needs and tries to be _more_. It was just in those early days that he wasn’t and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever quite be able to put those failures to bed.

“Don’t need to do what, Cap?” Eddie asks as he moves to stand. The expression on Bobby’s face is serious but he follows Eddie’s lead and stands beside him. Eddie wonders how he’s gotten lucky enough to have Bobby as his captain and surrogate father. How he’s been lucky enough to adopt the one-eighteen as a family.

“Pretend.” The one-word answer hits its target and Eddie feels his stomach drop.

Instead of addressing Bobby’s concern Eddie claps his shoulder lightly instead. “Let’s go see if Hen’s finished kicking Chim’s ass in Pac-Man. I could use some entertainment.” He feels Bobby’s shoulders tense slightly but drops his hand away as Bobby nods. It’s clear that Bobby wants to get to the bottom of whatever is going on with Eddie, but he must realize that Harry’s birthday party isn’t going to be the time that he opens up about all of his past scars—all of his current struggles—and he lets it go.

Two hours into the birthday party and Eddie’s fairly certain that the adults at the party have spent far more time playing the arcade games than the kids have. Harry is opening his presents from Christopher and Denny and he grins happily when he sees that he has more Beyblades to add to his collection.

“Harry, you should tell them about the present your stepdad over here got for you,” Athena says as she bends down to pick up the discarded tissue and wrapping paper. 

There is a loud groan at the mere mention of it. “Do I have to? You think it’s a lot funnier than it is.” 

Athena looks at him with an expression that must tell him that he should start talking, so he does. “Bobby gave me a Nintendo Switch.” The boy makes air quotes as he says Nintendo Switch and rolls his eyes. “A light switch with the word ‘Nintendo’ above it.”

Eddie tries not to but a laugh slips past his lips as he looks over at Bobby. 

“Wow,” Chim snorts.

“Bobby, tell me you did not.” Hen scolds with a disbelieving look on her face.

“I did,” Bobby winces slightly, stepping around the gift table and grabbing a forgotten present. “I thought it was funny.” Bobby hands the present to Harry who looks for a card or tag. 

“Maybe the card got lost?” Athena supplies, “We can figure out who it’s from after you open it.” Harry doesn’t have to be told twice and rips open the paper quickly.

“Is this a joke?” Harry looks up from the present, quickly searching for Bobby.

“It’s not a joke,” Bobby promises, smiling back at the grinning boy. “My joke was poorly timed... you were always getting a Switch.”

Eddie notes the grin on Harry’s face. The face of a kid who’s won the lottery in the stepdad department. Eddie thinks, yet another person touched by love from one Bobby Nash. He’s never related to an eleven-year-old so much in his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just hang in a few more chapters for these two to cross paths again ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to Nicole for betaing this for me. Enjoy the chapter a tad early because work is gonna be a mess and I'll forget xD

Trying to find a new normal for his office team is exhausting. Buck considers a lot of possible scenarios like renting out a new space and he even checks out several spaces, but he doesn’t feel good or excited about any of them. When he first started the West Coast branch of the Limitless Project three years ago, he thought that keeping the office staff and the actual business separate would be for the best and would lead to far less distractions. 

He remembers Gramp always complaining about not being able to get his work done when Buck was younger, back to a time when the flagship of the company was growing. There was always someone knocking at his door with some kind of emergency or problem that they deemed important enough to interrupt his work with. Most of the time it was important, but a lot of things could’ve easily been handled by someone else. They knew that he would fix the problem, so the problems had a tendency of multiplying.

Buck followed his Gramp’s advice and had a separate location for their offices than for the actual center. It did have the desired effect and there’s been far less distraction than a constant knock on his door. However, as Buck stands in another white-walled office space trying to decide if it’s the right one, for the sixth time the answer is a resounding no. 

As much as he’s tried to segregate the two parts of the business in the past, he thinks about how the most valued hour of his work week is the hour that he spends with Jayden each Thursday. That time with Jayden keeps him connected to the heart of the business, to the real reason that his grandparents started it to begin with. Though Buck was only a few years old when his grandparents took over legal custody of them, Maddie was eleven and old enough to realize that she was different from other kids. They saw that she was struggling with the adjustment and getting her involved in extracurricular activities offered in their community helped a lot.

Until the funding got cut and those activities completely stopped.

Maddie’s behavior worsened until it reached a point that they didn’t know what they could do to help her. The activities that helped her to focus on something other than the sadness over her situation had been ripped away. The county didn’t have money to fund the program any longer and their grandparents were forced to make peace with that. 

So they decided to start a new business venture and created a business aimed towards helping kids in the community, which in turn would help to relieve the stress on the families a bit. It wasn’t an easy or quick process by any means, but they were able to help the kids in their local community—including their own grandchildren.

After Buck thanks the owner of the office building, he drives back towards the center and parks his Jeep. He makes his way inside and while he knows that he needs to figure out a plan soon so that the office staff isn’t working remotely from their dining room tables indefinitely.

He knows that he needs to make a decision and soon, but it’s one that can’t be rushed. If he makes the wrong decision, it will negatively affect the entire team. Whatever decision he ends up making, Buck needs to ensure that it’s the right one.

Buck walks inside and gets a copy of the day’s schedule of activities from the receptionist, Blair, and thanks her. He takes it with him as he walks the halls, taking the time to look in on a few of the activities briefly, careful not to interrupt them. 

He grabs a pad of paper and a pen and sits down in one of the activity rooms. If he wants to ensure that he’s making the right decisions for the staff, then he needs to go straight to the source: his employees. Pulling out his cell phone, he takes his time and one by one calls each of them.

Buck asks them all one question: “What do you like most about working here?” He jots down notes as he talks to each of the employees, thanks them for their time and hangs up. He stares down at the answers, tapping the pen against the notepad as he does so. Finally, he picks up the phone and calls Maddie.

“Hey Buck, how did you like the office building on 34th?” 

“It didn’t feel right,” Buck says, putting her on speaker phone. 

“You’ve said that about all of them.” 

“I know I have... and I think I figured out why.”

“Okay, what is it?” Maddie asks patiently. 

“So you know how Gramps told me he thought it would be really helpful if I kept the offices separate from the center because there would be less distraction?” Buck asks, not waiting for her to answer. “He was constantly having people stop in his office needing to sign off on things or asking for his help. And-and I think that’s what’s missing, Maddie. We need more distraction.”

The line is silent for a minute. “Ev, I’m not following.”

“I called and talked to the staff today. I asked them what they liked most about working here.”

“What does that have to do with—”

“Just hear me out,” Buck interrupts, looking down at the answers he noted earlier. “These are their answers: a few said it pays well, uh let’s see… and I quote ‘I’m really good at spreadsheets’, _I don’t know_ , numbers are never wrong, we’re like a family, oh yeah, and another I don’t know.”

“What were you expecting or _wanting_ them to say?” 

“Well we had one that said we’re like a family, and I’ll take that as a win. But every single other answer? Total bullshit, because I’ve failed them.”

“I’m… so lost right now. You have people saying you pay them really well, people saying that they’re in a job that suits their skills. As an employer, that’s what you want.”

Buck huffs out a breath at Maddie’s words. “No, it’s not. But I have a plan to fix it.”

“I have a feeling I am really, really going to hate whatever it is that you say next.”

“We aren’t going to rent out office space. We’re going to have the offices _here_ where they should have been all along.”

Maddie isn’t excited about his idea and if he’s being honest, he didn’t expect her to be. She’s supportive of it and while she understands what he’s trying to accomplish— to make his office staff as connected to the company’s mission statement as those working directly with the kids—she’s worried about how it will affect their bottom line. 

He assures her that this is going to be good for their bottom line and profitability in the long-run. She just has to give it a chance.

* * *

Luckily when the center was built, there was some office space that he had put in for the off chance when he, or anyone else, would need to work from there. There’s one large, open office area and he’s ordered the new cubicles, desks and everything that they’ll need to make it functional for the entire team. 

When the office staff is asked to report to the center on Monday and they walk in to discover the area in disarray, each of them has a look of utter confusion on their faces.

“You did tell us to report here for work today, right?” Sheila asks confused, fiddling with the laptop bag slung over her shoulder.

“Yep, you’ve come to the right place.” The only furniture currently in the room is a large round table with eight chairs, and he asks them each to take a seat.

“This feels very King Arthur-like,” Josh comments as he slides into his chair, reaching to the middle of the table and grabbing a donut from the open box.

“There aren’t quite twelve of us, but that’s kind of what I was going for,” Buck says with a nod. “I took the liberty of printing this week’s schedule out for each of you. Take a look at it and get familiar with the specific offerings that we have.”

Kendra looks at the schedule that Buck has handed out. “But what does this have to do with us?” she asks carefully. “I thought you said we’d be working from here today.”

“We are going to be working today—just a little differently than usual,” Buck explains. He watches as his team begins to pull out their laptops. “Keep the laptops closed for now. As you all know, I called each of you earlier this week and asked you all the same question. ‘What do you like most about working here?’”

“Are we here because we gave the wrong answer?” Sam asks flatly before he takes a few sips from his coffee.

“No, this isn’t about a wrong answer. It’s about finding the right one,” Buck says, drumming his fingers against the table. “And it’s not going to be easy, but we’re going to be taking some time away from your normal workday and what you usually contribute to the company. For a couple of hours each day this week and we’re all going to contribute in a different way.”

“If we’re going to be contributing in a different way then who is going to be doing our actual jobs?” Kendra asks.

Buck smiles at her. “ I’ll be taking on some of the workload, and I’ve hired someone to help us out with our grants in the meantime. In front of you are the schedules for activities this week. You’ll notice that I have each of you scheduled for two activities today and each activity lasts for an hour. I want all of you to think about something that you can contribute and share with the kids here, something that you think is important or that you’re passionate about. Maybe you have a really great skill that we don’t know about and you can share that.”

“I know that you’re a little young for it, but are you sure this isn’t a mid-life crisis?” 

Buck rolls his eyes and laughs at Sam’s question. “Not a mid-life crisis… just a great reminder of why I came out to L.A. to begin with, why I wanted to open this branch.”

So the day is spent alternating between community rooms, Buck included. He wants them to feel what Buck feels in those important moments that he shares with Jayden each and every week. He knows that he can’t find the meaning for them but he can guide them in that direction. 

_Because what we do matters._

* * *

“Why do we even have to take math?” Jayden mutters, dropping his eyes as he dribbles the ball. “It’s not like I’ll ever use it.”

“Jay,” Buck says, watching as Jayden easily makes a layup before dribbling the ball. “It’s important. You’ll use it more than you think.” 

Jayden rolls his eyes, letting the ball bounce to a stop. He walks to the edge of the court and grabs his bag. “Hour’s up.”

“Hang on.”

Jayden stops, bag in his hand as he shifts under Buck’s gaze. “What?” 

“Let’s get changed, and we can tackle your math problems together?” Jayden’s always been so hesitant under Buck’s attention because it’s unfamiliar to him. He barely spoke to Buck for the first month that they played basketball together, but the consistency was paying off and little by little he’d begun letting Buck in— albeit with a healthy dose of attitude.

Jayden’s face hints at hopefulness for the briefest moment before he shakes his head. “Nah, you have a company to run.”

“I have time for you,” Buck promises. 

After a bit more coercing, Buck leads Jayden towards the room that’s commonly used for aftercare programs, glancing down at his watch. Buck takes a detour, Jayden following Buck into the office area. “The room—”

“Oh, we’re not doing your math homework in there today,” Buck tells him with an easy smile. “Besides, I’m starving and can’t really focus on an empty stomach.” Jayden’s quiet as Buck finally stops at a row of cubicles, grabbing an extra chair and dragging it up to the edge of his desk. “Make yourself comfortable.”

Buck disappears, stopping at the fridge to grab his lunchbox before returning to the desk and smiles when he sees Jayden spinning around in the office chair _like a child_. Buck knows that he probably shouldn’t feel so awed by that— by an eleven-year-old boy acting like a child— and he wonders how many carefree moments that can only be found during one’s childhood that Jayden’s ever really experienced. He watches Jayden spin for another few moments and observes the way that he looks younger than he usually does, his dark eyes brighter with a smile on his lips.

“I thought you’d have an office,” is all he says when Jayden finally speaks.

“I did,” Buck tells him with a rueful smile, “before the fire. But…” he trails off slowly, drumming his fingers against the edge of the desk. “I missed being here, at the center. I’d rather work without an office if it means that I can just walk down a few hallways to play basketball with you or to sit in on activities with the other kids.”

“Well, I’d want an office,” Jayden mumbles, looking down and grabbing the folder out of his bookbag. With the quick way that he averts his gaze, Buck recognizes that the shift is intentional. 

He unzips his lunchbox and pulls out a few Ziplock baggies. “Here,” Buck urges, sliding one of the sandwich bags in front of him. “Have something to eat. I always work better on a full stomach.”

Jayden sets down the folder, and evaluates the bag, carefully removing the sandwich as he turns it over in his hand, inspecting it. “What,” his nose scrunches up as he makes a move to lift up the piece of bread and further examine the contents, “is this?”

“Uh, only the best sandwich ever created,” Buck says in mock offense. “It’s a fluffernutter sandwich.”

“A… _what_?” Jayden looks at Buck in what appears to be disgust, his focus shifting back to the sandwich as he tries to pull the two slices of bread apart, the brown of the peanut butter and white of the fluff making it difficult to separate.

“Fluffernutter,” Buck repeats with a laugh, taking a big bite from his sandwich. “Stop playing with it and actually try it.” Jayden seems to hesitate but lets go of the top slice of bread, taking a tentative bite while he looks at Buck. The boy’s eyes widen slightly and Buck grins at his reaction. “Not bad, right?” 

Jayden glances away from Buck’s gaze before he shrugs. “‘s okay,” he mutters around a mouthful of food. 

“I almost forgot the best part,” Buck says, “fruit snacks.” He fishes the pouches out from the side of the bag. “Maddie used to pack these for me all the time, so sometimes I’ll pack myself a lunch exactly the way that she used to for me.”

Buck watches as Jayden greedily snatches up the offered packet and tears it open. “Strawberry,” he whispers quietly, an unreadable expression on his face. “Hannah used to pick out all the strawberries for me.”

Buck forces himself to school his expression and not react to the shared information. Jayden never talks about memories with Buck. He only talks about the foster care situation because he has to, only ever sharing the bare minimum with him. “Who’s Hannah?” Buck asks, setting his sandwich down and brushing the crumbs off of his hands.

It’s as if those words burst through whatever bubble Jayden’s been floating around in, this place where he’s let his defenses down, just a little. He clears his throat and mumbles “nobody” before shoving several strawberry fruit snacks into his mouth. Buck’s sure that he’s done so for the sole purpose of not having to talk.

Buck’s seen a glimpse of Jayden, beneath the hard exterior of anger and disappointment— of having to grow up too fast.

He wants to get to know Jayden. Not just the Jayden that he’s been working with for months now at the center, but the real Jayden; the one that has fears and memories to share, the one that _smiles_.

Buck knows he’s hiding in there, behind that usually stoic demeanor and he’s determined to draw him out, little by little. He’ll show him that even if he doesn’t believe it now, there _are_ people out there that care about him. 

* * *

“You know for someone who’s supposed to be in the prime of his life right now, you sure as hell live like a 58-year-old recluse.” Buck glances up from his laptop that’s perched on the dining room table to look at Josh. He told his team that he had a plan for making time for them to be more actively involved in the hands-on part of the business. He promised Maddie that this wouldn’t negatively affect their bottom line, so he’s doing his part to ensure that promise isn’t broken. 

“You’re such a dick.”

“You’re not staying home in your pajamas and working tonight.” Josh says flatly. “Come on. Go take a shower and let’s go.”

Buck levels Josh with a glare. “Josh—”

“I don’t see you moving.” 

“Who invited you over tonight, anyway?” Buck groans before finally closing his laptop. After a few years of friendship with Josh, Buck has learned it’s best not to argue with him when he has his mind set on something, so he stands up wordlessly and goes to take a shower. A short while later they leave Buck’s apartment, heading downtown to check out a new bar that Josh has been wanting to try for weeks now.

Despite the fact that Buck didn’t want to leave his apartment tonight because of the work that he has to get done, he can’t say that he ever dislikes going out with Josh. Before he knows it. they’re a few beers in and Buck can’t remember why he protested to begin with.

“So, I have a date on Friday night,” Josh says, “he has a cute best friend. We could double date.”

Buck groans. “That sounds terrible. I am perfectly capable of getting a date without your help.”

Josh’s eyebrow raises in clear disbelief. “Are you sure about that? If you can’t get yourself a date by next Friday night, I am fixing you up. Because _this_ is just tragic.” Buck takes a few long swallows from his beer before he sets it down and squints at Josh.

“Not having a problem with being single is not a tragedy… but since we’re on the topic of our love lives right now. How many first dates have you been on in the last two months?”

Josh glares at Buck. “At least I’m putting myself out there.”

Buck rolls his eyes and lets out an annoyed huff. “Fine, if I don’t go out on a date by next Friday night, I’ll let you fix me up with someone. God help me.”

Josh grins, “You do know to find yourself a date you have to actually _put yourself out there_.”

“Fuck off, Russo.” There’s no malice in Buck’s words and his lips curl up into a smile. Buck’s been throwing himself so completely into his work that he sometimes forgets that there’s life beyond work and helping other people. 

Not that he’ll ever admit that to Josh.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the lovely comments! Big thanks to Nicole as always, for helping me see this through a more clear scope and making it better.
> 
> FINALLY our boys meet again. Enjoy!

Over the past few months Christopher has become more interested in watching Youtube videos of other kids playing with toys than actually watching anything on television. It quickly expanded into watching challenges posted on their channels, and then how-to videos to create your own slime. 

Eddie vows to very carefully plot the demise of whatever evil person created slime and the Youtubers that have shown his son how to create a glue-based monstrosity, with the direct result of Eddie having to spend hours trying to clean up the sticky work of the devil.

Trying to clean gobs of glue from the sink.

Residue on his dining room table.

Crusty residue on the floor.

Somehow in the morning before his shift, he’s still finding bits of hardened slime on every surface. He swears  _ never _ again. He’s leaving very strict instructions with Carla that slime is a no-go.

Eddie meets Chim and Bobby at the station early and they’re already dressed in their uniforms by the time that Eddie arrives. He quickly gets changed while they wait for him. Bobby pulled both Chim and Eddie aside earlier in the week asking if they’d be willing to help with a Fire Safety event. Bobby has a tendency to rotate these events throughout the firehouse to give everyone an opportunity to connect with the community. Since they’re not actually on call today, Bobby says they’ll take one of the fire rigs down so the kids can get a good look at the truck.

It’s a little after ten when they park the fire rig and a woman greets them as soon as they step inside the building. Eddie’s heard of this place before but honestly had no idea that it was so big or offered so many services. They check in and the woman at the front desk says, “Mr. Russo is expecting you. Let me take you to him now.” 

She asks her coworker to handle the desk and leads the three firefighters down a few hallways before they stop in front of a room.

Eddie and Chim each carry a bag and they follow Bobby into the room, setting the bags that are bursting with coloring books, plastic fire hats, and other various goodies for the kids onto the long table. 

“Thank you so much for coming, I’m Josh,” he says, extending his hand to Bobby. There’s something familiar about Josh and Eddie tries to carefully catalog his brain to remember where he could possibly know him from. Eddie glances over and sees a mischievous grin that crosses Chim’s face as he looks at Josh. Eddie immediately narrows his eyes.

“I’m Chim,” Chimney shakes his hand, “but we met a couple weeks back, the fire at the high-rise, right?”

“Yeah,” Josh nods with a conspiratory grin that does little to quell Eddie’s suspicions. “Buck is rounding up the kids, but he should be here any minute.” 

The combination of Buck’s name and the mention of the fire at the high-rise act as an explanation for why Josh seemed so familiar to Eddie. What are the chances that they just so happened to be doing a fire safety event with two of their rescues from only a couple of weeks ago? He eyes Chimney suspiciously, especially after all of the teasing Eddie was the brunt of after the rescue. According to Chim, the two men had been talking about the hot firefighter at the rescue. Eddie can feel warmth color his cheeks at the memory. 

Eddie is used to running into burning buildings and attempting risky rescues, it’s what he does for a living. He’s lived his life by always coloring inside of the lines and following the path that his father expected—no, demanded—of him. He joined the army because of his dad, he married Shannon because she was pregnant and that was what he was supposed to do. In his entire life, there were only two things that Eddie ever did that weren’t an expectation. The first was running back into a warzone when he was terrified to parent Christopher. Thinking of those days and his clouded decision makes Eddie wish he could turn back time and have a do-over. The second was leaving El Paso.

There was something about this office worker going rogue and taking matters into his own hands and coloring everywhere but inside the lines that piqued his interest. 

Eddie helps lay out the coloring books and crayons as Chim lays out the flimsy plastic hats on the table. Eddie hears the door open and the excited chatter of children quickly fills the room. The kids look to range in age from probably five to eleven and if Eddie’s being honest, his attention isn’t really on the kids for those first moments anyway. His attention is on Buck, who he’s seeing for the first time since the fire. He looks even better than the first time they met, but this time he’s not covered from head to foot in soot. Eddie has to remind himself to look away so he’s not caught staring. 

When Buck closes the door behind the kids, he helps them get settled and only then does he look up and really process his surroundings. Buck opens his mouth to say something, but then he promptly closes it. He looks at Eddie in shock before he walks over to Josh and says something quietly that Eddie’s unable to make out.

“Alright, kids,” Josh smiles. “We’re going to get started. As you guys know there was a fire a couple weeks ago at the offices where myself and Mr. Buck work. It was pretty scary, but the very brave firefighters here helped us all make it out safely. So they’re going to talk to us today about how we can prevent fires, and what you can do if there’s ever a fire. The floor is yours, gentleman.”

Eddie and Chimney talk about the basics of fire prevention, reminding the kids to avoid touching matches and lighters, and how to stop, drop, and roll. They make a big show of practicing and the kids giggle loudly as they bump into each other on the floor. Eddie doesn’t miss the way that Buck gets right down on the floor with them, laughing easily as he purposely bumps into them eliciting another round of giggles. 

“I guess I’d better practice at home, just in case Mya. What do you think?” The little girl grins widely at Buck and bobs her head, until they finally get up off of the floor.

Bobby announces that they brought the fire rig for the kids to check out if they want, and the kids cheer loudly before the adults lead the group of twelve children towards the exit. When they step outside, Chimney claps Eddie lightly on the shoulder. “Cap and I’ve got this,” he says and winks suggestively at Eddie.

Eddie rolls his eyes as he stands outside the fire rig. Josh has the kids form a semi-organized line and Bobby helps the kids as they start taking turns inside of the truck. “Hey,” Buck says as he stands next to Eddie beside the fire rig, watching over the kids.

“Hey,” Eddie replies awkwardly before he chuckles and adds, “kind of nice to not have to drag you out of a burning building and reprimand you this time.” 

Buck shrugs in answer, “Kind of nice not to have to do your job for you this time.”

“Ouch.” They both laugh quietly, their attention on the kids from the center that are clearly being entertained by the very boisterous duo of Chim and Josh. The two of them together is like mixing two chemicals and waiting to see what kind of reaction occurs. In this case, the result is loud and chaotic. 

Eddie’s quiet for a moment before he motions to the bandage on Buck’s arm. “How’s it looking?”

“The doctor says I just might live,” Buck grins. “The kids had a really great time today. Thank you for doing this.”

Eddie’s unfazed by the thanks. He’s just doing his job and getting to do it here at the center with these kids from their community has actually been a really nice change. “A lot of times events like these are pretty boring. The kids here seemed to really enjoy it.”

A serious expression crosses Buck’s face as he looks away from the kids and at Eddie. “A lot of the kids here don’t have a lot of support at home, y’know? So when real life heroes show up, they’re absolutely going to be in complete awe. I’m sure it’s going to be all that they talk about for the rest of the week.” 

There’s something about Buck and the connection that he has with the kids here that seems so genuine. Caring about your own kids and having this kind of love and caring for them is one thing. But having that love, care, and understanding for someone else’s children feels entirely different. More significant, somehow.

Eddie doesn’t want to linger on his thoughts of Buck with kids for too long, so he figures that changing the subject is for the best.

“You think I’m a hero?” There’s a hint of teasing in Eddie’s tone, and he finds it hard to wipe the smile from his face as he talks to Buck. 

Eddie feels lighter in Buck’s presence, like Buck is someone that he can relate to for the first time in a long time. His love for the kids here shines brightly and having Christopher, Eddie can relate to that. It’s as if Buck’s brightness is somehow able to cast away the dark clouds that have been looming over Eddie for quite some time.

“Well, to be fair, I think most firefighters are heroes, not specifically you.” There’s that smile again. He wants more of it, more than he should probably want for barely knowing him.

“Are you on a personal crusade against my ego today?”

“Maybe,” Buck teases, “I’m just trying to see if you can handle it.”

“Oh, I can handle it.” Eddie assures him as he crosses his arms over his chest, leaning back against the rig. He watches as the last of the kids finally get their turn going inside the truck.

“Maybe we could meet for a drink sometime, so I can properly thank you for doing this today.”

“Are you trying to pick me up while you’re at  _ work _ ?” 

Buck laughs, “I promise I’m not. Just extending an invitation for a friendly drink. We can invite the guys.” He nods in the direction of Bobby, Chimney and Josh.

“Yeah, alright.” Eddie agrees, as though the reason that he’s agreeing is that the other guys would be tagging along. There are things about Buck that intrigue him already, and he’s looking forward to getting to talk to him somewhere with a little less distractions.

* * *

“Wait, wait. So let me get this straight,” Chim smirks over at Eddie. “You want me and Bobby to tag along while you meet up with this guy that you’ve been having heart eyes over?”

Eddie groans loudly as he drags a hand down over his face. “I didn’t say that I  _ wanted _ you to tag along.”

“But he’s not denying that he has heart eyes over the guy.” Hen smiles knowingly. “I can’t believe you’re going along with this Bobby.” 

“When is the last time that Eddie asked any of us for a favor?” Bobby asks pointedly as he glances from Hen to Chimney. “I seem to recall quite a few times that Eddie dropped everything to help each one of us out. I think the least that we can do is meet Eddie and Buck for a drink.”

“Not to be a broken record over here, but I never said that I  _ wanted _ you guys to come.” Eddie looks down miserably at the pan that’s sizzling on the stove. “Come on Cap, do you want me to burn the place down? Can’t Chim or Hen do this? I’ll go clean the rig.”

Bobby chuckles while shaking his head. “Why do you hate cooking so much?”

Chim cocks an eyebrow at that. “Maybe for the same reason that we hate when you make him cook?”

“It’s nothing.” Eddie says dismissively despite the fact that the words are sitting on the tip of his tongue. 

“Eddie.” Bobby says, placing a gentle hand on Eddie’s shoulder. He steps beside him at the stove and tends to the stir fry that’s sizzling angrily on the burner in front of them. “Are you alright?”

“I… yeah, I’m fine, Cap.” 

The truth of the matter was in the Diaz household, the women did the cooking for the family. When he was a kid, there were a few times that he tried stepping into the kitchen with his mom, abuela, and sisters but his dad had effectively kicked him out every single time. He found some ‘ _ man’s work’ _ for him to do and told him to leave the cooking and cleaning to the women. Eddie would help his dad repair the car or odd work to fix things up around the house. Little did his dad know that Eddie’s future would include essentially raising Christopher on his own without Shannon only a few years into Christopher’s life. He thinks how those skills that he’d essentially been barred from learning when he was only Christopher’s age would have helped him tremendously now.

It had been years since Christopher had really spent any time with Shannon. Eddie wishes that he could change that for Christopher. The older that he gets, the more that Christopher realizes most other kids have their moms. Although Eddie tries to make things better for him and tries to make up for the things that he doesn’t have with special moments together, he also recognizes that it’s one thing that he can’t fix no matter what he does. 

“I’m starting to think the smoke wasn’t only coming from the stir fry.” Bobby says carefully. Looking over at Bobby, Eddie realizes that Hen and Chim aren’t upstairs in the loft any longer. “You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind.”

“Bobby—”

“The one-eighteen is family, Eddie. I’m not telling you that you have to talk about whatever is going on, but it can’t hurt to share the burden a little. Take a little bit of the stress away.”

Eddie sighs as he drops down at the table, raking his fingers through his hair. “Christopher’s just been having a hard couple of weeks.” Bobby puts the lid on the stir fry and removes it from the hot burner before joining Eddie at the table and waiting for him to continue. “Carla had to pick him up from school for hitting another boy,” Eddie glances up at Bobby briefly before he continues. “Turns out the other kid said something hurtful to Christopher about Shannon, basically told him that his mom probably wishes he was never born and that’s why she isn’t around. Chris had a big meltdown about being different from everyone else because his mom isn’t in the picture, because he has CP. It just sucks not being able to fix any of this for him. Our job as parents is to make life better for our kids and I just feel helpless. I don’t know— I just want to be able to fix this for him.”

“There are some things that are outside of our control, Eddie. In those cases, all you can do is be there for him and let him know that he’s not alone in it. That he has you.” Bobby pauses and then adds, “and for  _ you _ to remember that  _ you’re _ not in this alone, either.”

“I know that, Cap, I do.” Eddie nods, looking at Bobby gratefully. His entire life into adulthood, he’d been taught to stuff his emotions down and to just suck it up and deal with it. That meant he never really processed what any of those emotions meant. Bobby was teaching him not to be like that the longer that he was with the one-eighteen. It’s been over a year now and Eddie struggles to remember how he got by before that. Between that and going to therapy, Eddie wants to ensure that history doesn't repeat itself with this generation of Diaz men. He wants more for Christopher than that.

“So, speaking about not being alone, what about this Buck?”

Eddie laughs as he looks over at Bobby and his terrible attempt at a seamless segue. “I was wondering how you were going to try to lead into that.” Eddie scratches the back of his head. “It’s nothing really, he just wanted to thank me—thank  _ us _ —for coming by and doing the fire safety program.

Bobby’s brow raises, trying to mask a tight-lipped smile. “Is that what you think happened out there? Let me ask you this, when is the last time that you went on a date?”

“Is that the alarm that just went off?” he jokes, a big part of him wishing for a change in the subject. If it were anyone but Bobby, he’d probably try to avoid the conversation all together. “Truthfully, I went on a couple of dates about a year after Shannon and I split up. I don’t know though, it just wasn’t for me. I’ve got plenty to keep me busy at home anyways.”

“It’s not about being busy, Eddie. If you think there might be something there… maybe it’s time to put yourself back out there?”

___________________________________ 

Eddie takes Bobby’s advice. He ends up reaching out to Buck and they’re all meeting up tonight for a few drinks at a bar downtown. At least it’s not a date, so that takes some of the pressure off. That doesn’t help the anxious knot that’s settled deep in Eddie’s gut though. It reminds him that there’s a big part of him that wants this to be a date. There’s an attraction to Buck, a desire to get to know him. It’s almost unfamiliar, a feeling that he hasn’t had since Shannon nearly a decade ago. 

Eddie’s not sure what to do with that. 

Christopher is spending the night with his abuela tonight so that Eddie’s able to go out. Moments like this remind Eddie that although he’s a single dad, he’s not  _ really _ in this alone. He remembers his conversation with Bobby at the firehouse and smiles. He’s not alone in parenthood or in life—he has good people around him that are always willing to lend a hand. His abuela who’s his actual blood and would lay down her life for him or Christopher; Carla who’s supposed to be there to help with Christopher, who helps keep his sanity intact, and his family at the one-eighteen, which to him has truly been the best unintended consequence of joining the firehouse. 

He looks at himself in the mirror one last time before he slips his wallet into his back pocket. There’s an excitement that’s buzzing just below the surface of his skin, reminding Eddie of just how long it’s really been since he wanted to get to know someone new. Eddie feels self-doubt begin to creep in and he pulls out his cell phone, considering a call to Bobby to set his nerves at rest. 

When he pulls out his phone the first thing that he sees is a text and he breathes out in a rush, a smile tugging at his lips.

_ see you there firefighter diaz [fire hydrant emoji] _

**Buck・ 6:37 pm**

Eddie hovers over his phone for a brief moment and then he types a quick response. The nervous energy is still there, but he allows the excitement of meeting for drinks with his friends and Buck overpower all of the ’what ifs’ that have been flying through his mind at peak velocity. 

_ looking forward to it _

**6:40 pm**

Eddie hits send, grabs his keys, and is out the door before he can second guess himself again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have finally reached the part of this story that we earn the E rating. This was the first piece of smut that I ever wrote, although it's not the first that I posted, so proceed with caution xD
> 
> Thank you to [marciaelena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marciaelena) for helping with the beta on that portion of the chapter, I appreciate it so much. 
> 
> And to Sarah and Katie for reading through this earlier on, I probably would have trashed this chapter long ago without you!

Buck looks at himself in the mirror again. His full lips shift to one side as he evaluates himself. “Yeah, I don’t know.”

Josh crosses his arms from where he stands beside him, looking at their reflection in the mirror. Buck has on a pair of perfectly fitted jeans, and a button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He thought that a t-shirt would’ve been too dressed down. Really though, Buck is so out of practice, he has no idea what’s too dressed down when meeting for drinks. 

“You look great,” Josh reassures him.

“I feel like I should change.” Buck runs his fingers through his hair before moving the pad of his thumb over his birthmark.

“Buck,” Josh says dryly with slightly raised brows. “We’re in the bathroom at the bar. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a change of clothes for you here.”

Buck groans in defeat before they make their way back out to the bar and order their drinks. They’re the first ones to arrive, Buck and Josh planning to get there an hour before everyone else to get a drink or two in and catch up. Buck hopes that the drinks will help him loosen up a bit more and worry a little less before Eddie shows up.

“So,” Buck leads in as they stand beside the bar and wait for the bartender to bring over their beers, “this fulfills the date parameters, right?”

Josh laughs out loud at that. “Is that a _joke_ , Evan Buckley?”

Buck narrows his eyes as he drops a twenty on the bartop and thanks the bartender. Josh and Buck find a hightop table and sit down with their beers. “That wasn’t a joke, I’m meeting a guy for a drink. I think to most people that would qualify as a date.”

“Mmmm,” Josh hums as he purses his lips. “Do you usually ask your best friend and a few random firefighters to tag along on your dates?”

“Wait, weren’t you trying to set us up on a double date like four nights ago?” Buck asks in mock outrage. 

Josh squints at Buck. “That’s not the same as this, Buck. On a double date we would both be going on a date with someone else that we’re _interested in_. Tonight it’s you, the hot firefighter, and a bunch of tag-alongs.”

Buck sighs as he looks down at his phone. “It shouldn’t be this much work, should it?” He pauses as his thumb thrums against the table anxiously. “If it’s worth it, shouldn’t it just come easily?”

A guffaw slips past Josh’s lips at Buck’s words. “Oh, sweetheart, you’ve been out of the dating game for far too long if you think that _any_ of this is easy. Besides, I did half of the leg work for you.”

The movement in Buck’s hand stills and he glances up at Josh. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

Josh grins, “You know what? Let’s not worry about that tonight.”

“We have time,” Buck reminds him before narrowing his eyes at Josh.

“You should have gotten Eddie’s number when he pulled us out of the fire. He’s the first guy that you’ve shown remote interest in since we were together.” Josh pauses thoughtfully before adding, “and since you obviously weren’t going to take the first step…”

“Tell me you did not use my initiative at the center as some sort of ploy to get me a date.”

Josh shrugs, “I wouldn’t say it was a ploy to get you a date. But if you never saw him again, you definitely wouldn’t have invited him out for a drink.” 

Maybe Josh is right. Buck wouldn’t have seen Eddie again if it hadn’t been for the initiative at The Limitless Project and their chances of meeting again organically were slim. Not that he’ll admit it to Josh because he’ll never hear the end of it.

A few minutes later the members of the firehouse start to trickle in. First, Chimney and Hen, and shortly thereafter Bobby followed by Eddie. Buck doesn’t really have anything to be nervous about, he meets people for drinks all the time for work. So why do his hands feel clammy as he takes in the sight of Eddie who’s wearing a gray henley that clings to his upper body in all the right places? 

They say awkward hellos until they order their drinks, joining Josh and Buck at the high top table. 

“I was telling Buck that the LAFD is recruiting,” Eddie says as he glances in Chim’s direction. “Since he’s already successfully rescued people from a burning building I figure he’d probably be a shoe-in.”

Chim nods his head in agreement before he grins. “We _are_ hiring and you’d be a _perfect_ fit.”

“I appreciate the thought, really I do.” Buck laughs softly as he dips his head down. “I really love the center though. It’s my life.” When Buck looks up, he notices that Eddie is watching him intently. He doesn’t look away immediately, choosing instead to hold Eddie’s gaze.

“You seem pretty passionate about what you do. The kids really seem to love you. I-I mean both of you,” Eddie corrects.

There’s a smirk on Josh’s face, but he doesn’t say anything as he and Chim exchange a glance.

Buck ignores the look on Josh’s face and instead continues talking to Eddie about one of his favorite topics: the center. “We’ve both been working there from the start, so we’ve been able to witness it grow from this seedling of an idea into what it is now. When you see that you’re making a difference work just kind of rings differently, y’know? You guys are firefighters, you get that, right?” If Eddie notices the way that the rest of the group slips away into their own conversations, he doesn’t point it out. Instead, Eddie leans in to listen more intently before taking a swallow from his beer.

“Yeah, I get it. I went from being a medic in the Army to working at the firehouse. Work’s a lot different when you feel like what you do matters. That you have the ability to influence someone’s day.”

The corner of Buck’s lift twitches slightly. “It’s the greatest feeling, knowing that something that you’ve done has impacted someone else, changed their life in some way.” Buck finishes off his beer. “Are you ready for another round, or-” he stops for a moment when he sees Josh and Chim doing a shot further down the bar. 

“You wanna do a shot?” Eddie questions, his brow raising a little as he notices where Buck’s gaze stops.

Buck shrugs before a breathy laugh slips past his lips. “It’s probably a terrible idea.”

Eddie leans forward and calls the bartender over, ordering two shots of Jameson. His gaze settles on Buck then. “Most great nights start with a terrible idea.” Buck feels his brain stutter to a stop at Eddie’s words. He’s silent for a moment as his brain tries to catch back up. Eddie slides one of the shots in front of Buck. “To terrible ideas?”

Their shot glasses clink together, the sound drowned out by the noise in the bar surrounding them. “To memorable nights.” Buck’s tongue darts out and wets his bottom lip, his bright blue eyes settling on Eddie’s dark ones. Eddie smiles at him and Buck can’t stop himself from thinking how unfair it is that he’s so fucking gorgeous. He pushes the thought aside as the amber liquid slides down his throat, the warmth burning a path down to the tightening knot in the pit of his stomach. They slide their empty shot glasses onto the bartop, in front of the bartender. 

Buck’s brow pinches together when he sees another pair of filled shot glasses in front of them and looks at the bartender, confused. “These are on the gentleman in the blue shirt at the end of the bar.” His eyes slide to the end of the bar, a mischievous smile on the familiar face there. He’s going to kick Josh’s ass in the morning.

“And really terrible ideas,” Eddie chuckles and Buck swears he can feel the vibrations from Eddie’s chuckle settle deep in his stomach. He ignores the feeling and grabs the second shot glass as Eddie does the same, quickly throwing back the second round of shots. 

Eddie and Buck continue to talk and laugh and it isn’t lost on Buck how easily their conversation flows. It could be their third shot of Jameson that’s making the conversation so easy but he’s not sure at this point. He does know that he really likes Eddie’s company, really likes _Eddie_. He watches as his hair falls forward into his eyes and Buck resists the urge to reach out and push it away so as not to obstruct his view.

“You guys alright?” Bobby asks as he sets a hand on Eddie’s shoulder, the other one on Buck’s. It’s then that Buck notices everyone else has their jackets on already and looks like they’re getting ready to leave. If he’s being honest, everyone else including their friends faded away a few shots ago. His focus has been a fixed point, on Eddie alone. Eddie assures Bobby that they’re fine and that they’ll both call an Uber. They all say their goodbyes and their friends leave the pair alone in their stools at the end of the bar.

Craning his neck, Eddie looks around the bar like he’s searching for something. “Darts?” he asks when he finds an open dart board.

Buck has played darts a grand total of one time in his life and he was terrible. It’s a stupid, pointless game. “Sure, I love darts,” he says.

“Alright, the loser buys the next round.” Eddie says as he gets the dart board set up. When Buck completely misses the dart board twice in a row, Eddie’s kind enough to only chuckle.

“Guess we know who that’s gonna be,” Buck grumbles, positioning his frame rigidly behind the line marked on the floor.

“You need to relax a little,” Eddie instructs as he walks up behind Buck. Eddie rests his hands on top of Buck’s tense shoulders and the only thing that Buck can focus on is the heat radiating through his body, beneath the fabric of his shirt where Eddie’s fingers rest. His hands drop lower to Buck’s waist as he leans into him. “This next time, lean into it a little.” Buck’s breath drains out of him at the press of Eddie’s solid frame behind him. 

“Are you trying to say I’m tense?” Buck manages, trying to sound offended.

“I’m saying you need to be more pliable.” He wishes that he could see Eddie’s face right now, but he’s thankful for the small grace that Eddie can’t see his own expression. A strong hand grips over Buck’s clenched one. “Stop making a fist,” Eddie coaches him as his fingers move over Buck’s, urging him to release the tense grip on the dart. 

If Eddie continues to press into Buck and breathe against his neck like this, things are going to get very embarrassing for Buck.

Buck realizes maybe he doesn’t hate darts, at least not if he’s playing darts with Eddie.

“Alright, we’re gonna try this one together.” Buck thinks he must no longer be breathing as Eddie guides him, his own movements are more fluid with Eddie’s guidance. As they move forward and release the dart, a barely audible groan escapes Buck’s lips as he feels the shape of Eddie’s hard-on pressing through his jeans. “You alright?”

Buck resists the urge to resituate himself in the middle of the bar and instead says, “it stayed on the board this time.” 

“It did,” Eddie agrees as he releases Buck. “But I still kicked your ass, and you still owe me a shot.” 

“Usually I suck at taking direction.” Buck observes as he moves towards the bar.

“I think we established that at the fire. We can work on that.” Eddie’s voice sounds raspier than before, less steady. He settles beside Buck and the smirk on the other man’s lips makes Buck wonder if he imagined the shake in Eddie’s tone only moments before.

Buck focuses on the darkness that flashes in Eddie’s eyes and thinks he’s going to choke on his tongue as he tries to swallow. Buck runs his own company, he gives people orders daily and yet something happens to him at the thought of taking orders from Eddie. Buck doesn’t say anything right away, but turns to Eddie extending the offered drink then, “I think we could have made the wager a little more interesting.”

“Oh?”

“Played for something else.” Buck says as he his heart thunders in his chest. Eddie takes the offered shot and they both down them quickly. “We could play again.”

Eddie’s so close that Buck can feel Eddie’s breath against the side of his face. “For what?” 

Swallowing thickly, Buck’s fingers brush against Eddie’s hand, taking the now empty shot glass from him and setting it on the bar. “I’m sure we could figure something out.”

Buck isn’t sure what he’s going to suggest if he’s being completely honest. He just knows that being this close to Eddie is fogging his brain and he can’t think straight. “How about we play for—” 

“What if it’s a surprise?” Eddie asks, searching Buck’s face. 

“A surprise?” Buck’s words are strangled, his eyes finding Eddie’s and he notes the barely discernible nod of his head in response. Eddie’s going to kick his ass in darts again, there’s no question about that. So what he’s really asking himself is if he’s willing to be surprised by what Eddie wants. “Uh, yeah-yeah that’s fine.”

They walk back to the dart board in the slowly emptying bar. Buck doesn’t have high hopes for the game and it’s a good thing he’s set the bar low because it’s clear from the first game that he’s going to lose. Thankfully all of his darts actually hit the board this round, but his accuracy hasn’t improved much beyond that. 

“This could be the game right here,” Eddie teases with a wink as he makes his way up to the line. Buck leans back against the wall with his arms crossed at his chest. Long lean legs stretch out and he admires Eddie as he makes the last shot to win. Game over.

“Looks like you’ve successfully kicked my ass,” Buck smiles, forcing himself to look as relaxed as possible, despite the anticipation that thunders in his chest. “Now the question is, what exactly do I owe you?”

Eddie moves closer to Buck, stepping into his space. With Buck angled back against the wall, the two inch height difference between them is nearly non-existent. He’s so close and Buck nearly sucks in his bottom lip at how little space there is between the two of them. “A kiss,” Eddie says, watching Buck for his reaction. Buck’s lips part slightly and he looks at Eddie’s lips as the bar around them seems to still.

“A kiss?” Buck says finally as an airy laugh passes through his barely parted lips.

“Yeah,” Eddie confirms as one hand moves to cradle Buck’s cheek, his body angling impossibly closer. “If you don’t want this…” he whispers, thumb brushing against Buck’s jawline.

The words are cut short as Buck mutters an almost breathless, “I do.” He reaches out a hand and rests it on Eddie’s hip to guide Eddie’s body forward. The first brush of Eddie’s lips against Buck’s is light and barely there, as if in exact opposition to the needy press of their touching bodies. Eddie’s lips taste like a mixture of whiskey and mint and Buck is lost in the taste of his lips as much as the feel of them.

Eddie’s fingers curl gently into the base of Buck’s skull to urge him closer as he deepens the kiss. The murmured groan dies against Buck’s lips and if there was any question as to whether Buck wanted this too, the hard press against Eddie’s hip is enough to dispel any doubt. 

Buck finally breaks the kiss, breathless as his head dips forward, his forehead leaning against Eddie’s as he tries to breathe more evenly. “That was…” he murmurs.

“That was,” Eddie confirms with an equally breathless chuckle, lifting his eyes to Buck’s. “I’m gonna call an Uber and get out of here.”

“Yeah, I need to get an Uber too.” Buck feels Eddie finally stand up, no longer pressing his solid body into Buck’s front and he nearly shivers at the loss of his heat. 

Buck has barely kissed anyone in the last couple of years, since he came to L.A. Sure, he’s had a random hookup here and there. Yet he’s certain that his body has never felt so alive from a kiss before. Even minutes after their kiss has ended and they’re wait for the Uber to arrive, Buck can almost certainly still feel the press brush of Eddie’s lips against his.

Maybe it’s the whiskey talking.

Or maybe he’s just _that_ attracted to Eddie, which at this point feels as though it should be an impossibility. Logically, Buck doesn’t know much about Eddie aside from him being a firefighter and being an L.A. transplant too. Is it normal to feel this connected to someone you barely know? Buck’s feelings are at war with his common sense as the Uber pulls up and they load into the back of the car.

Buck reaches out a hand, brave and daring as his thumb gently grazes Eddie’s knee. “You have to get home right away?” he asks, his voice gravelly. 

The corner of Eddie’s lip tugs up into a smile, as though he’s pleased with the question. “Can’t say that I do.”

The knot in Buck’s stomach tightens at Eddie’s words, the anticipation for what this night could be and all of the unknowns floating around in the backseat of the Uber with them. He has to remind himself to be still, to not bounce his knee with nervous energy. It’s almost as if Eddie can sense it, and he rests his hand on Buck’s. 

Buck knows that the contact should reassure him, but it only adds to the cluster of unexplained feelings that are pooling in his stomach. The surge of emotions has Buck feeling as if he’s going to vibrate out of his skin.

When the Uber pulls up to Buck’s building, Eddie piles out of the car behind him. He’s had a really good time tonight getting to know Eddie and the people that he surrounds himself with. They all seem genuinely _good_ and it’s given him a picture of who Eddie is, like a tiny photo that’s blurred around the edges. Buck wants to see the photo more completely and clearly. He wonders what it’ll take to get to that point. 

Trying not to overthink things, he unlocks the door and they head up to his loft. “Can I, uh, get you anything? A drink?” Buck offers after they step inside and toe off their shoes. Eddie glances around, taking in Buck’s space. After assuring Buck that he’s fine, there’s a palpable tension in the air.

Eddie stands behind Buck as he takes a few sips of water, hoping it’ll cool the heat that’s taken residence low in his gut. After he dumps the rest of the contents out, he sets the glass in the sink before turning around to face Eddie. Unfortunately that water has done little to help the heat that he feels spreading throughout his body. “I-I don’t normally do this,” he blurts out awkwardly.

Eddie smiles and steps closer to Buck, “Neither do I, but—”

“Fuck it,” Buck grumbles, grabbing a fistful of Eddie’s shirt and pulling his body closer, claiming his mouth in a rough kiss. The grunt that he feels against his lips in response urges him on. He darts his tongue out against the seam of Eddie’s lips, encouraging him to part his lips which the other man does without pause. Palming a handful of Buck’s ass through his jeans, Eddie presses their bodies together, causing Buck to groan as he feels Eddie’s hard-on against his own. 

Eddie pulls back from the kiss and breaks contact, and Buck nearly whines for how badly he wants to feel his lips again. “Shirt off,” Eddie instructs. Buck’s brow raises in surprise and he can’t help but wonder what’s in store for them as he tosses his shirt mindlessly on the floor. 

Stepping forward, he fingers at the hem of Eddie’s henley. “You too.” Quickly, they rid Eddie of his shirt, adding it to the growing heap on the floor. Buck swallows hard as he takes in the solid ripple of muscle, reaching his fingers out to trace along the curve of defined abs. He knew that Eddie was fit, that was obvious to anyone with eyes, but this was so much more than he was expecting, almost _too_ much.

A strangled sound fills the air around them, and Buck only realizes it’s coming from him when Eddie asks him, “Do you see something you like?” 

Buck wants to get lost in him, in the feel of soft skin against his own, but there’s a part of him that worries this is too much too soon. They barely know each other and Buck left behind casual one-night stands a long time ago. Yet there’s something behind the heat in Eddie’s eyes that makes Buck want whatever this is _, with him_. 

Closing the space between them, Eddie pins Buck against the counter and grinds into Buck, causing a filthy groan to slip past his lips. “I said, do you see something you like?” 

Eddie’s breath ghosts over Buck’s neck and he shudders underneath the sensation. “Yes,” Buck croaks. _God, yes._

Buck’s hands slide to the back of Eddie’s head, fingers sliding through his hair, and he’s lost in the feel of Eddie’s hips grinding into his. It makes Buck want to feel so much more with him.

Guiding Eddie’s lips to his own in a need to touch Eddie everywhere that’s exposed, Buck wholly gets lost in the other man. Dropping one hand from the back of Eddie’s head, Buck traces a hand down his torso until it rests low on his hip. Buck’s thumb draws an invisible line from his exposed hip and dips down against the skin that’s hidden beneath the barrier of Eddie’s jeans. 

Buck notices the way that Eddie stills at the touch and slips his hand to the front of his jeans. Popping open the button before he unzips the fly, Buck keeps the movement slow. “Buck,” Eddie groans as Buck shifts their bodies, turning them until their positions are reversed and Eddie is pinned against the counter. 

Buck bites back a groan as he studies Eddie, shirtless with his boxers peeking out in front of him. He wants to drag his lips down Eddie’s body, wants to taste the ripple of defined muscle that leads south. “Can I…” Buck trails off, glancing down at the bulge straining at the front of Eddie’s jeans.

“Whatever you want.” Eddie’s consent comes out in a rush and Buck’s thankful that Eddie seems as eager for this as he is. Buck revels in the expression of desire on Eddie’s face before he wordlessly drops to his knees in front of Eddie. Slipping the elastic band of Eddie’s boxers below his erection, Buck’s unable to bite back a groan when he sees its weeping head. He wraps a hand around Eddie’s cock, giving a slow and experimental tug. Eddie rewards him with an unintelligible moan, his fingers gripping the edge of the counter to brace himself. 

Eddie’s reaction causes Buck’s lips to curl up slightly into a cocky smile, and he grows more confident with his movements. If Eddie’s moans are anything to go by, he must be doing something right. Thumbing over the head, Buck finds a steady rhythm as Eddie’s hips cant forward to meet his lazy strokes with short and eager thrusts. Buck runs his other hand over Eddie’s sculpted abs, feeling the muscles tighten under his fingertips as Eddie reacts to his touch. “Buck.” Eddie’s plea is ragged and Buck savors the sound.

Sliding his hand down from Eddie’s stomach, Buck rests it against Eddie’s hip to stop the movement. When Buck looks up, he sees Eddie staring down at him, a beautiful flush coloring his cheeks. Buck holds Eddie’s gaze, not faltering as he strokes Eddie before he stills his hand at the base. 

Not finding any hesitation in Eddie’s eyes, the heat of Buck’s mouth envelopes his cock, first covering the head and then gradually taking in his full length. Buck slides back before he repeats the motion and flattens his tongue along the underside, leaving a slick trail behind. Resting his hand lightly on the top of Buck’s head, Eddie guides his movement with each measured thrust. Each muted grunt of approval makes Buck more eager to satisfy him, to have this with him. Buck hollows out his cheeks, captivated by the sounds slipping past Eddie’s lips. 

“If you keep this up,” Eddie rasps, “I’m not going to make it.” Eddie tugs gently at Buck’s hair to stop his movements, Eddie’s dick slipping from Buck’s mouth with a wet pop.

While Buck slides back from his kneeling position, Eddie rids himself of his jeans and boxers and discards them on the floor. He extends a hand to help Buck to his feet and Buck smiles at him coyly. “I wasn’t done yet.”

Barking out a rough laugh, Eddie slips his fingers into the waistband of Buck’s pants and draws him close. “Well, I haven’t even started with you yet.” The playfulness in Eddie’s tone surprises him. He doesn’t have long to appreciate the playful side of him, too busy wondering about the implication of Eddie’s words, and his mouth goes dry. 

Leaning in close, Eddie brushes his lips against the shell of Buck’s ear, his hot breath a steady presence there. Eddie rubs a hand over Buck’s hard-on through his jeans and elicits a gasp from him as he ruts into Eddie’s palm. “Cat got your tongue?” Eddie teases. 

Buck answers with a moan and tilts his head back, arching into Eddie’s hand. “Eddie.” Firm lips brush against the hollow of his throat, and Buck’s sure that he’s never been so turned on by the brush of someone’s lips before. The simple scratch of stubble against heated skin is sending his senses into overdrive. 

“Y-you don’t have to…” His words are in exact opposition to his actions as he presses forward into Eddie’s hand, who’s palming him through the denim.

Eddie laughs, the sound gravelly and amused this time. Buck tries not to shudder at the feeling that courses through him at the depth of his laugh. “I don’t have to, what?”

“Do… _anything_ ,” Buck chokes out while Eddie pops the button on his jeans with his free hand before stopping all movement suddenly. 

“Is that what you want? For me to stop?” The breath against Buck’s neck is hot as Eddie dips his head forward, lips not even touching his skin while Eddie waits for his answer. Buck feels like he’s going to vibrate out of his skin, his body aching for Eddie’s to touch him again.

Buck can’t stop the words from tumbling out, quick and messy. “Fuck, no.”

Eddie’s lips are on his neck then, alternating sucking and grazing his teeth against the sensitive skin, trailing downward towards his clavicle. He stops and turns his head to look at Buck. “No? Tell me what you want.”

“You. I want you, Eddie.” It’s not what he meant to say, but the words are out there anyway, and at least they’re honest. There’s nothing else he can think of in this moment except for Eddie— his hands, his lips, his body… the way that Buck feels under his touch. The way that Eddie has him feeling vulnerable and aching for him. He shudders as Eddie’s lips linger, licking over the skin there.

“And what do you want me to do?” he prods, pulling back to look at Buck.

Buck whines at the question, at the absence of Eddie’s lips and tongue that were hot against his throat only a moment before. “I want you to fuck me.” 

Eddie’s pupils look like they’ve been blown wide-open, the brown of his eyes nearly gone, like the thought of fucking Buck is almost too much for him to process. “That I can work with,” he says like a promise, and then he’s unzipping Buck’s jeans. He lets the fabric pool around his feet before Eddie’s hands drag up his thighs, his dick twitching at the sensation. “I don’t know where you want to do this, so you’ve gotta lead me a little here, alright?”

“Upstairs,” Buck grits out, fighting against the desire to have Eddie fuck him in the kitchen. He barely has the presence of mind to remember that the lube is upstairs in his nightstand. Eddie moves a hand to grip Buck’s dick, a satisfied smile on his lips at the strangled sound that slips past his lips. Glancing down at his cock, Eddie uses his thumb to sweep away the wetness, his hand gliding along the shaft, a small twist on the downstroke. “E-Eddie—” Buck shudders and hooks a hand around the back of his neck, drawing him down into a hard kiss. “Mmmh.”

“Upstairs,” Eddie reminds Buck, but it sounds more like a command as his hand falls away from Buck’s length. Buck nods in agreement, but instead of moving towards the stairs he takes Eddie’s face in both of his hands and kisses him hard. He’s mesmerized again by the taste of the kiss before he finally draws back. Focusing on the way that Eddie’s lips look, pink and kiss-swollen, he smiles. “You weren’t kidding when you said you were bad at taking orders.” Eddie grumbles the reminder this time, “ _upstairs_.” 

They begin to make their way towards the stairs to Buck's bedroom, stopping along the way for Buck to further prove Eddie’s point by stealing kisses. “This is taking too long,” Eddie complains, dragging Buck to sit on one of the steps when he pulls him in for another kiss. Eddie moves back several steps, hovering over him. “Might wanna get comfortable.”

“On the stairs?” Buck laughs, but the laugh ends up choked when he feels the heat of Eddie’s mouth closing over his cock. “Fuck,” Buck leans back against the steps, resting his weight on his elbows as Eddie’s fingers grip gently at the base, swirling his tongue over the head. Buck’s fairly certain that he’s going to die right here on the stairs. What a way to go. 

“ _Eddie_.”

Eddie studies Buck as he continues the swirling motion, his eyes practically rolling into the back of his head at the sensation. Eddie’s hand gently cups his balls and Buck grunts as Eddie licks along the underside of Buck’s length. A strong hand continues the fluid strokes at the base. “Ed-Eddie, can you—” His words die on a gasp as Eddie’s mouth plunges over him until his nose brushes against blond curls.

Eddie withdraws and looks at him with watery eyes, continuing to stroke Buck’s dick in the absence of his mouth. “Can I…?” There’s the slightest tell that Eddie’s amused as he looks down at Buck, the edges of his lips curving upward.

Buck struggles to laugh as he attempts to catch his breath. He’s trying to concentrate, _really trying_ , but he feels like his brain is sputtering at the small twist of Eddie’s wrist at the end of each stroke. “Can you fuck me, already?"

“Think you can make it all the way upstairs this time?” 

“I can’t make any promises,” Buck says. Eddie shrugs before he resituates himself between Buck’s legs, closing his mouth over the head. “Okay, okay — if you don’t stop, my staircase is gonna become a slip-hazard.” Eddie releases Buck’s dick, and the sound of Eddie’s laughter feels like a blessing.

“Way to set the mood,” Eddie jokes, reaching out a hand to help Buck to his feet. Eddie follows him up the second half of the stairs and stands awkwardly for a moment in Buck’s room.

“Make yourself comfortable.” Buck motions to the bed and watches as Eddie sits down. Buck pulls the lube out from his nightstand, the bed shifting with Buck’s weight as he lays on his side, facing Eddie. As Buck thinks back on the night, he’s not quite sure how he went from a bundle of nervous energy, to playing darts, to lying naked on his bed with Eddie. Not that he’s complaining—Eddie can lay naked on his bed whenever he wants. The flirting and laughter come easily with him and that alone sends an unfamiliar sense of longing through him. It’s something he already knows he wants more of.

To Buck’s surprise, it’s Eddie who closes in the space between them this time. Their leaking cocks brush against each other, igniting a hot coil deep in Buck’s gut. Eddie scratches against Buck’s scalp, a mess of blond curls running through his fingers. He presses their mouths firmly together again, nibbling at Buck’s bottom lip before sliding his tongue against it. Buck groans as he parts his lips, gladly accepting the intrusion. He drops his hand down and strokes Eddie in long, fluid motions as the kiss deepens, licking into Eddie’s mouth. 

Shifting them on the bed, Eddie gently presses against Buck’s shoulder, urging him to roll onto his back until Eddie’s hovering over him. Buck groans as they shift positions, feeling Eddie’s dick pressing firmly into his hip. “You sure this is what you want?” Eddie rasps as he pulls back from the kiss, searching Buck’s face for any sign that he’s having second thoughts. 

“Yes, I’m sure,” Buck says enthusiastically, causing Eddie to chuckle. Picking up the bottle of lube from the nightstand, Buck leaves the condom behind for now. Eddie takes the bottle from Buck, slicking up a few fingers, and Buck’s stomach tightens with anticipation.

“Just wanted to make sure you’re still into this,” Eddie whispers, lips brushing against Buck’s ear as he nibbles, tugging gently at the lobe. 

Buck spreads himself open as Eddie traces a finger along the valley between his cheeks, applying light pressure. He turns his head towards the pillow, letting the softness muffle his moan. “Ah, ah.” 

Eddie stops him, his free hand resting against the curve of Buck’s neck and squeezing gently to get his attention. Eddie’s breath is hot against Buck’s neck as he demands, “I want to hear you.” 

Buck tries his best to collect himself before he turns his head, looking up at Eddie with lust in his eyes. “Better?” He croaks out, and Eddie’s quick to smile, obviously pleased. 

“Yeah, that’s better.” The smile Eddie shares with Buck is lazy and endearing. After a pause, Eddie places a finger gently at his entrance, but he doesn’t press into him yet. “You tell me when you’re ready and, if you want to stop, just say so.” 

Buck hasn’t been with someone this considerate since Josh, as short-lived as that was. He knows that they’ve been all hands and mouths since they got back to Buck’s place, but he’s checked with Buck more than once to make sure this is what he wants; to make sure that Buck is ready. Aside from Eddie, every guy that he’s bottomed for has been less than concerned with how Buck was feeling or if _he_ was ready. They were more focused on chasing their own release and using Buck to get there. He’s not sure why, but something about Eddie caring enough to check in with him makes Buck’s heart race.

“I’m ready when you are,” Buck promises. Eddie slides one slick finger past his rim and begins a smooth motion around the tightness. “Jesus,” Buck groans as his head falls back against the pillow.

Eddie adds a second finger and Buck groans quietly at the increased pressure. It’s been a while for Buck, that much is obvious. It takes a few moments for him to adjust before he’s thrusting his hips down to meet the movements, biting down on his bottom lip to prevent another filthy sound from slipping past. 

“You’re gorgeous,” Eddie murmurs, and Buck wonders for a second if Eddie realizes he’s said it out loud. There’s an undeniable flutter in his stomach at those words as Eddie continues to work his fingers inside of Buck, his eyes dark with lust. Buck rasps for a breath, feeling like someone’s punched all the air out of his lungs. “If it gets to be too much, or you want me to stop…”

“I’ll… tell you,” Buck manages as he looks at Eddie, and he can only imagine that he looks utterly wrecked by now. “Please don’t stop,” he begs as he grabs fistfuls of the bedding beneath him. Eddie barely nods, watching Buck with a singular focus before scissoring his fingers. 

Eddie asks Buck if he’s ready for more and gets more lube—clearly focused on Buck’s comfort—and adds a third finger. He thrusts his fingers into Buck, curling them at the end of the movement and hitting Buck’s prostate. 

“Fuck, I’m ready,” Buck moans as he writhes on the bed. Where did Eddie learn to make someone come apart using only his fingers? His fingers are _magical_.

“I want to make sure—” Eddie insists, and Buck knows what he’s going to say. He wants to make sure that Buck is ready. He’s not sure what other signal he can give him, aside from writhing on the bed and pleading with Eddie to fuck him. Bracketing his arms on either side of his body, Buck lifts up from the mattress enough to seek out Eddie’s gaze. 

“I’m sure,” Buck interrupts, until finally Eddie stops, dropping his hand away. Buck drags Eddie in for a deep kiss, his hand gripping Eddie’s cock and beginning to stroke him again. Buck pulls back slowly, his lips only a hair’s breadth away from Eddie’s, breath tickling against Eddie’s lip as he whispers. “Are _you_ sure?” 

A desperate sound slips past Eddie’s lips and he rests a hand against the back of Buck’s neck, pressing their lips together and muffling the sound. Eddie pulls back from the kiss and leaves feather light kisses along Buck’s collarbone before he finds the hollow of his throat. “Are you always this much of a tease?” he mutters against delicate skin, alternating between nipping and sucking. 

Buck bites back a whine when Eddie nips at his skin. “I just like to make sure I get what I want.” 

Eddie laughs deeply against Buck’s neck, sending a vibration coursing through Buck’s body. “Of course you do.” 

Buck releases Eddie’s cock, resituating himself until he’s on his hands and knees on the bed, ass facing Eddie. Buck strokes himself as he waits for Eddie to appear behind him. Eddie rolls on the condom before reaching around Buck. “So impatient,” Eddie scolds teasingly, replacing Buck’s hand with his own for a few long strokes.

Eddie positions himself behind Buck, spreading his cheeks as he guides the head of his cock into Buck’s entrance. A groan dies deep in Eddie's throat as he stills while Buck rasps out a breath. After checking with Buck to make sure he’s okay, Eddie promises to go slow at first. A few slow movements later, the burning sensation of being stretched by Eddie’s cock begins to fade and is replaced by pure desire. Buck holds his weight up on his arms as Eddie grips his hips, thrusting into him. 

“You okay?” he asks again, and when Buck forces out a barely audible yes, Eddie reaches around him and strokes in time with his thrusts.

“Shit,” Buck whispers brokenly, and when Eddie’s hand closes over the base of his cock on the downstroke as his cock probes Buck’s prostate, he can almost see stars. He hears Eddie mutter something under his breath as he drops his hand away from Buck’s dick, both hands now bracing Buck’s hips as he fucks into him. If he’s being honest, Buck doesn’t know how long he’s going to last with how worked up he is. “Can we—Can I ride you?”

Eddie continues to fuck into him for several quick and deep thrusts, then audibly whines at the question. He stops his movements, but doesn’t immediately make a move and Buck stills as he tries to catch his breath, Eddie doing the same. He releases the grip on his hips and slides out before he sits on the bed. Buck’s on top of him quickly, straddling Eddie’s thighs. He watches Eddie’s face closely as he swallows hard, trying to retain his composure. 

“Do you like that, baby?” Buck teases as his mouth leans in close to Eddie’s ear, feeling Eddie’s cock twitch beneath him and grinning at his reaction.

“Like you have to ask,” Eddie mutters, hands returning to Buck’s hips. Buck seats himself back on Eddie’s cock and lets out a string of curses as he fills Buck again. Eddie’s head falls forward, leaving a smattering of dirty open-mouthed kisses against Buck’s chest. It takes a few moments for him to find the right rhythm, but with Eddie’s hands helping to guide him, it doesn’t take long. He grinds down against him, gasping as Eddie bottoms out inside of him.

“Please,” Buck manages to choke out, dropping his head forward, leaning it against Eddie’s sweat-slick shoulder. Eddie grabs Buck’s hips and his movements are more hurried as he thrusts up into Buck, not needing any extra encouragement to surge forward. Tensing slightly, Buck wraps strong fingers around the base of his cock, trying to delay his own orgasm so they can finish together. 

“Come for me,” Eddie says roughly, one hand moving from its place on Buck’s hip and grabbing at his wrist, pulling Buck’s hand away from his cock. He replaces Buck’s hand with his own and, instead of trying to delay Buck’s orgasm, Eddie pushes him further towards the precipice, stroking Buck. 

For the first time since he met Eddie Diaz, Buck does what’s asked of him without question or complaint and comes undone, lost in deep thrusts and rapid strokes. White ropes stream out against Eddie’s chest and Buck’s arm shakes as he tries to keep himself upright. He slides an arm around Eddie’s neck to balance himself as his movements become increasingly frantic, chasing his own orgasm. Eddie grunts and Buck feels his body tense and shudder beneath him. 

Buck’s head remains dropped forward against Eddie for a few moments, and he leaves a few soft kisses against Eddie’s shoulder. 

Eddie doesn’t move for a moment, taking his time to come back down and try to calm his breathing. Buck does the same before carefully sliding off of Eddie. “I’ll, uh, get you something to clean up.” He climbs off of the bed, retrieving a washcloth from the bathroom before he walks back out to Eddie. Instead of handing him the warm cloth, Buck moves forward, not meeting Eddie’s eyes as he gently cleans Eddie up.

“Buck, you don’t have to—”

“It’s okay,” Buck smiles, finally looking at Eddie with content blue eyes. “I don’t mind.” 

“Thanks,” Eddie murmurs, and he pulls Buck into a kiss that almost feels wistful. “I’ll-I’ll order an Uber.” 

Buck forces himself not to frown at those words. He gets that Eddie didn’t come here for conversation, but he hates that he feels the need to rush out the door the second that they’ve finished having sex.

“No rush, I’m gonna hop in the shower real quick. You’re welcome to use the one up here, if you want to clean up before you leave,” Buck says. He gathers Eddie’s clothes from where they left them carelessly downstairs, neatly setting them on the bed for him. 

Buck grabs a fresh pair of boxers and joggers from his dresser before he heads downstairs for a shower. As he stands under the hot spray of water, Buck remembers the feel of Eddie’s hands on him, the way that Eddie was as invested in Buck’s comfort as much as his own.

When he finishes, he walks into the kitchen and is unable to fight the grumbling in his stomach any longer. 

Buck gets out a few pans and lays them out on the stove, pulling ingredients from the refrigerator. It’s 4:17 in the morning and he should really be thinking about sleeping for a few hours and not cooking. Despite Buck’s obvious hunger, he needs something to keep his hands busy, to try to drag his mind away from the intimate moments shared with Eddie upstairs.

Buck begins by cracking a few eggs and chopping vegetables for an omelet and then starts a pan for frying the bacon. He remembers that he’s not in the apartment alone when he hears the water turn off upstairs, listening as the floorboards creak and Eddie makes his way to the stairs before descending. 

Eddie steps into the kitchen, causing Buck to glance up. “Thanks for letting me hop into the shower.” Buck shrugs at Eddie’s words before he continues. “An Uber can’t get here for another hour, so I’ll wait outside.”

“Are you actually being serious right now?” Buck laughs. Eddie opens his mouth to say something, but Buck cuts him off. “Are you hungry? Because I know I’ve worked up quite the appetite.”

The tense look on Eddie’s face fall away. “I’m starving,” he admits. 

“Well in that case, why don’t you hang around for some food? If your Uber isn’t here by the time you’re done, I could always drop you off at your place?”

“Thanks, Buck.” Eddie says after a moment, and his voice is soft as a smile dances across his lips. And fuck, if Buck isn’t in trouble because it isn’t just the fact that he wants to rip Eddie’s clothes off again, he’s _swooning_ over Eddie Diaz.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the amazing feedback, I truly appreciate all the comments and kudos. A big thank you to Nicole for the beta on this chapter.

When Eddie discovers that his Uber isn’t going to be able to pick him up for an hour, his gut twists uncomfortably as the awkwardness of the situation begins to sink in. This definitely wasn’t what Eddie was expecting to come of the night when Buck asked him to meet for drinks, especially after extending an invitation to the one-eighteen and Josh to meet with them. The chemistry that he felt with Buck was undeniable, although Eddie’s trying to do just that—deny that there’s anything there more than attraction. But it’s there, lingering just beneath the surface, a reminder that Buck made him _feel_ again for the first time in so many years. 

He needs to instantly put that in a box and shove it as far away as he can.

Eddie stalls, spending more time upstairs in Buck’s bathroom than necessary before he finally walks downstairs. He’s never been very good at the walk of shame. Although it’s been a long time since he’s had to make that walk, the discomfort is there all the same. So when Eddie tells Buck that he’s going to wait outside for his Uber, and Buck outright _laughs_ and then asks him if he wants to have some food while he waits, some of the tension eases out of Eddie’s shoulders.

“You wanna do me a favor?” Buck asks as he flips the bacon while it sizzles in the pan. “Can you grab two glasses from up there?” he nods to one of the cabinets. “I have orange juice and almond milk, or if you want I can make some coffee.”

Eddie grabs two glasses and sets them down on the counter. “Uh, orange juice is great.” There’s a part of him that wants to forget about the Uber, make coffee with Buck, and see if their chemistry was just a fluke or maybe just a few too many shots of Jameson, prove that it can’t be anything more than that. Eddie opens a few cabinets before finding the plates and setting them down on the counter beside the glasses.

Buck begins cooking the first omelet and he seems so comfortable standing by the stove. Eddie is at least grateful that he hasn’t asked for his help cooking. He watches Buck move easily around the kitchen, sees the way that the muscles in his back shift as he does. “So, tell me one thing about you that I don’t know.”

“I mean, there’s _so little_ that you don’t know about me,” Eddie jokes with a smile. “I don’t know if there’s anything that I can tell you that you don’t already know.”

Buck rolls his eyes at that. “Ha ha.” Although Buck sounds unamused, the smile that makes the corners of his mouth curl upward contradict his tone. “Fine, you don’t have to tell me anything.” 

As Buck finishes cooking, Eddie brings over the plates and Buck sets the food on the plates.

Eddie hesitates for a moment. Buck’s been so incredibly kind and warm with him, not treating him like he’s just some guy he brought home to hook up with. So, despite how he’s feeling about all of this, he opts for honesty— carefully choosing something that feels safe enough to share. 

“My best friend is my abuela. When I moved to L.A. she did too. In my life, she’s been the one person who’s always supported me no matter what; she’s always listened to what I have to say.” 

The words speak a truth that Eddie’s rarely admitted before in his life, and for a second he’s wondering why he’s sharing such intimate details with a near complete stranger. His dad’s cut him down so many times in his life that it’s caused Eddie to feel the need to bottle things up and _be a man_. Abuela was always there trying to put back together the pieces no matter how fractured or broken he was.

Eddie pours orange juice in the two glasses and follows Buck to the table. “That’s sweet.” Buck says and then takes a sip of his juice. “I’m really close with my grandparents too. I had a less than ordinary upbringing, I guess you could say. My grandparents have always been a constant in my life. They taught me more about kindness and giving back to the community than anyone... they’re the reason that I work at the center,” Buck confides.

Buck seems so at ease here, talking about his history, and while logically Eddie knows that’s partly because they’re in Buck’s home, Eddie’s drowning in feeling outside of his element. The thought of having a one night stand is one that he’s able to process, but feeling _this_ connected to someone that he barely even knows, a connection that feels far more than physical, is jarring. He’s afraid of what that kind of vulnerability and openness would mean.

So, instead of taking the time to dissect those feelings now, he tries to focus on the conversation with Buck instead. “Do they live close by?”

Buck shakes his head slightly. “I wish they lived in L.A., they actually live back in Pennsylvania where I grew up. My sister lives in Pennsylvania, too.”

“So no family here?” Eddie asks as he takes a bite of his omelet. “Damn Buck, you can really cook—this is good.” As Eddie looks across the table at Buck, he doesn’t miss the pleased smile that lingers on Buck’s face.

“No family. I mean, unless you count Josh. He’s basically become family since I moved to L.A., he was one of the first people that I met when I settled down here. But he’s more of a pain in the ass than anything else,” he chuckles fondly. “I’m glad you like it. My gram taught me to cook. What about you? Do you cook?”

“Yeah, I love to cook.” Eddie realizes as soon as the words slip past his lips that he’s an absolute idiot. Not that it matters since they’re not going to see each other again after he gets in the Uber. Eddie knew that when he piled into the Uber to come back to Buck’s place. 

He’s been so honest about abuela, and yet when he’s asked about cooking, he lies. Eddie wants to roll his eyes at his own broken logic. He finishes off the bacon on his plate and glances down at the notification on his phone. Eddie stands up and walks his plate into the kitchen, setting it in the sink gently. 

“Thank you for—” The words die on Eddie’s lips and because he’s Eddie, this is _really_ fucking awkward, “your hospitality.” Jesus, this truly cannot get any worse.

Buck snorts as he sets his glass heavily on the table before he stands, taking care of his own plate. “Is that what we’re calling it now?”

“That’s…” Eddie feels his cheeks flush, the tips of his ears burning and trying his best to ignore the dull headache that’s beginning at the base of his skull. He glances down at his phone. “My ride’s here. But thank you for breakfast. I had a really good time,” He says, and then silently curses himself for showing that little bit of truth.

He’s spent so long learning to be the man that’s expected of him; saying the right things, doing the right things. One night has seamlessly shattered all of that.

“Yeah, take care of yourself, Eddie.”

And Eddie says goodbye to the first person who’s really made him feel _something_ for the first time in three years. 

* * *

Eddie isn’t sure what he’s done to deserve an invitation to lunch when Bobby tells him that they need to meet the following day. He figures something happened that Bobby needs to discuss with him. 

Of course nothing goes right all morning, leading to Eddie arriving at the restaurant almost twenty minutes late. He spots Bobby as soon as he walks in and drags himself over to the table before he slides into the empty booth across from the older man. “Hey Cap, sorry I’m late.”

Bobby smiles when Eddie settles in the seat across from him and takes a sip of his coffee. “It’s fine, Eddie. It’s not like you’re on the clock,” he teases.

“So what did you want to see me about? You said nothing was wrong, but—”

There’s an expression on Bobby’s face that Eddie can’t quite read and his eyebrows knit together. “But you think that there is?” 

Before Eddie gets the chance to respond, they’re interrupted by a waiter who comes to take their drink order. Eddie’s thankful for the interruption, taking the moment to think about how to answer Bobby. When the waiter steps away, Eddie shrugs. “I don’t know, it’s not like you regularly ask me to lunch for no reason,” Eddie observes.

Bobby pauses and Eddie recognizes the expression on his captain’s face. It’s the expression that Eddie wears when he’s stalling and trying to figure out what the best way to talk to Christopher about something is. Specifically when it’s something that he doesn’t want to open up about, something that the boy is trying to keep buried. After a minute Bobby finally says, “I just wanted to check in with you.”

Eddie squints at Bobby, disbelief washing over him. “Is this a mental health check?”

“No, of course it’s not—”

“It is!” Eddie throws his hands up in the air. He knows that Bobby cares, knows that he wants what’s best for him, but none of this is necessary. “Bobby. I am _fine_.”

Bobby sighs as the waiter stops at their table and sets Eddie’s glass of water in front of him, placing the straw beside it. Eddie acknowledges the waiter with a tight nod before his attention shifts back to Bobby and he feels his jaw set in frustration. He knows that Bobby has the best of intentions, but between everything that has been going on in his life these past few weeks, the last thing that he needs is one more thing pushing him towards the edge that he already feels like he’s dangling from precariously.

“You don’t _seem_ fine,” Bobby observes and raises the mug to his lips, almost as though he’s using the mug to pace the conversation with Eddie. “I know you said things with Christopher have been a little shaky…”

“I can handle my son.” Eddie grinds out, though his voice trembles a bit more than gives him comfort. He remembers Bobby assuring him that he’s a great dad and that’s why Chris was a great kid. The fact that Bobby thinks that about him leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. Yeah, he’s a good dad _now_ , but what about all of those days before? 

Just last year Bobby confided in him about losing Marcy and his kids in an apartment fire, losing everything that mattered to him. Bobby told him about his struggles in the days that came after, but what hit Eddie the hardest was how he lost his family, despite how hard he fought trying to protect them, _to save them_.

Since then Eddie’s always felt like he never did enough for his family, never fought for them like that, and feelings of inadequacy make his skin itch. That voice reminding him that no matter how hard he tries, he can never make up for that missed time, that it’ll never be enough.

“I know that you can handle Chris,” Bobby reminds him evenly. As Bobby opens his mouth to say more, for a second all Eddie can see is red. 

He recalls a very public conversation with his parents where they told Eddie that they knew what was best for Christopher. That, despite Eddie thinking that he could handle his son, he didn’t have his best interests at heart. That Eddie wasn’t what was best for him since he was practically a stranger to his son.

“I thought after we talked that you were going to start asking for help once in a while?”

“I appreciate that, Bobby,” Eddie says tightly, trying his best to leave the past in the past. “But I don’t need help. I need to spend as much time with Christopher as possible because I’ve lost enough time as it is.”

Bobby’s face softens and Eddie feels his shoulders tense even more. “What is that supposed to mean?”

A bitter laugh slips past Eddie’s lips. “It means that while you fought with everything in you to try to save your family—” He stops abruptly as he feels an uncomfortable sting behind his eyes and is instantly horrified that he’s about to break down in the middle of a restaurant. Eddie wants to run, because that’s what he does when he’s scared; he leaves. Maybe it’s time that Bobby learns that truth about him, too… just like Buck.

Eddie turns as if to make a move to slip out of the booth.

“Eddie—” Bobby’s hand rests gently against his arm. His touch causes Eddie to turn his head back to look at him, yanking his arm away as the tears shake loose.

“We weren’t all as noble or heroic as you. Some of us ran away from our own families when they needed us the most. So please spare me the lecture about how great of a dad I am. That’s the last thing that I need to hear today.” 

Eddie knows that he’s tired and that he’s being irrational, but he wasn’t expecting this today. Bobby has been chiseling away at his protective walls bit by bit. Finally it’s like he’s smashed through that wall and all of the feelings that Eddie’s been keeping bottled up are rushing out of him. The worst part is that he doesn’t know how to stop it, to prevent himself from becoming an empty heap on the floor. 

If he walks out now and never looks back, he can pretend that none of this ever happened.

But it’s Bobby, the person who’s broken down Eddie’s wall bit by bit, helping him let out his feelings. It’s as if in helping him to break through that, he’s also wedged himself into Eddie’s heart, making it nearly impossible to walk away.

Eddie stays in his seat but hangs his head, refusing to look at Bobby. There’s a silence that hangs heavily between them and Eddie can only imagine the look of worry on Bobby’s face and that’s somehow even worse than him thinking that Eddie is a fuck up that runs away from all of his problems.

Eddie feels the steady press of two firm hands on top of his. “You _are_ a great dad, Eddie. Maybe we can talk about why you feel like you’re not?”

Eddie breathes out slowly before he finally lifts his gaze and he was right, this _is_ worse. The concern that’s etched on Bobby’s face makes his stomach turn. Eddie averts his gaze immediately, feeling like all of his scars are torn open and raw, out there for everyone to see. 

The waiter arrives again then and Eddie orders a burger and fries. He’s not even sure what Bobby orders, too focused on trying to handle how overwhelmed he feels.

“Bobby, talking isn’t going to accomplish _anything_.”

Bobby gently squeezes the back of Eddie’s hand. “What has keeping a cap on it done for you so far?”

“I guess it hasn’t done much for me,” Eddie admits. He doesn’t say anything more for a minute, trying to figure out what to say. Where does he even begin? How does he say aloud that he failed his son? How can he articulate that he ran away because he was scared? The voice that Eddie hears ringing in his ears sounds disturbingly like his father’s. Eddie’s at war with that voice and he finds the internalized verbal blows more brutal than any of the ones that he endured when he was on the front lines.

“Okay,” Bobby says. He looks at him so kindly and it’s as though someone other than his abuela is seeing past the facade for the first time. “Can we try talking about it?”

He barely nods. “I-I’m no good at this, Cap.” A silence falls between the two men and Eddie appreciates that Bobby isn’t pushing, that he’s letting him open up in his own time. He wants to talk to Bobby—wants to get those words out into the world and out of his head. The only person who truly understands his struggles is his therapist, and if Eddie’s being honest, he glosses over the things that hurt the most as much as he can. 

“When Shannon told me that she was pregnant, I panicked.” Eddie scrubs his hands down his face before he glances up at Bobby. “My dad and I, we’ve never had the greatest relationship. He never _really_ understood me. I was afraid of not being enough for Christopher and terrified of history repeating itself.”

Bobby opens his mouth as if to say something, and Eddie holds up a hand to stop the reassuring words that he knows are going to tumble past his lips. If he stops now and allows Bobby to comfort him, he’ll never speak the truth. 

“So I quit my job working for my dad and I enlisted. I didn’t even talk to Shannon about it beforehand, I just sprung it on her and then shortly after that I deployed.” Eddie drums his fingers against his thigh anxiously. “I was lucky enough to be there when Christopher was born and I was so in awe of him. But I realized I had a son and it _terrified_ me.” 

If Bobby hears the way that Eddie’s voice shakes at the end of that confession, he doesn’t say anything.

“So I went and I finished my tour. I came back stateside and… as scared as I was, Shannon was struggling just as badly. Worse, even. Trying to keep up with all of Christopher’s appointments and dealing with running the house by herself. I was so wrapped up in my own fears…” Eddie knows he’s not making any sense right now, all of his thoughts are jumbling together in a messy pile, and Bobby’s probably struggling to sort through them. He can’t slow down his brain enough to form cohesive thoughts, but Bobby doesn’t stop him. “Chris was two when I came back from my first tour. He was crying and I went to him and he screamed harder because I was a _stranger_ to him.”

Eddie stops and takes a few sips of his water, his chest tight with anxiety, feeling like it’s going to split open at finally admitting any of this out loud. “The tension continued to be really bad, Shannon made it clear that she needed help, that she needed _me_. I reenlisted under the guise that it was for them—the specialists, the mortgage, the utilities, the physical therapy—but really it was really because I was scared.” Eddie’s jaw clenches, “I was a coward.”

“Eddie—”

“I was a coward,” Eddie insists roughly. “I went on tour for another 18 months. Shannon told me her mom was sick and I told her we’d figure it out.” Now that the words are coming out, there’s really no stopping the brutal honesty that’s tumbling out. “When I came back home it was made blatantly clear to me how incapable I was of caring for Chris, that I was a stranger to him. I had no one but myself to blame for that.”

The waiter arrives at the table and Eddie swallows hard because now that the dams are open, holding down the rest of the truth back is physically painful. He looks over at Bobby and sees nothing but empathy in the older man’s gaze. It almost makes him stop, almost makes him stand up and walk away because he doesn’t deserve that. Finally, he says, “when I wasn’t ready to take off and come to L.A. after my deployment because I needed time, she-she said that she needed time, and she went to be with her sick mom. That’s when I finally became a dad to Christopher. When I finally learned what a CP diagnosis actually meant, what all of his needs were or, what I thought that they were at the time, anyway.”

“I’m not going to fault you for being human,” Bobby says so with such genuine care that Eddie feels like he could break. “For being scared. Fatherhood is scary and I can’t imagine what that was like being afraid for Chris especially after his diagnosis. I’m not saying you handled things in the best way or that you didn’t make mistakes, but I can understand _why_.”

“But you should, Bobby. You should fault me for it.” Eddie’s voice is broken with emotion, the guise of composure falling away. “You fought for Marcy, Bobby Junior, and Brook. They had to drag you out of a fucking _inferno_ because that’s how hard you were willing to fight for them. And me? I willingly went away when they needed me.” There’s an unshakable heaviness that Eddie feels as he drops his head into his hands. Tears of self-loathing rip their way through him and he finally lifts his head. His choices feel figuratively like leaving Shannon in a burning building alone and by extension, Christopher too. “I don’t deserve for anyone to understand those choices.”

“Don’t get ready to submit my application for sainthood yet. I’m far from perfect,” Bobby says. “Especially back in those days. I was hiding everything from my family — injury, drug addiction, outright lies—for a long time I blamed myself for what happened to them. If I hadn’t kept a separate apartment, if I hadn’t used that night, if I hadn’t fallen asleep then they would have survived. There never would’ve been a short that sparked the fire, and it never would’ve been too late. We’ve all made mistakes and done things that we’re not proud of.” His captain’s gaze settles on him, unwavering, to make sure that Eddie is hearing him. “What I need you to remember is that when it mattered the most, you were here Eddie. You _are_ here.”

Lowering his eyes, Eddie picks up a french fry from his plate, pushing it around in the ketchup that’s gathered into a messy pile on the side. He knows that Bobby is trying to get through to him and that he’s made some pretty sound statements, things that he should consider, but all he can manage to see is the failure. And of all people in the world to fail, he failed the one that matters most of all: Christopher. “I-I know that you aren’t perfect, Cap. It’s just—”

“It’s just what?” Bobby prods, watching Eddie as he pushes around his french fry with a clear lack of interest. The last time that Bobby brought him here, Eddie raved about how great the food was. Now he can’t even bring himself to eat.

“I’m really terrible at this,” Eddie admits with a hollow and humorless laugh, bloodshot eyes settling on Bobby. 

“At fatherhood? I don’t think—”

“No, not even that... talking about this, talking about _any_ of it.”

Bobby nods, as though in understanding. “Well, we’re going to keep talking about things until it’s not like this. Until it comes naturally.”

“Then we’re going to be here a long time.”

Bobby shrugs, curling his lips up into a smile. “I don’t have any plans today. Besides, I like the company.”

Eddie laughs again, but this time it sounds genuine instead of bitter and forced like before. “Thanks Bobby.”

“You got it, kid.” Bobby leans back into the booth and takes a bite of his panini, watching Eddie as he finally starts to eat his own food. It’s silly, but this moment reminds Eddie of all of the times he’d been at a restaurant and observed a father and son eating together and bonding. Each of those times Eddie felt jealousy and envy. For the first time today though, he feels a warmth settle down deep. Maybe he should feel disappointment because it’s not his own father that he’s having this conversation with, that his own father had never been one to reassure him or try to make Eddie feel better. Instead of feeling sad about that, all he feels is grateful for Bobby.

Eddie talks to Bobby a bit more about his time away from Christopher, and it’s as though a monumental weight has been lifted from his chest., He finishes his food and they set their plates on the edge of the table. Their waiter checks back with them and asks if they need anything else. 

“No we’re all—”

“Can we have two brownie sundaes?” Bobby interrupts with a mischievous smile that tells Eddie all that he needs to know; that move was pre-planned. “And two coffees.”

Eddie forces down a laugh and glances at his watch. “We’ve been here for an hour, don’t you need to get home to Athena?”

“Athena is back at the house drinking wine, and no doubt talking to Hen about how I folded the towels wrong, and didn’t take the garbage out.”

“The kids—”

“Are with Michael. Enough with the stall tactics.” Bobby grins back at him. “You never did say how things went with Buck after we left.”

Eddie groans at that and wishes he hadn’t finished his plate of food so that he’d have something to hold his focus. Instead, he’s picturing himself pressing Buck into the wall at the bar and kissing him. He’s remembering the feeling of Buck’s full lips against his. His heart clenchest, remembering all of the things that Buck made him feel. He realizes he’s being too quiet as Bobby looks at him expectantly and he forces the spiral into the rest of their night together away. “Things were… _fine_.” 

“Fine? That’s all you’re going to share?” The waiter returns with their coffees and ice cream before walking away.

Eddie grabs his spoon and digs into his dessert. It’s creamy, decadent and cold and Eddie wishes the ice cream would help him cool down as his thoughts stray back to the night he spent with Buck. “It’s really unfair that you ordered these, knowing that I’m not going to turn down a sundae.”

“You learn a skill or two when you have stepkids to bribe,” Bobby admits with a chuckle. He looks less concerned now, like he’s not afraid that Eddie is going to shatter every time that he speaks. “Now, tell me about him.”

“We had a couple more drinks, played some darts…” Eddie trails off, considering how much he should actually share with Bobby about that night.

“Sounds like you had a good time. So what’s with the face?”

Eddie eats a spoonful of the ice cream and brownie. “I took an Uber back to Buck’s.”

Bobby looks perplexed as he waits for Eddie to elaborate. “I don’t understand. What’s the problem?”

“I really like him. He’s funny, he’s got a good heart, and he’s sexy as hell.” He finds himself listing off all of Buck’s amazing qualities.

“Okay, so what’s his fatal flaw?”

Eddie laughs. “We slept together. So, everything else that I was feeling… it doesn’t matter now.” And what he’s been feeling since that night with Buck? It’s been a lot, things that Eddie hasn’t felt… maybe _ever_. He hasn’t needed or wanted anyone in a really long time. Everything with Buck felt so natural, as if they’re supposed to fit together. He clears his throat under Bobby’s gaze, trying not to get distracted by thinking about Buck and the things that he wants with him.

Eddie watches as Bobby’s brow knits together. “What you’re feeling always matters, Eddie. We could talk about what happened?”

“No offense, Cap, but I am not having this conversation with you.”

“Fine, but at least finish your ice cream.” Bobby motions towards the melting pool in Eddie’s sundae cup and Eddie notices the tight edges of concern fading away from his features. Eddie recalls the moments where Christopher has truly been upset or where something was seriously wrong. There’s a heavy weight that always puts on Eddie and the look on Bobby’s face mirrors the relief that Eddie feels when he realizes that everything is going to be alright. Bobby is the patriarch of their pseudo family and he just wants his kids to be okay.

Eddie rolls his eyes but scoops up the ice cream anyway.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to the lovely Nicole for all of her help with the beta on this fic, and helping me to shape it into the kind of story that I wanted to tell.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!

“Come on,” Buck whines. “I’ve been cooped up in the office on conference calls _all day._ I need to stretch my legs.” He’s aware of exactly how ridiculous he sounds, but for the way that the corners of Jayden’s lips curl upward, it’s worth it. Sometimes Buck himself wonders how he’s managing to run a company with how much of a child he acts like on certain days. Maybe that’s why bonding with the kids at the center is his favorite part of what he does, even though that isn’t _actually_ a part of his job.

Jayden sighs. “Fine. But I’m being picked up at five-thirty and I _have_ to be back,” he says, “My caseworker is stopping by to talk about me moving back with mom since she’s been released.” 

It makes Buck feel a little better that within less than two weeks, Jayden will be starting the process to get out of the foster care system. He knows that it’s not all bad, that there are truly good people out there, but he also knows that the majority of homes aren’t ideal. And if any kid deserves a little normalcy or stability in their life—to not carry their belongings from foster home to foster home in a trash bag—it’s Jayden.

Buck waits for Jayden to grab his things and they walk to the nearby park. It’s not one of the parks with the most offerings in L.A., but it’s only a short walk from the center which makes it ideal. “The court’s open,” Jayden says, turning to Buck.

Jayden’s right, it is. Buck also notes that there aren’t many kids on the small playground. “Or you could play on the playground first,” he suggests. Jayden’s eyebrows pinch together as he looks over the play area.

“I’m gonna play basketball. You gonna play, too, or are you going on the swings?”

Buck shakes his head with a small laugh, walking with Jayden over to the vacant basketball court. He grabs the ball and passes it to Jayden as they step onto the court. “So,” Buck leads in as Jayden checks him the ball before passing it back, deciding to broach the topic of Jayden’s caseworker. “Anita’s coming over tonight.”

Buck doesn’t miss the roll of Jayden’s eyes as he dribbles the ball. “Yep.”

“How are you feeling about everything?”

Jayden easily makes a layup before he turns back to look at Buck. “Is that really why you brought me here, Buck? So I’d talk about my feelings about it?”

Buck leans down to pick up the ball and looks squarely at the boy. “Would talking about how you’re feeling with hopefully going home soon be such a bad thing?”

“Where’s home, anyway?”

Buck feels a moment of sadness overwhelm him, for Jayden and his situation. He’s a kid and the all-encompassing question of what defines a home shouldn’t even be a consideration for him. Home should be where love is, where his family is. 

But he’s enough of a realist to know that hasn’t been Jayden’s life. “You miss your mom,” Buck says, instead of trying to dissect Jayden’s question.

Jayden shrugs as he grabs the basketball from Buck’s hands. “If you’re just going to stand there and talk, I’ll shoot hoops by myself.”

Buck moves forward then, knocking the ball out of Jayden’s hands and dribbling it towards the hoop. “As if I’d make it that easy for you.”

* * *

Buck’s tired. 

It’s been a few weeks since the offices were relocated from the high rise to the center, and two weeks since Buck’s new initiative for the office staff started. Everything has been running efficiently and there hasn't been any negative impact on the business, just like he promised Maddie. Every member of Buck’s team has taken part in running at least one of the activities and they’ve able to see firsthand the reason that they all come to work everyday: the kids. 

Work has been a good distraction to keep his focus on something other than Eddie. He thought there was a chance of something happening with them, but Eddie was so awkward afterwards that he’s been trying to pretend that it didn’t happen. Eddie made it perfectly clear to him that he just wasn’t interested in _more_ with him than what happened back at the loft, so he’s been keeping himself busy with work as a distraction. He gave up on checking for text messages from Eddie after a week of radio silence, when the disappointment from looking each day became too much.

Instead, Buck’s focus has been on working around the clock, waking up and starting his day by five-thirty each morning and not leaving until at least seven each night. The emails, phone calls, and spreadsheets have all been endless but also necessary. When he’s at home, it’s far too often that he powers up his laptop and tries to get things cleaned up late into the evening, so that he’s not walking into a mess the next day.

Thankfully, he has fuel for that: coffee. 

Each afternoon around two, Buck stretches his legs and takes a walk to stop at his favorite coffee shop in the city, The Grind. Today is no different. He has his iced coffee in hand and is walking back towards the center when his phone rings. He glances at it, recognizes the number on the screen and brings the phone to his ear. “This is Buck,” he answers.

“Mr. Buckley, I’m so sorry to interrupt you. I-I wasn’t sure who to call and Josh said that I should give you a call.” Buck immediately recognizes the woman’s voice on the other end of the line as Lynn, one of the women who helps with organizing the center’s after school activities, and the trepidation in her voice is unsettling at best.

“It’s fine,” Buck promises as he widens his stride, trying to get back to the center as quickly possible. It’s clear that there’s something that needs his immediate attention. “What’s going on?”

“We’re kind of having a situation with one of the boys here,” Lynn explains. “There was a fight and-and I—the emergency contact on file says that he doesn’t live with them anymore and I—” 

“It’s alright, we’ll get it figured out. Who is it?” Buck asks, although the knot in his stomach is telling him he already knows the answer.

“Jayden Olson. Josh said you’d know what to do.”

He pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m glad you called. I’m on my way back now and should be there in a couple of minutes. Can you tell me what happened?”

“Jayden and another boy got into a fight. The other boy’s parents already came to pick him up, but _Jayden_ -”

“I’ll take care of Jayden and get ahold of his foster parents, okay?” Buck sees the center come into view and lets out a sigh of relief. “Just, um, try to give him his space until I get there alright?”

A few minutes later Buck steps into the building and hurriedly makes his way towards where he knows he’ll find the boy, at the basketball courts. When he opens the door and steps inside, he’s grateful that it’s Josh that’s waiting for him. “I asked everyone to step out until you got here.”

“Thanks, man,” Buck says, voice barely above a whisper. Jayden’s back is pressed against the far wall of the gymnasium and Buck’s face twists as he watches the boy. “Do you know what happened? I thought things were starting to look up for him since he was looking forward to going back home.”

“I don’t know exactly what happened with Jayden and Parker. But…”

“ _Josh_.” 

“His mom was arrested.” Buck feels like all the breath has been sucked out of him as he nods, stepping away from Josh. He doesn’t say anything else as he approaches Jayden, taking a seat on the ground beside him.

“Hey Jay.”

 _Silence_. 

Buck turns his head and looks over at Jayden. “I heard you and Parker got into a fight.” Jayden rolls his eyes but continues to keep his gaze straight ahead, refusing to look at him. “I thought you guys were friends?”

Jayden laughs then and Buck feels his stomach drop at how broken it sounds. “I don’t need any friends.”

“Don’t you? Everyone needs at least one good friend.” Jayden falls silent again. “You know I’m no substitute for a friend, but I’ve heard that I can be a pretty good listener.” 

Jayden rolls his eyes and stands up. “I don’t need to _talk_ about it.” He grabs the basketball and starts dribbling, back to his usual avoidance tactics to pretend that his emotions don’t matter. Buck stands and watches from the sidelines as Jayden easily makes the first shot.

“Can I play?”

Jayden snorts. Despite that, the boy just looks sad and Buck wishes that he had the right words. He knows it’s not that easy, but Jayden deserves better than the hand that life has dealt him. “If you want to call what you do playing.”

“Let’s play for something.” Buck says, thinking about how Eddie and him made a wager when they played darts together. He knows that Jayden won’t be outright open with him, so maybe if he can convince Jayden to do this, he’ll at least get something out of the kid.

“Like a bet?” Buck watches as Jayden’s brow raises up towards his hairline.

“Like a game,” Buck says. “Every time that I score, I get to ask you a question.”

Jayden dribbles the ball a few times and looks at Buck seriously. “And why would I do that?”

“Well, what do you want when you score?”

“Five bucks for every basket.”

Buck barks out a surprised laugh. “Wait, you want me to pay you five dollars everytime that you score?”

“You do run this place, I’m sure you can afford it.” Jayden shrugs as he looks at Buck. “If you want me to talk, that’s my price.” 

Jesus, is he actually being _hustled_ by an eleven-year-old? Buck blinks for a second before scratching the back of his head. He knows this isn’t ideal and that he should be trying to get Jayden to open up to him organically, but he also knows that if he waits for that he probably won’t make it through the next few days.

“Fine. Five dollars per basket, but your answers have to be _honest_ or I’m not paying up.” This is definitely the most terrible idea that he’s ever had.

“Not like you’re actually gonna score, grandpa.” 

And so their game begins. Five minutes in and Buck already owes Jayden $35. He’s sure that, by the time they’re done, he’s going to be broke. He hasn’t made a single basket yet and Jayden is absolutely slaughtering him. After far longer than Buck would like to admit, he makes a basket and Jayden audibly groans. 

“Why did you hit Parker?”

He watches Jayden shift uncomfortably in front of him. Jayden never shows signs of discomfort or unease, and yet talking about himself is what makes that side of him appear. Buck resists the urge to pull him in for the hug that he so desperately needs. He wants to break down Jayden’s walls, urging him to talk about what is _really_ hurting him, but he knows the boy well enough to understand that wouldn’t make Jayden open up to him. It would only result in making him even more closed off. 

Finally, Jayden answers, “because he deserved it.”

“Why?”

Jayden frowns and he dips down to pick up the basketball, clearly dribbling the ball to occupy his hands and and his mind. “You already asked me a question. One basket, one question.”

That was their agreement, but _because he deserved it_ doesn’t really answer his question or give Buck anything to work with. “We did agree to that, Jay, but because he deserved it isn’t really an answer. We agreed this would only work if you were _truthful_.”

Jayden’s jaw tenses as he turns his back to Buck, continuing to dribble the ball mindlessly before he speaks. “He doesn’t know how to mind his own business.”

Buck watches Jayden closely as his focus slips and he misses an easy shot. “Is that really why you’re upset?” Buck prods gently as he steps forward and places a hand on Jayden’s shoulder.

“I-I’m not upset.” Jayden stumbles over the words and Buck can see the wall that Jayden erected on day one beginning to crumble in front of him. Buck squeezes his shoulder gently.

“Is this about your mom?”

Jayden shrugs off his hand and Buck recognizes the small shake to his movement. He turns his back away from Buck and moves to step away. “It doesn’t matter,” he mumbles.

“It does matter, Jay. _You_ matter,” Buck insists as he tracks Jayden’s movements. He knows that if he follows Jayden now, trying to hug him or comfort him further, that he’s going to shut down completely and all of this work will have been for nothing. He’s made so much progress with him, he can’t throw that away because he isn’t thinking about what’s going to happen down the line.

So, Buck ignores his instincts to comfort and crosses his arms over his chest, forcing himself to remain anchored in place.

“It’s my fault,” Jayden says, his voice sounding small. “It’s my fault for actually believing that I was getting out of foster care and going home. That I was going to go home to my mom again.” Buck knows that Jayden’s version of home is less than perfect, but for him it at least meant some level of normalcy. It meant a future where he could at least depend on one thing.

“None of this is your fault Jay, I—” Buck stops as he takes a step closer and stops himself.

“I know that it’s never going to get better. So I need to stop pretending that it is,” Jayden picks up the ball as his shoulders quake. Buck moves forward, placing a hand on his shoulder again, hoping that Jayden doesn’t move away from his touch and shut down.

Now that he's letting his defenses down, he’s showing signs that he needs at least a little bit of comfort; someone who can be steady for him.

“I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you have a lot of people who really care about you. You aren’t in this alone, Jay.”

“Buck, don’t.” Jayden’s voice is rough and he knows that he’s trying to keep his tears at bay, to continue his facade of being strong through all of the shit the world has unfairly hurled at him. It’s an act he doesn’t need when he’s with Buck.

“You aren’t alone,” Buck repeats. “I’m here.” He says it like a mantra, hoping that little bit of hope and truth are able to bleed in through the cracks of Jayden’s fractured heart.

* * *

Buck pulls into the lot at the park where he’s meeting Josh. He doesn’t understand why they need to meet in a public place when they usually just meet up at Buck’s, but Josh insists that it’s important so Buck made sure to arrive a few minutes early. He closes the door to his Jeep and walks to the quiet park, eyes taking in the lush green and blooming greenery that surrounds him. 

Buck strides over to a vacant park bench, dropping his head into his hands once he sits, trying to gather his thoughts. There are very few moments of calm for him to put his thoughts together and think about everything that’s been going on. The last couple of weeks have been filled with a heavy workload and also trying to be there for Jayden. 

It’s been enough to keep him busy and keep his attention on other things, keeping his attention on something other than that night with Eddie. He’s really tried to distract himself to avoid tormenting himself with something that he knows is never going to happen. Without any distractions now though, Buck’s mind begins to race. He thinks about things like how his fingers have itched to text Eddie on more days than he’d care to admit. 

The thoughts begin to overwhelm him until he remembers why he’s sitting here in the first place. Glancing down at his watch he notices that Josh is late. He pulls out his phone and shoots a quick text to his friend to ask if everything is okay. The sound of someone walking along the path distracts him and Buck glances up, instantly feeling his stomach tighten.

Buck studies Eddie as he approaches, his mouth barely dropping open before he forces it shut. He notices that Eddie doesn’t look around the park and take in his surroundings, instead, he locks eyes with Buck as he approaches the bench. There isn’t surprise etched on his features, not in the same way that Buck feels it surging through his veins now. “Hey, Eddie,” Buck manages. “What are you doing here?” 

Eddie looks at him with an odd expression on his face, his brows knitting together.“Meeting you? You asked me to meet you here.” 

“I...” Buck scratches his head at Eddie’s words. It’s not that he doesn’t want Eddie to be sitting next to him on the bench right now, he really does. Just sitting beside him has his heart beating a little faster and the rest of him feels so alive. It reminds Buck of the night that they spent together. They’re sitting so close together that Eddie’s hand nearly brushes against his, and he remembers those hands on his bare skin, and can still feel the way that those lips brushed against his skin, making his heart race.

Buck swallows hard, trying to push those thoughts aside. As affected as he is by the memory of their night together, he’s also a little concerned for Eddie because he thinks Buck asked to meet here. “No, I didn’t.”

Eddie openly laughs. “Yes you did.” He insists, pulling out his phone and finding the text conversation, showing their history to Buck. “See? Meet me at Hillsboro Park 12:30… _kissy face_.”

“What?” Buck’s forehead creases in confusion, scrubbing a hand down his face as he pulls out his phone. “I don’t… kissy face?” He opens up their history and sure enough there’s evidence of a text message to Eddie the previous day. He looks at the timestamp and nearly groans. “Josh must have texted you from my phone. _I’m gonna kill him_.”

“Oh,” Eddie’s response comes slowly, and Buck sees his face drop under the realization that Buck isn’t the one that had asked him to come here. Eddie shifts his weight on the bench as though he’s getting ready to stand. “I should go.”

“No, no… please stay?” Buck requests, instinctively closing his fingers around Eddie’s wrist and then immediately wonders if he’s overstepping. “I mean, unless you’d rather not?”

A tiny smile creeps across Eddie’s face. “If I didn’t want to see you then I wouldn’t have come here,” Eddie explains with a touch of hesitancy. Buck smiles and glances around the park, finding a path near the row of trees at the edge of the park. 

“Want to go for a walk?” Buck offers, nodding towards the path. 

It’s while walking down the path together that Buck learns a bit more about Eddie.

“I’ve been there a little over a year, and it still never ceases to amaze me some of the little nuances you find when you go into someone’s home.”

Buck raises his eyebrow a little at that. “Such as?”

“There was this guy who had this entire library where every single book title started with the letter ‘B’.”

“A _‘B’_ library?”

“I swear to you, man. He was so upset that half of his library was ruined, and was way less concerned about the rest of his apartment,” Eddie chuckles as he walks beside him.

Buck shakes his head. “What’s your reading taste like? Do you only read certain things, like only books that start with a certain letter, or maybe regency romance? Or, let me guess, you’re strictly a newspaper kind of guy?” He tries to bite back a smile as he looks over at Eddie. It shouldn’t be this easy. A simple conversation about one of Eddie’s calls shouldn’t make him light up just because he’s beside Eddie.

But it does.

“I mean, I don’t read a ton but I do read some historical nonfiction. I just think there’s a lot that we can learn from what’s already happened in the world, y’know?”

“I’m sorry, I’ve just gotta check this quick,” Buck apologizes, pulling his phone out of his back pocket as it begins to buzz insistently. When he sees Josh’s name he immediately remembers that Josh was supposed to meet him at the park. He rolls his eyes as he scrolls through the onslaught of text messages.

It’s the last one that has him considering hauling his phone into the trees before another message comes through.

_DEADLINE FRIDAY_

**Josh・1:03 pm**

He’s not talking about work, and that’s why Buck is bent out of shape. He knows that he agreed to it when Josh was trying to set him up before, but the last thing that he wants is for Josh to actually set him up on a blind date. He knows Josh’s type and it’s definitely not his, and he has no interest in a booty call. He’s only done that once in a matter of years and it was with Eddie. Though now that they’re talking again he hopes that they can at least strike up a friendship, if nothing else.

Which might be a necessity after he kills Josh.

Buck slides his cell phone into his back pocket. He considers so many possible scenarios and situations and he decides that he’s not okay just being at Josh’s mercy and letting him choose who Buck’s going on a date with. 

Instead, he decides to throw caution to the wind. For the little that he knows about Eddie, he knows that for whatever reason he feels at ease around him in a way that he shouldn’t. That part of him that he’s been trying to silence with work and distraction demands to be listened to, and Buck relents, deciding that he’s going to ask Eddie out to see if it was really all a fluke… or if there’s truly something there.

“Eddie? I have a proposition for you.”

Eddie cocks an eyebrow as he turns his head to look at Buck. “Oh?”

“Would you maybe… want to go out to dinner Friday night?” Buck’s sure that his voice quivers with uncertainty as he looks at Eddie. It’s a big ask, considering they haven’t even talked since they slept together a few weeks ago, but Eddie did show up here when he thought that Buck asked to meet him. He’s hoping that’s enough.

Eddie stills and asks, “Like, on a date?” Immediately, Buck begins to read Eddie’s hesitance as a clear sign that he’s not interested, and blood begins to rush in his ears as he prepares for the sting of rejection. 

Buck takes a steadying breath; he can do this.

“More like… a _fake_ date,” Buck says slowly, and goes on to explain the situation with Josh to Eddie. After he explains, he rushes to add, “I’d buy yours obviously since you’re doing me a huge favor.”

“Alright,” Eddie agrees with seemingly no reluctance. 

Buck swallows hard, doing his best to push down the disappointment that he’s feeling. As grateful as he is that Eddie’s agreed to go out with him on Friday to help him out, he’s obviously more comfortable with the idea of going out on a fake date with Buck rather than an actual date, refusing to let the hollow pang of disappointment overwhelm him.

What he does know is that despite anything else, he’ll be seeing Eddie Diaz again in exactly two days.

That shouldn’t mean because it’s just an act—a means to an end—but he’s never been so anxious for a meal in his life.

* * *

“What the fuck was that about, man? You say that you have something urgent that you need me to talk about, and then you ghost me?” Buck clenches his jaw as he crosses his arms over his chest, sitting at Josh’s dining room table with a beer dangling from his hand.

“It was important,” Josh mutters under his breath.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you.”

Josh takes several long swallows of his beer before he sets it down on the table a little more roughly than necessary. “Something came up at work.” Buck shoots Josh a disbelieving look. He doesn’t say anything about the fact that he’s discovered Josh’s text message to Eddie, because he may as well use that to his benefit, at least for now.

“Like what?”

“I was working on the Schrader grant. I actually heard back about it and it turns out they think we’re going to get the funding, which means—”

Buck forgets about the fact that he wants to kick Josh’s ass for meddling in his love life. His singular focus quickly becomes the grant. “Which means that we can distribute more funds towards the meal program and maybe qualify some more kids.” The grin that lights up Buck’s face is bright and he can barely remember why he was angry in the first place.

“Right, so I had Sam get together the applications and we can review them tomorrow.”

“Why not tonight?” 

Josh laughs. “Buck, the applications will be there in the morning. It’s not like we’re getting the funds overnight.”

Buck frowns. “I just... wouldn’t it be great to go in there tomorrow and know who qualifies?”

“We’ll do it first thing tomorrow. Nothing is gonna happen tonight, besides I don’t even have the applications _with me_ right now.” Josh says as he runs his thumb across the label on the amber colored bottle before he looks back at him.

“Liar.” Buck squints at Josh, studying his features for a long stretch of time. “You never use paper copies for anything, so if you booted up your laptop right now, I guarantee every application is there.”

“Are you telling me to do work _off the clock?”_

“ _On_ the clock,” Buck promises. “Anyway, just email them to me. I’ll review them tonight.”

“Buck—”

“ _Josh_.” Buck’s tone leaves no space for misinterpretation; he’s using his boss voice. “Email them to me, I’ll take care of it tonight.”

Josh rolls his eyes at the change in Buck’s tone, and he knows if it had been any other staff member, they never would’ve reacted in the same way. They’d have done as he asked without question. “Fine, but you do know that we’re perfectly capable of doing our jobs, right?”

The hard lines in Buck’s face soften. “Of course I know that, Josh. This doesn’t have anything to do with me not thinking you’re capable. You shouldn’t have to deal with this at 9 pm.”

“But you should?”

Buck runs his fingers through his hair before he looks across the table at Josh. “This is my—”

Job. 

“Life?” Josh asks, his tone not unkind as his eyes settle on his best friend.

“Yeah,” Buck replies, his tone quiet.

“Therein lies the problem. This is important, what we do is important... but there has to be life outside of it.”

Buck’s insides twist as Josh’s words sink in. He knows it’s important, he pushes this exact point so much with his team—the importance of a healthy work-life balance. Josh knows all too well that aside from Buck’s friendship with him, Buck doesn’t live much outside of the confines of the community center, unless Facetime with Maddie counts. He’s always been driven and passionate about this cause—because of the direct link to his own childhood and knowing the difference they can have—but he’s never really seen it as a problem.

Until this conversation.

Buck sighs as he drains the last of his beer, walking to the sink and depositing the empty bottle there, then rejoins Josh at the table with another beer. “Don’t email it to me,” he concedes unhappily before taking a few long swallows. “You guys handle it tomorrow.”

“Does that mean you’re also going to attempt to have a social life or does your taking my advice only pertain to not working all hours of the night?”

Buck rolls his eyes. “I asked Eddie out to dinner Friday night.”

Josh grins wickedly and raises his hands in triumph. “Finally!” Buck just shakes his head as he sits across from Josh. “Sure as hell took you long enough.”

Even though the heat of Buck’s frustration with Josh’s meddling has faded, he doesn’t think that he has it in him to not even address it. “You obviously thought it was taking too long.”

“What do you mean?”

“It means,” Buck says, “that I know you texted Eddie yesterday. I know it wasn’t a coincidence that he showed up at the park instead of you.”

Josh averts his gaze for a second before landing back on Buck. His expression is pinched as he sets his own beer down on the table. “It wasn’t one of my finest moments, but I just can’t stand the thought that you’re not willing to even put yourself out there and _try_. You commit every second of your time to the center, and I just wanted you to find a little bit of happiness… because there’s nobody that deserves it more.”

Buck knows that as poorly executed as it may have been, Josh only had good intentions: to help Buck find happiness.

“I appreciate that,” Buck says finally. “It just all seems kind of backwards, though.” Josh’s eyebrow raises with obvious interest.

“Why exactly would it be backwards to ask him out now, Buck?”

Buck purses his lips, then drums his fingers against the top of the table. “Because…”

“Spit it out,” Josh presses, gaze focused on Buck.

“We had sex.”

“When? And you didn’t tell _me_?”

The fact that Josh is _shocked_ by this revelation further proves how completely empty Buck’s love life has been. “The, uh, the night at the bar?”

“You’re an idiot. And not only that, you’ve been withholding information from me. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” Josh scolds, but he looks anything but upset. He looks downright gleeful, and Buck’s thankful that he didn’t hold Buck’s ridiculous work addiction against him. “Was it terrible and that’s why you haven’t asked him out?”

Buck swallows uncomfortably. “Whatever the complete opposite of terrible is, that’s what it was. It was…” Buck trails off slowly, trying to think of the right words to encompass that night, but comes up empty. He’s going to be seeing Eddie again, platonically, just so he can help Buck out with this ridiculous situation with Josh— which Buck truly appreciates. But he’d be lying if he didn’t admit that there’s at least a part of him that wishes that it was more, wishes that their fake date wasn’t going to be quite so… _fake_. 

“It was...?” Josh prods as he stretches out his words, obviously fishing fore more.

“It was phenomenal, Josh. I guess it just feels weird to back up and start dating him now.”

“At least you know that you have chemistry with him. If it’s meant to be-”

“Please don’t start with the cliches.” Buck shakes his head at Josh as he sips his beer.

“If it’s meant to be, it will be,” Josh says in a sing-song voice. 

Buck groans.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the chapter, just a day early :) work has been crazy, so trying to make sure I don't miss posting. Thanks for the kudos & comments, I live for them.

This is fake. It’s just Eddie helping Buck out and getting a free meal out of it plus some friendly conversation between friends. That’s all. This isn’t an _actual_ date and yet Eddie has spent the last twenty-seven minutes trying to figure out which shirt looks best. After far too much indecisiveness about where they would be meeting , Buck finally told him that he would choose a place and asked Eddie to wear something _nice_. What did ‘nice’ mean anyway? 

God, he’s such a disaster.

He steps out into the living room where his abuela arrived just a few minutes before. Christopher wanted to grab a few more things from his room before leaving for his sleepover at Abuela’s and he’s just coming out with his favorite t-rex in hand. “You all ready to go, _mijo_?” Eddie asks, ruffling his curls with a warm smile.

“Yeah, Dad, I have everything in my bag.” Eddie asks him to go get his shoes on and he notices her eyeing him speculatively from her spot in the living room.

“Abuela—” Eddie begins with a warning tone.

“Ah ah,” Abuela stops him with a pointed finger. “You look handsome, Eddito. Who’s the lucky one, huh?”

Eddie bites down an exasperated groan. “I’m just meeting a friend for dinner.”

“Hmm, just a friend?” Isabel cups his cheek lovingly and any fight that he has to argue with her dissipates. He knows that no matter what he says, she’s going to win the argument so he shrugs.

Eddie kisses her softly on the cheek. “Will you make sure he works on his reading tonight before bed? The book should be in his bag.”

She promises that he’ll read before bed and Eddie says his goodbyes before he shoos them out the door. He checks the time once they leave and finds that he has about an hour before he needs to meet Buck. He’s never been to the restaurant before and lets out a small sigh before pulling it up on his phone. It looks _nice_. Definitely a far cry from the burger joints that he’s been frequenting with Chris since his lovelife fell stagnant far longer ago than he’d care to admit.

After he glances at the menu and finds a few choices he can go with, he pushes down his nerves and arrives at the restaurant promptly at 6:30.

When he arrives Eddie is surprised to see Buck inside the restaurant’s doors waiting for him. “Hey man,” Buck says, a soft smile flitting across his face.

“Buck, hey. I hope you weren’t waiting long,” Eddie says. Buck’s wearing a button down shirt and a pair of slacks, and Eddie appreciates the way that the shirt hugs his barrel chest and fit torso in all the right places. He smiles at the hostess and a few moments later she’s leading them back to a table.

“If you need anything else, Mr. Buckley—”

“Thank you, this is perfect.” Buck flashes a bright smile as he settles at the table across from him. The waitress takes their drink order a few moments later and then they're left alone. “So, have you ever been here before?”

“No, it’s my first time here.” Eddie looks around noticing the delicate lighting and music playing in the background that creates a soft ambience. His attention settles back on Buck and he smiles, “I’m going to guess based off of the fact that they know you by name that _you’ve_ been here before.” 

“Yeah, usually for lunch though, meetings for the center,” Buck explains. “They have some really good salads and appetizers.”

“Can I ask you something?” He asks Buck after a silence settles over them.

“Of course.” 

Eddie’s not sure how to ask this without sounding like a total jackass. “Why’d you agree to find a date _with conditions_ if you didn’t want to go out on a date to begin with?”

The smile that pulls at Buck’s lips is soft and thoughtful. “When I moved to L.A., it was basically me against the world. I didn’t know anybody here and… then I met Josh. It’s been a few years now and he’s been by my side the entire time. He thinks I spend too much of my time working and, while I get it, the work we do is important. Sometimes it’s hard to separate from that.” Buck pauses as he tries to gather his thoughts and explain his reasoning. “Josh thinks I need to get out more and I’m trying to humor him because he’s my best friend. I know he’s just trying to look out for me.”

Eddie can appreciate that Buck’s doing this for his friend, but at the same time it seems like such a hassle. He’s not complaining though since it brought them together again. “So you’re trying to humor him by faking it?”

Buck shrugs. “I mean, the way I see it is, I’m still getting out and having a non-work related dinner. And he’s still getting what he was aiming for. The dating scene in L.A. borders on frightening, so I’d just rather not waste my time on some dating app that’s going to set me up with someone that’s completely wrong for me.” Buck looks at Eddie thoughtfully. “Why did you say yes?”

“I guess I’m a sucker for free food,” Eddie jokes. Except, that isn’t the truth. Not even close. 

Despite his tendency to keep things to himself and constantly push his feelings down, Eddie has found himself opening up more to Bobby. What’s stopping him from throwing caution to the window and doing the same with Buck now? 

“Honestly? You seem like a good guy, Buck. We get along well and my social calendar isn’t exactly full these days, either. I figured that having dinner with you couldn’t be all that bad.”

“Fair enough,” Buck says. “Though I’m pretty terrible company, especially when my Eagles are losing.”

Eddie’s face twists in obvious horror. “Please tell me that’s your idea of some sick joke. The Eagles are terrible, man. Obviously you need help finding a real team, like the Cowboys.”

“Oh, here we go.” Buck groans dramatically, but Eddie doesn’t miss the way that his blue eyes shine a little bit brighter under the teasing. The waitress brings over their drinks and takes their food order, allowing them to fall seamlessly back into conversation. “Well clearly football talk is off the table since I can’t have a conversation with a Cowboys fan.”

“I have half a mind to storm out of this fake date right now out of your pure inability to support a good team,” Eddie smirks. “Why don’t we move on to a safer subject? You mentioned you’ve only been in L.A. for a few years. Where did you grow up?”

“I grew up in Pennsylvania, with my sister and my grandparents.” Buck explains and Eddie finds himself captivated, willing to get lost in every detail that Buck’s willing to share. “Small town with not a whole lot to do, so moving to L.A. was a bit of a change. But, uh, I love it here. There is so much more to do in L.A then back at home.”

“But you still call it home.” Eddie observes. 

“My family still lives there, so I guess in a way it will always be home?” 

The waitress makes her way back to their table and Eddie realizes that he’s been too caught up in Buck to even decide on what to eat. He hesitates between the options he narrowed it down to before he left the house, and Buck suggests the carbonara. 

“What about you, huh? You didn’t grow up in L.A. either, right?”

“No, moved here about three years ago,” Eddie pauses as he thinks about the story. Shannon leaving both Eddie and Christopher behind. The total lack of support or faith in him from his parents, despite everything. Eddie knows that he’s never been the perfect father, but he loves Christopher. His parents truly believed that Christopher would be better off parented by them because they didn’t think Eddie was capable, and that gutted him back then. If he’s being honest, it still stings.

His relationship with his father had always been less than perfect, the man had always made him feel _less than_. He couldn’t bear the thought of that being Christopher’s fate as well. “I grew up in Texas and, after my last tour in the Army, I decided that it was time for a change of pace and scenery. I had a few different fire departments that I had offers from and chose L.A.”

“Do you have any family here?”

“I have an aunt that was living in L.A. at the time. So when I mentioned to my abuela that I was moving she insisted that she was coming, too. A couple months after I got settled in, she made the move, and… it’s nice to have her here. She’s always been there when I needed it the most.” Eddie swirls the drink in his glass mindlessly, finally glancing up to Buck’s eyes that are resting steadily on his face. “The 118 has kind of become my family since the move, too,” he admits.

“I’m glad you’ve found that here,” Buck smiles. It’s real and genuine and Eddie’s stomach flutters, trying to focus on everything but the way that it feels to have that smile directed at him. He forces his thoughts to a halt and tries to ground himself. He reminds himself that this isn’t real, it’s just a _fake_ date. Any connection that he feels to Buck doesn’t matter, aside from friendship. “So you said you don’t really date much, either… what is it that you hate about dating _the most_?”

“It’s just so damn awkward,” Eddie admits with a laugh as he looks over at Buck. “You go out to dinner and what? Force conversation that would never happen otherwise? Pretend that you have something in common even when it’s clear that there’s literally no common ground? I’d rather get to know someone more organically, I guess? I’d rather _do_ something with them, like an activity. Go hiking, or dancing, or ziplining and see if we have anything in common.”

Eddie thinks that he’d like to do that with Buck, find out what they really have in common, though taste in football teams is obviously off the table. Dinner has been nice and surprisingly he’s enjoying the conversation with Buck. The things he really wants to know about Buck won’t be answered sitting across the table from him at some restaurant with dim lighting and quiet music playing in the background though. 

He wants to learn who Buck is. What makes him laugh? Is he competitive? What makes him tick? What made him become so passionate about his work? Eddie doubts that a fake date is the place to get the answers to any of those questions.

“I don’t know?” Buck shrugs. “All of those things are great for getting to know somebody. But a classic date? Great conversation over good food and drinks, that can be pretty great too. Yeah, it can be terrible if you’re out with someone who isn’t interesting or who you don’t have anything in common with. I’m just saying that it can be pretty amazing if it’s with the right person.”

“It sounds like you’re talking about some fantasy of a date and not an actual date.”

To his surprise, Buck grins at him with a determined set to his eyes. He stays silent for a pause before he says, “I’m going to knock your socks off and make this the greatest fake date of your life.”

Eddie nearly narrows his eyes playfully at Buck’s words, then responds flatly. “It’s the only fake date of my life.” It’s the truth, even if he’d been on a thousand fake dates, he’s sure that this one with Buck would outshine all of them. The idea of Buck spending the evening making it nicer sends warmth spreading through Eddie’s chest.

“Unimportant detail,” Buck promises him. “As long as it’s the greatest one then nothing else matters.”

___________________________________

Buck was right about one thing; the conversation with them has an easy ebb and flow all evening. Somehow, it’s devoid of the usual awkward silences and stolen glances to check on the time. No text messages are fired off in distress, looking to be rescued from an absolutely dreadful date. Eddie forgets the entire reason that he told Buck that he’d meet him tonight was for the free food. When the waitress drops by with their food, their conversation doesn’t stall. The food sits on the simple white plates in front of them, slowly cooling as their conversation continues.

Eddie finally notices the forgotten food when the waitress comes over and asks if everything is okay, as both of their plates have gone untouched since she brought their food. 

“Yes, I’m sorry. Everything was perfect, thank you. Can we get these to go?” Buck asks, flashing the waitress a smile before she steps away from the table. Buck turns his attention back to Eddie. “Not so bad for a first fake date, huh?”

Eddie’s lips twitch as Buck slips his credit card in with their bill for dinner, setting it at the edge of the table for when the waitress returns. “It was _alright_ ,” he teases. “I didn’t think that I’d be ending the night hungry.”

They make their way out into the crisp night, Buck carrying the paper bag holding their dinners. Eddie walks beside him until he leans back against a Jeep, which he can only assume is Buck’s. He sets the bag down on the pavement and looks at Eddie with a smile. “Well if this had been a real date, this is where I’d kiss you,” Buck says, the volume of his voice quieter than before. Eddie wonders if his tone has really quieted, or if Buck’s voice has been muffled by the rushing in Eddie’s ears, suddenly overwhelmed with the thought of Buck’s lips on his own. 

He’s been thinking about what Buck’s lips would feel like against his own since he agreed to help Buck with his situation with Josh. Hearing Buck say those words now brings those thoughts back tenfold.

Buck is being flirtatious and Eddie doesn’t know if the other man even realizes it. “I _thought_ we agreed that dinner didn’t qualify as a complete date.”

Buck grins. “No, _you_ said that. _I_ said that if you’re with the right person that dinner can be an absolutely perfect date.” Eddie’s eyes drop to Buck’s lips and stay there for a little too long, tracking the movement of Buck wetting his lips before they flit back up to catch his gaze.

“Fair enough,” Eddie manages to say, despite the nervous energy that he feels rising. He tries to push that nervousness down and instead, he focuses on the coy upturn of Buck’s lips, registering the pleased look in Buck’s eyes when he realizes that Eddie’s been staring at his mouth. Eddie swallows slowly, then attempts a teasing tone. “And you can’t make this a real date just by saying that dinner with the right person is a perfect date. If that’s what you want you’re going to have to ask me out… on an actual date.”

It looks like Buck is trying to fight a smile, his blue eyes soft and amused. “Is that so?” he asks as he dips his head down, angling forward away from the Jeep and into Eddie’s space.

“Mmmh,” Eddie mumbles with a barely discernible nod, distracted by how close Buck is now. He nearly rolls his eyes in spite of himself at how obvious he’s being, but Buck’s relative closeness reminds him of the night at the bar. He dispels the air from his lungs, tries not to focus on the fact that Buck’s face is almost close enough that he can feel the warm puff of breath on his face. “Yeah, that’s how this works.”

“Eddie, can I take you out sometime… on a _proper_ date?” Buck smiles boyishly and the soft nature of the smile nearly makes Eddie’s heart come to a complete stop.

“What does a proper date entail?” Eddie asks, raising his brow in question.

“Well that depends,” Buck begins, “since you’re going to be the one planning this proper date. You know, so you can show me what a real date should look like. For future reference.”

“Hang on a second.” Eddie laughs in disbelief and feels the tension in his chest loosen. “You’re asking me out on a date but _I_ have to plan it? Doesn’t that seem a little backward to you?”

“I thought you might appreciate that I’m not very conventional, y’know since you’re spitting in the face of convention with your judgement of the classic dating trope.”

“Okay,” Eddie agrees with an easy smile. “How about next Friday night at seven?”

“I’ll clear my schedule with the boss.” 

Eddie momentarily worries his bottom lip between his teeth. “While we’re being unconventional,” Eddie says, moving closer to him and brushing his thumb over Buck’s jawline. “What do you think about ending this fake date with a kiss?” Hazel eyes scour Buck’s face, searching for any sign of hesitance. 

“I’m a big fan of the unconventional,” Buck murmurs the confession. 

That’s all the encouragement that Eddie needs as he steps forward, his chest pressing against Buck’s, pushing his solid frame back against the Jeep. Eddie doesn’t miss the uneven breath that stutters past Buck’s lips, finding a bit of relief with the knowledge that he’s not the only one feeling what’s been hovering between them. He remembers the needy press of lips at the bar and instead moves slower, his parted lips barely brushing against Buck’s. 

Eddie’s eyelids flutter shut, intoxicated by the sweet taste of white wine left on Buck’s lips and the faint smell of citrus and cedarwood overtaking his senses. Buck presses forward gently, cupping the curve between Eddie’s neck and shoulder, brushing his thumb there gently and sending a jolt through him. Slowly, Eddie withdraws and releases a few slow, steadying breaths to calm his rapidly thundering heart. “Thank you for a perfect fake first date. I, uh,” Eddie stills as his stomach growls and ducks his head, a light flush brightening his cheeks as he chuckles.

“It’s not perfect if you’re going home hungry,” Buck observes, resting a finger below Eddie’s chin and gently tilting his face upward. “What do you think about coming over and we can actually _eat_ our dinners?”

“I’d say that sounds pretty close to perfect.”

___________________________________

Eddie parks once they arrive at the apartment and Buck meets him beside Eddie’s truck. They walk up to Buck’s apartment together and Eddie has a moment of deja vu from the last time he was in Buck’s space. It doesn’t bother him though. He really likes Buck and really likes being in his company, whether that involves conversation or undressing him. He feels just as nervous this time, but it’s different. Last time he was awkward because it was a one-night stand and that wasn’t something that Eddie did. Now he’s nervous because he doesn’t want to ruin the probability of something really good happening because he’s an idiot.

Buck pulls out a few plates and sets their takeout on the counter. “You want a beer?” he asks, before he moves towards the fridge. “Or I can get you something else.”

“A beer would be great. Can I help with anything?” Eddie’s eyes follow Buck as he moves easily around the kitchen, once again noticing the way that he perfectly fills out his shirt.

“I got it,” Buck says as he glances up, plating their food from earlier. He warms Eddie’s food first followed by his own, and Eddie smiles softly at the gesture. “Do you want to sit at the table or the couch?”

“Table’s perfect, Buck.” Eddie grabs both of their beers before he follows Buck to the table. He pauses as he studies Buck when he sits down then says, “well, at least now you won’t have to lie to Josh about how tonight went.”

“I still think he’s a little shit for texting you.”

Eddie takes a swig of his beer as his pasta cools down a bit. “Do you wish he wouldn’t have?”

The smile that crosses Buck’s lips looks genuine as he shakes his head. “I’ve never appreciated his meddling more,” Buck admits. He nods his head, satisfied with Buck’s answer. Truthfully, if Eddie had known that Josh was the one that had texted him, he never would’ve shown up at the park. And then they wouldn’t have had this great evening together — with the promise of more — and Eddie’s surprised by how much the thought of missing out on this makes him ache.

For someone who has always disliked the dating ritual of getting to know someone over dinner, this is the second time in one night that Eddie has found himself immersed in conversation with Buck over plates of delicious food. It gives him the chance to learn so much about Buck: what makes him tick, the strong relationship he has with his older sister. 

More than that, he’s learning that maybe it’s okay to find solace in someone else’s company. It’s okay to laugh at jokes, even if Buck isn’t Christopher’s other parent — maybe, especially because he’s not. For the first time in so long, Eddie feels seen, as a person. Not as a dad, or a firefighter but just as… Eddie.

“You want to stay for a bit, since you’ve had a few drinks?” Buck suggests and Eddie agrees. They load the dirty dishes and then make their way to the couch, bodies turning in towards each other. “Do you want to watch something, or we can just… talk.” Buck says after a minute. Obviously he doesn’t want Eddie to drive drunk, but maybe the invitation back here is because Buck wants to feel Eddie pressed against him again. Eddie rests his hand on Buck’s thigh, fingertips brushing against the fabric of Buck’s trousers, steadily traveling upward. 

Eddie moves forward, pressing his lips firmly against Buck’s. He leans forward into the kiss, one arm resting against the back of the couch as he presses Buck back toward the cushions beneath him. The desire that he sees in Buck’s eyes helps Eddie ignore any self-doubt, allowing a slow roll of his hips. 

Buck lets out a deep groan, resting a hand against Eddie's chest, head dropping back against the couch. “Woah, woah cowboy.” The laugh that slips past Buck’s lips sounds raspy and broken. “This is not first date territory, definitely at least third date territory.”

Eddie smirks down at Buck. “Technically this isn’t our first date.”

“So you technically have _at least_ three more dates to wait.” Buck says, as he shifts his body upright on the couch. Eddie looks at him closely, wondering if he read all of Buck’s signals wrong. Isn’t this what he wanted?

He was sure that was at least part of the reason why Buck had invited him over, because Eddie has never been interesting enough to just talk to. Was that a thing that people actually did? If it is, it’s definitely not something people did with Eddie. At least not until tonight. He’s not that interesting and he’s never been worth _just_ talking to, unless the person on the other end needs something from him. He remembers all of the times he was reminded that what he has to say doesn’t have value, that vulnerability and emotion are weaknesses. 

Eddie feels himself spiraling and he swallows hard as he tries to push Ramon’s voice aside.

_Nobody wants that from you, Edmundo._

_You have to be a man._

_You need to be a provider._

_If you had been a better father, Christopher would have two parents._

Eddie runs a hand over the back of his neck as he shifts back onto the cushion behind him, giving Buck his space. “Sorry, I uh—” His expression plummets along with his heart and his gaze settles on the floor. He’s such an idiot.

“Hey,” Buck says gently as he takes hold of Eddie’s hand. “You don’t have to be sorry. I know that the chemistry is there, I think we both know that after the last time,” Buck chuckles softly. “But I want to get to know you, Eddie.” 

Eddie feels his throat catch as Buck rubs his thumb gently against the back of his hand.

“I think I want to know you too, Buck.” Eddie’s voice comes out strangled and he leans across the space on the couch between them, placing a tender kiss against Buck’s lips, like a promise.


	11. Chapter 11

If there is one quality that Buck lacks, it’s patience. He is _terrible_ at waiting. Waiting for a doctor’s appointment feels like cruel and unusual punishment and, when he was still in school, waiting for test results it was a legitimate struggle. When Eddie doesn’t immediately disclose the plans for their Friday night date, Buck is determined to find out what he has planned. There’s no way that he can wait until Friday to find out where they’re going.

So Buck is persistent. He texts Eddie constantly, checking to see how he’s doing, asking how his shift is going. He fishes for hints by asking if there’s anything special that he should wear, hoping that one of these questions will give him a clue of where they’re going.

When that doesn’t work, he asks if he has Chimney’s number because he needs to ask him something, which Eddie outright refuses because he’s clearly onto Buck. Eddie isn't fooled and he’s actually pouting.

Until Buck remembers that Josh and Chimney have gone out for beers a few times and he’s able to weasel the number from Josh.

 _Victory_.

It’s Thursday afternoon, and Buck’s phone is ringing as he makes his way up to his office, closing the door as he steps inside. He glances down at the name that lights up the screen and smiles before bringing the phone up to his ear. “Hey Eddie.”

“Buck.” He feels his face scrunch up slightly at the tone of Eddie’s voice, the lack of _actual_ greeting. He knows that tone, and he’s sure that he’s about to get scolded, so he sits down in his chair and waits. “Tell me that you didn’t actually ask Josh for Chimney’s number so that you could find out where our date is tomorrow night.”

“It’s not my fault, I told you that I'm _terrible_ at surprises but you insisted that I could wait.” Buck pauses as he drums his fingers against the hard surface of his desk. “You were wrong.”

He hears Eddie chuckle on the other end of the line and a smile stretches his face even wider. “You are really unbelievable.”

“You can save the compliments for tomorrow night. 7:00 at Rockreation?” Buck asks, and the fact that they’re going on a date to the climbing center has him excited for something new.

“Stop acting like you don’t know.” Eddie laughs again, and they disconnect a minute later.

* * *

Buck’s halfway to his Jeep when his phone rings. He glances down and sees Eddie’s name light up the screen. He swipes to answer the call. “Hey Eddie, did I get the time wrong?” Buck frowns as settles in the driver’s seat and shuts the door, attempting to replay their conversation from the day before.

“No, no. You don’t have the time wrong,” Eddie says slowly and carefully, like he’s avoiding something. It makes Buck’s gut twist anxiously.

“What’s going on?”

“I really hate to do this, Buck.” There’s a hesitance to Eddie’s voice and then he sighs. Buck cringes even before he hears Eddie continue. “I have to cancel for tonight.”

“Oh,” Buck says quietly. He’s a moron. He pushed Eddie too hard trying to get details about their date. Obviously so much so that he chose to cancel on Buck at the last minute. Not that Buck would admit it but this has been the one thing that he’s been looking forward to all week. All of the extra hours of work, all of the stress with Jayden. Now their date isn’t even going to happen. “It’s fine, no big deal,” Buck forces out the lie. It is a big deal to Buck because he let himself get too invested already.

“I’m really sorry.” It almost sounds like his apology is sincere and Buck dips his head forward, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“It’s really okay, Eddie. You don’t have to apologize. Sometimes people just don’t click and I’m not gonna lie, I wanted us to, but you don’t have to—”

“What?”

“I get it, okay?”

“I don’t think that you do," Eddie says, voice stilted. Buck opens his mouth to say something else but stops when Eddie speaks again, his voice muffled this time. “Christopher, turn that down. I’m on the phone. Sorry about that… uh, as I was trying to say, I need to _reschedule_. I— ” It’s almost as if Buck can hear the gears turning in Eddie’s mind, and he keeps his mouth clamped shut so that he doesn’t speak before Eddie’s done. “I have a son, and his sitter had to go, her husband’s sick and—”

“You have a kid?” The words slip out before Buck can stop them and he wishes that he could take them back to rephrase the question, or at least say it a bit more eloquently. He’s spent a decent amount of time with Eddie and not once has he mentioned that he’s a dad.

“I do, and I should have said something sooner. I guess it just didn’t come up in conversation yet,” he says sheepishly. “Is that something you should talk about on a fake date? _By the way_ , I’m a single dad.”

Buck swallows and is unable to slow the smile that's spreading across his face. “I guess it doesn’t really matter when you told me, only that I know now. And I love kids, so I’m glad that I know.”

Eddie chuckles. “So that’s it? You’re fine with it?” He can hear the relief in Eddie’s tone and Buck wonders what kind of people Eddie’s dated in the past that have made him not disclose something so integral about who he is. “Can we reschedule for another night?”

“What if… instead of canceling, I stopped by with dinner?”

“But Christopher—”

“Oh, is he one of those kids that doesn’t require food?” Buck smirks from where he’s sitting.

“You’d really want to come over and just… hang out with us? That isn’t really first-date worthy. I can’t ask you to do that.”

“I already told you that I’m unconventional.” Buck says as he starts up the Jeep. “I want to know the _real_ Eddie and as a single dad I think it’s safe to say that this kid of yours is a pretty big part of your life. I would love it if you’d let me learn about that part of you. But if it’s too soon, or you don’t want—”

“No.” Eddie halts Buck’s rant before he has the opportunity to really get started. “It’s not too soon, I think it is perfectly _on time_.”

* * *

An hour later Buck is ringing the doorbell at the address that Eddie texted to him. He shifts his weight anxiously from one foot to the other as he waits for him to answer. “Buck, hey,” Eddie greets him as he opens the door wider and allows Buck into his home. “Please come in.”

“Thanks.” Buck steps further into the house, toting two large takeout bags with him.

Eddie motions at the two large bags. “You do realize that I only have one kid and not a football team, right?”

Buck rolls his eyes and follows Eddie into his kitchen, lifting the bags onto the counter. “I do, but then I realized that I don’t know what he likes? So I wanted to make sure that there would be _something_ that he’ll eat. So I ordered every kid’s meal selection that they had.”

“Why didn’t you just text me?” Eddie grins at him, amusement obvious in the way that his eyes brighten.

“I… don’t know. Why are you trying to be so logical about this?” Buck huffs.

“Christopher?” Eddie calls as he walks towards the living room. “Dinner’s here and I want to introduce you to my friend, Buck.” Buck begins unloading the containers from the bag, leaving a tall stack of containers on the counter and hears an unfamiliar clicking sound that causes him to look up just in time to see an adorable boy coming into view. Buck can’t help but grin widely at him. “You must be Christopher.”

The boy nods his head hurriedly. “You brought food?”

“Correction, Buck here brought us the entire restaurant,” Eddie teases.

Buck rolls his eyes at the good-natured teasing but chooses to ignore Eddie, turning his attention instead to Christopher. “Well, I wanted to make sure I picked out something that you’d like. So you can have chicken fingers, mac and cheese, a burger or a hot dog. And fries, of course.”

“Mac and cheese _and_ chicken fingers.” Christopher cheers excitedly.

“Why don’t you pick out one for now, buddy? If you’re still hungry we can get you something else.” Eddie suggests, though the dad tone that he uses indicates that it’s not actually a suggestion.

“Okay, dad,” Christopher grumbles. “Just the chicken fingers.” Eddie’s eyes shift from Buck to the curly-haired boy before he adds, “ _please_.” Buck tries not to grin, but it’s so damn hard. This kid is cute, but somehow Eddie is able to keep a straight face. Though he’s sure that Eddie doesn’t often hear that Christopher looks like him because of their different hair and eye colors, Buck is picking up on mannerisms already that remind him so much of Eddie.

“That’s an excellent choice, chicken fingers are my favorite. And pasta is always better the second time around anyway.” Buck turns his attention away from the Diaz boys and begins to open up each of the containers until he finds the chicken fingers. Buck opens a few cupboards blindly. “Plates?”

Eddie’s hand brushes against Buck’s side as he stretches around him. “So close, you were only off by one.” Eddie grabs three plates before he holds one out to Buck, who’s busy making sure that Christopher’s taken care of. He feels Eddie’s eyes on him as he begins to plate Christopher’s dinner instead of his own, glancing up only when he hears Eddie’s voice. “I can take care of that.”

Buck shrugs, smiling at Eddie. “I’ve got it.” Sure it was different to be spending their first date with Eddie’s kid, but he wonders if this is a side of Eddie he wouldn’t have otherwise ever met.

The three of them settle at the dining room table a few minutes later. Instead of conversations about the horrible dating scene in L.A., their conversation centers around Harry Potter and Pokemon. “We’re only a hundred pages into the Sorcerer's Stone,” Christopher reports. “My friend Harry is already reading the third book.”

“Do you want to know something? That was my favorite series when I was a kid.” Buck smiles genuinely at the fact that he has somehow managed to find some sort of connection with Christopher. “I was actually around your age when my sister Maddie started reading them to me at bedtime. She ended up really loving them, too.” He hesitates for a moment before he continues. “Maddie lives all the way back in Pennsylvania so we don’t get to see each other as much now, and sometimes when I’m missing her, she’ll still read me a chapter.”

Buck glances over at Eddie who is looking at him with an expression that he can’t quite decipher. He wants to ask him if everything is alright but before Buck is able to ask him, Christopher continues, “and my dad has never read any of them.”

A dumbfounded expression crosses Buck’s face. “Like… never? Not one of them?”

“Stop acting like I’ve just murdered someone,” Eddie scoffs, pausing like he’s thinking about something before he continues. “Technically I’ve read the first 100 pages of—”

“Dad, that doesn’t count. _I_ read those pages to you.” Buck grins for the exasperated look that crosses Eddie’s face, knowing that no matter what he says, Christopher is going to win.

“How long til bedtime?” Buck asks.

Eddie glances at his watch before looking at Buck quizzically. “An hour, why?”

“I mean I don’t know what you guys have planned for the rest of the night,” Buck says cautiously, worrying that he might be overstepping with planning out their night, especially when it comes to Christopher’s nighttime routines. When Eddie smiles at him he decides that it’s okay. “I thought maybe we could read together for a while? You know, since you’re essentially a disgrace to your generation having not read the most magical series ever written.”

“Can we?” Christopher asks, looking at Buck first before his gaze slides over to Eddie for approval, his eyes wide with hope.

“Yeah, go ahead and grab the book,” Eddie instructs before watching Christopher clamber up with his crutches to get the book from his room. “We can sit on the couch and the three of us can read it together.”

Buck follows Eddie towards the couch and they both sit down, allowing enough space for Christopher in between. “A disgrace, huh?”

“If the shoe fits…” He shrugs and laughs, feeling oddly at ease here.

A few minutes later Christopher rejoins them on the couch and there’s a certain warmth that Buck feels in being able to share this intimate father-son moment with them. He feels lucky that Eddie’s let him inside their lives enough tonight to share this evening with them.

Buck has a brief moment of sadness, knowing that he never had these moments with his own father. Sometimes it hurts, the knowledge that he’ll never be able to create these moments with his dad that, unlike so many kids, he didn’t have that strong presence in his life.

Buck forces the thought away, not wanting to spend this evening upset. It’s replaced instead with nostalgia, remembering these very same words being read to him in his dimly lit bedroom decades ago, after Maddie climbed into bed beside him and he snuggled up into the security of his big sister.

He studies Christopher who’s tucked in close to Eddie’s side, taking his time as he reads the words thoughtfully, looking at Eddie a few times when he’s unable to pronounce a word. “Your voice is getting a little scratchy there, mijo. What about a break?” Eddie suggests gently.

“But I want to know what happens next,” Christopher pouts.

Eddie smiles down at Chris before kissing him affectionately on the top of his head. “I’ll take a turn reading, how about that?” Christopher grins happily as he shifts the thick book into Eddie’s lap. He looks over at Buck and winks at him, “I might need help with some of these names.”

They all laugh and Eddie shares his first time reading J.K. Rowling with them.

A little while later, Eddie announces that it’s time for Chris to head to bed. The boy says goodnight to Buck, and the two Diaz boys disappear to get him settled in bed.

Buck’s left with his thoughts and they drift to Eddie’s words from the night of their fake date. Though he’ll probably never admit it out of mere principle, he feels like he knows Eddie so much better after tonight. Not because of a conversation that they’ve had, but out of action—out of this shared experience. He sees kindness and love, and a man who would do anything for his son. Between Buck’s own past and what he’s witnessed at the community center, happiness swells in his chest knowing that there’s at least one kid out there with a dad who would give the entire world for him. A dad who loves his kid with his entire heart.

When Eddie walks back into the living room he’s carrying two beers and holds one out to Buck. “Regretting your decision to come over here tonight?” he asks as he takes a few swigs from his beer before he drops down beside Buck on the couch. They sit much closer now that they don’t have to save a spot between them for Christopher.

“Quite the opposite. I would’ve been really disappointed to miss out on tonight,” Buck admits and Eddie looks at him with surprise etched in his features Thumbing the label, his eyes settle back on Eddie. “You’re a really great dad, Eddie. Chris is a lucky kid.”

Eddie glances down, shying away from the praise. “I appreciate that, but I can’t take much credit. He makes it easy.”

“Point is, there are a lot of kids that don’t have that, a dad like you. You’re doing a really great job. I mean maybe inviting your date over was questionable decision making, but—”

The sound of Eddie’s laughter makes Buck smile and he can’t help the thought that’s worming its way into his mind: he could get used to this. “I seem to remember that my date invited himself over.”

“I’m a little fuzzy on the details,” Buck murmurs, a slight crinkle to the skin around his eyes at the easy banter that they seem to fall into often. “So is meeting your kid usually first date material by your standards?” He teases. “I had that pegged for at least the fifth date.”

He’s expecting a sarcastic response, but Eddie looks at him thoughtfully as he answers, “I haven’t introduced any romantic interest of mine to Chris… ever. You know, except for his mom, obviously.” That surprises Buck, maybe more than it should since Eddie told him that he hasn’t dated anyone seriously in years. He hopes that he hasn’t made Eddie regret letting Buck come by and meet Chris, especially after keeping his love life and his son completely separate.

“Thank you,” Buck says motioning with his bottle. “For, y'know, letting me meet Chris. He’s pretty amazing.”

“You were really great with him. Any time I’ve mentioned him on a date before, I’ve been shut down.” Eddie admits as a small chuckle slips past his lips, only it doesn’t sound amused. There’s definitely a hint of sadness there. “Clearly there’s no fun to be had once you’re a dad.”

“Being a dad doesn’t mean you stop being fun. It doesn’t mean that you stop being _you_.”

“Doesn’t it? I mean… once you’re a dad, that becomes your identity. I’m Christopher’s dad and I love being his dad, I don’t think I’d be half the man I was if it weren’t for that little boy, but that’s how most people will identify me for the rest of my life.”

“What about you? How do _you_ identify yourself?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie admits, and a silence falls between them for a few minutes, instead of feeling awkward, it feels easy. He doesn’t think Eddie’s going to elaborate anymore until he begins to speak again. “I’m a dad. I’m a firefighter. I was a medic in the Army.” Eddie lists off all of these responsibilities and roles, all of the ways that people perceive and identify Eddie. He understands the struggle to find yourself outside of that. For Buck it’s a brother, a grandson, a business owner.

“I think it’s okay to not know,” Buck finally says. “Outside of work I’m not totally sure what my identity is, either. I think that’s just part of the journey, right, discovering who you are beneath all of the labels and what everyone else perceives?”

“Yeah,” Eddie nods in agreement, a soft smile on his lips. “I guess it is.”

Maybe Eddie isn’t sure how to define himself, but Buck’s ready to find out exactly who Eddie is when all of the labels and roles fall away.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work has been a beast and since I have the editing done, you get an early chapter (so I don't forget). I hope you enjoy it!

When Eddie thinks about the night at the bar and the events afterwards, he has some regrets. He has one very specific regret that he’s thinking about now: lying to Buck. He doesn’t even know why he did it, when Eddie said those words he truly believed he’d never see Buck again. So why had impressing him even mattered?

The lie: Eddie can cook.

Eddie groans, perching his elbows on the kitchen counter as he cradles his head in his hands, in obvious suffering while he talks to Buck on speaker phone.

“It’s great, right? We both like to cook and we get to cook together, and not worry about any of the cleanup. Win-win.”

He’s going to crawl into a hole, bury himself alive, and then he’s going to die. At this point he probably deserves a slow and painful death, so he doesn’t think he’d even put up a fight. “It sounds great, Buck. I… I can’t imagine anything I’d rather do this weekend than take a cooking class with you.” Eddie _tries_ to sound enthusiastic instead of sounding like a sarcastic asshole. He loves that Buck is trying to think outside of the box and do different things he thinks Eddie will enjoy. It was Eddie’s suggestion to have dates outside of just going out to dinner that even made Buck look at other ideas. He just never considered that Buck would choose _cooking_.

“I’ll pick you up Saturday at six, okay? The class starts at seven.”

“I’ll be ready,” Eddie concedes softly. Despite the fact that he’s panicking because Buck thinks he can cook, he really is looking forward to going out with Buck again. Each time they’ve talked on the phone or spent time together on their last few dates, he’s been so at ease in Buck’s presence. As if he’s known him for far more than a couple of months.

“I can’t wait to see you again, Eddie,” Buck murmurs before groaning unhappily into the receiver. “I have a meeting in a few minutes so I’ve gotta go, but I’ll call you later, alright?”

Eddie smiles. “I can’t wait, either. I’ll talk to you tonight.” Eddie disconnects before he looks around in despair, feeling as if the entire kitchen is mocking him. How the hell is he going to teach himself how to cook in the next five days?

* * *

Eddie has a plan. He’s been watching a marathon of Food Network and Beginners Guide to Cooking videos on Youtube. It’s _basic_. Hell, Christopher can probably do most of it with some supervision. Surely Eddie can do this.

At least that’s what he told himself this morning after Abuela picked up Chris. Meanwhile, Eddie has been putting his cooking skills to the test. The results haven’t been promising.

Eddie stands in the middle of his smoke-filled kitchen, windows wide open as he hopes that the smoke alarm doesn’t go off… for the third time. The room is in complete disarray; the sink is littered with pans charred from misuse, while the garbage can is heaping with the many failed attempts at what are decidedly basic dishes. Eddie’s head swivels to the stove, looking at his most recent failure on the stove top, the chicken burnt and now forever fused to the pan.

Eddie wants to throw in the towel and give up. Chris has survived this long with Eddie’s limited cooking skills. He’s so terrible at this that it feels like a sign. Just give up, Diaz.

He wants to, but he can’t deal with the idea of being publicly humiliated in front of Buck. He carefully deposits the ruined pans into the garbage and grabs his keys.

Time for a new plan.

* * *

“Eddie,” Bobby says in surprise as he opens the door. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything is okay. I just… I need your help with something. Can I come in?” Bobby lets Eddie inside and pours them a drink before they sit at the dining room table.

“So, what can I help you with?” Bobby folds the newspaper at the table beside his coffee, where he’d clearly been reading before Eddie arrived.

Eddie thinks about how awkward this is going to be and he tries to focus on the why to get through it. Bobby has been trying to teach him how to cook at the station for no less than the past ten months and every single time, Eddie’s resisted. When possible, he came up with some excuse, any reason to do something else. He tries trading chores with Hen or Chim, cleaning the rig or doing inventory if he can find a way to pull it off. Now, here he is to plead with Bobby for help.

Eddie taps his thumb against the base of the glass before he looks over at Bobby. “Remember how every time you try to teach me to cook, I tell you that I don’t want to learn?”

There’s a twinkle in Bobby’s eye which tells Eddie he must know what’s about to happen. “Mhmm,” he murmurs. Bobby’s eyes don’t waiver from him as he waits for Eddie to spit it out.

“Well,” Eddie drops his hands into his lap before he takes a deep, steadying breath. “I need you to teach me to cook.”

“Is there a reason for the sudden change of heart?” Bobby prods, brow raised. He knew that Bobby wouldn’t just agree without asking questions— not that he _wouldn’t_ help.

“Buck and I have been dating for a few weeks. We have a date this weekend… at a cooking class, Bobby. I—” Eddie groans as he rubs his hands over his face before his eyes settle back on Bobby, who looks _so_ fucking pleased that Eddie wants to scream. “I either need to figure out how to not burn down the kitchen, or I can text you the address and you can have the rig waiting. I tried to… self teach this morning and it didn’t go well.”

“I’m guessing the cooking class was Buck’s idea and not yours,” Bobby laughs softly and he can see that he’s trying hard to keep it contained for Eddie’s benefit.. “I’d love to teach you to cook, you know that. But why didn’t you just tell Buck that you don't like cooking? I’m sure he would have chosen something he thought you’d _enjoy_.”

Eddie sighs. “Remember how I told you that I went back to his place that night at the bar?” He watches his captain nod his head. Eddie presses his lips into a tight line and seriously considers not continuing. He hisses out a breath as he steels himself for the explanation. “Well Buck made breakfast which was amazing. And he asked me if I liked to cook. I told him that I _love_ to cook.”

“You told him what now?” Bobby’s eyes twinkle with amusement as he waits for Eddie to elaborate.

“I know, I _know_ it was stupid. I don’t even know why I lied. And now it’s too embarrassing to tell him. ‘Buck, you know when you were trying to be a decent guy and I was a total jackass to you? Well, I lied and told you I could cook and the only thing I can actually make is burnt toast’. He’s _so_ excited about this weekend, and I don’t want to ruin that.” Eddie admits, pinching the bridge of his nose.

The excitement in Buck’s voice when he talked about them taking the cooking class had been the most animated and excited that he’s been since they started dating. Like he was so excited to get to share this experience with Eddie. He doesn’t want to ruin that for him.

Bobby gently taps his arm until Eddie looks across the table at him. “I’ll teach you the basics, alright? We’ll see how it goes and try cooking some dinner tonight. I can’t promise you’ll be ready for a cooking class, but I’m happy to spend the afternoon working on it.”

So the lesson begins and Bobby is _in his glory_. He teaches Eddie the basics, down to correct measurements and how many tablespoons are in a cup. Bobby teaches him the terminology, and now Eddie is practicing his knife skills. Who knew that there were so many different ways to cut something? Slicing, chopping, mincing, dicing; it’s like learning an entirely new language. A language that Eddie isn’t fluent in, and he hates it. “Like this?” Eddie asks, stopping the movement of the knife as he looks up at Bobby.

“You don’t have to be so choked up on the knife. Loosen your grip a little. Relax,” Eddie tries not to sigh in frustration, but he feels the tightness in his shoulders and it’s like he knows this is going to be a total failure. They haven’t even turned on the stove yet and he can’t get a simple dice right. How the hell is he ever going to be able to pull this off? “Tell me about Buck.”

Eddie relaxes his grip and smiles as he looks down at the pepper that he’s dicing. “On our first date Carla had to cancel because Howard was sick. So I called Buck to reschedule and told him that I was a single dad. He… _didn’t care_.” Eddie’s voice softens, eyes remaining fixed on the cutting board and knife as he continues to work with the knife, determined to leave Bobby’s with all of his fingers intact. “He insisted on coming over and brought us dinner. We spent most of the evening on the couch reading Harry Potter with Chris. I’ve never met someone like him before, Bobby.” Eddie says, setting down the knife and turning his attention to the older man.

“Much better,” Bobby motions to the pepper. “It sounds like you’ve made it further with Buck than you have with anyone since Shannon. This is the first time since you joined the 118 that you’ve actually talked about someone you’re dating. I’m guessing it’s also the first time that you’ve let someone meet Chris.”

“He’s different, y’know? I don’t want to mess this up. I just can’t believe I told him I could cook,” he groans as he remembers the reason that he’s standing in Bobby’s kitchen to begin with.

“Neither can I.”

The conversation slips back into Bobby instructing Eddie what to do and he practices mincing. Once Bobby is comfortable that Eddie’s got that down, he pulls out a few pans and tells Eddie that they’re going to practice sauteing the vegetables. “You know for someone who claims that they can’t cook anything and that they’re a lost cause in the kitchen, you’re actually a pretty quick learner,” Bobby observes, watching as Eddie turns on the burner before placing the sauté pan on the burner.

Eddie’s brow furrows as he remains focused on the task at hand. “I don’t think I’ve ever been called that, especially in the kitchen.” He listens to the vegetables sizzle in the hot pan, glancing up at Bobby.

“Did you help much in the kitchen when you were a kid?” Eddie knows that Bobby is just trying to drum up conversation, preventing complete silence as they work as if he can see that Eddie is going to get lost in his own thoughts. He appreciates the distraction, it keeps him from completely overthinking everything that he’s doing because he’s surely doing it all wrong.

 _That’s why we leave the cooking to the women_. Eddie nearly cringes as he remembers his dad’s words, his voice reminding Eddie where his place is.

“Uh, not really,” Eddie says distractedly, his eyes glued to the pan as if he’s afraid that it’s going to burst into flames if he so much as looks away. “I mean, you’ve seen how much I hate it.”

Bobby hums in response to Eddie’s words. “Do you though?” He asks carefully, stepping closer and gripping the handle of the sauté pan, showing Eddie how to toss them in the pan without using the spatula.

“I’m not sure what you mean. You’ve seen me when I have to help in the kitchen at the firehouse. The end result is always disastrous.” Eddie thinks of the few burnt meals that he’s had a hand in preparing, remembers the less than enthusiastic response from the rest of the team anytime that Bobby has him help. Bobby always urges him to try. Eddie knows that Bobby uses their downtime doing chores to check in on them, mainly because Bobby is way more to the 118 than just a captain.

“I don’t know,” Bobby shrugs at his explanation as if he’s not convinced. “Like I said, it seems like you’re a fast learner. I’m just a little surprised that you weren’t a permanent fixture in your grandmother’s kitchen when you were a kid.”

”It’s not really what was expected.” The honest response slips past his lips and Eddie finds himself grimacing around the words. It’s not that it’s some big secret that he’s not able to tell anyone. Yet Eddie likes to keep his family—aside from Abuela, Pepa and Christopher— a part of his past. Sealed away back in El Paso, safely away from the life that he’s built for himself here with his found family.

“What’s that mean?” Bobby asks. When he sees that the vegetables are done, he removes the pan from the heat and turns off the burner. At Bobby’s suggestion they take a short break and he explains that they’ll practice a few more skills before they start prepping dinner for later on. Which, if he’s being honest, Eddie is terrified that he’s going to butcher. The last thing that he needs is to ruin their dinner. He doesn’t want to be responsible for making Athena go hungry.

Eddie presses his lips into a flat line as he tries to think of a way to sum up his childhood relationship with cooking. “The men in my family aren’t really expected to work in the kitchen. The cooking and the cleaning was always left for the women and it was more expected that I’d help my dad with odd projects, fixing up the truck, and home repairs. It was just never seen as a useful skill to have.”

“But you wanted to?”

“A couple of times,” Eddie concedes, trying to make it seem smaller than it is. He’d only brought it up a couple of times, but Eddie couldn’t remember the number of times that he ached to be in the kitchen with them, hearing the laughter floating out to him and his father from inside the warmth of the kitchen. “When I was little.”

Eddie can feel the way that Bobby’s eyes are boring into him, as if he’s carefully evaluating and dissecting his words. “You know just because that’s how things were when you were a kid, it doesn’t mean that’s the way that things need to be now. It’s not too late to learn.”

Eddie feels himself chuckle. Not because Bobby is terribly wrong but maybe because he’s _right_. Not that Eddie is planning to become a chef anytime soon, but learning basic skills could be helpful, if nothing else. Maybe then he won’t nearly burn down his kitchen every time he attempts to cook a family meal for himself and Christopher.

Eddie isn’t sure how Bobby’s able to scratch past the surface and know what he can do to help, but he does it every time without fail.

He’s reminded again of just how lucky he is to have found his way to the 118 when he settled in Los Angeles. How different would his life be now if he’d chosen a different station to join?

After Bobby seems satisfied with his knife and other prep work skills, he tells Eddie that they’re going to make an actual dish, Chicken Parmesan for dinner. They head back into the kitchen and Eddie walks over to the cupboards, opening them and then closing them. “What’re you looking for?” Bobby asks.

“The sauce.”

“The sauce?” Bobby parrots, and it’s not so much the words that he’s spoken, but rather his tone that makes Eddie turn around. When he pivots around, Bobby has a dumbfounded look on his face and Eddie feels leaden under his gaze.

“I know I must have said something stupid, because you’re looking at me like _that_.” Eddie continues, “I just don’t know where you keep the sauce.”

Bobby leans back against the counter as he watches Eddie, crossing his arms over his chest. His lips turn upward into the hint of a smile as he watches Eddie. “So you’re looking for pasta sauce from a jar right now.”

“I feel like I’m supposed to say something other than yes to this question.”

Finally, Bobby laughs before he steps closer and gently sets a hand on his shoulder. “You’re not going to find the pasta sauce in the cupboard, Eddie. We’re going to make it.”

Eddie has no idea what making sauce actually entails but what he does know is that he’s nowhere near ready for it.

* * *

Eddie feels a little better about his date with Buck since his crash course in cooking with Bobby but he’s not confident. Bobby made it a point to have Eddie practice every shift since he showed up on the other man’s doorstep asking for help, promising him that practice makes perfect. And while some things are getting easier, he knows that he’s still a rotten cook.

He doesn’t know what they’ll be cooking tonight so who knows if asking for Bobby’s help was even worth it. When the doorbell rings and he opens it to find Buck on the other side, he smiles immediately. “Buck,” Eddie’s eyes sweep over him appreciatively, “you look great.”

“Thanks Eddie,” Buck smiles under his praise. “I’m a few minutes early, so we can either head down there early, or we can—”

“I have other ideas to kill the next fifteen minutes,” Eddie grins playfully, using Buck as a distraction from his nerves about the cooking class. Buck comes inside, closing the door behind himself, and traps Eddie in the corner a moment later.

“Oh? What kind of ideas?” Buck doesn’t give Eddie a chance to respond. He grabs Eddie’s face in both hands and presses his hips forward into Eddie. Buck’s tongue drags slow against Eddie’s lips, nibbling on his bottom lip as he withdraws.

Buck moves to take a step back, but instead Eddie circles his arms around his lower back, anchoring him in place. “It hasn’t been fifteen minutes yet.” Buck grins down at Eddie, dipping his head down to leave several soft kisses against his bottom lip.

“So greedy,” Buck teases.

Eddie’s attempt at distracting Buck only works for so long. Right on cue, Buck withdraws from Eddie and tells him they’d better get going before they’re late. Eddie immediately misses the warmth of Buck pressed up against him, both soft lips and hard muscle.

After Eddie locks the door, he feels Buck’s hand resting against the small of his back, guiding him to the Jeep. Eddie can’t remember when he’s ever felt so cared for by someone. He offers an intimate smile and Buck places a kiss on Eddie's temple, waiting for him to get inside before he steps around to the driver’s side.

It’s a short while later when they arrive at the building where the cooking class will be taking place. Eddie’s surprised with the size of it. There are five other couples there, and Eddie sits next to Buck, his leg bouncing anxiously. He feels a large hand on his knee, then a gentle squeeze that causes Eddie to still the nervous movement. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” Eddie murmurs, turning to place a kiss against Buck’s jaw as they wait for the instructor to get started. He really needs to pull it together if he expects Buck to have a good time, and that’s the whole point, isn’t it?

“Alright, we’re gonna go ahead and get started since it looks like everyone is here. For those of you who haven’t been to the previous classes in this series, my name is Cindy Freeland and I’m the head chef over at Mateo’s. Before I became a chef, right after culinary school, I spent a year in France and it’s one of my favorite places to eat. So, tonight we’re going to make traditional French crepes with strawberries and whipped topping, mainly because they make me feel nostalgic.”

“Did… she just say we’re making _craps_ with strawberries?” Eddie chokes out. Buck snorts a laugh but tries to keep it together, doing his best to listen to Cindy as she explains that all of the ingredients they need are already at their labeled stations. She goes over the simple steps for cooking the crepes, explains the steps for hulling the strawberries, and lastly for making the whipped topping from scratch.

“You’re a mess, you know that?” Buck whispers out a laugh once everyone leaves their seats and walks over to their stations, his eyes shining with mirth. _Please let Buck make the crepes,_ Eddie pleads silently as they walk over to their station. “How about this? Since I made breakfast last time, I think it’s only fair that you do the cooking this time, so I can try your cooking. I’ll start hulling the strawberries.”

 _Perfect_.

They take turns washing their hands at the station, which gives Eddie a moment to collect himself. “It definitely sounds fair,” _but also like a terrible life decision_. Eddie eyes the bowl of crepe batter and he wonders if he glares at it long enough, if it will get tired being under his scrutiny and just jump into the pan and cook itself. Sadly, that doesn’t happen. He feels his palms getting tacky as nervousness overwhelms him and resists the urge to rub them off on his jeans.

He deals with high pressure situations every day on the job, he’s fought his way through war zones and struggled to say alive. Yet it’s the thought of cooking a glorified pancake that’s close to sending Eddie into a panic. He breathes out a slow breath as he approaches the stove. He can do this. It’s going to be _just fine_.

“You alright?” Buck asks with a worried set to his expression, watching Eddie as he stands unmoving in front of the stove.

Eddie realizes that him standing in front of the stove like a deer caught in headlights must be why Buck is asking, so he forces a smile. “I’m… _great_ ,” he lies.

He turns back to the stove and lets out a steadying breath, setting the pan on the burner and turning it on as he waits for the pan to heat up before he can add the butter, like Cindy instructed. After a minute he lifts the pan from the burner and scoops a generous portion of batter into the pan, attempting to swirl the pan like she demonstrated earlier, only it’s not going well and looks nothing like her demonstration. “Shit,” he mumbles under his breath. There’s too much batter and it’s making a mess around the edges which causes Eddie’s panic to return tenfold. He’s going to fuck this up and Buck is going to leave hungry.

Buck peers up from hulling strawberries. “Cindy said the first one is always the worst,” he says encouragingly. “If there’s too much batter you can pour it back into the bowl.”

_Duh._

Eddie rolls his eyes at his lack of common sense, then pours the excess batter back into the bowl. He carefully sets the pan back on top of the burner, drumming his thumb against his thigh, itching to flip it already. He picks up the rubber spatula.

“Don’t do it,” Buck says in a sing-song voice and Eddie can’t help but laugh. “You’re going to mutilate it completely if you try to flip it.”

Buck’s not wrong and Eddie knows it. “How’s your incredibly challenging job going over there?” Eddie asks, glancing away from his turmoil in the pan long enough to catch Buck’s gaze.

“Almost done hulling.” Buck says as his eyes remain on him, even as Eddie turns his attention back to the pan. “Which means I’ll have nothing to do but watch my date cook.”

Eddie doesn’t dislike the idea of Buck watching him, but he does dislike the idea of Buck watching him while he _cooks_. He uses the edge of the spatula to make sure all of the corners are loose. The instructor had suggested that they use their fingers instead of the spatula, but Eddie’s sure that he can’t pull that off and that he’s going to end up in the hospital if he tries. So he tries the spatula and the end result isn’t pretty. He bites back a curse at the stupid pancake imposter, and resists the urge to fling the spatula across the room.

He feels Buck’s presence beside him. “So the bad news is that one’s not going to make the cut. The good news is now you know what _not_ to do.” Eddie forces a low chuckle, then flings the crepe in the garbage. Buck’s lips brush Eddie’s in a barely there kiss, and Eddie wishes he could just take Buck somewhere and kiss him instead of trying to do _this_ for him. Kissing he can do, but it’s becoming evident that he cannot cook crepes.

“Now cook,” Buck teases, “I’m hungry.”

“Alright, take two,” Eddie says. The second attempt doesn’t go much better, though this time he at least estimates the right amount of batter to pour into the pan. Eddie starts loosening the edges too soon, causing it to tear. _That’s it,_ Eddie thinks, Buck’s going to starve and it’s all his fault. As he flings the second failed crepe in the garbage he sees Buck watching him. “Don’t say it.”

Buck raises his eyebrows with an innocent look on his face. Too innocent. “Don’t say what?”

Eddie sighs and turns back to the stove. “Nothing.”

He feels Buck’s presence behind him before resting his chin on Eddie’s shoulder. “Doesn’t seem like nothing.” Eddie’s eyes close for a moment as he inhales Buck’s scent. The solid frame behind him draws Eddie out of his downward spiral, obsessing about his complete failure on this date so far. “Let’s try one together, to get you started?”

Eddie’s so grateful he could cry, though that would just add to his embarrassment. He glances around at the other couples and notices that the majority of them have at least a few successful crepes already. “I have no complaints,” he says and primes the pan with a light coating of butter. Eddie lifts the pan up off of the burner as Buck pours the batter in. Eddie tilts the pan, attempting to get the batter to coat the entire thing. He feels Buck hand wrap around his, helping him to swirl the pan fluidly until the batter covers the bottom.

“So, what do you usually like to cook?” Buck asks and Eddie’s glad that he’s already put the pan down or he probably would have dropped it. He doesn’t want to lie to Buck now, and he doesn’t want to admit that he lied to him before.

“I don’t really _have_ a favorite thing to cook,” he says vaguely.

“Crepes probably aren’t going to make the list, are they?” Buck’s laugh vibrates in his chest and it must be contagious because Eddie finds himself laughing too. Eddie reaches for the spatula.

“I swear to God, Eddie, if you flip that crepe right now…”

“ You’ll do what?”

“You won’t get a goodnight kiss.”

Eddie turns with spatula in hand, pointing it at Buck with narrowed eyes. “Are you being serious right now?”

Buck smirks at Eddie before lazily shrugging his shoulder. “You could flip it now and find out later. Or, you could wait and we could end up with a crepe that doesn’t have the fate of being flung into the trash.”

Eddie looks at him unamused. “You know, I don’t think that you would actually do that because that’s just punishing yourself, really.”

“Now,” Buck says slowly in a sweeping motion towards the pan, “it’s ready.” Eddie turns back to the pan, and he hears what Buck is saying but he’s also terrified that he’s somehow going to botch this attempt, even with Buck’s guidance. He loosens the crepe around the edges before he gently pinches the crepe and flips it over with his hand. The temptation to whoop is there but he settles on grinning at Buck. “Alright, so now that you’ve got that under control, I’ll start on the whipped topping.”

Cindy stops over at their table a little while later. “How’s it going over here?”

“A rough start, but we’ve got it.” Eddie assures her as he moves the crepe onto a plate, then proceeds to cover it with the provided towel to keep it warm. None of the crepes come out _perfect_ , but the fact that Eddie’s able to cook six of them that are all edible is a bigger accomplishment than he’ll ever admit.

Buck helps Eddie plate the crepes and they top them with the sliced strawberries and whipped topping. “Let’s go sit.” He motions over to the table where they’ll be able to sit down. Most of the other couples are almost done eating, but since it took Eddie a while to get used to cooking the crepes, they’re a little behind schedule.

Cindy stops over at the table once they’re seated. “Class is done in another couple of minutes, but I know you boys haven’t had the chance to eat yet,” she pauses as they both look up at her. “If you don’t mind eating while I’m cleaning everything else up you’re welcome to stay and eat them or we can pack them up for you to go.”

Eddie is really bad at not being in control and this entire evening has been a display of his utter lack of control. He hesitates to respond, glancing at Buck first. “We’ll stay and eat them, as long as you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. You know we don’t usually get many new cooks in here or couples that don’t _love_ to cook. It was really nice to see you work through it.” Cindy smiles warmly at them before she steps away to announce that the class is over and leaves them to eat.

Buck cuts into the crepe before he takes a bite, looking at Eddie closely. “I wonder which one of us she thinks is a new cook,” Buck teases him.

Eddie takes a bite of his crepe and rolls his eyes since it’s been more than obvious that Buck is way more experienced in the kitchen than he is. “I may not be _very_ experienced at cooking.”

“You said that you _liked_ cooking.”

Eddie looks at Buck and sets down his fork. He knew it would only be a matter of time before they talked about this, so they may as well get it over with. “I know what I said.”

Buck takes another bite, watching him closely. “Why would you say that you loved to cook if you don’t?”

“I don’t really know. I guess I just wanted to impress you.” Eddie sighs, glancing down at his plate. When he hears the other man’s laughter his head snaps up, narrowing his eyes. “Why are you laughing at that?”

“It’s just that… you couldn’t leave my loft fast enough. Why were you trying to _impress_ me when you were leaving in such a rush?”

He feels his cheeks flush under Buck’s question, his steady gaze only causing the flush to spread. Eddie knows he made a lot of mistakes that night, lying to Buck about being able to cook and then leaving as though any moment of that night was meaningless were at the top of the list. He hadn’t been able to deal with his feelings at the time, and the least that he could do was be honest with Buck now. “ I really liked you but after we slept together, I just thought…I thought that ruined whatever this could be.”

The way that Buck smiles at his words helps to ease the tension out of Eddie’s shoulders while the flush and heat that was spreading over his skin fades. That smile makes him feel like maybe Buck isn’t angry at him for the white lie and he’s thankful for that. “Well, you’ll have to try a little harder than that if you want to ruin this.”

Eddie chuckles as they finish with their crepes, which were surprisingly edible—thanks to Buck’s guidance—and brings their dishes over to Cindy. “Thank you for the lesson, it was great,” Eddie smiles at her, “can we help you clean up?”

“Absolutely not. Besides, I’m almost done.”

“We loved the class so much, Eddie was just saying how he can’t wait to come back for the next one. Do you have a schedule?”

While Eddie squints at Buck for this blatant lie, Cindy smiles brightly at the question before drying her hands. She walks over to the area that she used for her demonstration earlier before handing the paper to Buck.

“It’s every other Friday night. There are still five more classes in the series and if you sign up for them all, you get a discount.”

“Oh, we definitely want to get the discount. Thanks again,” Buck waves before they head out.

“We want the discount, do we?” Eddie laughs as he grabs hold of Buck’s hand and laces their fingers together.

“Consider it punishment for your lies.”

“Lie. It was one teeny, tiny lie. But I am sorry that I lied in the first place.” Eddie stops walking once they reach the Jeep, letting go of Buck’s hand.

“I forgive you.” Buck leans in and brushes a quick strawberry-flavored kiss against Eddie’s lips before he adds, “no more lies.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barely posted this in time to wish those of you celebrating a Merry Christmas (it's still Christmas for 11 more minutes in my timezone, anyway). I hope that you're all staying safe & healthy. We are officially halfway! I hope you enjoy it.

Buck stretches out on the couch balancing his laptop on top of his leg as he skims over his emails. He’s been trying to work less on his downtime, trying to turn things over to his staff a little more, and trying to not be in control all the damn time. Clearly there’s still room for improvement since it’s 9 pm and he’s opening up his laptop to work again.

It’s Thursday and he always loses a bit of his day because of the time he has set aside for Jayden. Things have been rougher with him over the past few weeks and Buck’s truly been at a loss as to what more he can actually do to help. He felt like they were making so much progress until his mom’s arrest, and now? It’s like the only thing he knows how to do to protect himself is to lash out and be angry, and Buck feels helpless.

He knows that he’s been distracted with Eddie and maybe he just hasn’t been able to find the right solutions to help because it hasn’t been his sole focus.

He sees an email from Maddie and opens it up. It’s about the recent grant applications that Josh sent over for review and they were all approved. He sends a quick response before moving on to the next email.

His cell phone rings on the couch next to him and he glances at it briefly, seeing Maddie’s face light up the screen. He chooses to ignore the call and figures he’ll get through at least a few more emails before he calls Maddie back.

Buck is about to open an email from Sam when he sees a new email come in and the subject line is all in caps: _ANSWER YOUR PHONE_.

Buck glances at the phone on the couch that has stopped ringing. As if on cue, the phone begins ringing again and he laughs before swiping to accept the call. “Hey, Mads.”

“Don’t you ‘Hey Mads’ me when you _just_ ignored my phone call.”

“I wasn’t _ignoring_ you I was—”

“Working? Time to pack up the laptop for the night, Evan.” She finishes for him with a laugh. He’s heard this speech before and rolls his eyes a little. He works too hard, and while he needs to be focused, he also needs to find life outside of work. “Anyway, the reason that I called is because we’re going to be coming to Los Angeles.”

“We?”

“Gram, Gramps and I,” Maddie says, “Next week.”

“Really?” Buck beams. He knows that there are a lot of people who hate when their family comes into town. Usually it’s Buck going to the east coast and not them coming to L.A. Whether or not they’re coming for business, Buck’s excited to see the three of them. “I can’t wait for it. But can you at least give me a heads up as to whether this is a social call or a business call? I need to know which Buckleys I’m dealing with when you get off of the plane.”

Maddie laughs quietly on the other end of the line. “I am _hurt_ that you need me to tell you. We can be both.”

“If you say so,” Buck teases.

“Anyway, how are things going with Eddie?”

“Um, they’re really great actually.” There’s an air of incredulity to Buck’s voice as he says it because as surprised as everyone else in his life has been about his relationship, nobody’s more surprised about how well things have been going than Buck himself. It’s been two years since his sister has asked him how things are going with someone. “He’s really great.”

* * *

Buck knows that he's only been dating Eddie for a little over a month and a half now, but it's hard to remember what his days were like without Eddie to break up the endless cycle of work. Only a couple of months ago, he would work at the office, head home, and then continue working there until he went to bed. Having someone to spend his time with, to find meaning outside of work, has been nice.

Buck was surprised when Eddie chose for them to go to dinner, but it brought a smile to his face that maybe he was turning the corner about what he considered could be classified as a date. Eddie planned the date and is picking Buck up at his loft. When Buck pulls open the door and takes in the sight of his boyfriend on the other side he immediately frowns. "Eddie?" His forehead creases as he steps aside so that Eddie can come in.

"Sorry I'm a few minutes late," he says by way of an apology. Buck frowns as he looks over Eddie. It doesn't even look like he's been home since work, still wearing a snugly fit navy LAFD shirt. Eddie has a bandage wrapped around his arm, covering his wrist to elbow. It's not even the bandage on his arm that has Buck worrying the most, it's the tight set to Eddie's jaw, the nearly imperceptible hunch to his shoulders that has Buck wondering if everything is okay.

"I'm not worried about you being a few minutes late," Buck says softly. "Are you okay?"

Eddie reaches out his good hand for Buck's and squeezes gently as he gives Buck the extra reassurance. "I'm okay. Why don't we get going? We can talk later." Eddie’s voice is leveled, nearly monotone as he speaks. He doesn’t seem like he has it in him to pretend that he’s okay, and he averts Buck’s gaze for a moment.

Buck hesitates. He doesn't want to wait. He wants to talk about this now. He needs to know what happened to cause Eddie's expression to be so tight, for him to feel so hollow, like there’s no foundation and he could crumble at any moment. It feels like Eddie is withdrawing and it sends an ache through him. "I'm sure the burgers can wait." Buck says as he steps closer to, placing a gentle kiss against Eddie’s cheek before brushing his thumb over it. "I'm really not worried about food right now. I'm worried about you."

He watches Eddie's Adam's apple bob as he swallows, his eyes fluttering closed at the intimate brush of Buck’s lips against his cheek. "I know you want to talk about this, and we will. I'm okay, I just... need a minute."

"Fine," Buck relents with a quiet but unhappy sigh, thumb resting against the curve of Eddie’s jaw as he watches him closely. "But we're going to talk about this tonight." Eddie agrees and they let the conversation die as they leave Buck's place and hop into Eddie's truck.

As Eddie drives, he looks over at Buck every so often. Despite the overwhelming desire to know what happened Buck stopped asking what happened after they left for dinner, trying to give Eddie the space that he asked for.

Instead, his hand rests on Eddie's thigh, a physical reminder that he's here with him, that whatever he’s struggling with isn’t his alone to deal with.

"The last call that we had today... it was rough." Eddie's eyes are trained ahead of him as he waits for the light to change at the intersection. "It was a house fire and there were two kids that were left inside. The calls with kids are always a little harder, and the house was practically an inferno when we got there. We knew that we wouldn't have a lot of time to get them out.

"Bobby sent us in and we started doing a sweep, trying to locate these _kids_." Eddie sighs as he pulls into the parking lot of the burger joint. Buck feels like Eddie's getting ready to open up, to tell him what happened; how he got hurt and why he’s so upset. "Anyway..." Eddie trails off as he pulls into a parking spot, puts the truck in park and reaches over to unbuckle his seatbelt. It’s as though Buck can feel the air around them shift in that moment, like Eddie is going to close right back up.

"Hang on," Buck says and gently places his hand on top of Eddie's to stop him. "What if... we just get it from the drive-through? We can eat in the truck and maybe talk some more?"

"Every time I'm supposed to take you out it gets screwed up somehow," Eddie grumbles, looking down at the steering wheel. Buck reaches out for Eddie's hand, moving his thumb over the back of it. He knows that Eddie wants him to have a nice time and treat him to dinner at his favorite burger place, but seeing Eddie like this makes it impossible for Buck to focus on anything else. He needs to know what happened so he can understand what's going on in Eddie’s head.

"Eddie, a relationship is about more than just going out on dates. I'd rather just sit and talk with you tonight, if that's okay?" He looks over at Eddie and notices that his eyes are still downcast. Buck unbuckles and shifts in the passenger seat of the truck, reaching out and taking Eddie's face in both of his hands. "I just want to spend time with you, okay? Please."

It’s the truth. Being with Eddie isn’t about competing for who picks the most fun date, it’s about being there with him.

Finally, Eddie’s eyes flutter shut and he barely nods. Buck’s thankful that he doesn't argue and leans forward to place a chaste kiss at the corner of Eddie's mouth. His eyes open and rest on Buck. The sadness he sees there breaks his heart. "I don't know what I've done to be lucky enough to have someone like you in my life." Eddie's thumb brushes against Buck's jawline before he withdraws it.

"Yeah? Well, you can tell me all about it later tonight."

They order their dinners and Eddie parks the truck in the almost empty parking lot. He faces the truck towards the road so that they can watch the cars drive by and Buck leans over to place a kiss against Eddie's lips. When Eddie’s eyes open, Buck feels his breath catch because of the somber expression on Eddie's face.

It reminds him of just how badly Eddie needs to talk about this.

Buck's hand squeezes his boyfriend's hand. "Can we talk about the call earlier?"

Eddie pulls his hand away and Buck tries not to frown as he withdraws. He knows that whatever happened today must have been bad and it seems to have sent Eddie spiraling into his own headspace. In the time that he's been seeing Eddie, he's never seen him act this way. Never seen him draw away so much that even his smile seems like a ghost of the happiness that he usually finds there. Buck wants to press but instead busies himself putting the straws in their drinks and opening the takeout bag. He pops a fry into his mouth and does his best to not suffocate Eddie by asking a thousand questions.

Buck can't help but wonder if Eddie’s managed to avoid tough calls since the two of them have been dating or if somehow he’s just been able to mask it until now.

"I'm not always great at talking about things," Eddie admits, his voice quieter than before. He reaches over before taking a sip of his drink and Buck wonders if he’s seeking the courage in there to talk. "The call with the kids today... _anytime_ we have calls with kids it's harder because I think of Christopher. It’s always important to get someone back to their family but when it’s a kid… I don’t know. You’re responsible for returning a parent’s entire world to them. They’ll never recover if we don’t bring back their kid. It just makes the situation that much more critical to get them out, to get them back to their parents and their families. Most of the time, we do."

Buck hears the unspoken words in the air and his heart suddenly feels leaden. Eddie’s sadness is palpable and, now that Buck doesn’t have his seatbelt on, he can easily angle his body closer. He reaches over the center console, fingers barely brushing over Eddie's bicep.

"We were able to find one of the two little girls, but the building wasn't stable and it was collapsing so they pulled us out when we were only halfway done with the sweep. I barely made it out with the younger girl who was only four, but the two girls somehow got separated and—" Eddie 's voice breaks at the end, as though saying the words causes him physical pain. He swallows hard as shattered eyes full of regret slide over to Buck, finally blinking and knocking the tears loose.

"Eddie," Buck whispers, his thumb brushing gently over Eddie's arm. It isn't very often that Buck struggles with the right words to say. In his job, he needs to know the right things to say: in meetings with his employees, with members and families from the center, from all of the people investing in his company. But right now he's at a loss as he watches Eddie falling apart in front of him.

"I couldn't save her sister. It was my job and I—" Eddie glances down, away from Buck's gaze and he feels his heart fracture a little bit more. "It wasn't enough. _I_ wasn't enough."

"You did everything in your power to save her.” Buck says, his voice steady. “I know you did, Eddie, and I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like when you've done all that you can possibly do and you still lose them."

He squeezes the back of Eddie's neck gently, letting him know that he’s here and that this can be his safe place, his fingers moving in a slow soothing movement, nails scraping against Eddie’s scalp.

Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose as he tries to pull it together but Buck can see him fraying, all of his seams coming loose. He tries to draw him closer over the console but he isn't able to bring him close enough. Instead, Buck gets out and walks around to the other side of the truck, pulling the driver’s side door open wordlessly. His arms are around Eddie before he has the chance to react, pulling him from his seat into Buck’s strong arms. "It's okay... _shhh_ ," he soothes, running a hand up and down his back while the other settles back against his neck. "It's okay."

"I'm sorry," Eddie whispers when he's able to pull himself together enough to speak, brushing the tears from his cheeks as he sniffles.

"Don't be," Buck tells him. "I'm not."

"Thank you," Eddie says instead. Buck smiles and his thumb traces the curve of Eddie's jaw before kissing his forehead tenderly. He holds Eddie in his arms for a little bit longer before they both climb back into the truck and eat their lukewarm dinner.

It takes Eddie a few minutes after they finish eating to begin talking again. “Bobby had already called over the radio for all of us to pull back and get out. But there were only another couple of doors at the end of the hallway, so instead of following orders I went in the opposite direction to the next door. They didn’t realize I’d gone the other way at first, so I tried to breach the door myself and that’s how I strained my arm,” Eddie explains.

“I’ve obviously known that you were a firefighter since the day that we met,” Buck says as he glances over at Eddie, “since the fire at the highrise. It was _one_ day of my life, one terrifying awful day and I guess what happened today makes me realize that it wasn’t just one day for you. This is what you do every day. You put yourself on the line and risk it all, including your own heart.” Buck slides a hand over, palm up so that Eddie can take his hand and he slots their fingers together as he squeezes. “I just want you to remember that you don’t have to carry all of it alone.”

* * *

Eventually, they end up back at Eddie's place and their limbs are intermingled on the couch, with the exception of Eddie’s arm which is propped up, Eddie using Buck as an oversized pillow. "Hey, Eddie?" Eddie hums but barely lifts his head from Buck's chest, urging him to continue. "My grandparents are coming into town next week. I, uh, was wondering if you might want to meet them and my sister while they're here in L.A., and I know it’s kind of soon so if you don’t want to I totally understand."

Eddie smiles and perks up a little on the couch. "Of course I want to, you said they were really important to you. I'd really like to meet them."

"I may not have really given you the _complete_ picture of my relationship with them." It isn't because he doesn't trust Eddie with the truth, but it's complicated and sometimes exhausting to explain. He feels Eddie shift at his words and offers a small smile. When Eddie is looking at him again, he takes a deep breath, steeling himself before he finally says, "my grandparents, they raised me and Maddie."

Buck watches a few emotions flit across Eddie's features. He seems unsure, like he doesn't know if he should be pressing Buck for more information or just waiting for him to share whatever he wants about his childhood. Eddie shifts to let Buck sit up more, finally conceding to his curiosity. "What about your parents?"

"They became parents when that was the last thing that either of them wanted or were prepared for. I was only a few years old when they left. Gram and Gramps took us in and they did everything in their power to give us the best childhood to make up for what we didn’t have."

"Your parents… are they still around?"

Buck smiles at Eddie reassuringly, hearing the trepidation in his voice. "The last time I saw them, I was four. After they left, they kept in touch and visited for the first year after leaving. For Christmas that year, at least. It wasn't easy when I was a kid but even less because I missed my parents and mostly because I saw Maddie struggle. I was younger, only two when they first left so I don't even remember much about them, not really."

"Buck," Eddie's voice is strained. When he looks over at Eddie it's clear that he's struggling to force the words out, pain evident in his eyes."So they just... abandoned you?"

"It could have been worse,” Buck says, tracing his fingers along Eddie’s arm. “My grandparents were everything we needed growing up. I mean, it was always a little hard to not have our _actual_ parents in the picture. Mother's and Father's Day or when there was a father-daughter dance, were always a little bit hard because it always made us feel different from the other kids." He smiles sadly for a moment, "It was always a lot easier for me than it was for Maddie since I was so little when they left. She had a hard time after they left because she kinda understood it more than me, y'know?"

Buck glances over at Eddie who seems to have completely lost his ability to speak and Buck wonders if he's made a mistake in telling Eddie about his own baggage. Or at least made a mistake in telling him _tonight_ , after the day that Eddie's had. Maybe the information is too much.

He's silent as he studies Eddie, trying to decide if he should say anything else or just let Eddie process what Buck’s already shared with him. "I— _we_ can stop talking about this. I'm sorry. I just thought it would be a good chance to bring it up since they'll be here next week. But this is too much, too soon—"

"No. _Please_ ," Eddie urges him gently. Despite his words, Eddie's eyes are red-rimmed and Buck feels his stomach tighten at Eddie’s obvious empathy for his situation. "I want to hear as much as you want to tell me. It just took me by surprise," Eddie promises, as though to prove his point, he takes Buck's hand in his own, lacing their fingers together as he brushes his lips against Buck's knuckles.

Buck sighs quietly at the feeling, relief washing over him and feeling the tension drain out of him. Aside from Josh, he'd never really shared too much information about his past and his parents. Yet, he finds himself wanting to share all of it with Eddie.

"They were never _great_ parents so it wasn't like we lost this great thing that we had all along. My dad was never around, he was always away on business or choosing anything other than spending time with us. And my mom just... couldn't be bothered, even though she was physically there. The choices they were making were affecting us, especially Maddie. So my grandparents suggested to David and Rachel that they take over permanent custody of us while they figured things out and set their priorities straight.

"It turns out that they did figure out their priorities and being parents to us just wasn't one of them. I guess that's why I connect with the kids at the center so much. I see a lot of myself and Maddie when we were kids in some of them. I know how much of a difference a place like that can make, what a difference the adults that _choose_ to be there can make. Some days, I wonder if it's enough or if there’s more I can be doing."

Eddie runs his thumb up and down the length of Buck's finger, his eyes settling on the movement. "A lot of people, especially after having a harder childhood—a _different_ one—really lash out and struggle. Instead, you take everything that you experienced and use it to make a difference every day."

"Don't sing my praises yet," Buck chuckles low, slouching down and resting his head against Eddie’s shoulder. "You didn't ask how I was as a teenager."

“I’m sure you gave them a run for their money,” Eddie concedes with a quiet laugh, brushing a light kiss against Buck’s knuckles. Stretching out his long legs, Buck draws Eddie closer until their lips meet in a delicate, barely there kiss.

Tonight hasn’t really been at all what either of them expected. Even if he could, Buck wouldn’t change it. Eddie seems to always have everything together, to have his life in order— to be given the opportunity to see past that facade and instead to see the vulnerability is like meeting an entirely different version of Eddie. A version of him that Buck longs to know more about.

“Do you want to stay tonight?” Buck asks, thumb brushing against stubble before he kisses the apple of Eddie’s cheek.

“Yeah,” Eddie answers and his voice sounds a little strained as he nuzzles into the crook of Buck’s neck, like it’s the only place that he could possibly belong in this wide, vast world. “Yeah, I do.”


	14. Chapter 14

Buck’s parents abandoned him when he was a boy.

Eddie abandoned Chris and Shannon when they needed him the most.

The irony isn’t lost on Eddie. To say that it’s been a restless night beside his boyfriend is an understatement. He’s spent nearly the entirety of the night wide awake, thoughts racing through his mind about how undeserving he is of Buck. How could Eddie ever deserve him when he did to Chis what Buck’s own parents did to him?

Eddie’s body is still, flush against Buck like it’s been for most of the night, arm draped loosely over his waist. He’s memorized the steady rise and fall of his chest, the way that Buck scoots back against him to eliminate any extra space in between Eddie nuzzles into the back of Buck’s neck, capturing the scent of sandalwood, musk, and something that he’s unable to identify that can only be described as Buck. His lips brush tenderly against the skin there, committing the scent to memory as he feels Buck stir at the featherlight press of his lips.

The knot that settled into Eddie’s gut as soon as Buck told him about his parents continues to rise up, making his chest tight until he feels like he can’t breathe. He tries to steady himself, tries his hardest to hold it all together, letting his lips brush against Buck’s shoulder as his tears finally shake loose.

This is the first night that he’s spent at Buck’s loft, the first night he’s slept beside his boyfriend.

And it guts him that it’s going to be his last too.

“Mmmmh…” Buck murmurs, resting his hand on top of Eddie’s that’s draped over his waist, slotting their fingers together. Eddie smiles sadly behind him, his thumb brushing against Buck’s arm.

“Morning,” Eddie says softly.

“Morning,” Buck says as he turns over until they’re facing. “It’s nice… getting to wake up to you.” Buck leans forward, pressing his lips to Eddie’s.

Eddie cups Buck’s face, thumb brushing down his cheek until it stops at his jawline. “Yeah, it is.” Eddie angles Buck back against the pillows, pressing his lips against Buck’s insistently as he tries to pretend this isn’t goodbye.

* * *

Eddie isn’t sure how he ends up there. He’s been driving around aimlessly since he left Buck’s loft. He isn’t able to quiet the voices that are roaring in his ears, reminding him of his failures and telling him that his history is going to ruin the single best thing that he’s had since becoming a father.

He parks his truck in the familiar driveway and climbs out of the truck before he can second guess himself. He rings the doorbell and waits anxiously.

“Eddie,” Bobby says, surprised. “Is everything okay?”

Eddie opens his mouth to speak, fully intending to tell Bobby he’s fine, even though he’s obviously not. Instead, he shakes his head. “I don’t know why I’m here.”

Bobby smiles at him warmly before he opens the door the rest of the way, tilting his head to the side and motioning for Eddie to come inside.

Puffing out a breath, Eddie steps into the house, following Bobby awkwardly. “If this is a bad time, I can go. I should have called first—”

“Eddie, you never have to call first,” Bobby reminds him, leading Eddie to the kitchen. Bobby puts on a fresh pot of coffee and turns his attention back to him. “You know you’re welcome here anytime.” He does know that, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a small part of Eddie that’s chastising himself for not being strong enough to work through this on his own.

“Thanks, Cap,” Eddie mumbles. He watches Bobby pour two cups of coffee, handing one to him. He takes the cup and adds a splash of cream before stirring it. Finally, Bobby suggests that they sit out on the deck and Eddie follows him, the tension in his body obvious, like a bow ready to snap.

“Why are you here, Eddie?” Bobby asks gently, setting his steaming cup of coffee down on the table. Eddie doesn’t have to look at Bobby to know that he’s studying him, looking for some kind of answer.

It feels like the day at the diner all over again, only Bobby didn’t bring him here to get Eddie to talk—he came here by choice.

He can’t help but ask himself _why_.

Because despite all of the ugly things that Eddie’s told him, Bobby is still here with unwavering kindness and patience.

Eddie stares into the mug that’s warming his hands, blinking down at the liquid blearily. “Buck,” he starts, “He, uh, he told me that his grandparents are coming to town.” Eddie fidgets with the handle of his coffee cup before lifting his tired gaze to Bobby’s. There’s a part of him that wants to look away, but he scolds himself for the instinct to hide from his own choices. “He told me that they raised him, after his parents abandoned him when he was a few years old.”

“Okay,” Bobby says, giving Eddie the time to work out whatever it is that he needs to say.

Eddie sets his cup down with trembling hands. He balls them into fists before running them down his jeans roughly. “Bobby, you know my history— you know what I’ve _done_. That I abandoned my own family,” he chokes out.

“You know that’s not the same thing,” Bobby counters though his voice is quiet, like he’s afraid that Eddie will break, placing a grounding hand on Eddie’s arm. Eddie shrugs Bobby’s hand away because the last thing that he deserves right now is comfort.

“Isn’t it, though?”

“It’s not,” Bobby promises. “Yeah, maybe you did leave them, but you went to fight in a war, Eddie and you _came back_ to them.” _But it was too late._ The unspoken words burn hot in the back of Eddie’s mind. He came back after he’d ruined his marriage, after he’d become a stranger to Christopher, after it was too late to salvage what was left of their family.

“It’s just another excuse,” Eddie whispers, “Buck can never look at me the same. He’ll never see me as the same man.”

How could Eddie expect him to see him the same way if he ever told him the truth about who he really is?

“What did he say when you told him?” Bobby prods.

There it was. Eddie sighs before pressing his lips together in a tight line. “I didn’t tell him.”

“ _Eddie_ ,” Bobby stresses his name and he feels like he’s being scolded and just barely manages to blink back at him with reddened eyes. “You’re assuming you know how he’s going to react. Don’t you feel like that’s unfair to you, _to Buck_?”

“I _can’t_ tell him,” Eddie whispers. “What would I even say? ‘Sorry that your parents abandoned you, Buck. Oh, so I didn’t tell you, but I also abandoned my wife and kid. Guess I’d get along great with your parents.’” There’s a raw edge to Eddie’s voice, one that makes it clear that he’s teetering at the edge, one tiny push away from crashing to the ground.

“You need to tell him,” Bobby stresses. “Let him decide what he wants. You can’t just— make this decision _for him_.”

“I’m no good for him, Bobby.” Eddie’s voice wobbles. Buck deserves so much better, he deserves the world, not the scraps of what Eddie’s able to offer him.

“This needs to be Buck’s decision. I know you don’t want to tell him and it’s hard, but he should get to decide whether or not he wants to be with you after he finds out about your past. If it’s too much, then that’s _his_ choice. But ending this thing with Buck out of fear? That’s not like you, Eddie.”

“I’m not telling him. I know that maybe it sounds like I’m scared and that’s part of it. But Buck deserves better than that, better than me.” Eddie clears his throat, tears slipping down his cheek and leaving a hot, angry trail in their wake. “That’s my final decision.”

“Okay,” Bobby concedes, although he can see the other man’s hesitance to do so.“Then what’s your plan?”

Eddie reaches for his cup not because he’s thirsty, but because he needs to have something to do with his hands. He needs something to focus on other than his fractured heart, already aching from the lack of Buck’s presence and knowing that it has to be over. He takes a small sip from his cup, his hands still with a slight tremble. “To end it.”

* * *

The thing is, Eddie doesn’t know how to end it. His phone has vibrated more times than he can keep track of, Buck checking to see how his day is going, then asking if he’s made a decision about what they're doing for their usual Saturday night date. A breath rattles out of him as he sits in his truck, staring at the phone that he’s cradling in his hands.

_I can’t. I’m sorry._

**5:42 pm**

_Sunday?_

**Buck ・5:42 pm**

He looks up at Abuela’s house, seeing her standing in the doorway, holding the door open. Eddie gives the message one last glance before he climbs out of the truck and slides the phone into his back pocket. “Abuela.” He reaches the doorstep and kisses her cheek. “How was Christopher?”

Abuela rolls her eyes before patting his cheek. “An angel, as always. Just like his father.”

Eddie smiles at her words, though the smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes before he steps back and enters her house.. “Is he all ready?”

“You’re going to leave already?” Eddie can hear the disappointment in her voice and nearly sighs aloud. He knows that he’s usually more talkative but Eddie doesn’t really have it in him today. “It’s dinner time, can’t you smell the tamales?”

“They smell amazing, _as always_ , but it’s late—”

“Stay. I spent all afternoon cooking, so I could have dinner with my two favorite boys,” Abuela says, and he knows he’ll be the world’s worst grandson if he doesn’t stay with Christopher to have dinner.

“Okay,” he agrees with a nod. “We’ll stay.”

“Good,” Abuela says as she leads him into the kitchen, where it looks like she’s just finishing up. “Christopher is watching cartoons. Now sit down while I finish up and tell me what’s the matter.”

Eddie grabs a beer from the fridge before he sits down at the table with a sigh. “It’s nothing, it’s just been a long day.”

“ _Edmundo_.” There’s a clear warning in her tone and Eddie cringes as he takes a few sips from his beer before setting the bottle down on the table. “You know better than to lie to your abuela.”

“It’s Buck,” Eddie hesitates, not sure of what to tell her without _really_ explaining, because he can already hear what she’s going to say when he rationalizes his choice. “Things aren’t—”

“Things aren’t what?” She asks pointedly as she plates the tamales.

“They’re not going well, that’s all,” Eddie says, hoping that she’ll latch onto those words and that’ll be the end of it. “I don’t think things are going to work out.”

Eddie forces himself to not sigh as she takes his face in both of her hands, her brow furrowed with concern. “Do you want to talk about it?” He shakes his head. He was barely able to talk to Bobby about this. Abuela would never let him rest if she knew that he was ending his relationship with Buck because of his past shortcomings—a past that she is very aware of. In Eddie’s family, she’s the one person who defended him while he was at war, the only person that ever gave him the benefit of the doubt.

He wants to tell her that she was wrong, that he was none of the things that she thought about him. He fell short in every area of his life because he could never be enough. But he knows how that would end from a childhood of arguments with his cousins that Abuela had broken up, and times when he’d beaten himself up with his words; with him having to say three nice things about himself, and today was _not_ the day to play that. “No,” Eddie tells her quietly, “I’ll be okay.”

Abuela nods and her expression looks tight, like it’s taking everything in her to not continue to poke and prod and instead, let Eddie deal with this on his own. “Go get our boy, Edditio, it’s time to eat.”

Eddie takes the last few swallows of his beer, then kisses her temple. “Thank you for caring enough to ask,” he says, trying not to be choked up by how much she loves him. He walks away and sets the bottle in the sink before going to wrangle Chris.

Eddie reminds himself with each step that he’s going to be okay, ignoring the familiar buzz of his phone in his pocket.

* * *

Eddie puts the large Tupperware dish of tamales away when they get home. Christopher meets him in the living room, already dressed and ready for bed. “Can I stay up for a little bit, Dad?”

Eddie swallows past the lump in his throat, his eyes tired and achy from the long and emotional day. “Yeah, bud. How about you pick out a movie and we’ll watch it on the couch?”

“Camp out on the couch!” Christopher cheers.

A genuine laugh slips past Eddie’s lips for the first time all day. “Yeah, camp out on the couch. You think about the movie and I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.”

Eddie goes into his bedroom to get changed, pulling his cell phone from his pocket and looking at the incoming texts from Buck since Abuela’s. He longs to pick up the phone and call him, but he knows that he can’t do that right now. Instead, he pulls on a pair of joggers and leaves his phone on the dresser before making his way back out to the living room where Chris is waiting on the couch with a blanket. “Did you decide what the movie’s gonna be?”

“Toy Story.” The smile that lights up his face when he says this warms Eddie’s chest a little, easing the ache that’s been blooming all day. It reminds him that he has something amazing right here.

“Toy Story it is,” he agrees even though they’ve seen the movie no less than forty-seven times. He piles onto the couch with Christopher, pulling him close. “I hope you had a good day with Abuela.”

“I did, she let me watch Power Rangers, and we played War.” Eddie places a kiss on the top of Christopher’s head as he tugs him against his chest, grabbing the remote to start the movie. “I beat her, twice. _And_ I got to help with the tamales.”

Eddie brushes his fingers through Christopher’s curls, the faint smell of his berry-scented shampoo invading Eddie’s senses. He tries to let the familiar scent calm his nerves. “You’re turning into a real card shark, you know,” he murmurs absently.

They watch the movie quietly, the room dimly lit by the television. “Dad?”

Eddie swallows hard, struggling to focus on the movie, still mindlessly moving his fingers through Christopher’s curls, needing something to focus his attention on. “Yeah, mijo?” Eddie’s voice cracks and he tries to clear his throat, to force down the emotion that’s bleeding through.

“Why are you sad?”’

He’s been trying so hard to school his emotions so that Chris wouldn’t pick up on anything. Eddie sighs softly, looking down at his son. “I’m okay,” he lies.

Chris sits up a little against Eddie, studying his face in the dark. “I bet Buck would come over. He probably loves Toy Story.”

Eddie’s laughs, but it comes out wet and sounds wrong. “I bet he does. But Buck can’t come over tonight.” The thought of that shatters him, thinking of the moments that they’ve shared together. Christopher squished between them on the couch reading Harry Potter, Buck cooking them dinner— he thinks of how Buck is with Chris, how easy it comes to him. There haven’t been a lot of memories with just the three of them, but the ones that they’ve shared have been perfect.

And now it’s gone.

“Watch the movie,” Eddie tells Chris, closing his eyes and trying to ignore the burning behind his eyes. He reminds himself that it used to be just him and Chris, and that was always enough. Christopher’s an amazing kid, the very best parts of Eddie.

He can let go of Buck.

Christopher’s enough to keep his heart from completely fracturing. He has to be.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for missing a week for posting, it's been a rough one since covid has taken residence in our house.

He’s trying to figure out what he did wrong. He must have done _something_ because this isn’t like Eddie. His responses are usually immediate unless he’s in the middle of a shift, and it’s been days now.

Buck pulls out his cell phone and when he sees no response he’s tempted to hurl it across the room and it’s not the first time, either.

“You gonna tell me what has you all bent out of shape?” Josh asks, and Buck blinks a few times at him. When Josh continues to stare at him, Buck sighs. “See, this is the part where you start talking.”

“I… I don’t know, man,” Buck mutters. “I don’t even know what happened. But Eddie won’t talk to me. He hasn’t texted or called me back in two days. He hasn’t talked to me since he left the other morning. I thought everything was fine—no, _great_ —when he left.”

Josh’s brow furrows as he listens to Buck, and it makes him wish he could figure out what the hell is going on with Eddie again. “Should have known someone that pretty was too good to be true.”

Buck shoots him what’s meant to be a menacing glare, but he knows there’s no part of him that’s actually upset with Josh about any of this. “I seem to remember someone pushing us to get together,” he reminds Josh.

Buck replays the morning in his head and can’t pinpoint a single thing that went wrong that would make Eddie act this way. It was the first morning that Buck had woken up in bed beside Eddie, and it left him wanting more of it. Instead, he hasn’t spoken to him since.

He knows the night prior Eddie had a rough shift but he seemed like he was doing okay the next morning.

Buck told him that he didn’t have to bear it all alone, and then Buck told him about his parents, and how his grandparents had raised him.

_Oh._

“Buck,” Josh says carefully, obviously seeing Buck’s expression change as he remembers their last night together. “What is it?”

Buck drums his fingers anxiously against the table. “I told him about my grandparents coming to town next week and he said he’d love to meet them. Then, I told him about my parents.”

“He’s probably just freaked out about meeting your grandparents.”

“I asked him if he wanted to meet them first, and _then_ I told him. So that either means that it’s too soon for him to more or less meet my parents, or…” Buck trails off, exhaling heavily as air hisses through his teeth.

“Or what?”

“Or he can’t handle my history,” Buck finishes, his eyebrows pinched together. He knows his upbringing is a lot different than most other people because he didn’t have his mom or his dad there as he grew up. For his first day of kindergarten, his first heartbreak, his first day running the West Coast branch of the family company, they were nowhere to be found. Not for a visit, a phone call, not even a card.

Buck came to terms with that a long time ago, but maybe he’s just too broken, too _different_ for Eddie to see past that. Maybe he just needs someone that doesn’t have this kind of baggage.

“I don’t think that’s what this is, Buck. But if it is, if he can’t handle your history, don’t you think Eddie would tell you?”

He wants to say yes, wants to believe with everything in him that it's true, but Buck’s been burned before.

He just never thought the firefighter that began to breathe meaning back into his life outside of the office would be the one to figuratively burn him now.

“I don’t know,” Buck says finally, “I really don’t know.”

* * *

Buck looks down at his phone again, fingers hovering over Eddie’s contact. He hesitates there like he’s done so many times in the last couple of days. He needs to talk to Eddie so that they can hash things out, but that’s completely impossible when he won’t even pick up the phone. As he’s about to try calling Eddie again, his phone begins to ring in his hands and he answers immediately.

“Mr. Buckley, I’m really sorry about this,” Lynn rushes to apologize. Buck recognizes her voice immediately, from the past four times she’s called him about Jayden.

“It’s okay, Lynn,” Buck assures her, pushing his own issues aside to focus on the center, on Jayden. To be honest, he could probably use a distraction from the way that things have been going with Eddie. “He’s in the gym?”

“Well, uhm…” There’s a long silence on the other end of the line, and Buck feels his stomach tighten at her hesitation. Lynn has always been direct with him about what’s happening with Jay.

“Lynn?”

“We don’t know where he is, Mr. Buckley.”

_Shit._

* * *

Buck arrives at the center only ten minutes later and his staff has already searched the entire grounds three times. “Buck,” Josh says and there’s an unreadable expression on his best friend’s face, something that Buck hates because with Josh he can always tell what’s going on in his head. The fact that he’s schooling his expression makes Buck’s anxiety go into overdrive because he knows that there has to be a reason why. “We’ve tried reaching his foster parents.”

“And?” Josh shakes his head a little and Buck feels his heart drop into his stomach. Not that he wants himself or his staff to explain to a family that their kid has gone missing, least of all Jayden. It’s the fact that there isn’t a parent worried at home about Jayden right now. There’s no parent running through the worst case scenarios because their child being missing is their absolute worst fear; only Buck and his staff.

“Alright.” Buck paces a few times, trying to work out a plan. “One more full sweep. I’m going to check one other place and if he’s not there, I’ll call the police.” The swell of panic in his chest is overwhelming, but he tries to push it down. He has to focus on what they do next and make sure that they do it right. He needs to remain calm so his staff does, too, Jayden needs them to be focused and thorough.

Buck leaves the center, his strides long as he holds onto the hope that Jayden will be here. He _has_ to be, because Buck can’t consider the possibility that Jayden is lost out there somewhere.

Buck walks the two blocks to the park that he’s taken Jayden to a couple of times in an attempt to get him out of the center and out of his own head. Buck’s eyes dart around the small park, not seeing Jayden at the basketball court and feeling his heart plummet. This was his last resort.

Jayden is out there somewhere, an eleven-year-old kid trying to face an unfair and cruel world alone.

Buck was supposed to help protect him, to show him that it would all be okay.

Buck runs his hands over his face roughly. “Jayden!” He calls, the surge of panic that he’s feeling beginning to rise in his chest, making it hard to breathe. He hisses out an uneven breath as his phone rings and he brings it up to his ear. It’s Josh.

“We didn’t find him,” Josh says quietly and it’s easy to hear the defeat in his tone. “Did you?”

Buck’s eyes blink closed. “No,” he whispers, his voice straining against what that means. “I’m gonna stop at the police station on the way back to report it,” Buck says in defeat, as he ends the call.

“Buck?” The voice sounds shaky behind him, and it takes a second for it to process. He turns around and sees Jayden tucked underneath the slide, looking so incredibly _small_.

“Jay.” The relief in Buck’s voice is palpable as he walks towards the slide, unable to hide the emotion on his face. He sends Josh a text letting him know that he found Jayden. Buck crouches down, bending at an awkward position so that he can fit into the much too small space across from Jayden. “What happened?”

Jayden stares at his hands before he begins to pull at them roughly. “I had to get away,” he admits. in a voice that sounds broken and lost. It’s a far cry from the practiced control and sarcasm that can usually be heard in his voice.

“From what?”

“It doesn’t matter—”

Buck knocks Jayden’s knee with his own, barely needing to move to do so because of how closely they’re huddled together beneath the slide. Buck doesn’t shift his gaze from Jayden’s face, memorizing the way that it’s turned down in a steady frown. “It does,” he promises.

“My mom—when she gets out—she doesn’t want me.”

Buck’s heart constricts at his admission, remembering the sting of abandonment. Despite being able to handle things better than Maddie he still vividly remembers all of the years that he asked himself why they weren’t good enough, trying to understand why their family had to be different. He doesn’t want that for Jayden. He never wanted that for Jayden.

“Jay—”

“My own mom doesn’t want me,” Jayden grinds out, tears stubbornly refusing to fall from where they’re gathering in his eyes. “You have no idea what that feels like, Buck.”

“Actually,” Buck says gently as he reaches out for Jayden, “I do.” After a moment of hesitation, Jayden allows himself to be comforted, collapsing against Buck's chest and finally allowing his tears to fall.

* * *

It’s a phone call with Maddie that does it. She’s going on and on about how excited she is to come to town and meet Eddie for dinner with their grandparents. In the midst of the chaos of being ghosted by his boyfriend and then searching for Jayden, Buck completely forgot about their planned dinner. He promised them that they’d get to meet Eddie.

His first real relationship in two years.

Gram and Gramps were so happy that he found someone to make him happy. Now, it’s gone.

Buck pulls out his phone and texts Eddie for what must be the 67th time with no reply.

It’s Saturday night; their date night. Buck is over the fucking silence.

_Are you going to tell me what I did?_

**7:42 pm**

_I thought we had something_

**7:47 pm**

_This is BULLSHIT_

**7:49 pm**

He tosses his phone down on the table, scrubbing his hands over his face. It’s clear Eddie doesn’t want him anymore but if nothing else he deserves an explanation and a goodbye. Buck grabs his phone and his keys before he barrels out the door.

* * *

There’s really no reason to call to let Eddie know that he’s on his way over. It’s not like Eddie is going to pick up the phone anyways. He’s been trying for days to get a hold of him with no response at all.

Buck sighs when he sees Eddie’s truck in the driveway and parks behind it though he’s unsure if he’s more relieved or frustrated that Eddie’s here and just choosing to outright ignore him. He climbs out of the Jeep before jogging up the steps. He knocks but there’s no answer. The lights are on though, so he’s obviously home and awake.

_Knock._

_Knock._

_Knock._

Buck glances at his watch and hopes that Chris is with his abuela like he usually is on date night. Buck’s thumb presses down on the doorbell over and over again, relentless.

The door whips open. _Finally_ , he’s getting somewhere.

“Buck, what are you—”

“Oh,” Buck’s laugh is humorless and he’s a little heartbroken at the sight of Eddie. “So you _do_ remember I exist?”

Buck stands there staring at Eddie and he looks like shit. Eddie looks like Buck feels, like he’s been put through the ringer. Maybe it’s wrong, but Buck feels a sense of satisfaction wash over him knowing that Eddie is struggling, too. That he’s not alone in his misery. “You gonna invite me in?”

“Buck.”

Buck steps closer and crowds Eddie’s space in the doorway to his home. “Let me rephrase that. I’m coming in.” Eddie sighs and drops his eyes as he steps back to let Buck in, swallowing hard as Buck moves past him and into the house. “Is Chris here?”

Eddie’s jaw clenches and unclenches several times before he exhales in a rush. “No, he’s with abuela.”

“Good,” Buck says tersely, arms crossed tightly over his chest. “It’s about time we had a conversation, don’t you think?”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love, it's really appreciated. I'm starting to feel back to normal so hopefully I'll get all caught up on comments within the next few days.

Fuck.

Eddie knows that Buck is angry with him because who wouldn’t be? But how— how can he explain this to Buck now? He should have lied to him days ago, told him that it just wouldn’t work out. That he found someone else.

The truth is that he could never find anyone to take Buck’s place. Even if they’ve only been together for a few short months, Eddie has never felt more connected to someone. He’s never felt more accepted or cherished. He’s never found someone to love Christopher so openly and so wholly, even more than most of his family. He never imagined that he could find someone to become so invested in _him_. Someone that wants to talk to him, to really know Eddie Diaz. All of those things that only a few days ago he treasured before only make him ache more now.

He also knows Buck and that means that he’s not going to let go easily.

Eddie has to push him away, harder than before, even if it physically hurts him. And it will.

“I don’t think there’s much to talk about, Buck.” Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose as he walks to the dining room, hearing Buck’s footsteps following close behind him.

“There’s not much to talk about? Are you on fucking drugs, Eddie?” Buck scoffs and Eddie hears him drag one of the chairs loudly against the floor, sending a ripple of anxiety through him. “Did this all mean so little to you?”

“Of course not.” Eddie knows it’s his house, knows that he shouldn’t be hesitating to move in his own space. He’s also never felt so out of control in his life.

Buck kicks out one of the chairs and nods his head towards it. “Sit down.” Eddie hesitates before walking over to the chair and dropping down into it wordlessly, running his hands over his face.

“So what was it? What sent you running? Was it me asking you to meet my grandparents, who haven’t stopped talking about how excited they are to meet you?”

“What?” Eddie lets out a shaky breath, unable to meet Buck’s eyes. He stands up from the chair and begins to pace, unable to stop the storm of emotions that slam into him. He never wanted Buck to blame himself for this, never wanted him to think that _he’d_ done something wrong. “No.”

“Sit down and talk to me,” Buck orders and Eddie has to swallow down the panic at talking to Buck about this, about being honest with him. He lets out a shaky breath, wishing that anxiety would bleed out of him with each breath instead of adding more fractures to his heart.

“I can’t.”

He can’t tell Buck. He _can’t_.

Buck must already know that Eddie’s a failure, that all he knows how to do is run.

Buck shoves his chair back, tracking Eddie’s movements as he paces the kitchen. “Will you stop?” Buck grits out as he closes the space between them. “Just tell me what it was. Was waking up beside me that morning just too much?”

“Fuck,” Eddie’s eyes dart around, looking anywhere but at Buck’s face, afraid of what he’s going to find there. “You deserve better than me, Buck. Can’t you see that?”

Buck crowds into Eddie’s space until he’s backed against the refrigerator with nowhere to go. He rests a hand beside his head, the other one tilting Eddie’s chin up until he’s forced to look into Buck’s eyes, finding a raging storm there. Eddie swallows hard against the desire to move away, to put as much space between them as possible.

“Tell me.”

Eddie takes a steadying breath and feels like he’s going to suffocate, he wants to avert his gaze from the flurry of emotion in Buck’s eyes, but the hurt on his face melds with a determination to know why and Eddie’s unable to look away. His stomach twists uncomfortably and he has to remind himself to take another breath. “Your parents,” he chokes out. “Your parents abandoned you.”

“Can’t look at me the same, can you?” The small laugh that slips past Buck’s lips sounds bitter and unnatural coming from someone so pure and good.

“No,” Eddie’s eyes blink shut, the tears that have been gathering in his eyes shaking loose. Is that what Buck thinks? That he’s the problem, and this isn’t all on Eddie? _God, no_. “You’ll never look at _me_ the same.”

“What?”

“I-I abandoned Christopher.” His voice shakes under the confession, at being broken wide open in front of Buck, so completely vulnerable. “The first time I abandoned them Shannon was pregnant. And, uh, I was afraid of being a dad, but I thought I’d figure it out, y’know? It was just one tour. And then we got his cerebral palsy diagnosis and Shannon’s mom got sick and I— I chose to reenlist, instead of staying home to deal with everything. I chose to leave when they needed me the most. Don’t you get it?” Eddie finally settles his gaze on Buck. “I’m _just_ like your parents.”

Eddie feels both of Buck’s hands cradling his face and Buck is silent for a minute as he stares at him. He wants to turn away from Buck’s touch. But he owes him this, especially after all that he’s put him through these last few days.

“No, you’re not,” Buck says and somehow his voice sounds steady even as his brow furrows. “You’re nothing like them. Maybe you ran away to a warzone to try to figure things out. Maybe you were scared or weren’t there when you feel like you should have been, but Eddie, _you came back_. I’ve seen you with Chris and you’re that kid’s entire world. He thinks you hung the moon.” Eddie is silent, and he can’t shake the feeling that Buck’s words are wrong. He tries turning his head, wanting to drop away from Buck’s gaze, but Buck won’t let him. “You’re nothing like them,” he repeats, dropping his head down and trailing kisses down Eddie’s wet cheeks.

“Buck—”

“You don’t get to decide how I feel about this. And how I feel, Eddie? Is that I’m falling in love with you.”

Eddie shudders at the words, trembling under Buck’s confession. He closes his eyes as he tries to balance himself, back pressed against the refrigerator as Buck slots a knee between his, helping to keep him upright.“You deserve better. You deserve everything, Buck.”

“I deserve _you_ ,” Buck insists, gently tipping his head back and scattering light kisses on his face before moving his lips against Eddie’s in a delicate kiss, like he’s afraid Eddie might shatter. “You’re enough, Eddie. You’re all I want.” Buck’s hand slides down against the side of Eddie’s neck, tipping his head back as his tongue ghosts over the hollow of Eddie’s throat. “Please,” Buck pleads, hot breath dancing across his skin. Eddie doesn’t know what he’s pleading for, maybe for him to trust what Buck is telling him, maybe to give himself over completely.

He doesn’t know if he knows how to do either, but lets himself sink back against the hard surface behind him, melting into the tenderness of Buck’s kisses. “Buck,” he manages, hands resting at Buck’s sides and grasping at his shirt with needy hands. Shifting his weight forward, Buck’s thigh presses firmly against his growing erection, and Eddie groans at the sudden pressure, grinding down involuntarily against his thigh before he forces himself to stop. “Buck, I don’t think—”

“Shhh,” Buck murmurs, pressing a finger against Eddie’s lips. The argument dies off as Eddie loses himself in the firm press of Buck’s finger against his lips to quiet him, the brush of lips mouthing against his neck, then an even softer one against the corner of his mouth. Little by little, kiss by kiss, Eddie’s defenses start to falter. “Just let go, baby.”

Buck’s hand trails down the front of Eddie’s shirt, sending a shiver through him. He groans in relief when Buck pops open the button of his jeans with one hand, dragging the zipper down slowly. Buck slips a hand into the front of Eddie’s jeans, stroking his cock. “Let me take care of you.”

Eddie reaches out with a hand, pulling Buck’s lips down against his, fingernails skimming over the skin at the nape of his neck. Buck groans at the feeling of Eddie’s fingers against the sensitive skin there, his lips moving more purposefully, teasing his tongue against Eddie’s lips. Parting his lips, Eddie nibbles at Buck’s bottom lip before he draws him in by the waist.

“Eddie,” Buck chuckles lowly against his lips as he’s tugged closer with his hand still wrapped around Eddie’s cock, unable to continue stroking him with their bodies pulled flush against each other.

Buck pulls back his larger frame, leaning forward and kissing Eddie’s forehead before pushing Eddie’s jeans and boxers down in one motion before pressing back up against him, lips going back to work against the hollow of Eddie’s throat. “Why don’t we take this to your room?” Buck sounds breathless and desperate, and there’s something about it that makes Eddie willing to do anything for him.

He obliges, letting Buck lead him down the hallway to his bedroom. Buck stops a few steps shy of the bed, the back of Eddie’s bare legs brushing against the comforter behind him. There’s so much Eddie wants to say, so much to apologize for—so much that he doesn’t know _how_ to say. He’s always been terrible at communication.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying, not until Buck cradles his face with both hands, thumbs brushing over the apples of his cheeks, sweeping the tears away. “I’m sorry,” he says, searching Buck’s eyes for something.

He wants to see anger there, that’s what he’s earned with the way that he’s treated Buck. He wants to see in Buck’s eyes what he deserves to be shown. Not this level of love and affection. Not this _understanding_.

“I forgive you,” Buck says without hesitation, “I need you to hear me when I say that, okay?”

Eddie’s mouth drops open a bit from where he sits on the bed, speechless for a brief moment. “I don’t _deserve_ it.”

Buck looks perplexed before taking another step forward, dipping his head down and kissing a trail down Eddie’s neck, the touch of his lips light and barely there. “You deserve it,” Buck whispers, his tone gravelly. Buck continues peppering kisses down his neck until he reaches the barrier of Eddie’s shirt. “Just don’t do it again.”

Buck’s hands drop down Eddie’s sides until he reaches the hem of the shirt, pulling it over Eddie’s head and tossing it on the floor. He continues to trail kisses until he reaches Eddie’s collar bone, his thumb trailing back and forth over it. “I’m going to show you how much you deserve,” he promises, guiding Eddie to lay on the bed as he tosses his own shirt to the growing heap on the floor, climbing onto the bed and hovering over Eddie.

Eddie groans at the sensation of the rough denim as Buck’s weight presses down on him. He reaches up to unbutton Buck’s jeans, but a hand circling around Eddie’s wrist stops him. “Not yet.”

Before Eddie is able to protest, Buck kisses him on the lips and then continues to trail kisses down, his tongue gently lapping at the curve of Eddie’s shoulder, thumb brushing over a patch of chest hair. Settling at Eddie’s waist, Buck’s hands gently massage his sides, causing him to groan, tangling his fingers into Buck’s hair and wanting nothing more than to wrap his lips around Buck’s cock. “Please, Buck.” Eddie props his weight up on his elbows, trying to sit up. Buck kisses down his stomach, running his hands over Eddie’s chest before using his strength to press him back down.

The corner of Buck’s lips twitches into a smile. “Don’t worry, I’m getting exactly what I want.” Buck winks at him, and Eddie has to bite down on his bottom lip to withhold a deep groan, feeling Buck’s hand wrap around his cock and stroking him eagerly.

Buck’s hot breath rushes over his skin and Eddie shivers beneath it. Kissing down Eddie’s side until he settles just below his ribs, he follows the defined curve there. His lips part, as his tongue licks down from the outlined shadow to his hand where he’s steadily pumping Eddie’s dick, his hips lifting off of the mattress and canting forward.

Eddie can hear his own breathing as it becomes labored, lost in the focused attention that Buck is giving him. He’s never had someone show him praise and love like this; kissing acceptance into every inch of his skin. His eyes close against the surge of emotions, feeling the familiar burn of tears pricking behind his eyes. “Fuck,” he chokes out, already sounding completely ruined.

Buck lets his hand fall away, quickly replacing the loss with the heat of his mouth as it envelopes Eddie’s cock. Lifting himself up onto his elbows, Eddie looks down and watches Buck. He studies the way that Buck moves deliberately, startling blue eyes seeking out his own. The heated gaze makes Eddie swallow down past the lump in his throat as Buck finds a steady pace and Eddie forces himself to not thrust upward into Buck’s mouth, exercising every ounce of control that he has.

“You should see yourself right now.” Eddie says, threading his fingers through Buck’s hair.

Buck smiles around Eddie’s girth, causing his eyes to crinkle a little at the edges, pleased with Eddie’s reaction. Eddie shifts on the bed as he angles his hips upward, a silent request for Buck to take him deeper. A garbled sound fills the air around them before Buck moves his hands to Eddie’s hips, pinning him to the bed firmly by his waist.

Eddie’s heart races faster at Buck’s show of strength, letting out a deep moan as he fists the comforter, Buck keeping his hips pinned to the bed. Buck bobs his head as he swallows down Eddie’s cock again.

“Buck,” Eddie gasps out, writhing on the bed, reaching his hand down to Buck’s shoulder, struggling to string words together into a coherent sentence. Buck hums around him, “I’m gonna come,” he stutters out as Buck plants himself in place, swallowing as Eddie comes.

The bed shifts as Buck gets up so that he can help Eddie clean up, his elbow over his face to hide his expression as he laughs. “Well that’s embarrassing.”

He feels Buck settle beside him on the bed, before pulling Eddie’s arm away from his face. “No, that’s hot,” he corrects, his tone deep as his lips brush Eddie’s lips, leaving no room for argument. Buck pulls back and Eddie looks into the bright blue of his eyes, feeling like he could get lost in them forever. Eddie smiles lazily at him, reaching over and sweeping his thumb over Buck’s lower lip.

Eddie curls closer into Buck’s space, dropping his head down to kiss the tattoo on his chest. “Nobody’s ever—” Eddie swallows, not sure how he intended to finish the sentence, how to somehow translate all that he’s feeling into words.

Buck doesn’t need him to finish, for the way that he answers immediately. “I will. Always.”

It seems like a big promise to make after only a few months together, but despite that, Eddie doesn’t find himself doubting Buck. He says it with such finality that it stirs something deep in Eddie’s gut, and he needs to take a steadying breath.

Eddie’s fingertips move down Buck’s broad chest before stopping at his jeans, helping Buck out of them. “I want you to fuck me,” Eddie confesses, sliding his hand down to Buck’s hard cock.

“I—” Eddie watches Buck’s eyes flutter closed at the contact, before they open again with a desire simmering there that takes Eddie’s breath away. “We talked about this before, you said you’ve never…”

“I know what I said.” There are a lot of things that Eddie’s not sure of, but one thing that he believes with absolute certainty now is that he’s safe with Buck. “But I want to try with you.”

Buck shifts beside him on the bed, his hand ghosting down Eddie’s side, cupping Eddie’s face with his other hand and moving closer, lips barely brushing against his.

It’s not enough.

He needs Buck to be even closer, so Eddie presses every inch of bare skin against his, the steady warmth of Buck’s body captivating him. Eddie combs his fingers through Buck’s hair, curling his fingers against his scalp, adding pressure and urgency to the kiss, quickly changing it from soft and slow to frantic and needy.

Buck breaks the kiss, forehead resting against Eddie’s as he tries to catch his breath. “You’re sure about this?”

Eddie doesn’t hesitate, “I am.” He uncoils their bodies from one another, grabbing the lube and condoms from his nightstand. “I know you’ll be patient with me.”

Buck smiles at Eddie and his eyes remain on Eddie for a long time. Like he’s learning something new and trying to commit it to memory. Eddie wants to ask him what it is that he sees in him that nobody else sees—that _he_ can’t see.

“We’re gonna take our time, don’t worry,” Buck promises, leaning forward and kissing Eddie’s forehead. He runs a hand down Eddie’s hip and then reaches around, grabbing Eddie’s ass and squeezing as he draws Eddie’s body close. Eddie gasps, feeling Buck’s hard cock trapped between them. “Have you ever…”

Eddie leans his forehead forward a little to try to catch Buck’s gaze. “Have I ever?” Pinching his brows together, he tries to decipher what Buck is asking him about.

Buck chuckles as he opens the bottle of lube and slicks up a couple of fingers. “I know you’ve never had anyone fuck you before, but have you ever done anything else?” He asks patiently, fingers tracing down towards Eddie’s entrance.

Eddie swallows hard, a light flush coming to his cheeks. “Yeah, I uh, I have a little experience.” Eddie lays back down on the bed, spreading his legs for Buck as he gently works a finger into him.

Buck leans forward and kisses Eddie’s chin softly. “If it’s too much you need to tell me, okay?” Eddie promises and feels Buck’s finger moving inside of him again, the drag of it slow as Buck gives him time to adjust. Usually, Eddie’s the one working his partner open, but getting to look up at Buck this time feels like a gift.

Through parted lips, Buck’s tongue darts out as he adds a second finger, folding his body over Eddie’s and dropping open mouthed kisses against the hollow of Eddie’s neck. “You’re so fucking gorgeous.”

As Buck warns him that he’s adding another finger, he braces himself for the extra pressure. He feels Buck’s feather-light kisses against his skin, focusing on the press of his lips instead of the temporary discomfort of being stretched open.

Eddie’s eyes squeeze shut and Buck curls his fingers inside of him at the end of the stroke causing Eddie to call out his name. “Buck,” Eddie moans, trying to maneuver his body so that he’s creating friction against Buck’s fingers, needing more; to move faster. Buck presses a smile into his skin as he trails kisses down the back of his thigh, closer and closer to where Buck’s fingers are thrusting into him.

After he adds a third finger, Eddie can’t handle the slow pace that he’s set any longer. He tries to be patient as Buck stretches his open and adjusts to the added girth, but it does nothing to tame the need that’s gnawing deep in his gut. Eddie’s breathless, trying to find something to grip onto until he presses his hands against the headboard, using the added leverage to fuck down onto Buck’s fingers. “Please, Buck,” he pleads without reservation.

“I’m gonna give you everything you need,” Buck says and his voice sounds broken despite the fact that he’s the one in control. Like the sight of Eddie snapping his hips down onto Buck’s fingers is too much. Buck withdraws his fingers, wiping them off before he leans down and presses a kiss onto Eddie’s sweaty temple. “You have no idea what seeing you like this does to me.”

As if to prove his point, Buck grinds his hips into him and Eddie heaves out a breath. Chuckling at his reaction, Buck reaches for the condom and rolls it on, adding some lube. “Do you want me like this? Or I can move if it’s easier?” Eddie asks, eyes tentative as he looks up at Buck.

“Oh, I want you just like this, Eddie. I want to see your face when you come apart.” Groaning deep in the back of his throat, Eddie barely manages a nod, the thought of being watched by Buck as he comes. Eddie scoots down towards the edge of the bed, Buck working his thumb in calming circles against his thigh. “You ready?”

Smiling at him, Eddie manages a nod, feeling the head of his cock pushing into his entrance.

Buck stills, waiting for a signal from him that it’s okay to move. He doesn’t know if Buck always takes this kind of care with his partners or if it’s been reserved just for him, and Eddie’s head falls back against the bed as he tries not to get distracted by the feeling of Buck inside of him, tapping against his leg before pushing down onto his cock. He groans as he fills him inch by inch, the stretch beginning to burn and he grits his teeth against the feeling. “Hang on,” Eddie opens his eyes to see Buck watching him, “I need a second.”

“All the time you need,” Buck says like a promise, thumbs brushing over the sensitive skin at his hips. After a few more moments of adjusting, Eddie lets him know that it’s okay to move, and he begins his thrusts slowly as Eddie gets used to the unfamiliar sensation.

Eddie feels so broken open, so vulnerable in a way that he never has before. For someone who tries to be in control all of the time, to make sure that he’s doing everything right— letting go of that and just getting lost in this moment, in the feeling of Buck giving himself to Eddie completely— nothing has ever felt quite so right.

After a few small and measured thrusts into Eddie, Buck builds a steady pace and the pain he felt before is forgotten and replaced with something else; a yearning for more. Eddie reaches a hand down, fingers slipping over where Buck’s grasping his hip.

“Harder,” Eddie pleads as he finds Buck’s heated gaze. “Please.”

Eddie releases the hold on Buck’s hand as he reaches above his head, grasping for the headboard that’s just barely out of reach, looking for added leverage because he needs more. Really, he needs everything that Buck is willing to give him.

Buck’s tongue darts out as he watches Eddie and he hinges forward, hands gripping Eddie’s shoulders and holds Eddie in place as his hips snap forward. “Buck, I-I—” Eddie stutters, placing his hands on Buck’s forearms and looking up at him.

Buck searches his face and he’s not sure what Buck thinks he sees there, but he stills immediately. “Eddie are you okay?” Buck releases his hold on Eddie’s shoulders, a hand ghosting down the outline of Eddie’s body.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie says breathlessly. Buck gives him a strange look before Eddie continues. “I’m sorry for shutting you out.”

Eddie’s not sure what he was expecting, but Buck’s shoulder shaking as he tries to contain his laughter isn’t even on the list of possibilities—especially not while Buck’s dick is still buried deep inside of him. “And you think now is the time to have a heart to heart about it?” The sound of Buck’s laughter surrounds him, and Eddie rolls his eyes before chuckling himself. “Don’t you think you can wait a couple of minutes?”

Fuck.

Buck is right, it’s definitely not the best time to talk, but he is sorry. He’s sorry that he let his own insecurities hurt Buck and get in the way, he’s sorry for so many things. Buck washes away those insecurities with a brush of his lips against Eddie’s forehead and then starts moving again. This time he uses his full range of motion with each thrust, snapping his hips again as Eddie calls out.

“Wanna talk about it now,” Buck teases through labored breathing. “or can it wait?”

It’s Eddie who laughs this time, breathless and imperfect, and he wonders if he looks as fucked out as he feels. He reaches down and strokes himself as Buck continues to drive into him. “It can wait,” he manages as he matches Buck’s pace with his own strokes, writhing on the bed as Buck reaches down and brushes his thumb over Eddie’s nipple, causing a moan to slip past his lips.

Buck’s face is intent as he watches Eddie, his hips stuttering into the rapid movement. “Jesus, Eddie,” he chokes out as he meets Buck’s thrusts with eagerness. Eddie doesn’t think he can last much longer between slamming himself up to meet Buck’s thrusts, the fluid strokes of his cock and now, the feeling of Buck’s fingernail dragging over the hard nub of his nipple. Eddie opens his mouth and tries to speak, tries to form the words, but nothing comes out—

“Come for me, sweetheart,” Buck commands, as if he can read Eddie’s mind. Eddie’s not sure if it’s Buck’s hand replacing his own and stroking him or if it’s the term of endearment that sends him over the edge. His body relaxes, slick with sweat as Buck thrusts into him. He hears Buck grunt and he’s sure that if he hadn’t just come twice that hearing that noise slip past Buck’s lips would’ve done it. Buck drives his hips forward one final time before his body goes slack, slumping into Eddie as his breath comes out in short, exaggerated puffs.

They stay like that for a few minutes as they both catch their breath, until Buck finally moves and cleans them up. It reminds Eddie of their first time together, of the way that Buck had cleaned him up and cared for him afterwards. A content smile plays at Eddie’s lips and he moves up the bed towards the pillows, holding his arms open in invitation for Buck who moves into his embrace without hesitation.

Buck nuzzles into Eddie’s neck and traces a hand down Eddie’s back. The warmth of Buck’s body pressed against him seeping into Eddie’s skin until the warmth takes residence in his chest. Eddie’s thumb brushes against the hinge of Buck’s jaw before dropping a kiss there. “Thank you,” Eddie whispers.

“If you’re about to thank me for my hospitality again, I’m going to have to kick your ass.” Eddie snorts a laugh at Buck’s words, knowing that he’s never ever going to live down that mortifying walk of shame, or how completely awkward or wrong he’d been.

“I, um, I meant for not letting me shut you out. For coming here even though I didn’t deserve it,” Eddie admits, shifting until his head is resting against Buck’s chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart.

Eddie traces his fingertips mindlessly over Buck’s tattoo until he feels Buck’s hand heavy on top of his, stopping the movement. “I know it wasn’t easy to talk about all of this. I’ll talk to my grandparents, to Maddie— let them know maybe next time they’re in town they can meet you. You don’t have to worry about it, okay?”

“What? No,” Eddie stops him, shifting on the bed and lifting his weight up onto his elbow until he’s looking down at Buck’s face. “I-I want to meet them. They’re a huge part of who you are, Buck, and— you’ve met the single most important person in my life. I want to meet those people in your life, too.”

Buck’s smile is breathtaking as he looks down at Eddie, as if somehow he’d just been given a gift. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Eddie says without hesitation. He knows that it won’t be easy to push aside his own feelings of inadequacy, of comparing himself to Buck’s parents— but for Buck, he’ll try.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Holly for looking this one over for me <3 I appreciate all the comments and kudos. I know I haven't been great at keeping up with replying to comments these past few weeks, but I still read every one.

“Did you know?” Buck asks as he angles himself in the booth, sliding the steaming latte in front of his sister. It’s been far too long since he’s last seen her, and he’s over the moon that she came to L.A. along with their grandparents. So far their visit has been packed full of business and meetings, and they’re just now getting the chance to talk one-on-one for a well-needed break.

“I was as shocked as you, Evan,” Maddie admits, fingers curling around the handle of her cup as they sit in a busy cafe in the middle of the day. “They just said that we had an important meeting, I didn’t know that it would be this.”

They’re going to retire in a year.

They want Buck and Maddie to be the co-Executive Directors of the company, much like their grandparents had been for all of these years.

“So, what do you think?” Buck loves this company and has a special place in his heart for the branch that he runs in California, but to know that his grandparents won’t be at the helm anymore? It feels _strange_.

“I think that after all these years, after all they did to make sure that we had a good childhood, all the work that they’ve put in— that they deserve a happy retirement. They’ve spent so many years working so hard. They’ve earned it, especially having to raise their grandkids when they were in their forties.”

Buck sips from his iced coffee before setting it on top of the table, his leg bouncing anxiously. “I know. They do, they’ve always done way more than was expected, way more than anyone else would have.” He runs his thumb over the edge of the mason jar glass that contains his coffee, distracted by the ridges in the jar.

Maddie knocks his knee gently under the table. “The best part is that you get to stay here in L.A., even when we officially take over, right?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t imagine leaving all of this— y’know, the L.A. division, behind.”

Maddie hums at him over her drink. “Anything else you couldn’t imagine leaving behind?”

“ _Mads_.”

“ _Evan_.” Buck rolls his eyes at her tone. He knows that she’s right; there’s way more than just the company keeping him here in L.A. There are people keeping him here. Josh, Jayden… and now Eddie and Christopher.

“Fine, there are other things keeping me rooted here, too. Not _just_ the company,” he admits.

Maddie raises her eyebrow at him, fully expecting him to keep talking.

“For one, Josh. He’s my best friend, I couldn’t imagine a week going by without drinks at the loft.”

“And?” Maddie presses, clearly unimpressed with his aversion of the topic.

“And Jayden,” Maddie squints at him, but he continues anyway. “That kid has been through way more than any eleven-year-old should have to go through. I just…” Buck trails off and sighs quietly. “I hope that what I’m doing is enough for him to realize that he’s not alone.”

“He’s not yours, Buck.” Maddie reminds him, reaching across the table and squeezing his hand. “But, you’re still doing more than anyone else in that kid’s life, giving him a consistency that nobody else has. I know it may not feel like much, like it’s not enough... but it is.” She purses her lips together before pressing on. “Why do you think of all the kids at the center, that he’s the one you’re investing your time in?”

Buck shrugs, cupping the mason jar between both of his hands. “I don’t know. The kid doesn’t have anyone else.”

“Yeah,” Maddie concedes, “but there are other kids at the center that are in similar situations. Other kids that have uninvolved parents.”

Buck opens his mouth to speak and sighs a little, setting his drink down. “He reminds me of you, Mads. You weren’t too much younger than that when Mom and Dad left, when Gram and Gramps took us in. You struggled with so much until they got you settled back into activities. And, I just... I think that the center—that basketball—can help to get him through this. He’s really talented, and he’s a great kid underneath everything else.”

“He’s lucky to have you,” Maddie says, her expression turning into a fond smile.

“Maybe, but I feel lucky to have him in my life, too.”

Maddie’s smile turns into an outright grin at Buck’s words, and as soon as she starts talking Buck knows that she has him right where she wants him. “Speaking of being lucky to have someone in your life. Let’s talk about Eddie.”

Buck groans.

* * *

It’s going to be fine. That’s what Buck keeps telling himself, anyway. He pulls into the parking lot at Let Me Out, an escape room venue in LA., something that’s become a bit of a Buckley tradition when they all get together. Only this time there will be the addition of Eddie—and Josh, as a buffer.

Buck’s stomach is in knots. It was his idea for Eddie to meet his family, but it was only supposed to be for dinner. Maddie booked the room and then told Buck that Eddie _had_ to come. It is tradition, after all. The thing is, Buck always has fun at these things but sometimes his family can be a little competitive and hyper-focused on beating their best time.

And the worst one of them all is Buck.

He’s not sure Eddie’s ready for this side of him. So, maybe if he tries hard enough then he can reign it in and keep a cap on his competitive side. Buck shuts the door to the Jeep, Maddie climbing out of the passenger side. “So, are you ready to obliterate this thing?”

“I—” Buck stops himself with a chuckle. Of course he wants to say yes, but instead he stops himself. “I just want everybody to have fun.”

“What you mean is, you don’t want Eddie to see how competitive you are,” Maddie teases with a knowing grin.

“Oh, shut up.”

They make their way inside of the venue to where Josh and their grandparents are already waiting. Buck rolls his bottom lip between his teeth anxiously before glancing at the time. He knows that Eddie has some reservations about meeting Buck’s grandparents, especially after the events of this past week and Eddie’s confession to him.

But he’s also really excited that for the first time ever, he _wants_ to introduce his folks to someone he's dating.

Eddie doesn’t keep them waiting long, he shows up promptly for their time slot. He looks good, his favorite henley clinging to his torso in all the right places. It’s easy for Buck to see the tension in Eddie’s upper body, the way that he moves more rigidly than usual. Smiling at him nervously, Eddie slots their fingers together and kisses him quickly on the cheek. They listen to the overview and sign the waiver before the six of them are all locked inside.

“So, did you all explain to poor Eddie here, that this is a _Buckley_ thing?” Josh asks with a smirk.

Buck laughs as he glances from his grandparents, to Maddie and then to Eddie, finally.

“I did try to explain it.” Buck cringes.

“We’re on the clock,” Maddie says dryly. “Aren’t you gonna go for the record?”

Buck’s eyes remain on Eddie who sends an encouraging smile in his direction. That’s all the encouragement that Buck needs before he begins buzzing around the room. Eddie confides that it is, in fact, his first time doing an escape room so he’s not even sure what to expect. He seems relieved when the Buckleys know exactly what to do.

“Okay, okay…” Buck observes the room, first looking for locks or knots of any kind to start with. “What about this combination lock?”

Maddie breaks off with their grandparents, winking at Buck which makes it clear that she’s doing so to keep Eddie at ease and with Buck, at least until they finish with the escape room.

“What about the numbers on the wall?” Josh asks. “There’s one over here on the poster, and another one on that green box—”

“—uh, okay, the third number,” Eddie says, looking around the room.

“Ah, maybe this?” Buck says with a grin as he motions towards a number located in the lower left hand corner of a painting. Josh goes to work with trying the different possible orders of numbers, until on the fourth try the lock pops open. Inside the box is a skeleton key.

“Puzzle box,” Gramps says as they set it on the table. “What if we put this here—”

“The other way,” Maddie directs, motioning with her hands. “No, try turning it instead.” They all work cohesively, and Buck’s happy with how smoothly everything seems to go. It may not have been the best place for them to meet Eddie for the first time, with no time to talk, but at least he can get a feel for them before dinner. Hopefully, Eddie helping Gram with the knot puzzle that ends up being the key to getting them out of the room is a step in the right direction.

Maddie and Josh have fallen into step beside each other as the group of six makes their way out to the parking lot afterwards.

“Okay, but let’s be brutally honest for a second. If I’d left it to them and not interfered then these two idiots would have never spoken to each other again,” Josh says.

“Hey!” Buck shouts, his voice raising an octave as Maddie snorts a laugh in front of him.

“Well, it’s not untrue.” Eddie concedes and Buck notices the way that he glances at Gram and Gramps. Buck feels a momentary buzz of anxiety. They haven’t really talked to Eddie much at all, aside from solving the puzzles. And Buck knows that’s going to change very shortly when all of them, with the exception of Josh, head back to Buck’s for dinner. Very much a ‘meet the parents’ but instead, with grandparents. As much as Buck wants that, he wouldn’t mind having Josh stick around as a buffer for dinner, to make things a little bit _easier_. “This was really great, Christopher would love something like this.”

“Who’s Christopher?” Gram asks, looking at him curiously as they stop in the parking lot.

“Oh, uh, Christopher? He’s my son.”

“You have a _son_?” Gramps says with surprise —and maybe a hint of judgement— evident in his voice.

Eddie glances at Buck and he sees surprise there, instantly he realizes that he forgot to tell his grandparents about Chris ahead of time.

“You’re an idiot. You really didn’t tell them?” Maddie mutters at Buck with a roll of her eyes.

“Yeah, I do. He’s eight,” Eddie says with a tight smile, keeping his answer short.

Usually he loves talking about Christopher, but it’s obvious to Buck that he’s uncomfortable, the tension in his shoulders returning..

“And his mother?”

“Gramps,” Buck scolds as his head snaps over to look at his grandfather. He gets that in some way they still look at him as their ‘little boy’, one that needs protecting, but he doesn’t need to be protected from Eddie, of all people.

“No, it’s okay,” Eddie says with a forced smile. “His mother’s not in the picture, hasn’t been for a long time.”

“Eddie’s a great dad,” Josh cuts in, gently slapping Eddie on the shoulder. He watches as Josh’s head dips down so that he’s closer to Eddie, speaking just above a whisper. “Good luck, man, you’re gonna do great.”

Buck sure hoped that this was going to go as smoothly as he’s been hoping for.

* * *

Buck had the brilliant idea to not only have Eddie meet Buck’s grandparents tonight, but for Buck to meet Eddie’s abuela, too. With the important roles that both of their grandparents have played in their lives up until this point, it only seemed right that this would be the big meeting, in lieu of meeting each other’s parents.

After the way that Gramps approached the topic of Christopher, Buck feels the need to explicitly warn his family to be nice and remind them that this isn’t meant to be an interrogation. He knows that they mean well, they want to protect him, but he doesn’t want Eddie to leave regretting every second that he spends with them tonight.

“We just want the best for you,” Gram assures him, cradling his cheek. “We want to make sure that _he’s_ the best. For you.”

Buck sighs. He knows that he’s had struggles with Eddie already and that they’ve only been together for a relatively short time. There’s a part of Buck that firmly believes that bypassing those hurdles early in their relationship will do nothing but make them stronger as a unit. He’d confided in Maddie about things, when Eddie wasn’t talking to him and he can only hope that she didn’t share any of that with their grandparents, because the last thing that they needed was any added leverage. “Just give him a chance. Don’t write him off as not being good enough before you’ve even had a real conversation with him, okay?”

Buck hears the doorbell and gives them one last warning glance before he disappears to answer the front door, letting Eddie and Isabel inside. “Buck, this is my grandmother, Isabel. Abuela, this is my boyfriend, Buck.”

“Oh, I’ve heard so much about you already.” Isabel smiles warmly at him. “I brought a tres leche cake for dessert, where should I put it?”

Buck thanks her for being so thoughtful before he directs her towards the kitchen where his grandparents and Maddie are sitting.

As Buck moves to follow Isabel toward the kitchen, Eddie loosely grabs his wrist to stop him. Glancing at him, Buck registers the nervousness on Eddie’s face.

“Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, it’s—”

“— it’ll be fine,” Buck promises, stepping in closer and placing a quick peck on Eddie’s lips. “I’ve gotta get in the kitchen to finish getting dinner going, you want to help?”

Eddie opens his mouth to speak and Buck laces their fingers together.

“Just chopping the vegetables, no _actual_ cooking required,” he teases.

“You’re almost as bad as my abuela, you know?” Eddie mutters as they walk into the kitchen together.

“What’s this about your abuela?” Isabel asks Eddie with a pointed look.

“Nothing, Abuela,” Eddie mutters as he steps beside where Buck is working at the counter.

Eddie sets a hand gently on his hip, speaking to Buck, his voice soft and warm. “What should I start with?”

“Um,” Buck slides the cutting board in front of Eddie before he sets down several brightly-colored bell peppers on top of it. “Start with chopping these.”

“Edmundo,” Isabel calls from where she’s sitting with Buck’s grandparents. “Come sit with us.”

“I’m helping Buck with dinner.” Eddie barely has the words out before Isabel begins to chuckle at him. The sound is light and teasing.

“ _Edmundo_.”

Eddie takes a breath before turning around to look at Isabel. “Yes, Abuela?”

“You _can’t_ cook,” she reminds him gently.

“Well, our Evan is a great cook,” Gram says, and Buck drops a hand to Eddie’s lower back.

“It’s a good thing that Eddie joined the LAFD, so at least now he can put out the fires that he starts in the kitchen.” Isabel's voice sounds amused as she brings the drink up to her lips.

“Abuela,” Eddie groans as he scrubs a hand down over his face.

“Eddie’s not _that_ bad anymore,” Buck promises her. In the short time that they’ve been dating he’s come a long way where cooking is concerned. “One of our first dates was a cooking class, and I swear, he didn’t burn anything down. Signed up for the rest of the classes in the series.”

Buck winks at Eddie, and it looks like Eddie would be willing to sacrifice a limb for a change in subject. “Eddie’s her star student, the most improved.”

“Buck, I don’t think you’re helping,” Eddie says with a light flush to his cheeks. Clearly he’s embarrassed or just nervous about this entire night, but it looks so damn good on him.

“Hmm,” Isabel hums as she takes a sip from the glass of wine that Maddie gave her. “I’ve been trying to teach him since he was a boy. I wonder what you have that I don’t.”

Buck chokes out a surprised laugh and Maddie quickly brings her wine glass to her lips, eyes dancing with amusement.

“So.” Eddie chokes on his laugh. “I’d say it’s time for a drink.”

* * *

“I don’t think it was that bad,” Buck says, kissing the sensitive skin behind Eddie’s ear, as his weight sinks back into him. Hours later, all of the family has left, and it’s just the two of them curled up together on the couch.

Eddie snorts as he rests his head back against Buck’s shoulder. “Are you sure we were at the same dinner tonight?”

“I think that, just maybe, I’m a little bit more of an optimist than you are,” Buck says.

For all of the nervousness and anxiety that went into this night, it went way better than he was expecting.

“I think that, _just maybe_ ,” Eddie mimics, “I took the brunt of the attention so you just felt it a little bit less.”

Buck laughs against Eddie’s skin and he feels Eddie sag against him more, the tension bleeding out of him as Buck drops a few more light kisses there.

“You’re just being a baby because you got teased about not being able to cook, and we both know that’s a sensitive subject.” Buck smirks as he glances at the television, deciding to turn it off since they aren’t really watching it anyway.

“Maybe,” Eddie concedes, and hears the smile in his voice even though he can’t see his face. He sounds downright _happy_. “Though, I am over the moon that your grandparents brought an album from your childhood and left it for me to look through.”

“Eddie, you can’t actually look at those,” Buck warns, his voice nearly a whine.

He cannot see how nerdy a young Evan Buckley was. It’s _unfair_.

“Oh, sure I can. Maybe even tonight, since they’re only in town for another couple of days.” Eddie makes a move to get up, and instead of letting him go, Buck tightens his arms around his waist, making it impossible for him to get up from the couch. “ _Buck_.”

“You are not looking at those right now.”

Eddie scoffs at that, shifting within his hold. “And what would you have me do instead?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I think I have some ideas,” Buck whispers against the shell of Eddie’s ear, feeling him shiver in his arms at the contact, until Eddie shifts in his arms, turning so that he’s chest to chest with Buck.

Running his thumb against the rough stubble at Eddie’s jawline, he eliminates the rest of the space between their faces, until he feels Eddie’s lips against his, moving soft and slow, tongue teasing against his lips.

Buck murmurs something into Eddie’s lips before pressing a hand lightly against his chest, ending the kiss. “You know why they want you to look at those, don’t you?”

Eddie’s thumb moves against the hinge of Buck’s jaw. “Hmm?”

Buck tries his best to conceal a laugh. “Maddie has a theory.”

“I’m not sure if I want to hear this.” Eddie shifts on the couch until he’s no longer pressing against Buck’s broad chest and instead relaxing into his side.

“She said she overheard a conversation between your abuela and Gram,” Buck explains, wrapping an arm around Eddie’s waist and tugging him closer, fingertips moving mindlessly against his lower back. “They were speculating on whether you wanted any more kids, and Isabel was showing Gram pictures of Chris.”

“Okay,” Eddie draws the word out slowly, narrowing his eyes at Buck, like he knows he’s missing the biggest piece of the pizzle. He’s trying really hard to contain his laughter, but the curious expression on Eddie’s face is almost too much. “And?”

“And,” Buck continues as he curls his lips into an amused smile, “They began to talk about what a Buckley baby would look like.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Eddie mutters, but his shoulders begin to shake with laughter in spite of it, betraying the act that he’s unhappy about all of it. “They wanted me to picture what your babies… _our_ babies would look like.”

Hearing Eddie speak those words fills Buck’s chest with warmth. It’s not something that Buck’s thought about often, having children of his own, especially with the last several years of his life being a single-minded focus on work.

But hearing the suggestion fall from Eddie’s lips? Buck doesn’t hate the idea of a family with him.

Buck’s always been the baby of the family, and Gram has teased Maddie about babies for the last few years. That’s always been reserved to Maddie, until today. As if Eddie being in his life now opens up an entirely different world of possibilities. Buck tries not to allow himself to get too lost there.

“Do you want kids?” Eddie asks as he works his fingers along the strong line of Buck’s shoulders.

“I hadn’t really given it too much thought lately,” Buck admits honestly, his job, the kids at the center—they’ve been his primary focus for years.

He’d never been this involved in his work before he moved to L.A., this invested in _anything_. With the announcement that he’ll be taking over as the Executive Director, a part of him wonders how he’ll ever be able to balance work and fatherhood, if that’s something that he wants down the line.

“But, yeah,” Buck continues. “It’s something I’ve always kind of wanted. Just never really considered. With my work at the center, especially my work with Jayden… I’m not sure how kids of my own would fit in. How I’d ever be able to balance it all.”

“If you ever figure out how to balance it all, let me know. Christopher is eight and I still feel like I don’t have it figured out yet.” Eddie continues to work his fingers over Buck, following the curve of his shoulder, kneading the muscle there. “Loving your kid and doing your best—it’s really all you can do.”

There’s a softness and honesty there that Buck wants to get lost in, so he smiles at the words before pressing his lips to Eddie’s, his muscles begin to relax under the feeling of Eddie kneading his tired muscles.

“Maybe remember that next time you’re beating yourself up?”

Eddie narrows his eyes at Buck as if he’s been betrayed, so Buck leans forward and presses his lips against Eddie’s again, more delicately this time.

“Yeah,” Eddie finally agrees when Buck pulls back, and after the way the last few days have been, he chooses to take that as a sign of progress.

They cuddle beside each other in companionable silence for a while and Buck thinks that Eddie’s fallen asleep against him.

“So, I was thinking,” Eddie says quietly. “You’ve been talking about Jayden a lot. He’s almost the same age as Chris, and you said he doesn’t really have many people in his life. What if… what if we did something with him and Chris?”

Buck’s taken aback by Eddie’s words, opening his eyes and pulling back a little to look down at Eddie. “Really?”

“Yeah.” The smile that tugs at the corner of Eddie’s lips takes Buck’s breath away. “Really. I want to be a part of your world and know everyone in it, including Jayden.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the lovely [marciaelena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marciaelena) for the beta, I appreciate it as always!

If someone had told Eddie six months ago that he’d be willingly going to cooking lessons, he would have laughed in their face. Yet here he is in Bobby’s kitchen, eyes watering as he dices an onion. With everything going on with Buck over the last couple of weeks, he’d stopped dropping by and made excuses to not stop over.

He’d almost canceled today, too.

He’s been going out with Buck more, spending more time away from Christopher, which sent him spiraling into guilt for not physically being there. Bobby knew him too well and told him that Athena would be home, so he was welcome to bring Christopher along. They arrived over an hour ago and he only briefly saw the back of Christopher’s head as they hurried off to Harry’s room. Clearly he’s way more interested in his friend than spending time with his dad.

“I’m glad you’ve stopped avoiding me,” Bobby says, pulling the pan of bacon from the burner. “You should ask Athena, I was starting to get a complex.”

“Bobby—” Eddie sighs as Bobby puts a large pot on the stove, adding some butter.

“Bring those over here. We’re gonna cook those and the bacon drippings until the onions are translucent.” Bobby motions toward the pot, adding the drippings to the bottom. Eddie does as Bobby instructs, standing in front of the pot to keep a close eye on them. “The real trick to cooking is timing, really listening and paying attention to the _clues_ and _hints_ that the food’s giving you.”

“Bobby,” Eddie says dryly as he glances away from the pot and looks at Bobby with his brow raised. “Are you talking about the food, or are you using the onions I’m cooking as a metaphor?”

The skin around Bobby’s eyes crinkle as he smiles, and he gently claps Eddie on the shoulder. “Why can’t it be both?”

Eddie laughs and Bobby steps closer with the flour, reducing the heat on the burner to medium and instructing Eddie to whisk for a couple of minutes. “I guess it could be both,” he concedes.

“You seem like you’re doing a lot better.”

“I am,” Eddie admits, whisking the flour that’s been added to the pot. “I realize that maybe I didn’t make the best decisions where Buck is concerned.”

_Understatement of the century._

Ghosting his boyfriend because of his own issues and insecurities was downright fucking idiotic.

“Have you ever considered listening to me, son?” Bobby asks with a teasing smile, but Eddie feels his heart constrict a bit; in the last year or so Bobby has become more like a dad to him than his own father ever was. That should make him feel sad, maybe disappointed, but all he feels is grateful. “I do seem to remember telling you to talk to Buck and leave the decision up to him.”

“It was never about you, Bobby. But, you were right, and Buck deserves better than that.”

He deserves worlds more than that. Maybe more than Eddie will ever be able to give him—more than he’ll ever have the ability to _show_ him. At least now he’s working towards showing Buck just how important he is, how much he values him, and that’s a start.

“You both do.”

Eddie’s jaw drops open a little as the half and half is added into the pot. “I’m still wrapping my head around that. I-I know that punishing myself for the past isn’t going to undo it, and that I need to let Buck into that part of my life more.” Eddie continues to whisk the mixture in the pot as Bobby watches him. “It’s just a little easier said than done.”

“One step at a time,” Bobby pulls out the chicken broth and milk. “You’re doing great, Eddie. You might’ve had a misstep or two, but who hasn’t? You’re trying to do better, you _are_ doing better— in your relationship with Buck, as a dad, as a person—and it’s noticed more than you think.”

“So, uh.” Eddie swallows as he continues to whisk the mixture, putting aside the way that Bobby’s praise and acknowledgement of his effort makes him feel. “I met his grandparents, and he met my abuela.”

Bobby grins at his admission, a smile like a kid who’s just won a prize at a carnival. “That’s great, Eddie.”

Eddie lets out an outright laugh, stopping to let his arm rest for a few moments. “It was interesting, I definitely felt like I was under the microscope for a little bit there. It’s been a while since I felt like I had to impress someone’s parents and I think… I think because of his history that they’re a little more protective of him. It took them a little bit to warm up.”

“But they did, didn’t they.” Even though it’s phrased like a question, there’s no lilt in Bobby’s tone as he waits for Eddie to continue.

“They did,” Eddie says quietly, maybe a little awed at the idea that he didn’t screw it up. Over the years, he’s gotten so used to being a disappointment; to Christopher, Shannon, and his parents.

It accumulated with his parents for many years, and he knows that he’ll probably never be able to mend their relationship. He’s tried to make peace with the fact that he’ll never be the son that they wanted or the dad that they expected him to be. Now he knows that he has Abuela in his corner, like always, and that Buck’s grandparents accept him.

“It went better than either of us expected. Though I definitely didn’t think they would have me wondering what Buck’s babies would look like.”

Bobby lets out an easy laugh as he adds the chicken, cheese and noodles to the pot. “This needs to simmer for about 45 minutes. I’ll set the timer and we can go outside for a few and check in on Athena and the kids.”

Eddie steps outside with Bobby, finding Athena enjoying a cup of coffee. She’s watching over the boys who have finally made their way out of Harry’s room. They're playing with a couple of remote control cars. Bobby bends down and places a quick kiss against Athena’s cheek.

“Is my kitchen still in one piece?” Athena challenges, her gaze directed at Eddie as she glances over her mug.

“Yes, ma’am,” Eddie nods as he watches Christopher, who seems to be having the time of his life with his friend. The smile that spreads across Eddie’s face is automatic when he notices how much fun he is having. He deserves more moments like this. “Thank you for letting me bring him along.”

“You’re family,” Athena tells him simply. “Family is always welcome here.”

She says it so plainly, like it’s an obvious statement. Eddie realizes that for the Grant-Nash family, _it is._ Family comes first, always, and that family isn’t always made up of blood relatives. Sometimes you’re born into it, sometimes you marry into it… and sometimes the bonds form over time, turning friends into family.

“So,” Athena prods with Bobby at her side, hand resting at the small of her back. “How are things going with the boy?”

“Christopher? He’s—”

“Boy,” Athena uses her mom-voice as she looks at him closely, the mug held firmly between her hands. “I am not talking about your _son_.”

Eddie barks out a surprised laugh.

“Oh, Buck. Things were shaky for a minute, but we’re doing good. We’re seeing each other a few times a week. With our work schedules and working around Christopher’s schedule it can be hard sometimes, but we’re working through it.”

“He’s so busy,” Bobby says. “It can’t be easy doing what he does.”

“He is,” Eddie agrees, but shrugs lightly as he settles in to spend time with the found family that surrounds him. “But somehow Buck manages to make time for it all.”

* * *

Christopher is finally tucked in. After three excuses to get out of bed including calling Eddie because he needed a drink, asking him if they could have pancakes for breakfast, and, lastly, telling him about what he was going to do for his science project—he’s now thankfully asleep. Usually he’s a pretty easy kid to put to bed, but tonight’s definitely been the exception.

Eddie grabs a beer from the fridge before he plops onto the couch and searches through Netflix mindlessly, not finding anything that catches his attention.

He thinks back to his earlier conversation with Bobby, when the topic had turned to Buck’s work and The Limitless Project, and he realized there was a lot that he still didn’t know. Eddie opens the browser on his laptop and begins to scour the website, reading their mission statement and what it is that they do. He searches each of the tabs: _our facilities_ , _our mission statement_ , _our services_ , and then finally, _our staff_. He takes his time with each one but when he gets to _our services_ , there’s a knock on the front door.

Eddie glances at the clock before he makes his way to the door. “Chim,” he says, clearly surprised when he pulls the door open.

“Hey, Eddie.” Chim shifts his weight from foot to foot, a distraught look pulling at his features. It’s obvious that something is bothering him, which explains him stopping by so unexpectedly.

“Are you alright?”

“I—” Chim lets out a bitter laugh. “My dad called.” Eddie lets Chimney in and closes the door behind him. Walking back to the fridge, he gets another beer. If there’s anyone who gives Ramon a run for his money, it’s Chimney’s dad. Obviously something triggered this sudden visit, so he waits while Chim takes a few sips before he continues. “It’s the first birthday he’s called me since I left Seoul.”

Eddie’s not sure how he’s supposed to respond to that. If he’s supposed to ask him a question, or maybe tell him that it could be a good thing? Maybe his dad is coming around, more than Eddie thinks he’ll ever be able to say for his own father. Chim takes a few large swallows from the beer. “That’s good that he remembered,” Eddie decides on, and he grimaces once he says the words. Whatever he was supposed to say to be there for his friend, those weren’t the words to support him.

“He didn’t know it was my birthday,” Chimney says with a bitter laugh. “He called to ask if I’d seen my _brother_.” He spits out the last word like it’s filled with poison and he’s choking on how much he hates to say it out loud.

Eddie’s brow pinches together with confusion. “Your brother?” he asks carefully. He searches his memory and he’s absolutely certain that Chimney has never talked about a brother. “I didn’t know you had a brother. And— why would you have seen him? You’re thousands of miles away.”

“Well, apparently the golden boy had enough of dear old dad and hopped onto a plane to get away from him.” Chimney slouches on the couch, letting the beer bottle rest against his thigh as Eddie plops down beside him. “Decided my birthday was the perfect time to show up.”

“Where is he now?”

“I sent him away,” Chim mutters, taking several more long swallows from the beer. “He can go back to Seoul, back to his parents. What does he need me for? I’m nothing but a stranger to him.”

“You’re his brother,” Eddie reminds him, even though it does feel a bit hypocritical. He hasn’t seen Adriana or Sophia in a couple of years, not because they’ve done anything wrong or because he has a strained relationship with either one of them, but because of the way that Eddie feels when he’s around his parents. “I don’t think he’d come thousands of miles for no reason. There has to be some reason that he came to _you_.”

Chim shrugs. “I guess he has his reasons. He gave me his number in case I wanted to talk. I just… it’s really hard to look at a reminder of all that you’re incapable of being, of all that you’ll never _be_.”

“I know it’s not easy,” Eddie says. “I know that while your dad basically cast you off, he started this new family and that’s shitty, but I doubt that your dad’s become the perfect parent over the years. People don’t change that easily. So, maybe give the kid a chance?”

“Maybe,” Chim grumbles, clearly unhappy with the admission before he finishes off his beer.

Eddie glances at his friend, then offers him a wan smile. “I know your dad’s ruined a lot for you, man, but that’s not your brother’s fault. I just would hate for you to push him away and regret the decision later on.”

After they finish off a second beer, Chimney calls Albert and asks if he can stop over by his apartment in the morning so that they can talk.

Eddie thinks he’ll sleep a little better tonight knowing his friend hasn’t slammed a door shut that could lead to a real relationship with Albert. After Chim leaves, Eddie yawns into the crook of his elbow, deciding that climbing into bed and watching some Netflix sounds like the perfect way to end his night.

* * *

Eddie wakes up to a foot in his face. He groans as he rolls away from Christopher, throwing an arm over his eyes.

“Why’re you in here so early?” he grumbles, poking Christopher’s side with his free hand, causing him to giggle and squirm.

“Dad!”

“What?” Eddie laughs as he peeks an eye out from under his arm to watch his son.

“No tickling.”

“My bed, my rules,” he says, and Christopher laughs harder. Somehow he managed to get a day off from the station when school’s closed for a conference day. It’s supposed to be a nice day out, and Eddie feels like lately they haven’t really had many of those, at least not ones that they’ve been able to enjoy together. The sun peeks in through the curtains and Eddie continues to shield his eyes from the brightness. “So, I was thinking maybe we could go to the park today. We could ask if Buck would like to come. What do you think?”

“I like Buck,” Christopher supplies.

_morning handsome_

**8:02 am**

_morning_

**Buck ● 8:02 am**

_so i know it’s last minute_

**8:03 am**

_but?_

**Buck ● 8:03 am**

_chris and i wanted to know if you could join us at the park_

_like i said, i know it’s last minute_

**8:03 am**

_i think i can clear it with the boss_

**Buck ● 8:04 am**

_really? chris is gonna be so excited_

**8:04 am**

_just chris? ;)_

_what time?_

**Buck ● 8:06 am**

_10? and if you can bring jayden_

_chris could use another friend_

**8:08 am**

Eddie smiles as he lays on his side, looking at Chris who sprawls out, taking up more than half of the queen-sized bed. “How can someone so small take up so much space?”

“I’m not small, Dad.”

“Oh,” Eddie ponders with a laugh. Christopher isn’t a _little_ boy anymore. “Right. Well, you better start getting ready so that we’re not late getting to the park. Let’s get a move on it,” he urges before poking his son’s sides in another tickle attack, smiling as Christopher breaks out into another peal of laughter.

* * *

“I told you we were going to be late,” Eddie says in a sing-song voice as he pulls into the lot at the park. “Maybe _next time_ when I tell you it’s time to go, you’ll listen.”

“Yes, Dad,” Christopher grumbles from the backseat. It’s been a struggle lately getting Christopher ready to go anywhere on time. It always starts out well enough, but once he gets on his tablet he barely hears anything Eddie has to say. He’s a good kid, but Eddie is tired of having to repeat himself ten times before he even gets a response. ‘Just five minutes’ turns into twenty minutes which turns into an hour. Maybe some time outside of the house with another kid his age will help.

Or, maybe he just needs to eliminate screen time altogether.

“Let’s go, so,” Eddie says as he hops out of the truck and comes around to Christopher’s door, helping him with his crutches. He glances around before spotting Buck on the basketball court with Jayden.

“Hey,” Buck says as they walk up to the court, and he’s beaming.

“Hey yourself.” Eddie smiles and tries to ignore how a simple word can make his heart flutter. Eddie’s gaze slides over to Chris. “Sorry we’re late,” he says pointedly.

Buck dismisses the apology with a wave of his hand. “You’re just on time.” His eyes linger on Eddie and he can’t help but smile under that gaze. A few moments later Eddie’s thoughts are interrupted by the dribbling of the basketball. “Eddie and Chris, this is Jayden. Jay, this is my boyfriend Eddie, and his son, Chris.”

“Hey Jayden, it’s nice to meet you.” Jayden doesn’t look up, but continues dribbling the ball before taking a shot. He remains silent as he moves to grab the ball.

“ _Jay_.”

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Jayden mutters, keeping his gaze averted. Eddie remembers Buck talking to him about the kid. Most of the time he tries holding himself together, and not allowing his other emotions to come through. He recognizes the way that he’s trying to practice control now: he oozes attitude, carries himself rigidly, clenching his jaw and rolling his eyes as though everything is an annoyance.

Eddie’s able to recognize characteristics of himself in this kid that he’s never even met before. The way that Eddie’s shoved his feelings and emotions down for most of his life. Until Buck showed him he didn’t have to do that anymore, and that it’s okay to let those feelings show.

“Do you want to play?” Chris asks as he moves closer to where Jayden stands on the basketball court.

“Basketball?” Jayden asks, eyeing Christopher.

Christopher shakes his head. “On the playground.” Christopher laughs and it’s like Eddie can see the other boy’s defenses lower just a little.

“I—” Jayden says, looking for an excuse. Eddie sees the way that his eyes dart around, searching for any reason to say no. Jayden looks at Buck, then Eddie, then back to Chris. He finally decides to say something, looking between the three of them again. “Fine,” he agrees reluctantly. The word comes out clipped, but it doesn’t seem to phase Christopher, who steadily makes his way over to the playground as he follows Jayden.

“He seems thrilled to be here,” Eddie observes as Buck walks in the direction of the playground that’s only about twenty feet away. Eddie gently grabs his wrist, stopping him from following the boys. “They’re fine. We can see them from here.” Buck hesitates and opens his mouth to argue before Eddie silences him with a chaste kiss. “I promise.”

Buck nods, lacing their fingers together. “I know they’re fine.”

Eddie kisses the back of Buck’s hand before releasing it, retrieving the basketball. “Okay, then we’re not going to hover,” he says, passing the ball to Buck.

“Can you even play?” Buck teases.

“I can. How well I can play is an entirely different subject,” Eddie admits. So, with the two boys in view they begin to play a game of basketball. It’s obvious quickly that Buck is way more practiced than Eddie is, and he’s being absolutely obliterated by his boyfriend.

So much for losing gracefully.

“Maybe we should play for something, y’know, like we played darts,” Buck suggests with a coy smile.

“So in other words, you basically want a sure win.”

“I’m definitely not against it.” Buck shrugs, stepping closer to Eddie and leaning into his space. “Besides, you got to kick my ass at darts, so it’s only fair.”

Maybe that’s true, and he’s sure that whatever Buck comes up with can’t be all that terrible. “And what would you want to play for?”

“A kiss,” Buck supplies, his eyes not wandering from Eddie’s face.

“Well, _technically_ you’ve already won once.” Eddie watches as Buck bites down on his bottom lip, trying to contain his boyish grin. When Buck tilts his head down angling towards Eddie’s face, he’s unable to stop the smile that spreads easily across his face, as Buck brushes his thumb through the stubble at Eddie’s jawline. This is nothing like their first kiss at the bar. Buck leans into the kiss, taking it soft and slow instead of firm and lustful, and Eddie’s heart races anyway, but for entirely different reasons.

Eddie’s eyes flutter closed as Buck’s lips brush against his, the press of his lips so light that they barely even ghost over Eddie’s. He knows he can’t get lost in it, not with the boys here, anyway.

But it’s what he wants. He wants, he wants—

Buck pulls away abruptly, dropping his hand from where it’s cradling his face. It only takes Eddie a split second for his brain to catch up, the sound of Christopher wailing registering.

_Shit_.

Eddie’s on Buck’s heels quickly, sprinting from the basketball court to where the boys are in a hurry.

“Chris!” Eddie crouches down in front of Christopher where he’s heaped on the ground. Jayden stands behind him, looking even more tense than earlier, if that’s possible, his jaw clenched.

“Chris. Hey bud,” Eddie says calmly, trying to focus his attention on Chris and away from Jayden’s still form. Buck crouches down beside him, eyes scanning over Christopher.

It looks like he has a scraped knee, and he’s never seen his kid moved to tears over a little scrape. The kid has faced far worse situations, gone through surgeries without a single tear, and yet now his body trembles with the intensity of them.

“Chris, tell us what happened,” Buck says, gently grabbing one of Christopher’s hands that are clenched into fists.

“I-I—” Chris stammers, eyes lowered, refusing to look at Buck or Eddie.

“You have to tell us what happened,” Buck insists, and Chris shakes his head emphatically. Clearly he’s not going to talk, at least not yet. He’s curling up into himself, and Eddie breathes out shakily, sitting on the ground beside him, pulling Chris into his lap and rubbing his back soothingly.

“Chris,” Eddie urges softly, kissing the top of his head.

_Silence_.

Eddie feels himself going rigid all over. He doesn’t know Jayden, but he knows Chris and he really isn’t a dramatic kid, so something must have happened to send him into hysterics. These aren’t skinned-knee tears, that much Eddie is sure of.

“Jay,” Buck says his name carefully, looking over at Jayden from his crouched position. “What _happened_?”

Jayden takes a step back, a look of utter hurt crossing his face before it’s quickly replaced by something else, something Eddie recognizes immediately; _anger_.

“Why— why are you asking it like that? Like you think I did something _wrong_. Of course you’d take his side.” Jayden takes several more steps back, retreating from them. Eddie knows he should be worried for him, too, but all of the worry that is pouring out of him is focused on the kid that’s curled limply against his body; _his_ kid. “Don’t worry about me anymore, okay? Just— don’t.”

“Jayden,” Buck calls as he watches him go, his voice sounding desperate. “Jay, get back here,” he pleads, beginning to follow as Jayden moves towards the wooded area, and Eddie can only watch from his spot on the grass.

“Buck,” Eddie says tersely as he watches Buck begin to follow; his heart aches, but he feels anger and frustration mounting in his chest. He kisses the top of Christopher’s head as he swipes the tears away, finding Buck’s heavy gaze. Eddie hears the anger in his own tone as he calls after Buck, and he knows he should flinch at the sound of his voice, but he doesn’t. “He did someth—”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Buck snaps, walking backward in the direction that Jayden went in, the look on his face utterly broken. “You said they were fine, you said _this_ would be fine. Fuck, Eddie. I’ve gotta—” His voice cracks as the sentence drops off, and when he turns away from them and jogs after Jayden’s retreating figure, all Eddie can think is what a mistake he’s made.

Buck told him Jayden had it rough. He’s been in foster care for a while, his mom’s in jail, and she’s in the process of signing over her parental rights to essentially pretend that she never had him at all. Eddie knows the kid is probably struggling with so many things, so much unfairness in his life. Maybe Eddie didn’t think about all of the possible outcomes. It’s a lot for a kid to carry, and he doesn’t even know Jayden, yet he trusted him alone with his son.

Eddie just thought Jayden could use more people in his life, people that _chose_ to do things with him, that could show him that none of what’s happening is his fault.

He thought this would be nice, getting the boys together and just having a fun day together. For Jayden especially, but for Chris, too.

Eddie feels more than he sees Christopher’s trembling fade. It’s replaced by loud and exaggerated sniffles. “Chris,” Eddie whispers as he kisses the crown of his head softly. “You gotta tell me what happened. Did Jayden push you down?”

Christopher shakes his head, like the absolute last thing that he wants to do is talk. “N-n-no.”

“What happened?” Eddie asks, his voice softening even more as he continues to move his hand in soothing circles over his son’s back. When Chris doesn’t respond immediately, Eddie cradles his head against his chest, kissing his forehead. “Mijo, _please_.”

“I fell,” Chris says, and for a minute he doesn’t think he’s going to say anything else about it. “I- he—” Eddie forces himself to be quiet, giving Christopher the time to work through it. “He said I was gonna go home and cry to my parents,” Chris mumbles, chin tucked tightly against his chest, so he doesn’t have to look up at Eddie.

“ _Oh_.” Eddie’s heart breaks a little, wrapping his arms more securely around his son. “It’s okay,” Eddie whispers, running his fingers through Christopher’s curls, the sniffles becoming less ragged and beginning to even out.

“We’re gonna be okay, kid,” Eddie promises as Christopher relaxes against him. Eddie glances up, around the nearly empty playground and finds that Buck and Jayden are nowhere to be seen. His heart drops because they didn’t come back, and maybe that meant that it _wasn’t_ okay.

_We’re gonna be okay._ Eddie repeats the words silently, pushing down the dread knotting in his stomach, hoping that if he tells it to himself enough times maybe they’ll both believe it.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting a bit early as my work hours have changed and morning time is limited. Thanks to the lovely [marciaelena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marciaelena) for the beta, I appreciate you as always!

Jayden silently piles into Buck’s Jeep as they sit in the parking lot at the playground. Eddie left with Chris already—and Buck just let them go. Jayden hasn’t said a word to Buck since his outburst about Buck taking Christopher’s side instead of Jayden’s. There was something like betrayal written across the boy’s face, and Buck’s heart aches at being the cause.

He felt bad for Christopher because he was obviously upset, too, crying in Eddie’s arms and looking so small and broken. But, Buck knew that Chris would be okay because he had his dad to lean on, to make sure that he’d be okay. And who did Jayden have making sure that he was okay, even if he might have been in the wrong?

Eddie had promised him this was going to be fine, that this was going to be _great_ —he was convinced of it. He’d convinced Buck that this was going to be such a great afternoon, too, just them and the boys. One day for Jayden to forget about all that he didn’t have, and feel what it’s like to be normal.

Instead, it ended in complete disaster.

Logically he knows that he can’t lay all of the blame on Eddie, there’s no way that he could’ve known something would happen at the playground between the boys. Finally, Eddie had come around and they were getting past Eddie’s issues and all that had unraveled between the two of them. Things were just getting back to normal and now— it was ruined by _this_.

Eddie had been thinking about Buck and about the things that mattered the most to Buck; the center, and the kids who mattered above all else.

_Jayden_.

All of that thought and concern had been blown apart by an innocent trip to the playground, and Buck feels like he’s undone months of work with Jayden. Countless hours at the basketball court, and all of the small moments outside of the center where Jayden had given him a peek inside at who he really is… aside from this kid trying to prove he’s stronger than the shit that’s happening to him.

“You’re gonna have to talk to me at some point.”

Jayden slouches in the seat and looks out the window, looking away from Buck to avoid talking to him.

Buck starts the Jeep, but they remain in the parking lot. “I know I don’t always say the right thing, Jay. I—I didn’t mean anything back there. I just didn’t know—”

“Didn’t know what I was capable of,” Jayden mumbles, thumbing the hem of his shorts, his eyes lowered. “Kids like me are trouble.” He barely whispers the words, Buck straining to hear them.

“ _No_ ,” Buck says, his voice breaking on the word. That’s not what Buck believes, but it’s obvious that Jayden does, and that guts Buck most of all.

He sees so much of himself in Jayden. So much of who Buck used to be before he realized that being abandoned as a kid didn’t define who he was. Before he realized he deserved good things, that he wasn’t ruined by what he’d been through. Buck had his grandparents and Maddie to help him see that.

Buck hoped that he’d be enough to help Jayden see that about himself, and he’d been hoping that Eddie would be there, too.

“I don’t think that. And there aren’t kids like you, Jay. Just kids,” Buck tells him. “I know it’s not easy to talk about your feelings just because someone is telling you that you should. I know that you think you need to keep all of that bottled up to protect yourself. But Jay, I’m not going to hurt you. I wish you could see that, and know that’s the last thing I want.”

Jayden struggles with Buck’s words, shifting in his seat and crossing his arms over his chest protectively. “I just—” Buck hears the break in Jayden’s voice, and shoves down the desire to turn to look at him. He knows that he’s a kid who has a hard time talking, especially when it’s about his feelings. Seeing the worry carved into Buck’s features might be too much for him to handle, and he might completely shut down. At least now he’s _trying_ to talk.

“I know you wouldn’t intentionally hurt him,” Buck continues, voice firm so there’s no mistaking his belief in Jayden. He knows deep down what kind of a kid Jayden is, and despite all that he’s been through, he’s not a mean or cruel one. “I know accidents happen.”

“I didn’t push him. He wanted to go over to the monkey bars and he wanted to climb and I-I wasn’t sure if he _could_.” The inflection in his voice gives away that he’d actually been looking out for Christopher. “But… then he slipped and fell and scraped his knee.” Jayden tenses as he lets silence fall between them, before he finally steels himself enough to continue. “I thought I’d get in trouble, for not looking out for him and…”

“Then what happened, Jay?”

Buck’s eyes slide over to Jay, seeing him swallow hard past whatever anxiety must be clawing at his chest, trying to escape in any way that he will let it. “I said he was just gonna go home and cry to his parents.”

“Oh, Jay,” Buck whispers softly as the reality behind his words set in. Christopher’s parents. Eddie _and_ Shannon. “Christopher’s mom, she’s not in the picture—she died a few years ago.”

Buck watches as his words register with Jayden and then he looks anywhere but at Buck, regret stiffening every inch of his body . “Can you just drop me off?”

Buck chooses to ignore his request, needing for him to understand what he said and the way that Christopher reacted, that none of it was done with malice. “You couldn’t have known.”

“He’s just so happy. I thought… I thought he had _everything_.” Jayden’s voice quiets considerably as he finishes, his voice barely a whisper. “And now he has you, too.”

The words make Buck stop in his tracks, all of his thoughts about the day and the way things went earlier today screeching to a halt. “What was all of this really about?”

“You have your own family now. A-a boyfriend and a kid,” Jayden stammers, quickly shaking his head against the emotions that are trying to blow through his defenses. “Please, Buck,” he practically begs, voice thick with emotion as he stares back out the window, eyes shining with tears. “I want to go.”

“Having them in my life now… it doesn’t mean that you stop mattering or being a part of my life, too. Them being a part of my life now doesn’t change anything, Jay.”

“I’m just some kid from the center—”

“No, Jay, you’re _not_ ,” Buck promises ardently. He wishes that Jayden could see the mark that he’s made on his life, that his friendship with the boy has become so much more than just a kid at the center that he was trying to help get by. “You’ve never just been some kid from the center. Nobody is going to come into my life and replace you.”

* * *

Buck shifts in his chair as he glances at the clock, the fidget spinner revolving rapidly between his fingers as he waits. He’s never been great at waiting, at keeping his body calm and still while his mind is running at a thousand miles per minute. Having something to concentrate that energy on helps to narrow his focus. He sees Josh lead Mrs. Jackson toward him from behind the neat row of cubicles. “Mrs. Jackson,” Buck greets as he sets the fidget spinner down on his desk and stands up, reaching for her hand.

“So you’re Buck.” She smiles as she extends her hand. “It’s nice to have a face to put to the name. And please, call me Lisa.”

“Lisa,” Buck acquiesces with a smile. “I’m so glad that you could actually make it.” Lisa looks at him with a questioning expression, prompting him to continue without words. “Jay’s been in a few foster homes. I’ve always extended an invitation for his foster parents to come and meet with me—about his progress here at the center, and how that ties into his home life.”

“Jayden’s not my first foster kid,” Lisa says by way of explanation, holding Buck’s steady gaze as she sits down in the offered chair. “I know the importance of us talking.”

“He’s a great kid, if you’re able to get past all of the walls he has up. I just worry with all of the changes, with his mom signing over her parental rights,” Buck admits. It’s a harsh truth that Jayden is losing the one sense of normalcy that he’s ever had. His mom is back in jail and when she does finish her sentence she wants to be rid of that part of her life—motherhood.

Buck pushes down the way that thought makes his gut twist. At the way that he knows Jayden must be feeling. Instead, he tries to focus on his conversation with Lisa.

“I’ve been doing this for a very long time, Mr. Buckley.”

“Buck,” he corrects with a tight smile.

“Okay, _Buck_. I’ve been doing this for a very long time. When Jayden accepts the fact that he’s never going back home with his mom things are either going to get better, or they’re going to get a whole lot worse. I’ve seen it happen more than once in my years of fostering. When kids realize that they’re not getting out of the system it goes one of those two directions, always. Especially kids that are Jayden’s age, who are old enough to understand what’s happening. Younger kids—” Lisa stops as she lets out a tired sigh, “—they have an easier time, because people want to bring little kids into their home.”

Buck pinches the bridge of his nose; hearing Lisa say the things he’s been worried about the most makes him feel even more uneasy, if that’s possible. “He’s really been struggling since her last arrest. He _ran away_ , and some days I feel like all of the progress we’ve made backslides.”

“It’s gonna happen,” she agrees with a small nod, watching as Buck spins the trinket again before she sets her finger on top to stop it with a wry smile. “He’s gonna backslide, more than once. But the difference is that Jayden isn’t truly alone. He has the program here, which is more than a lot of kids have. I have other kids in my care, and I’m doing the best that I can with him— all we can do is hope that’s enough.”

Buck sets the spinner down on the desk, taking a minute to wrap his head around her words. “What else can I do?”

“I… don’t know, Buck. I’ve never had someone ask me that.” Lisa laughs in obvious surprise, and even though her face isn’t humored, it looks softer around the edges now. “I don’t know what you can do.”

Buck rolls his bottom lip between his teeth and glances down at his hands before looking back at Lisa. “I’ve taken him off site a few times, and while things haven’t always gone as planned… I feel like it _is_ helping him to open up more. Would it be okay if I added in some extra time with Jay each week?”

Lisa’s lips turn up in a genuine smile. “That’s more than okay.”

Buck feels so thankful for Lisa, and he prays that with them talking and working together they might be able to do something that will help Jayden through this.

* * *

Buck and Eddie haven’t talked much since the park. A few words here and there, and the words that they have said to each other have been forced and rigid, ready to snap under the pressure of their combined frustration. And that’s not how Buck wants things to be with them, especially after they worked through their issues so recently. Buck knows he’s not blameless in this, and he feels bad for yelling at Eddie and putting the whole situation at the park on Eddie’s shoulders.

That’s how he finds himself spending the better part of his morning baking muffins. He knows Eddie’s on shift today and he hasn’t responded to his texts, so once afternoon passes he decides that he has to see Eddie. Buck knows he’s busy—but he doesn’t want things to get tense with them again, not after how hard they’ve worked to repair it. He wants to be able to talk through things with Eddie; wants to learn that it’s okay to be wrong sometimes.

He wants to learn to apologize when he’s wrong.

Buck steps cautiously into the bay with the tupperware dish in his hands, glancing around the firehouse. He hears chattering from upstairs, and sees Chimney polishing one of the trucks,both of which are glistening and look pristine. He stands awkwardly for a second. “Uh, hey, Chim.”

Chim grins at him. “Buck, it’s _so_ good to see you again.”

“It’s been, what, since we met for drinks, right? I’ve been—” Buck’s words cut off as Eddie and Bobby approach them and he feels his mouth go dry. Partly because the fit of Eddie’s shirt is snug and hugging him in all the right places, but mostly because they haven’t talked since yesterday at the park and Buck feels anxious about how they left things.

“Baking?” Chim finishes for him, motioning towards the large Tupperware container with the muffins.

“Uh, yeah.” Buck chuckles a little as he shifts his weight, moving the container while he stands with Chimney. He watches Eddie break off from Bobby and walk towards them. Chim excuses himself, leaving Buck standing awkwardly holding the muffins. “Hey.”

Eddie’s lips press into a tight line. “Hey.” His voice sounds steady and firm, and Buck wants to wrap himself up in those feelings. He wants to feel sure of himself like that.

“I’m sorry to show up here, at work, so unexpectedly. But, um,” Buck glances down to the container in his hands, remembering the reason that he was here to begin with. “These are for you and the crew.”

Eddie’s squints at him a little and then glances down at the container that Buck is clenching in his hands. “Did you just bake these to bring over?”

“Yeah, I did,” Buck admits. “I- I know the way that I acted yesterday was pretty awful. I had this idea in my head of how things would go when you and Chris met Jayden and everything ended up so completely terrible and I—”

Eddie sighs quietly. “Buck, maybe we can talk about this later. Now’s not the time to hash this out.”

“You’re right. I just wanted to say I’m sorry, and let you know I’m thinking about you.” Buck presses the Tupperware container into Eddie’s hands, hoping that it’s enough, watching his expression soften. “Do you think you can forgive me? Obviously we can talk later, I just don’t want to leave things like this.”

“Of course I forgive you,” Eddie promises without hesitation. “And I’m sorry too. The way I acted… it wasn’t fair to you.”

“We’re getting ready to sit down for dinner,” Bobby announces as he steps closer to the pair. “You’re welcome to stay and eat with us.”

“I don’t want to intrude,” Buck says immediately, casting a glance at Eddie.

“Buck, you’re never an intrusion. Stay,” Eddie requests as he holds the Tupperware container in one hand, reaching out for Buck’s hand with the other one and squeezing. “Please.”

“Alright, well, in that case,” Buck concedes with a grin, squeezing Eddie’s hand back. “I’m starving.”

* * *

“Thanks for coming over,” Eddie says, pressing his lips to Buck’s as he cooks them dinner. Buck smiles into the kiss, putting his hand on Eddie’s hip to stop him from pulling away so quickly. “I’ve gotta finish dinner before Chris gets home.”

Buck shrugs his shoulder before he takes a small step back. “Is there anything that I can help with?”

“No, _I’m_ making dinner this time. You cook for us enough,” Eddie says with a chuckle as he turns back to the stove. It’s not untrue, Buck does cook for them more often than not, but it’s because he likes to. “Besides, Bobby showed me how to make this last week and it seemed easy enough.”

Eddie is really trying to focus on cooking, Buck can see it. But Buck is distracting by nature, talking to him without pause and then the phone rings—Eddie’s abuela.

Eddie puts her on speaker as he tries to finish cooking. “What is it, Abuela?” he asks, as patiently as he can muster.

“I was just calling to let you know that Christopher is doing well and I’m feeding him here,” she says carefully, and Buck can almost hear her grinning as she continues. “I’ll plan to leave around 7:30, but call to let me know, hm? I wouldn’t want to interrupt anything.”

The pan on the stove is beginning to smoke and Eddie promptly removes it from the burner, moving it to another one. “ _Abuela_.” Eddie’s tone is scolding, but he looks at the pan of food as he sighs. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you at 7:30.“

“Dinner looks… great,” Buck says carefully. They both glance down at the overcooked chicken and vegetables in the pan. He can feel the tension coming off of Eddie, and Buck places a grounding hand on his lower back. “I’m sure it still tastes great.”

“You’re not eating this just to soothe my bruised ego.” Eddie laughs as he sets the pot holder down on the counter and motions to the pan. “We can order pizza,” he adds.

“Or,” Buck suggests as he wraps his arms around Eddie from behind, hooking his chin over the top of his shoulder. “We could cook something _together_. You can’t live solely on pizza just because dinner doesn’t turn out right.” Buck turns his head slightly, kissing along the curve of Eddie’s neck, smiling into the skin there. He pulls away and then goes to check what Eddie has on hand in the fridge and cupboards, trying to figure out what they can throw together in a pinch.

Eddie scoffs. “Well, I have a son that disproves your theory. Living on pizza is entirely possible.” When Buck turns away from the refrigerator to look at Eddie, he has a fond look on his face. “Chris is gonna be home soon and we’re supposed to have dinner before he gets home. Pizza is quick.”

“Eddie.” Buck smiles as he steps closer. “There are things we can cook that can be done as quickly as ordering a pizza and waiting for it to be delivered.” Eddie rolls his eyes as Buck pulls him in for a quick kiss. “What about a quick one-pot pasta?”

Eddie agrees, and helps Buck by chopping the vegetables while Buck cubes the chicken. They move around each other in the kitchen like they’ve been cooking side by side for years, not just a couple of times, like they were always meant to work together as a team. It doesn’t take them long to prepare the meal in its entirety, and they sit down beside each other at the dining room table. Buck takes the first bite, a satisfied look crossing his face. When he finishes the bite, he winks at Eddie. “So much better than pizza.”

“Oh, shut up.” Eddie mutters, although the smirk on his face takes any possible heat away from his words, the smile reaching his eyes.

“Yeah, the way you’re polishing off that plate definitely means you would be happier with pizza,” Buck teases as he watches him. They continue to eat with steady banter falling between the two of them, like they haven’t had to jump over hurdles to reach this point.

“Hey, I meant to ask you the other day,” Eddie says, and Buck notices the way that his expression twists a little. “I didn’t get you in trouble with your boss, did I?”

Buck coughs a little, a look of confusion washing over his face. His _boss_?

“Uh, what?”

“When we took the boys to the playground the other day,” Eddie explains. “I know it was pretty last minute, and I know corporate bosses don’t really give a shit about their employees. I mean, I remember this one boss that Shannon had, and they picked apart every little thing she did, and time off was always a point of contention. I just didn’t want to create trouble for you in the office.”

Buck’s mouth goes dry as he swallows, averting his eyes for a second as he tries to calm his racing heart. Eddie doesn’t know that he runs the center, and based on his words he’d just assume that Buck’s a boss that doesn’t give a shit.

They’ve been dating for months and Eddie thinks he’s someone that he’s not. An office employee.

_Fuck_.

Buck runs a hand over the back of his neck, the pounding in his chest making it hard to concentrate on what Eddie’s saying to him. He can’t lose Eddie over something like this, not when he just got him back. Not when they’ve just worked through so much tension and stress, Eddie’s issues with abandonment, and then the boys and—

“— it’s like they don’t even think their employees are people, ya know?”

Buck sets his fork down on his plate, not able to meet Eddie’s gaze.

He can’t lose Eddie. Not when the moments with Eddie are what get him through the hardest days. He thinks about the way that Eddie looks at him, like nobody else ever has. Like he holds the missing piece to some puzzle that Eddie’s been spending his life trying to solve.

Even though the work he does is important, Eddie looks at him like he has value outside of what he does, outside of the difference that he makes in the kids’ lives. Like Buck, with or without the center, makes the world a better place.

Buck has spent his lifetime trying to make a difference, proving to himself that being an abandoned kid wouldn’t define him or the way that his life played out. That _he_ would decide what kind of legacy he would leave behind, not his parents’ choice to leave.

“Buck?” Buck snaps back to reality, his plate clattering into the sink as Eddie’s voice startles him. He grasps the edge of the sink, taking a steadying breath.

“Yeah?” He feels the sudden pressure of Eddie’s hand against his lower back. Buck tries to let the physical warmth that he gives off ground him in the moment, to somehow pull him out of his own head.

“Where’d you go?” Eddie chuckles as he places a kiss against the curve of his shoulder, his lips feather-light as he smiles into Buck’s skin.

“Nowhere,” Buck says. “Just thinking about you.” Buck turns, his back pressed against the counter as Eddie leans into him, his hand following the curve of Buck’s jaw and drawing him closer. Buck’s eyes blink closed, and he tries to lose himself in the kiss, in every single part of Eddie rather than tackling the thought that he’s now keeping one of the biggest parts of himself from Eddie.

Buck groans as Eddie grinds into his hips teasingly, loving the sensation of Eddie pressing against him, desire obvious as he licks into his mouth. Gripping at his hip, Buck keeps Eddie close. “Jesus,” Eddie mutters when their lips finally part, a ragged breath slipping past his lips. Being here with Eddie like this, Buck is able to put his thoughts and worries in a box and tuck it safely away, instead focusing on the way that he feels, pinned back against the counter by him.

Buck’s hands slide against Eddie’s lower back as he rolls his hips, causing another filthy groan to slip past his boyfriend’s lips. Taking that as an invitation, Buck dips his head down to suck and bite into the sensitive flesh just above the collar of Eddie’s shirt. “Fuck.”

Buck’s grip is firm as he continues to grind against him, everything else fading away besides how good it feels to be with Eddie like this. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Eddie mutters, Buck’s forehead creasing at the edge in his voice.

“Eddie?”

“Chris. A-Abuela,” Eddie stammers, his brain thoroughly scrambled as he presses his head forward, resting his forehead against Buck’s shoulder. “I was supposed to _call_.” Eddie’s words register with Buck, and he groans as they glance at the time at the same time: 8:02.

“When were you supposed to call?”

“Half an hour ago.” Eddie squeezes his eyes shut, trying to compose himself as he pulls out his cell phone and dials Isabel, putting it on speaker as Buck braces himself against the counter.

“Edmundo,” Isabel greets. “Is everything okay? You _always_ call on time.” Buck swears he can hear her smirking on the other end of the line in amusement as she teases her grandson.

“Everything’s fine,” Eddie manages, forcing himself to step away from Buck, leaving them both hard and aching. Buck bites down on his bottom lip, forcing himself not to whine from the loss of Eddie against him. “We just lost track of time.”

“Oh?” she asks innocently. “Were you boys doing anything fun?” Buck instantly begins to cough and sputter, his eyes wide as he looks at Eddie. He snaps his jaw shut as he watches Eddie struggle for the words.

“I-we—” Eddie clears his throat as he braces himself on the refrigerator, making a show of pretending he’s banging his head against the appliance. Clearly he would rather be doing anything, _literally anything_ , than having this conversation with his grandmother. “We just had some problems with dinner so it took a little longer than we expected.”

“Hm, okay. Well, I left about fifteen minutes ago, so we’ll be there any minute.”

God, this cannot be happening. They’re both standing in the kitchen with hard-ons, looking like a wreck, and Eddie’s grandmother is going to be here with Eddie’s son within _minutes_.

Buck quickly excuses himself to the bathroom to clean himself up and try to cool down before they arrive, leaving Eddie to do the same in the kitchen. When the doorbell rings Buck scrambles to do _something_ ; what exactly he’s scrambling to do he’s not exactly sure of. Whatever it is that someone who was not just grinding into their boyfriend and sucking marks into his skin does.

He stands back awkwardly as Eddie opens the door for Isabel and Christopher.

Eddie greets Christopher first and then sends him to his room to get ready for bed. Isabel looks at Eddie with a twinkle in her eyes before she follows him further inside. “So how was dinner?”

“It was good,” Eddie says, dipping his head down to kiss her cheek. “Thank you for taking Chris so that we could have a nice evening together.”

Abuela hums as she looks him over, then glances over at Buck with a knowing smirk. “You’re not fooling anyone, nieto.”

“Abuela—” Eddie starts.

“You got something,” Isabel motions towards his neck where Buck had been sucking and biting less than twenty minutes ago, his skin now blooming into a dark purple there. “On your neck.”

Buck flushes immediately, feeling the heat creeping up his neck and burning his cheeks, unable to look Isabel in the eye. He hears Eddie say something, but it sounds far away.

“Do you know anything about that?” Isabel’s brow raises towards her hairline as she looks at him closely, and he shifts under her scrutiny. Clearing his throat, Buck finally meets her gaze and holds it. He nearly laughs at himself, too, doing what he does for a living— and he practically withers under an old lady’s stare.

“Um.” Buck feels like he’s going to die of mortification, like he’s sixteen again. “I’m not sure, ma’am.”

“Mhm,” Isabel hums again. “I’m gonna get going, you boys have a good night. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t.”

Buck lets out a broken laugh as the door closes behind her, eyes flying to Eddie, who is smirking at him. “What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing,” Eddie answers with a quiet chuckle. “I’ve just never seen you so damn nervous before.” His light chuckle transforms into a full-bodied laugh, deep and throaty.

“You, Edmundo Diaz, are an asshole.”

“Does that mean you don’t want to pick up where we left off once Chris goes to sleep?” Eddie wags his eyebrows suggestively as he walks closer to Buck.

“You’re gonna be the death of me.”

But what a pleasant death that would be.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Making our way into the final stretch of this fic. Only about 5 more weeks and it'll be complete. Thanks for all of the amazing comments and for reading - I've been lagging on my responses but hope to get to them soon (but know that I read them all!, and they seriously make my day)!
> 
> Thanks to the lovely [marciaelena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marciaelena) for the beta, I appreciate you as always!

“Did you know that Golden Lion Tamarins usually live to be 8 years old?”

“Uh,” Eddie taps his fingers against the steering wheel as they get closer to the zoo. So far Christopher has given him no less than thirty facts about different animals, mostly endangered species that live at the zoo. “No, I didn’t know that, bud.”

“That’s _my_ age.”

Eddie chuckles quietly, nodding in acknowledgement. “You’re right, mijo, it is.”

“And the oldest one was 31. That’s _so old._ ”

“Hey!” Eddie cries defensively as he flips on the directional, glancing in the rearview mirror before switching lanes. The truck idles in the lane for a minute as Eddie waits to turn into the zoo parking lot. “That is not old,” he argues, and Christopher begins giggling loudly from the backseat. Eddie shakes his head, despite the smile that tugs at his lips.

“You have the map ready and know where we’re going?” Eddie asks as he parks, turning himself around in the seat so he can look at Chris. “We only have a few hours.”

“Elephants, tigers, lions, orangutans, spider monkeys, tamarins, polar bears, penguins... then penguin pops, and then the playground,” Chris lists off, finally looking up from the map that he’s been holding in his hands and capping the marker that he used to plan out the day’s trip.

“Alright, sounds like we have a plan.” Eddie hops out of the truck and then helps Chris out before they head towards the zoo’s gate. “Let’s do this.”

Although Christopher’s list of their must-see animals is short, it takes them longer to get around because of Christopher’s crutches, but he’s adamant that he wants to do it himself today. Eddie remembers the days when Chris used to be ecstatic at the thought of Eddie giving him a piggyback ride to get around. It’s yet another reminder that he’s getting older.

“Hey, Dad?” Chris asks as he bites into his penguin-shaped ice cream that’s coated with a hard shell of chocolate. Eddie swings his leg over the side of the bench, shifting himself beneath the shade that the umbrella above them offers.

“Hm?” Eddie hums, taking a bite of his ice cream.

“Is Buck still mad?”

Eddie’s brow furrows immediately as he watches Chris. “Why would Buck be mad?”

“About the playground,” Chris explains quietly, shifting his innocent gaze over to Eddie. “Because he brought Jayden and we didn’t get along. Everybody got upset.”

“Oh, Chris,” Eddie breathes out, placing a gentle hand against his knee. “Buck’s not mad about that. I promise.” Christopher looks at him with doubt etched into his features, urging Eddie to continue. “Buck’s had work the past few days. Remember how I told you that Buck and me don’t always work the same hours as each other?”

Christopher nods.

“He hasn’t been avoiding us because he’s upset about what happened. None of that was your fault, kiddo. Alright?”

Chris remains silent, his face pinched as he tries to process what Eddie is telling him. “Why did Jayden act like that?”

“You know how when you lost your mom it was really hard, and we were both sad? We missed her, but it wasn’t ever because she wanted to go away?” He’s trying to think about how to explain this in a way that makes sense to Chris without giving too much detail about the situation. There’s only so much that an eight-year-old can understand about something as complicated as this, especially since Eddie struggles to wrap his head around it himself. “Well, Jayden’s mom went away, too. And Jayden’s having a hard time. I don’t think he meant to hurt your feelings.”

“I’m sorry about his mom,” Chris finally says as he finishes his ice cream.

“Me too, kid.”

“Could we…” Christopher trails off. “Could we meet them somewhere again? When Buck’s not working?”

Eddie smiles, the innate goodness that Christopher possesses never ceasing to amaze him. He was hurt by what Jayden had said at the playground and yet it's like he’s forgotten it, wanting instead to be there for him. “Yeah, I think that’s a great idea.” Eddie reaches out and tousles his curls, Chris looking back at him with a grin. “I’ll call Buck tonight and we’ll set something up.”

* * *

“Thanks for meeting us,” Eddie says as he and Chris meet Jayden and Buck in front of the two-story aquarium downtown. At first Eddie wasn’t sure that Buck would agree after what happened the last time, but just like he and Buck had to learn to work through things, so did the kids. And who are they to put a stop to it because they’re afraid of what might happen?

Jayden shifts his weight from foot to foot, eyes darting around to take in the building in front of them. Eddie can’t tell if it’s from nerves or if he’s just trying to take it all in, but he seems hyper-focused on observing. “Alright, guys, you know the rules. Stay together and where we can see you,” Buck reminds them before they all head inside.

Once they have their passes for the day, the first area that Christopher gravitates towards are the two smaller touch pools that are centrally located on the first floor.

“What are you doing?” Jayden asks hesitantly, standing several feet behind him, watching Christopher with obvious reluctance.

“I’m touching the fish.”

“Touching… the fish,” Jayden repeats, his brow creasing as he watches Chris at the otherwise deserted touch pool. There’s so much uncertainty in his features, but Eddie continues to hang back with Buck, watching the two boys interact.

“Yeah,” Chris confirms with a quick nod. “You know you can too, right?”

“I—” Jayden glances around, looking at Buck and Eddie before he glances back at Chris. “Won’t we get in trouble?” The words confirm what Eddie suspected: that Jayden’s never been to the aquarium before. He has to wonder how many things that Chris has been able to experience that Jayden’s been robbed of. The anger that he’d felt after the incident at the park is replaced with something else; a wish that they could do more.

Right now, he feels like for the first time he sees in Jayden what Buck does, and it makes his heart ache.

“You won’t get in trouble,” Chris promises. The older boy moves closer, slow and cautious, before squatting down to Christopher’s level. Jayden settles beside him at the pool, although he doesn’t immediately put his hands in the water. He watches as Christopher touches the fish, as if he somehow holds all of the answers.

“Don’t they bite?”

Chris smiles at him. “It doesn’t hurt. _Trust me_.”

Hesitantly, Jayden plunges his hand into the water from where he’s crouched beside Christopher. He doesn’t move his hand right away, glancing over at Chris who beams back at him. Jayden’s gaze shifts to where their hands are resting in the small pool, the fish gliding around effortlessly and unfazed. Christopher reaches out and touches one of them, and Jayden does the same, jolting at the unfamiliar feeling.

“It feels so strange.” A surprised laugh bubbles past Jayden’s lips, and he shares a look with Christopher as he begins to giggle, too. Jayden looks down for a moment, then back at Chris. His voice is quieter now, like he wants the words to stay between just the two of them. “I’m… I’m sorry about what I said at the park. About your parents… a-about your mom.”

“It’s okay,” Chris says without any signs of reluctance, like not accepting Jayden’s apology hadn’t even been an option. “You didn’t know.” Christopher moves to stand up and Eddie doesn’t miss the way that Jayden moves quicker, helping him with his crutches. “Have you ever seen a sea lion?”

Jayden shakes his head.

“Come on, I’ll show you,” Christopher says.

Eddie feels Buck’s hand in his own as they follow behind the boys.

They’re going to be just fine.

* * *

The thing is, Eddie really wants to have a nice date with Buck, but something always gets in the way. A babysitter that has to cancel, or a catastrophe at work. He’s beginning to believe that no matter what the plans are that he has for them that somehow the universe will intervene and it will be ruined. So, Eddie decides to think a bit outside of the box this time and not leave anything to chance.

Last week Eddie discovered Pinterest. Chris was going on and on about making elephant toothpaste and Eddie told him he had no idea what it was, let alone how to make it or where to start. Christopher had practically rolled his eyes at Eddie’s lack of know-how. “That’s what Pinterest is for, Dad.”

And, who knew that this even existed? Was it new?

Eddie quickly learned that it isn’t in fact new, and that somehow he just completely missed its popularity, which for Eddie wasn’t exactly surprising.

So he spent days going down a Pinterest rabbit hole and finding a ridiculous amount of projects to do with Christopher. Then he’d asked him about Harry Potter costume ideas for their upcoming theme week for school. It started there and somehow Eddie ended up… _here_.

Eddie sets the armload of bags down on the ground the second he’s inside, pushing the door shut with his foot. He always looks forward to date night with Buck, whether they go out to dinner or somewhere for a fun couples’ activity. Buck always makes sure he enjoys it, and Eddie always appreciates the thought that he puts into it.

He’s learning little by little, day by day, that he can find an identity outside of just being a dad or a firefighter.

Eddie’s learning that maybe he does have things to offer, if only he’s given the chance.

He just hopes he hasn’t misread Buck, and that he’ll enjoy tonight instead of hating every single detail. He spends two hours buzzing around the house, followed by a tedious 30 minutes crafting floating candles.

Midway through making their drinks, Eddie lets out an uneasy breath when he hears Buck at the door. “Hey, babe.” He greets Buck with a chaste kiss before leading him inside.

“So, are you gonna tell me where we’re going tonight?” Buck calls behind Eddie as he makes his way back into the house. “Woah, woah. What’s going on here?”

“Uh,” Eddie turns around to see Buck watching him from the doorway of the kitchen. “I was just thinking about how every time that _I_ plan a date for us something comes up. So I thought—well, I planned for us to stay in.” Eddie turns his back to Buck and faces the counter before Buck can react, which is probably better for the rapid pounding in his chest.

He turns on the electric mixer, making a fluffy mixture of marshmallow creme, whipping cream, and rum extract. Eddie places a large dollop on top of the mixture inside of both of the mason jars.

“What do we have here?” Buck’s lips brush against his ear, causing a shiver to shoot down his spine.

Grabbing the handle of the mason jar mug, he turns to Buck and presses the mug into Buck’s hands. “Butterbeer.”

Eddie watches the expression on Buck’s face soften, his mouth falling open slightly. “You made butterbeer? You—?” Buck’s eyes flit around the space, following Eddie back out towards the living room, looking at the floating candles that Eddie spent way too much time on. “The great hall?” His eyes move to the brick backdrop that Eddie set up in the living room, behind a teepee adorned with lights. “Platform 9 ¾.”

Eddie bites down on his bottom lip, hoping this isn’t too nerdy or childish for Buck, that instead it will remind him of their first date “I know it’s kind of silly,” he begins to backpedal, feeling exposed for all of the effort that he’s put into tonight, in a way that he never has before.

Buck takes a sip of his butterbeer. “It’s perfect, Eddie, and I’m not talking about _just_ the butterbeer. This was… so thoughtful.” Buck kisses the apple of Eddie’s cheek before finding his lips, the sweetness of the drink lingering on his lips.

Smiling against Buck’s lips, Eddie sets his drink down and pulls back. “I’m glad you like it. I’ve gotta go grab something from the other room. I’ll be right back.”

Eddie grabs the snacks that he’d prepared from the kitchen. As he gets closer he hears Buck calling out to him. “Um, Eddie, what is this?” he motions towards the teepee.

“That’s Christopher’s, for when he wants to read Harry Potter.”

“But Eddie.” Buck pouts as he motions around them, “You said all of this was for our date.”

“Buck.” Eddie laughs in spite of himself. “That thing is not made for adults, let alone two of them.” The pout remains firmly planted on Buck’s lips, and Eddie’s tempted to kiss it away. “You’re insufferable, you know that?” Eddie can’t resist any longer and kisses him quickly, then grabs some sheets from the linen closet and disappears into his bedroom.

“A grown ass man that wants to fit into a teepee.” Eddie chuckles to himself, though his face is soft with undeniable fondness, and his heart swells in his chest. He moves things around the bedroom until, finally, he’s made a makeshift fort for Buck. He hangs a string of bulbs that glow white, the final touch.. “Buck,” Eddie calls out. “You can come in now.”

Buck makes his way towards Eddie’s bedroom. “Eddie.”

“Your fort awaits.” Buck steps into his arms, caging Eddie’s face between his hands, dropping a light kiss onto his lips. “Do you think you could share with me?”

“I’ll share everything with you,” Buck promises in a whisper, and the words go straight to Eddie’s heart.

He feels the familiar sting of tears trying to push their way to the surface, but he doesn’t know if he’s ever felt it in this particular way before. His heart has never been so full that it’s brought him to actual tears. Lowering his eyes, Eddie sniffles quietly.

“Hey,” Buck says gently, hooking a finger under his chin. Eddie’s eyes flit to Buck’s blue ones that are brimming with emotion.

“I love you,” Eddie tells him quietly, with an open honesty that feels so unfamiliar and yet so freeing. Fingertips gently brush against Buck’s bicep, trailing down the length of his arm until his fingers stop against the back of Buck’s hand. He’s standing here with Buck and he’s never felt so exposed and vulnerable before.

Eddie’s never trusted anyone this much before, but he trusts Buck with everything. More than anything else, with his heart.

“I love you, too,” Buck murmurs, lacing their fingers together. He crawls into the fort and pulls Eddie in behind him. The room is dimly lit, illuminated only by the fairy lights along the edge of the fort and a lantern inside, yet Eddie’s never seen anything with such clarity.

He sees so much possibility with Buck, and after all they’ve been through already — together, and independently— they deserve it. They’ve been to hell and back and they’ve earned this little pocket of happiness.

Buck positions himself on the pillows in the fort, pulling Eddie up against his chest like it’s exactly where he belongs. “Thank you for this.” Buck motions around them before he drops another kiss against Eddie’s lips. “Nobody’s ever been this thoughtful.”

“I never was before,” Eddie admits, his hand moving aimlessly against Buck’s side. “But with you, I want to be.” With Shannon there was never an effort on either of their parts to truly make things better. Their relationship had been imperfect and, at times, incredibly toxic. They’d spent so much time focusing on all of their problems that they never found the time to focus on what they did right.

He’s already had missteps with Buck in such a major way, and yet Buck believed Eddie was important enough to fix things. Buck had invested in him, and that made Eddie jump back into things feet first, and he doesn’t see how that could ever change. “I’m better when I’m with you.”

Buck’s lips tug into a small smile. “We’re both better together. You know, I was thinking about our first date—the one where I spent the night getting to know Chris. When I found out you had a kid. I liked you before that, but,” Buck runs his thumb over the stubble at Eddie’s jawline, eyes crinkling around the edges, “that’s when I felt like you were someone I _had_ to know. My childhood was imperfect, and I know your relationship with your parents isn’t the greatest either—” Buck drops a kiss against Eddie’s neck. “You showed me that there are great dads out there. Dads that make mistakes and learn from them.”

Eddie closes his eyes, and he tries to convince himself it’s because Buck’s kissing his neck, lips barely grazing the skin there. It’s easier to focus on his lips instead of admitting what the weight of Buck’s words do to him. He’s not used to being praised for the kind of dad that he’s become; people tend to focus on all of the mistakes before Chris became his entire world. Maybe someday the words will be easier to hear, the praise easier to believe.

“Eddie?” Buck whispers.

Eddie clears his throat, the emotion heavy and thick. “Yeah?” He croaks, wetness gathering at the corners of his eyes.

“I just wanted to make sure you heard me.”

Eddie barely nods, and he knows that Buck understands when this thumb sweeps away his tears. Eddie rests his head against Buck’s chest, soothed by the steady beating of his heart. “Chris’ll be home soon,” Eddie murmurs quietly, relaxing into the warmth and safety that only Buck can offer him.

“I texted Isabel, she’s just gonna bring him in,” Buck says, kissing the top of Eddie’s head, thumb tracing an invisible pattern from the base of Eddie’s skull down to the neckline of his shirt.

Eddie’s not sure how long he lays there with Buck, dozing in and out, but he finally blinks awake when he hears Buck whispering to Christopher. “You gonna join us here, little man?”

Christopher grins at Buck. “Can I bring in my book?”

“‘Course you can, just make sure you grab your booklight.” Eddie shifts over, muffling a yawn with his hand as they wait for Christopher to return. When he does return, he settles between Buck and Eddie and flips open his book.

Eddie shifts his eyes to Buck in the dim light, and he smiles lazily. Buck catches his gaze and smiles back. “Thank you,” Eddie mouths before turning his attention to Chris, and he thinks that this is what home is meant to feel like.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a crazy few days, so sorry for the late post. Enjoy the chapter!
> 
> Thanks to [marciaelena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marciaelena) for the beta, I appreciate you as always!

“So I’ll have you know that that boy toy of yours left quite the impression on Gram and Gramps. But _especially_ on Gram. She has been talking non-stop about meeting Christopher the next time that they come to L.A.”

Buck smiles as he adjusts the phone against his shoulder while moving around the kitchen. He grabs a few bowls from the cupboard and lines them up on the counter. “They’ll love Chris when they meet him,” he says, pouring chips into one bowl and pretzels into the other. “I still can’t believe that Gram let Eddie borrow the photo album.”

“I can.” Maddie’s warm laugh echoes through the receiver and sends warmth coursing through Buck, and he smiles. “She is absolutely shameless. She wants a grandbaby and she’s obviously not getting one from her very single granddaughter anytime soon. So, you get all of her focus on that front for the first time in our entire lives.”

Buck scoffs as he walks the bowls over to the table before grabbing a beer from the fridge, taking the cap off with a bottle opener from the drawer and tossing the cap into the trash. “Well, we’re going to have to do something about that, aren’t we?”

“Not happening anytime soon, Evan.”

Buck rolls his eyes and takes a few long swigs. “You never do anything to help me out, you know. Always making _me_ take all of the heat,” he teases, turning his lips up at the corners at the easy banter with her. Buck taps his fingers against the table a few times. “Did I tell you that Eddie suggested we meet at the park, so that Christopher could meet Jayden? He thought it would be good for Jay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, but it didn’t go great, Maddie. We thought it was going to be fine. Eddie and I were playing basketball, and the boys were on the playground, and they seemed to be getting along great. But—” Buck sighs into the phone at the memory of how terrible it had gone.

“But?”

“Something happened and Christopher was crying. Eddie got protective of Chris and Jayden got upset, so I went after him.” Buck pauses, trying to collect his thoughts. Just talking about it brought all of the stress of the previous days back to the surface. “It turns out that Jayden hadn’t pushed Chris like Eddie thought. He-he kind of got jealous of Chris? Because with all that Jayden’s lost, he thought that Christopher had everything. He thought he was losing me, because I’m building this family with them. So he said something upsetting to Chris.”

Maddie sighs. “Okay, I’m going to say something, Evan, and I need for you to not get defensive about it.” Buck’s back stiffens at her words, and he sets the beer bottle down on the table. “I know that you want to be there for him, that you relate to Jayden in a lot of ways because of what happened when we were kids, and I feel like you’re a really important person in his life.”

“Why do I feel a ‘but’ coming on?” Buck asks, knowing that she’s not finished.

“But,” Maddie says firmly, “you’re not his parent, Buck. You’re bringing him into all of these family moments with your boyfriend and his son, and what do you want the outcome to be? At the end of the day he’s going back to his foster home.”

Buck scrubs a hand down over his face. “I know that, Maddie. I know I’m not his _parent_ , I’m not… trying to _pretend_ ,” he says defensively. “But that kid has been through so much shit in his life. And then his mom chooses to sign over her parental rights. He knows that he’s not getting out of foster care unless someone decides to adopt him. And do you know what the chances of someone choosing to adopt an 11 year old instead of a baby or a toddler are?” Buck lets out a frustrated sound. “I just want him to know that there are still people that care. That he doesn’t have to be alone. I need him to know _I’ve got his back_.”

“I know,” Maddie says gently. “I just need you to remember that we’re both going to be taking on more responsibility pretty soon, and I need to make sure you’re up for it. Because as much as Jayden matters? The other families that we help matter just as much.”

“Maddie,” Buck scolds, “you know me better than that. You know that my head is in the game where work is concerned. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“Okay,” she concedes, seemingly dropping the argument. “Then tell me what ended up happening with Jayden and Chris.”

“Well, I talked to Jay and he admitted that he said something to Chris that upset him about his parents. Eddie talked to Chris, explaining to him what Jayden’s going through. Eddie and I decided to try it again, because that’s what the kids wanted. So we met at the aquarium.”

Buck quiets, thinking about how Jayden had been. The sometimes-stoic kid with the hard exterior didn’t exist. He’d been so awed by all of it, by the fish and getting to have this normal experience like other kids do. “The boys made up. It took them two minutes of talking to each other and then they had a great time. Look, Mads, I gotta go. I think they just pulled in the driveway.”

“Well, that’s rude, Evan,” Maddie teases. “Have fun, we’ll talk later, okay?”

Buck says goodbye and lets Eddie in when he arrives first. It’s poker night at Buck’s place, which usually just consists of Josh and Buck.

“Hey, babe,” Eddie says, kissing Buck chastly.

“You want a beer?” When Eddie nods, Buck grabs another one from the fridge and they settle at the table, waiting for Chim and Josh to arrive.

In a few minutes they’re all seated at the table with their beers.

“Well, this is new,” Josh comments as he grabs a few pretzel twists from the bowl, smirking over at Buck.

“Josh—” Buck warns as he glances up from his beer, already hearing the teasing lilt to his voice.

“What? I’m _just saying_ that it’s been a while since your company included more than just me and facetiming your sister. And it pains me to be so brutally honest, but Maddie doesn’t count,” Josh reminds him.

The thing about Josh is that he’s Buck’s best friend, but he doesn’t know how to not overshare. Buck’s sure that Eddie _loves_ hearing what a total lame ass his boyfriend actually is.

Buck groans under Josh’s teasing, glancing over at Eddie and mouthing an apology. “Eddie and I have been dating for months,” he points out to Josh.

“And it took you months to invite us all over just to hang out, without the pretense of impressing or distracting your grandparents. Why is that?” Josh asks.

“You tell him,” Eddie laughs quietly, obviously enjoying Buck being the one under fire.

At the same time Buck says, “Because I knew _you_ would be like this.” He glances across the table at Eddie, his mouth agape. “Great,” Buck mutters playfully. “You’re joining forces with him now?”

“May as well get used to it.” Eddie grins, squeezing Buck’s knee under the table and winking at him.

“Well, Chim, looks like you’re my only ally here tonight,” Buck says finally, glancing over at Chimney, who has been observing the back and forth banter for several minutes now.

Chim snorts a laugh as he deals out the cards. “There are no allies on poker night, Buck.”

* * *

Buck stretches out against the couch, waiting for Eddie to return after tucking Christopher in. If there is one thing that Buck has truly fallen in love with it’s the domesticity that is so natural when he’s in Eddie’s orbit. They’ve only been dating for a handful of months, and yet Buck feels utterly at home here. The bedtime routine of reading a chapter or two of Christopher’s book together is one of his favorites. It reminds him of that first date spent reading Harry Potter, snuggled on the couch and feeling so utterly awed with how great this man is with his kid.

Buck’s resting with his back against the pillow and his eyes closed, his leg thrown up on the arm of the couch.

“Well, if this doesn’t look incredibly inviting,” Eddie teases as he rejoins him in the living room. Buck peeks open an eye and grins at Eddie. “He’s all tucked in. It took a little longer because he would _not_ stop talking.”

Buck begins to shift on the couch to make more room, but Eddie stops him. “Don’t you want me to make room for you?” he chuckles.

“I think I can make myself at home,” Eddie murmurs as he bends forward and places a slow kiss against Buck’s lips. His body follows, climbing onto the couch on top of Buck, their bodies fitting perfectly together.

“Please do,” Buck mumbles against his lips in between kisses. One hand drifts along Eddie’s side, stopping at his hip, his other hand sliding up Eddie’s body until his fingers are threading through Eddie’s hair. A groan slips past Buck’s lips as Eddie teasingly grinds into him. “Jesus, Edd—” Buck feels Eddie begin to withdraw, slipping beside him on the couch with an unhappy groan. “What?”

Then Buck hears it. _Click, click, click_. The steady click of Christopher’s crutches getting closer. Eddie sits up and Buck does the same, making sure to leave plenty of space between them, making Eddie raise his brow and smirk. “Christopher,” Eddie calls as he comes into view, “what are you doing up?”

“I had to go to the bathroom.”

“Okay, well, hurry up and get back to bed.”

“Can Buck tuck me back in?” Chris asks, hopeful eyes blinking back at him.

Buck looks at Eddie hopefully. “Yeah, can I?”

Eddie chuckles. “Alright, Buck can put you back to bed if he wants to.”

Buck waits for Christopher to finish up in the bathroom and then follows the boy back to his bedroom, leaving Eddie in the living room to wait. Buck pulls back the blankets, making it easier for Christopher to climb into bed.

“Hey, Buck? Can you read me another chapter? It’ll help me sleep,” Chris says as Buck tucks the blanket around him.

Buck nearly laughs at the request. “I don’t know, bud. Your dad didn’t say anything about me reading to you again when I tucked you back in.”

“But he _always_ reads to me when he tucks me in. Please,” he pleads.

“Okay, I’ll read you a few pages,” Buck relents, and really, who could blame him for caving in? Christopher is such a sweet kid, and a love of reading _is_ really important. Buck reaches for the book on the bedside table. “Alright, let’s see where we left off.”

Buck ends up sitting beside Christopher against the headboard, one arm tucked around the boy as he begins to read the next chapter of the book.

“Buck?” Eddie’s voice sounds muffled because it’s far away; he appears in the doorway a minute later.

“Hey, Eddie,” Buck says as he slides the bookmark in to mark the page, feeling Christopher tense slightly beside him, an obvious tell that he hadn’t been completely honest with Buck.

“Christopher,” Eddie says with a raised brow from the doorway. “Did you ask Buck to read to you when you know it’s already past your bedtime?”

“I really wanted to know what happens next,” Christopher admits.

“You know the rules. And getting Buck to break the rules when he doesn’t know better isn’t very nice, is it?”

“No, Dad,” Christopher grumbles.

Buck stands up and sets the book down before placing a quick kiss on the top of Christopher’s head.

“Goodnight,” Eddie says firmly, leading Buck back out to the living room.

“Eddie, he said that you read to him when you tuck him back in,” Buck explains as he and Eddie drop onto the couch. Eddie snorts and Buck narrows his eyes. “What? He did.”

“He didn’t want to go to sleep, Buck.” Eddie tucks his body snugly into place at Buck’s side and kisses his jaw lightly. “I have half a mind to send you to bed for breaking the rules.”

Buck groans at the low tone in Eddie’s voice, and the implication, closing his eyes when Eddie drags a finger down his bicep. “I’ll take any punishment you think is fair.”

Eddie chuckles against Buck’s skin, peppering light kisses down his neck. “I have some ideas.”

Buck bites down on his bottom lip as Eddie’s hand trails down his chest. He settles his hand against Buck’s growing erection, and Buck ruts up against Eddie’s hand. “Eddie.”

“You know, I don’t think that it qualifies as punishment if you’re enjoying it _this_ much.” Eddie smirks, beginning to pull his hand away.

“Eddie, you can’t—”

“Dad?”

Buck practically flings himself across the couch away from Eddie, grabbing a pillow to set in his lap.

“Christopher, _why_ are you up again?” Eddie schools his expression, though the way that his eyebrow arches tells Buck that he is definitely amused about something.

“I’m thirsty.”

Eddie sighs as he gets up from the couch. “Fine, but I don’t want to see you again until tomorrow morning, Christopher, do you understand?”

Christopher sighs unhappily and agrees. Eddie gets him a drink before going to tuck him back into bed and returns to the couch a minute later, dropping down beside Buck.

“Jesus Christ, he gave me a heart attack,” Buck mutters.

Eddie watches him with obvious delight. “You know, you’re _really_ graceful, Buckley.”

“This isn’t funny,” Buck hisses, eyes wide. “I had a _boner_ , Eddie.”

Eddie laughs, loud and gleeful this time. “Yeah, that’s not exactly news to me.” Buck shoots him an exasperated look. “Okay,” he finally says, “I’m sorry.”

Eddie scoots over toward the end of the couch where Buck’s sitting, since Buck won’t consciously move into Eddie’s space again, knowing that Chris can wander in anytime. “You laughed at me,” Buck pouts.

“I did, but only because you’re irresistible,” Eddie promises with a smile, cradling Buck’s face. Eddie sweeps a thumb over Buck’s cheek before kissing his jutted out lower lip.

Buck forces the pout to remain in place out of mere principle because Eddie was laughing at his plight. But after a few more soft kisses to his lip, Buck feels himself melting into Eddie, hands resting on either side of Eddie’s face to urge him closer.

_Click, click. Click._

Buck’s hands instantly drop away from Eddie’s face, and Eddie groans quietly as he leans his forehead against Buck’s chest.

“Christopher,” Eddie starts before he even lifts his head. “ _Why_ are you up again?”

Christopher stops in the doorway. “I-I just wanted to tell you I love you and give you a kiss.”

Buck begins to chuckle quietly, and Eddie elbows him in the ribs. “Oww,” Buck complains in a whisper.

“Don’t you dare let him think for a second that you’re laughing at him. If he thinks this is funny he is going to do this every time that you’re over and you’ll die of blue balls.”

“And you say I’m dramatic?”

“You wanna find out? Try it and see what happens,” Eddie challenges, leaning back against the couch while Christopher makes his way over to him for a hug and kiss. He turns his attention to the boy as Buck forces himself to not laugh, heeding Eddie’s warning. “I love you too, buddy, but enough with the excuses to get out of bed. You need to stay put.”

“I’m starting to feel like this is an endless cycle,” Buck says, dragging a hand over his face after Christopher has gone back to bed again, Eddie rejoins him on the couch.

“This isn’t an endless cycle. This,” Eddie pauses as he interlocks their fingers, “is parenthood.”

Buck laughs as he settles against Eddie, kissing his cheek. “May as well find something on Netflix since it’s obvious nothing else is gonna happen tonight.” He switches on the television and begins to scroll through to find something to watch, wrapping an arm around Eddie’s waist, holding Eddie close as they relax in the dim room, mostly lit by the flashes of the television. Buck stifles a yawn behind his hand and looks over at Eddie, who’s staring out into the quiet house. “Eddie? What is it?”

Eddie shakes his head and stays put for a minute, until Buck catches him squinting in the direction of the other room again.

“You’re gonna miss this entire episode if you don’t pay attention, they’re only twenty minutes long,” Buck teases.

Eddie slips out of Buck’s arms and kisses his cheek. When he returns, he silently drops Christopher’s tablet onto the table. “You wanna watch tv out here, or should we head to bed?”

“We can go to bed, but just hold up a second.” Buck looks at Eddie in disbelief. “He didn’t even come out. How did you…”

“It’s a gift.”

They get ready for bed a few minutes later, and once they get situated Eddie’s arm drapes over Buck’s waist. The lullaby of Eddie’s heartbeat is a steady reminder of all that Buck has. Unlike how restless Christopher’s night has been, when Buck settles into bed beside Eddie, he drifts quickly off to sleep.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting a day early to make up for last week's late chapter. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Thanks to [marciaelena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marciaelena) for the beta, I appreciate you as always!

Since the day at the aquarium, Christopher’s been asking to spend more time with Jayden. He knows about Jayden’s mom, and while he doesn’t wholly understand it, the boy knows that he cares for Jayden and that, because he’s sad, they should spend more time with him. Explaining to Christopher that Jayden isn’t Buck’s and he can’t just meet them up anytime has been a little more challenging for him to understand, but that seems to be getting better over time.

It’s been a few weeks since they’ve done anything with Buck and Jayden, and Christopher has been bouncing around the house all day with unbridled energy.

When they arrive at the playground, Buck and Jayden are already playing basketball at the court. It’s a Thursday, and since Buck already spends the afternoon with him, it tends to be easier for them to meet during that time. It started strictly as basketball for one hour that Jayden used to put on the act of hating, and little by little even Eddie’s able to see his defenses break down. That hour quickly became two or three, and now Buck drops Jayden off just before dinner with his foster family.

Eddie helps Christopher out of the truck and they immediately make their way over to the basketball court. “Hey boys, how’s it going?” Eddie asks as he watches Jayden make an easy shot.

“Like it usually is—” Jayden laughs as it swooshes through the net, leaving Buck looking helpless. He knows that he shouldn’t, but Eddie finds the look endearing, and his mouth turns up into a smile.

“I could use a little help here.”

“Yeah, are you any better than him? I could use some competition.” Even in the month that he’s known Jayden he’s seen so many changes in the kid. He’s opened up so much more, been more willing to talk and be social, at least when it’s just the four of them.

“It’s been a while since I’ve played, but I—”

“Sounds like an offer to play to me,” Buck grins before kissing Eddie’s cheek and ducking away. “Hey Chris, you wanna come play with me? They put in a new sandpit and it has the coolest monster trucks.”

“I love monster trucks,” Christopher tells Buck, and just that quickly he walks off with Eddie’s son, leaving him alone to play ball with Jayden.

“Are you gonna at least go easy on me?”

“All or nothing.” Jayden grins as he dribbles the ball.

“All it is, then.”

They play for a while and Jayden’s right, the kid does play all or nothing, with absolutely no room for any middle ground. It’s been a while since Eddie’s played, and while he didn’t expect to do great, he wasn’t expecting an 11 year old to completely _school_ him in the game. “You’re a little better than Buck,” Jayden admits.

“Yeah? I’ll take that as a compliment, then,” Eddie says, his gaze shifting to Jayden’s face as he feels the ball get stolen right out from under him.

“Yeah,” Jayden confirms. “ _But_ he’s learned to focus.”

Eddie laughs as he nods his head. “You’re really good, Jay. It’s—” he stops himself mid-sentence. He’s trying to get better about talking about things, and even in a conversation with a kid he finds himself needing to check himself every so often. “It’s something I’ve only been able to play with Chris a few times, and it’s a lot harder because of his crutches.”

“You should tell Buck. Chris could do it at the center.”

“I’m sure Chris would love it, but Buck can’t just choose to add a program at the center for his boyfriend’s kid.”

A confused expression washes over Jayden’s face, his brow knitting together. “Uh, yeah, he can. That’s what happens when you _run_ the place.”

“What?”

“When you run a company you get to make the decisions. He does it every day.”

Eddie’s mouth falls open a little, and there are so many words swimming through his brain, but he doesn’t know how to make any of them come out for far too long. “Wh— Buck owns the place?” Eddie repeats, dumbstruck, his tone betraying the normal control that he has. He blinks once, twice, trying to digest the information.

Buck owns the center.

He never told Eddie, not once. Buck _chose_ to keep this from him.

Buck’s been lying to him for months, and in all that time Eddie thought he was getting to know Buck. He’d been falling in love with him little by little, when the reality was he didn’t have any idea who Buck really was.

“Eddie?” Jayden looks at him closer. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No.” Eddie forces his voice to work, though it still sounds strained. “No, of course not.”

God, he’s so fucking stupid.

How could he not know that Buck was lying to him? That what they had was a lie. He pushes his feelings down now, a skill that he’s become unpracticed in. He’s learned to be more open with Buck, to be vulnerable and to talk about his emotions. Eddie tries to ignore the overwhelming tightness in his chest at not speaking the words out loud.

They finish playing their game with few words passing between them. “I’m just, um, I forgot Chris has a—has a thing,” Eddie stumbles over the words. “Chris! We gotta go!” He calls across the park to Chris who barely even looks up from where he’s playing. Eddie takes a controlled breath before he jogs across the park. “Christopher.”

“What, Dad? Look at how cool these trucks are.” Christoper’s eyes are bright with excitement as he blinks up at Eddie.

A look of concern passes over Buck’s features as he looks up at Eddie. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” Eddie forces his tone to remain even. “Christopher, we have to go.”

“But Buck was going to show me—”

“Christopher. Now,” Eddie says, his voice as tight as the anxiety and hurt that’s wound tightly in his chest.

“Eddie, what’s wrong?” Buck asks, reaching for Eddie’s hand. He swallows hard as a surge of emotions hits him all at once. He wants to take Buck’s hand, and there’s a part of him that wishes he could sink into his embrace for comfort. He wishes he could fold into Buck’s arms while he convinces him that it’s going to be alright. He yearns to tell Buck that he’s upset. He wants—

He wants to continue to pretend, like they’ve been doing all along.

But really, more than anything, he wishes he’d never met Evan Buckley at the high-rise fire all of those months ago.

Eddie wants to pretend that nothing has changed, that _he_ hasn’t changed.

But he can’t.

Eddie can’t pretend, because his hard exterior has been stripped away, his armor disintegrated.

He’s become vulnerable when he was taught to know better.

And he’s heartbroken.

* * *

Buck tries calling and texting, and every message that Eddie receives from him he ignores. Buck’s worried about him because of how abruptly he left with Christopher at the park. Eddie can’t really say that he blames him, he’d be worried if Buck left in such a rush too.

They’ve been down this road before. The road where Eddie completely shuts down and pushes Buck out of his life. Pretends like he was never there to begin with.

But he knows this isn’t the way to go about it, and he promised they would always talk. Which is how he finds himself asking Carla to come over and stay with Christopher so that he can talk to Buck.

Despite the rapid pounding in his chest he knocks on Buck’s door unannounced.

“Eddie.” Buck’s voice sounds strained with worry. “Come in, I—I’ve been trying to call you all afternoon.”

“I know, Buck.”

“Then why didn’t you answer? I’ve been _worried_ about you.”

“No, Buck, I _know_ ,” Eddie repeats, and despite the shake to his voice, he continues. “I know that you’ve been lying to me all of this time. I mean, I— were you ever going to tell me who you really are, Evan? Or were you just gonna string along the poor firefighter forever until it wasn’t convenient anymore?”

“ _Eddie—_ ”

“I was honest with you about all of the worst parts of me. I told you about all of the things that I’m _ashamed_ of.” Eddie wants to look away, to find something to focus on, anywhere that isn’t Buck. He wants to stare at the wall, or punch something—anything—until he doesn’t feel like he’s going to fall apart.

He doesn’t want to see the way that Buck’s face contorts with understanding, the truth behind why Eddie is so upset. He feels the tears burning at his eyes, and he doesn’t bother trying to make the feeling go away this time. Eddie doesn't pretend that he’s okay. “All of the struggles with my family, my issues with my dad, the fucking mess my life with Shannon was, and-and Christopher. I told you things that nobody knows about me. And everything that you’ve ever told me was a lie.”

“Please,” Buck pleads, reaching out for Eddie’s arm. “Let me explain. I know this seems bad, but Eddie, you know me better than anyone else.”

Eddie laughs bitterly, stepping back out of Buck’s reach, his vision blurred from tears. “That’s not exactly comforting.”

“If you’ll let me, I want to explain. Please let me explain.”

“No,” Eddie tells him firmly, feeling as though his heart’s been permanently fractured down the middle. “I can’t be with someone who can just lie to me like all of this… like what we had was nothing. I can’t do this. I thought that things would be different with you. I thought _you_ were different.” Eddie turns away from Buck then, biting down on his bottom lip hard as he chokes down a sob and his shoulders shake. “But I was wrong.”

Buck looks at him when Eddie pulls himself together enough to turn around. He looks crestfallen, like he’s lost everything.

He looks like Eddie feels, and at least he finds some comfort in that. At least Buck seems hurt.

But maybe that’s a lie, too. Maybe he never really felt anything for Eddie at all.

“I know you don’t want to hear it, especially not right now when you’re so upset.”

“You’re right.” Eddie’s voice shakes. “I don’t want to hear it. You haven’t earned the right to explain it to me. I—” Eddie blinks, his tears shaking loose. “Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t reach out to me. I can’t do this with you, Buck. It’s too much.”

“I love you, Eddie. Doesn’t that mean anything?”

“If you love me then you’ll let me go.”

Eddie looks at Buck one last time, watching as his words register with Buck as tears race down his cheeks. Eddie turns his back swiftly, trying to push the image of Buck with tears streaming down his face from his mind. He walks out of Buck’s apartment and his life.

The door closes behind him, and a sob claws its way out of Eddie’s chest.

* * *

Eddie slams the door to his locker shut with more force than necessary, not missing the way that Hen and Chim exchange a long glance that definitely classifies more as a wordless conversation. He doesn’t care, he really doesn’t fucking care. It’s been the longest week of his life.

Thankfully, the shift is over, and he shoves the last of his things into his bag before flinging it over his shoulder and walking out to the parking lot, not even bothering to glance at a single person on his way out. He sees a figure leaning against his truck, and his heart stutters for a second. Eddie struggles to slow his mind down as he steps closer. There hasn’t been a night yet that he hasn’t cried thinking about how empty his bed and his life feel now.

As he walks closer to the truck he realizes that the figure is not tall or built enough to be Buck. He tries to ignore the immediate disappointment he feels. Eddie’s not allowed to feel disappointed when he’s the one that shoved Buck out of his life.

“Cap,” Eddie says slowly. “Everything alright?”

“That’s what I was going to ask you,” Bobby tells him, arms crossed across his chest as he studies Eddie. He feels himself wilting under Bobby’s gaze, all of the anger that’s been rolling off him finally breaking through and reminding him what it _really_ is— sadness and heartbreak.

“Everything’s fine.” It’s a lie. Eddie knows it’s a lie. Bobby knows him well enough to know it’s a lie, too. It’s just a matter or whether he’s going to call Eddie out on it. For the sake of how he’s feeling, he hopes that Bobby won’t. He wants to go home and hop into the hot spray of the shower and let the tears and heartache out in the only place that he can.

“Is it, Eddie?” Bobby says, his gaze unwavering. “Because you don’t _seem_ fine. Hen and Chim have been avoiding you on shift all week because your fuse is so short. And you’re focused on the job, so I wouldn’t say that it’s impacting your ability to work yet, but—”

“Sorry, Cap. I’ll rein it in,” Eddie apologizes, eyeing the door to his truck where Bobby has obviously positioned himself strategically so Eddie can’t get by.

“Is that what you think you need? To push what you’re feeling down? Because, no offense, it hasn’t been working. Anyone with eyes can see that something happened and that you’re upset.”

“Bobby.” Eddie manages to keep his voice even, despite the overwhelming feeling of everything. The exhaustion makes him weary down to his bones, trying to keep it all together and pretend like nothing has changed when his entire world has shifted on his axis.

“ _Christopher_ has eyes.” Eddie sighs then, his shoulders sagging at Bobby’s words. He’s right, he knows Bobby’s right, and that Christopher knows something has changed. That he’s missing Buck’s usual presence. A small part of him hates that Bobby knew just what to say to call his bluff. “Why don’t we go for a drive?”

Eddie hesitates, the excuse that he has to get home to relieve Carla and be there for his son on the tip of his tongue. “I have to see if Carla can stay a little longer,” he says finally, pulling out his phone and texting her.

_I’ve gotta take care of something_

_Can you stay a little longer?_

**8:05**

_Of course_

_Everything okay?_

**Carla 8:06**

_Yeah. You’re a lifesaver_

**8:06**

“Alright, let’s go,” Eddie says after a minute, reaching for his driver’s door.

Bobby shakes his head and leads Eddie over to his truck. “I’m driving. Hop in, kid.”

Eddie tosses his bag into the back of his truck and locks it before piling into Bobby’s truck. He buckles his seatbelt and stares straight ahead.

“You don’t have to take on the world by yourself,” Bobby reminds him as he starts the truck and pulls out of the parking lot at the station. “It’s okay to _feel_ whatever it is that’s been eating at you. So you can move past it.”

Eddie fidgets with his hands and stares down at them before he looks through the windshield again. He’s quiet as Bobby drives, and the blur of the dark L.A. streets that they’re driving through barely register. “I broke up with Buck,” he admits finally.

To Bobby’s credit, his head doesn’t snap over to look at Eddie like he’s expecting. There’s no request for answers or an explanation, just an offer of a safe place to talk when Eddie’s ready to open up the wound. Bobby pulls into a drive through and orders them fries and milkshakes. He drives a short distance before pulling into a parking lot. It’s only once he’s parked the truck that Eddie notices they’re at the beach. Bobby parks his truck so they’re overlooking the water.

“All he’s ever done is lie to me.” And, fuck, he sounds so _fragile_. Like one small push and he’ll shatter into pieces, too brittle to ever put back together.

“Can I ask what he lied about?” Bobby asks gently, reaching for a fry.

“Who he is.” Eddie sees Bobby’s mouth open and close a few times beside him. “I just— thought he was one person, turns out he’s someone else completely. I was so honest with him, Cap, I told him about _everything_.”

“It’s not easy being vulnerable,” Bobby says, and Eddie shifts his milkshake in his hands, though he doesn’t take a sip. He needs something to take the edge off, he needs to break down alone so nobody can see how ruined he truly is. But since he’s in the truck with Bobby he seeks out any distraction instead. His thumb brushes the lid of the cup a few times, the plastic cover cracking under the stress.

“I thought he was this normal guy, with this _normal_ life. He couldn’t even be honest with me about who he is. If he can’t even be honest about that, how could he ever be honest about anything else?”

Bobby’s brow furrows in confusion. “You’re gonna have to fill in the blanks for me a little bit, because I’m not sure what we’re talking about here.”

“He-he told me—I thought he was just… an office worker. I thought he was just a normal guy. Turns out he runs the company.”

“He told you that he was just an office employee?”

“Not in so many words.”

“Eddie, not that long ago we talked about all that he has on his plate. I was talking about his company and the fact that he’s running it while taking on all of these other things. What were _you_ talking about?”

“Wait a second. You knew all of this time?” Eddie sets down his shake in the cupholder and drags his hands over his face. “I had no idea, Cap.”

“To be fair, I didn’t realize it was a secret. But yeah, I knew. I always research places before I agree to do a Fire Safety event there. I heard so many great things about the center, _and_ about Buck.”

“I can’t believe this,” Eddie mutters.

“What is upsetting you so much about this? It’s just his job, Eddie. Buck’s still the same person that he was before you found out that he runs the company.”

“And who is that, Bobby? Because just that this is even happening, the fact that I have to question what’s been the truth and what’s been a lie—I can’t believe a single thing that I thought I knew about him. Those were all probably lies, too.”

“Is that really what you believe?” Bobby asks, leveling him with a serious look. “Do you think that everything he told you was a lie?”

“I-I don’t know, but I can’t be with someone that I can’t trust to have my back. I’d rather be alone.”

That’s what he says out loud, anyways, the truth of his loneliness lurking beneath the surface.

* * *

Eddie closes the door quietly behind himself, the house dark except for the lamp in the living room. He makes his way to where Carla is curled up into the corner of it, a book in her hands.

“Hey,” Eddie says softly so as not to startle her. She smiles warmly as she folds over the corner of the page before setting the book down. “You should use a bookmark.”

Carla tilts her head slightly as she looks at Eddie. “ _That_ is the first thing that you’re gonna say to me?”

“No, well, yes—”

“Stop while you’re ahead.” Carla grins at Eddie, but the corners of her mouth turn down when she focuses on him, the concern in her eyes obvious. “Everything okay at the station?”

Eddie swallows slowly, forcing his gaze to remain steady on hers as he answers. “Yeah, Bobby just needed to talk to me about something, but everything’s fine.” Eddie busies himself with folding the throw blanket that’s bunched up at the end of the couch. Despite the fact that it’s a _throw blanket_ that rests on the back on the couch, he’s folded it up into a tight square. “How was Christopher?”

“Oh, an angel as usual,” Carla reports. She’s quiet for a long time, causing Eddie to look up from where he’s tidying up an already exceptionally neat area, needing _something_ to do with his hands. When Eddie looks at her, Carla cocks her head to the side as she gives him a knowing look. “Things sure have been quiet around here without Buck.”

“Carla—”

“Don’t you ‘Carla’ me like I don’t have eyes. You haven’t so much as said a word about him, but you’ve been moping around here for a week now.”

“I have not.”

“Mhm,” Carla hums in disbelief. “I’m not blind, and neither is Christopher. He misses Buck.”

For the second time tonight Eddie sighs with resignation. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He wants to pretend nothing happened, but the hollow ache in his chest is a constant reminder that something did happen. “I know,” he answers finally as he sits down, dropping his head into his hands.

“You wanna talk about it, sugar?”

Eddie shakes his head when Carla sits down beside him, her hand resting softly against his arm. “No, no, I’m fine. You should get home to Howard, it’s late.”

“Eddie.” Carla says his name again, and it sounds almost like a warning, so he turns his head to look at her. “I don’t know what happened, and I’m not expecting for you to open up about the nitty gritty details of whatever it is, but you can’t keep Christopher in the dark. He’s a smart kid, and he sees that you’re hurting. You don’t have to explain the details, but he deserves to know what’s going on.”

“I know,” Eddie relents as he stares at a gray sweatshirt resting on the back of the chair. Buck’s favorite hoodie, just another example that there are reminders of Buck everywhere. How is it possible that in less than six months he claimed residence in Eddie’s home and heart?

“I’ll talk to him in the morning.” But really, Eddie has no idea what he’s going to say.


End file.
